Start all over again.

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It has been a long time since I last posted, over a year has gone by since I last opened a new document with the intent of writing for this space that I once considered to be “a place where I can be me!”

I don’t know why so much time went by without me blogging. I thought that I might have just lost interest in expressing myself. But if I’m totally honest that’s not possible. I believe I allowed fear to creep in and there were also times I just didn’t want to share anymore. I didn’t want to find the time to do something I once loved because I felt afraid to even try. But in saying that… my blog has been in my thoughts and on my heart each and every day but the confidence to write and truly be me again had dwindled. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about writing, but then I let it slip away. I didn’t push through, I found excuses and I found other things to do instead. Days rolled into weeks, months, a year it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from blogging, and the whole blogging scene, that I didn’t know where to start.

I still don’t actually know where to start but I know that when I write – I feel connected and grounded, and when I feel this I am able to release, and through releasing I don’t feel alone in my journey and I don’t have a head full of looping thoughts. Writing helps me to be accountable for my plans and dreams, to make happen the creativity I hold inside.

So I’m starting again. I don’t know where Alienhippy is heading, I don’t know what direction to write in anymore. But that’s kind of exciting. One thing I do know is I’m going to just stick to what I know best…and what I know best is how to just keep being me.

So let’s go back to how I started this blog and why I started this blog.

Alienhippy’s Blog, “a place where I can be me!”

If you would like to catch up on our last 12 months of home education, family fun, our day trips and a whole heap of creativity you are welcome to come follow me on instagram.

Today in our home education journey we sat on a hillside and *CAL sketched the landscape while I crocheted and attempted to write a poem. My poetry will come back, I have faith in that.
Love and hugs. Lisa. x

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My inspiration this week is to be still and let God dig out my weeds of insecurity, doubt and distraction. Knowing He will plant and nurture gifts of insight, inspiration and discernment.

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Trying to write again

1012232_4448425467485_238298099_nTrying to write again

by Alienhippy

From the depth of my emotion and the mess within my mind

I know that words will come as I write my way to find

A comfort deep inside me and a voice which often calls

Ignoring it is pointless, how I’m made cries out for rules

~

Trigger words and images that cause my mind to bend

Trying to filter through the crap and not hide from my friends

I want to be the way I was and share my poetry

But times have changed, I’m feeling lost, I’m struggling to see

~

Where I fit and if I’m needed, so I grasp this safety rope

Begging God to help me find a way to not lose hope

To accept the place I’m given and the distance that we share

And pray to love with deeper love because in love I bear

~

This pain of never feeling in the same room, time or space

Wanting, waiting, praying for acceptance, face to face

Hoping that one day being me, I will embrace

But for now I ponder on, knowing God will show me grace

~

I’m not like many others I care deeper than most do

I cannot switch off thought nor heart I have to pray them through

I have to take myself, my pain, my love, sin, fear and loss

Being still and listening and learning from The Cross

Giving you the heads up

Unfinished (acrylic on canvas)

I have given my blog a make-over. New background and new headers. The headers show at random and change each time you click (it’s fun)

I have used all kinds of images. Some are of my art and fractals. Others are walks I have been on. There are a few cropped photos of my favourite places. Places where I sit with a coffee, write, reflect and be still. Also there are a few of my favourite things and special interests. Some memory photos that help me feel connected to the special people in my life. Of course there are also fun photos with my kids, pets and my collections too.

Alienhippy’s Blog…REALLY is a place where I can be me!

YAY!!!!   (insert happy-dancing here)   🙂 )))

I was going to write a post explaining why I have done this and YES it does involve a meltdown and a shutdown. Also a panic attack that was so out of proportion but lasted in total around 3 hours. Yes I was looping over stuff BIG time.

Today I am peaceful in my mind and heart

I feel still in my being and confident in who I am. So I  have no urgency to pour out poetry, prose or my emotional guts. I don’t need to analyse myself, I am just acceptant that these things happen and I will keep learning as I go. Also my mind is a little airy-fairy and not in it’s clever place today, even with numerous coffees, it’s wanting to be calm. So I really can’t be bothered to write about it all just yet, I’m going to enjoy not thinking for a change. I’ll maybe do it tomorrow if I remember. giggle. Or if my brain is that way inclined, we’ll have to wait and see, I never know from one day to the next, unless I just stay in my bubble then I know I’ll be ok. 😉 😉

Today is about my visuals not my Wonderfully Wired weirdness.

(Just so you know I am fine with my weirdness it’s not one of my triggers)

But the important thing is that through all my loops and misunderstanding God helped me to see. Do you know what I see? I love blogging, I NEED to write. I love my visual mind and all my many, many, many loops. Writing helps me to process all that goes on inside of me, not just my brain but my body too. Writing and sharing helps me to filter out the negativity and stop it from controlling my moods and behaviour. Seeing me in print and hearing from others that I am not the only one is such a blessing. I am 43 years old and only now seeing that I am not alone.

I will write……..

I will write when and how I choose to write. I will write WHAT I need to write in a way that helps me. I love that I can share who I am now, I love that so many of you communicate with me via comments, Facebook, Twitter, email and Skype. It’s so good to have friends.

My blog is my blog, “A place where I can be me!”

With all my new headers it even seems to reflect a little of how quickly my visual brain will change. Click something new, click another idea, click oh that’s so pretty, click I’ll go for a walk now, click where is my cat, click where are my other cats, click I need to clean, click I need to paint, click I need some music, click I need to be still.

I feel it REALLY does reflect a little bit more of who I am.

I like me, I love how God created me to be.

I love my new blog look too!

Love and hugs all beautiful friends out there in bloggyland.

Hey…see my stone collection? Isn’t it cool and aren’t they just so shiny!

Here is an image to click on if you only have a small screen.

It’s my NEW background photo. 🙂Thank you for coming along on this adventure with me and being the nice, kind, loving souls you are. I’m sorry I can’t always answer your comments but I do read every single one of them. They mean the world to me and they help me so very much.

Smiling at you. Lisa. xx 🙂

Here are my headers, cropped and collected for now. I will be adding more as time goes by. I am learning and growing all the time. My blog will be a reflection of this.

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This song has no relevance to this post what so ever. I’m putting it here because my *CAL has this on repeat quite loudly EVERYTIME we go for a drive.

I really enjoy trying to sing and rock out to this with my precious daughter. Eventhough we have no clue what the song is actually about.

Enjoy or don’t, we like it anyway. After all we are all unique in who we are.

Oldies are the besties

I have been having difficulty writing posts after reading some not very nice comments about bloggers and their writing styles. At the time I thought I was ok, but it has been looping in my head for nearly two weeks now and I can’t seem to be able to shift it. Some people can be so hurtful with their opinions. Writing is something I used to find release in, a way of me processing and feeling I would connect with those like me, those with similar struggles. Over the last few days I have found myself struggling to even share on my facebook.

I helped myself today by re-reading a few oldies

I need to go back to “Just Being Me!”

My blog is, “A place where I can be me!”

Trying to remember…

I am Aspie-happy.

I’m a multi coloured rainbow.

I turn negativity upside-down.

It’s not just about

“Me and my loops”

Or my supermarket Shutdowns/Meltdowns

It’s about Coping…finding new ways forward

Discovering those Lightening jumps and connections

Having those moments of recognition and true friendship

Yes, I’m the queen of the loops, but I “Listen through the Loops”

There maybe a LOT of “Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego”

Change is good when God prompts it

So, Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

Yes, this post is full of links and each one of them is a post about me struggling, persevering and overcoming. It’s about how I live and find ways to not be affected by a world that pushes for conformity. Where society makes me feel so different. My acceptance of being different but not less, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet but making it work for me the best I can. Learning to rise above the storm and say, “Bog off frantic thought loop!”

The following post is an oldie that made me giggle today,

It’s one I had totally forgotten about but it helped me to find me again. I tend not to take myself too seriously, and I like to see people smile. So here have a giggle on me. I’m processing as I write and I think I’m on my way back.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Just a babble and a giggle! (Embarrassing moments)

image found on Google

~

Hello friends out in bloggyland,

~

I just got back from dropping my *AJ off at his girlfriends.

I do love our little chats in the car we have such a giggle.

~

*AJ talked about a misplaced face.

The Aspies in my family do this all the time, we know faces from places.

Put them in a different place and we haven’t got a clue who they are.

Quite a few years back

Before I’d ever heard the word Aspergers, I bumped into a neighbour in a petrol station and she chatted with me for quite some time before she asked me if I was ok. I was completely confused to who she was and how she knew me. I was in my early 20’s and wasn’t as good at smiling and nodding as I am now.

It’s funny because I saw this neighbour at a social gathering I was dreading going to and she remembered this incident and I was able to explain to her. Only 20 years later…hehehe

Well me and *AJ then went onto EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

So as I LOVE to babble and I don’t really worry too much what I babble about, I thought I’d share probably the worst and MOST embarrassing moment of my adult years…In other words the most recent one.

If you follow my blog

You will remember a post I wrote about collecting and the emotions of parting with things of sentimental value.

You will remember the hurt I went through when the extension was built on my home and I had to part with the unopened boxes.

Those boxes full of memories.

As an Aspie I connect strongly to my emotions, thoughts and feelings when I touch things.

It triggers off the replays in my head and I can almost feel back in the time I would like to be in.

I LOVE being a Mom, it’s something I dreamed of

So parting with certain baby items was extremely hard for me, well the building work meant I had to clear out the loft space.

So here we go, my most recent embarrassing moment.

I never learn where speaking is concerned, I constantly get things wrong.

On my less confident days I don’t speak a word, but I think LOADS and LOADS.

On my confident days…..well, I tend to say what I think, I get myself into terrible pickles with this.

On this particular day I had revved myself up to doing something I REALLY didn’t want to do.

I was taking *CAL’s travel cot to the charity shop.

I had loads of bags and boxes of things that I was fine about taking.

The travel cot however, was NOT one of them.

I stood it up the side of the car while I put everything else in, and then when I looked up a young couple was walking towards me holding hands.

I thought perfect I can help them out, this travel cot has hardly been used.

I got so excited, I so love helping people,

I thought to myself…God has REALLY helped me here.

“Excuse me love, say no if you don’t want it…but it’s hardly been used,

would you like this travel cot?”

She said…“WHAT?!” and screwed her face up at me.

So me being the plonker I am… repeated myself,

“It’s hardly been used, would you like it…I’m just about to take it to the charity shop?”

Then she says…“Why would you think I want a travel cot?”

Yes I actually DID say this…

“Well, because you’re having a baby aren’t you? You look about 6 months pregnant!”

I’m laughing my head off now writing this, but at the time I thought she was going to kill me.

So there you have it, my most recent embarrassing moment.

Also I learnt a very valuable lesson.

…….Assumption is the mother of all cock ups Lisa!

Sitting under my tree (Silent Sunday)

Sitting under my tree

AMAZING PEACE

AMAZING PEACE

Looking up, my favourite branch

Looking up, my favourite branch

WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND…………

WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND…………

I DON’T like the word “Obsessive”

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Look at the word Obsession

(World English Dictionary)

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

1. psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness

2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS WORD!

It’s probably just me and my past, but it just seems that sometimes when it is said to me it makes me feel all icky inside, icky and wrong.

I read a quote this morning on a fb pages

I can’t remember which one now but the words stuck in my head. I also read one of the responses to the quote and it made me think how important it is to see who we are in Christ. To try hard to see who God sees in us. Not how we view ourselves, or how those in our lives make us feel about ourselves. This is a very hard balance to find. I believe it can only really be obtained through relationship with God, over time, with maturity. It’s the mark we will always keep missing. God’s love is unconditional we can rest in the blessed assurance of our precious Saviour.

This is what I wrote down, it is what I pondered on and later what I prayed about.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

Not knowing why I’m different has caused scars

“We see it as we are…” If you grow up never feeling you belong the world can feel pretty hostile. I learned to see beauty in nature, animals, children, interests, songs and objects. I have always shied away from people and close friendships. I only put myself with groups of people when I knew I could cope. I have learned now to pick these groups very carefully after many bad experiences.

Being an Aspie is a blessing

I don’t always see this so I am writing it down today. I need to be able to remind myself the next time I have been totally overloaded and had to shutdown completely. I see things differently because my brain is wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

People say that Auties/Aspies are obsessive

It may seem this way if that’s what you see, but I want to change that word to passionate.

Obsessive is a negative word in my head it makes me feel that I am wrong, strange, weird, freaky.

I can be very focused, I see things in great detail. If I am interested and care about something or someone I am very loyal, dedicated to that. I very often will miss other things going on that are not interesting to me. In my life I have been made to feel bad for being me, I have been made to feel stupid because I have missed things. To feel I’m a nuisance because I need to communicate in my way.

for instance…

I loved my fish tank as a child, I would sit, focus and learn everything I could about my fishes and my aquarium. Fishes have always been positive in my life and helped me feel happy. While all the girls my age, were watching the Live Aid concert. I was cleaning out my aquarium and listening to it, I had new plants and I created a new environment for my fish. I was totally happy doing this and remember it so very well. When meeting up with these “friends” I didn’t know much about what had happened in Live Aid, I only heard the music. I listened to them all talking and was afraid to say I didn’t watch it, I only listened. I knew how they would all react. I would have been 16 years old and I knew my ways seemed odd to most people.

Now look at the word passion

Passion (from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω (paskho) meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.

The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject, idea, person, or object. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.

Those who know and love Aspies/Auties

I believe you too will see this, we can’t control our happy-dance, our smiles, our clapping, our over excitement. I believe those who love and accept see how we focus and watch how we learn. I believe you can also see how we shutdown out of hurt, fear, rejection and an intense feeling of overwhelming wrongness that we can’t process.

So you too see through Aspie eyes!

Passion is what I feel towards what I am interested in

I am passionate about my family and as a Mom to understand my kids and be the best I can be for them. I am passionate about my relationship with God and finding His calling in my life. I love my blogs and I get a lot of positive experience from writing.

“Obsessive” seems….I don’t know.

I just know that to me it makes me feel like I’m bad in some way.

I used an apple to describe my brain today

That’s right I had to explain how I think to someone today.

Any other adult Aspie who can relate to this??? 🙂

I couldn’t use words and I needed something to hold and look at to explain myself. I got two apples out of the fruit bowl and explained what I understand in my way because I hate it when people tell me I am obsessive and they say it in a way that sounds so negative.

Two Apples, this one is Autistic and this one NT…..LOL

Passionate sounds so much better! (Don’t you think?)

What I am passionate about is always at the forefront of my mind, I can’t change that, my brain has ALWAYS been like that. It’s what I call my lovely loop, it’s a very positive loop for me that gives me joy and happiness. It helps me to feel I belong and gives me energy, motivation and confidence. My special interests are part of this loop. When I can feel good about this loop I can feel good about me and then functioning in a normal day and being around people is NOT at all hard.

When I’m made to feel negative about this loop THEN it becomes obsessive because I am trying so desperately not to feel rejected/isolated/defective. I can’t switch off what I love to do, what I like to think about. I can’t switch off thinking about those I love and ways I can help them. My brain is always puzzling these things out, always communicating with itself and because I have a faith my brain automatically will pray too. I can’t stop how my brain works, I can however let it loop, allow it to feed me positive energy and use that energy to help me in daily life. I can enjoy the visual overlays that inspire me in my days, the reruns and the imaginary conversations. As a child I couldn’t control this and I couldn’t understand why the things I loved to do where taken from me. Why I felt so alone or why I felt so stupid when given something to do that had NO interest to me what.so.ever. My interests are what taught me to eventually learn to read, no one had given me a book I was interested in, so why would I want to read. My passion for learning the truth about Jesus taught me to read.

Having kids, responsibilities and routines helps

I am able to plan and put slots in my day. One thing I enjoy is finding quotes in my coffee quote time. I love to write and paint, sing and play my guitar. I love spending time with my kids and my dogs. I also love spending time with those who love and accept me. I am finding me again. The person God created me to be in all my Aspieness and also in His image.

So after pointing at the front of an apple

Explaining, the best way I could, what my brain works like and how I have had to fake who I am most of my life to avoid ridicule and social rejection. I then spoke on how I have embraced my Aspieness after hiding who I am for nearly 40 years. I am not the person that bends over backwards trying to please everyone just to keep friends anymore. Today when someone I love said to me, “Lisa, hand on heart, you have to admit you are not the easiest person to have to cope with!”

I know this person meant well, I know this person totally loves me. My real self has come as a shock to this person who has only known me imitating my Mom. Not the me who had no close friends and no one who could relate to me. This person only saw what I allowed to be seen.

I thought about the words I wrote down this morning.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

I know God created me to be me. So I will listen to Him.

I’m not obsessive, I’m passionate about who God created me to be.

1 Corinthians 13:12

The Message (MSG)

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

I LOVE writing, it helps me so much

fight-or-flight-response

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I LOVE writing, it helps me so much. I have kept journals for quite some time and they have really helped me to slow down ALL my many thoughts and extract the thoughts that ARE actually mine.

I still keep a journal, but a lot of what I write now comes here or I share with close friends. Those who I know will not judge me, they accept and love me for who I am. I thank God for these people every day.

I know I make many mistakes

Friendship has been one of the hardest things for me to understand in my life. As a child I hurt so deeply that every time I thought I had a friend, they would be using me for my toys. Or they would go off me and reject my friendship. I can understand why this happened, I can still struggle with the same insecurities, with those I don’t know too well. So having just a few close friends is a miracle for me. I can share JUST who I am and know they love me anyway, warts and all. It’s something I thought I would never have.

I was thinking about the…fight or flight response .

Now I’m just pondering on this from my own experiences. I know that when I’m totally comfortable and secure about a situation or relationship…I’m a fighter. If I know that I will not get rejected I will be COMPLETELY myself and say whatever I feel I need to say.

Unfortunately as someone on the spectrum, I know that I can absorb from my environment and those I spend time with. I then can’t filter or process what I have absorbed. I also can imitate and I don’t know I’m doing it. I can end up actually saying stuff or acting in a way that is not at all how I’m really thinking or feeling.

This may sound like an excuse to some people, I NEVER run away from my mistakes. I hurt deeply when I feel I am in the wrong. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I apologise to those I hurt. I never mean to hurt anyone.

I am SO very careful what information I feed my brain.

I limit what I watch on TV. I never read anything negative that will cause me to loop and I pack as much positive, open, honesty into my life as I possibly can. But when I put myself into a situation/environment that I’m NOT 100% confident in, I become a fright/flight type of girl.

I will either make excuses and leave or hide in my Blackberry which helps me SO MUCH. I LOVE my Blackberry, I have stored visuals on my Blackberry for these times and quotes that help me. I can also write myself an email when I’m stressed and then read it later so I can see that I have managed to do something new.

If I can’t hide or run, I then start to imitate.

This I can do very well, but it is extremely draining and eventually I can’t keep it up. After a three year period of imitating a particular role, I then went into hiding for 12 months. I completely isolated myself from doing anything that involved people. I couldn’t even be my best friends maid of honour, this still hurt me to this day.

My Counsellor was GREAT today

Now she knows I have Autistic traits she is coming up with some brilliant ideas. I was quite anxious about going to see her this week because I have been so emotional. I got some time in a little cafe and prepared my reflective journal, so I wouldn’t rant about things that aren’t mine. That 50 minute hour is… oh so precious!

I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it

Anything or anyone who causes me to doubt myself, or the choices I make with my life, I need to keep on limited time. I NEED to do this, it is very important for me. BUT… I also realised that it’s not just for me I’m doing this. Both my kids learn through imitation. I need to do it for them too, as I see them imitating me just as I imitated my Mom. They are my life and I will not let them down because of my own stupid insecurity.

My Bible study this morning really spoke to my heart.

John 9:1-12 (NIV-UK)

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.His disciples asked him, Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.    As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no-one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world. Having said this, he spat on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. Go, he told him, wash in the Pool of Siloam (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. His neighbours and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg? Some claimed that he was. Others said, No, he only looks like him. But he himself insisted, I am the man. How then were your eyes opened? they demanded. He replied, The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see. Where is this man? they asked him. I don’t know, he said.

I thought about blindness but also about not understanding.

Being blind from birth to my own Autistic traits, thinking everyone thought like me. Never being able to be close enough to anyone to actually ask, how do you think? Does your brain do this?

I am learning by what I experience and from a very few people, those I feel close enough to that I can be completely open. I can ask them some of the most ridiculous things sometimes. Only through feeling loved and accepted can I learn.

I am SO limited with what I can read, my dyslexia is quite bad when it comes to reading anything that is documented or negative at all. So I have a few blogs I visit, a few friends who help me and YouTube.

But I also have my faith and one big God, who I believe brings me EXACTLY what I need, and JUST at the time I need it.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂