Start all over again.

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It has been a long time since I last posted, over a year has gone by since I last opened a new document with the intent of writing for this space that I once considered to be “a place where I can be me!”

I don’t know why so much time went by without me blogging. I thought that I might have just lost interest in expressing myself. But if I’m totally honest that’s not possible. I believe I allowed fear to creep in and there were also times I just didn’t want to share anymore. I didn’t want to find the time to do something I once loved because I felt afraid to even try. But in saying that… my blog has been in my thoughts and on my heart each and every day but the confidence to write and truly be me again had dwindled. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about writing, but then I let it slip away. I didn’t push through, I found excuses and I found other things to do instead. Days rolled into weeks, months, a year it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from blogging, and the whole blogging scene, that I didn’t know where to start.

I still don’t actually know where to start but I know that when I write – I feel connected and grounded, and when I feel this I am able to release, and through releasing I don’t feel alone in my journey and I don’t have a head full of looping thoughts. Writing helps me to be accountable for my plans and dreams, to make happen the creativity I hold inside.

So I’m starting again. I don’t know where Alienhippy is heading, I don’t know what direction to write in anymore. But that’s kind of exciting. One thing I do know is I’m going to just stick to what I know best…and what I know best is how to just keep being me.

So let’s go back to how I started this blog and why I started this blog.

Alienhippy’s Blog, “a place where I can be me!”

If you would like to catch up on our last 12 months of home education, family fun, our day trips and a whole heap of creativity you are welcome to come follow me on instagram.

Today in our home education journey we sat on a hillside and *CAL sketched the landscape while I crocheted and attempted to write a poem. My poetry will come back, I have faith in that.
Love and hugs. Lisa. x

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My inspiration this week is to be still and let God dig out my weeds of insecurity, doubt and distraction. Knowing He will plant and nurture gifts of insight, inspiration and discernment.

Accepted, Loved Unconditionally

Inspired by Psalm 40

Patiently I wait on words spoken to my heart

I listen through my noise and hear the still small voice

My heart yearns but my spirit calls peacefully

I feel raised from the unknown and set on solid truth

That truth is I am loved unconditionally

An inner peace fills me and my heart sings

My lips have a new song of praise

Fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the one I trust

I look to the heart of the one who gave His life

I know that He is the one to fix my gaze upon

Blessings are at my step as I follow His lead

When I fall I know he will always catch me

When I fail to trust and when I lose hope He remains

His gentle voice spurring me on

Holding me in His love, His light everlasting

Whispering soft reminders of His hopeful, caring promises

He has no desire for sacrifice, but a willing heart

He just calls my name and wants my love

He has me in His heart and He is living in mine

So many do not see or feel this love

They feel that it is not real but I stand in His love

I received His gift and will call out Jesus is Lord

When troubles rise and the waters are deep

His hand is upon me guiding and teaching

So patiently He is always loving

Helping me grow in all I do for Him

His plan for me is always better than my own

Bringing me ever nearer to the image He sees in me

Refining me from the inside starting in the heart

Always providing just what I need, I rest under His wing

Exposed and humbled I stand in His presence

Quickly I am covered by His grace and mercy

New every morning I am washed clean in His love

Accepted and loved, created in unique design

Crafted by the master’s hand

I am enough because He loves me

I can be loved because He loved first

I can love because He shows me the way

He will never leave me, He will never forsake me

I just need to call

Then…Be Still And Know

~

Listen to my cry for help, O God. Pay attention to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you when I begin to lose heart. Lead me to the rock that is high above me. You have been my refuge, a tower of strength against the enemy. I would like to be a guest in your tent forever and to take refuge under the protection of your wings. Selah ~Psalm 61:1-4 (by David)

Listen to the Raven

Sharp_Raven_wallpaper_by_LadyLuminalToday we saw a raven and I thought of Elijah. Then in conversation with a friend I mentioned ravens and God using them to feed His friend. I decided to read a post I wrote some time ago and it helped me today.

In 1 Kings 19. I believe there is some wonderful advice that I have in the past put into practice. It works for me. I need to start finding that special time for me again, to keep doing that which works well with my soul.

I have had many thoughts about Elijah and I have read this chapter quite a few times. This post is one I keep returning to because I keep forgetting to let God look after me.

I have an online Bible devotional come through that is a excellent place to start. There is reference to this as I share my thoughts on Elijah. However the devotional started with Mark 1:35

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

There are two guys I know

Both of them want to please God and both of them are emotional beings. They were created this way and God understands them. They have all the same feelings and hurts as us. They also have the same fears and anxieties too. The one guy I have written a poem about in the past I also painted a picture for him. He is always there when I hit the pit. He is so real to me, so open honest and transparent. His name is Jonah.

The other friend of mine, his named is Elijah

Elijah helps me to get through my worst meltdowns. God has been allowing past hurts to surface lately and things I never believed I would have to face are being healed. In prayer and through tears I feel me growing. God is so good!

Reading 1 kings 19 is a Godsend for me.

When I first got the email I felt totally drained. I really couldn’t be bothered to read it. But that Still Small Voice inside spoke and said, “Read it Lisa!” I said, “No, reading is too hard and I feel like crap!” Again the voice inside said, “Read it!” I struggled with this for a bit, but I know when God directs it is always for our good. His plans are to prosper not harm.

This is part of what I received and decided to follow.

In the Bible we see many who experienced times of burnout. After Jonah’s miraculous delivery from the big fish and prophetic announcement to the people on Nineveh, he sank into a depression and wanted to die (Jonah 4:3). After Elijah called down fire from heaven that miraculously burned up the sacrifices of Baal, the fire in his own life went dim (1 Kings 18-19). Elijah prayed, “I have had enough, LORD. Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4). Both of these men wanted to quit.

How do we avoid those same feelings of burnout? The first step is to realize that it can happen and does happen to the best of us.

What was God’s response to Elijah?

Let’s take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 19.

  • He allowed Elijah to sleep. (19:5) – rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat. (19:5) –  refreshment
  • He allowed Elijah to sleep again. (19:6) – more rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat again. (19:7) – more refreshment
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing. “What are you doing here?” (19:9) – reflection
  • He spoke to Elijah personally. (19:11) – response
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing, again. “What are you doing here?” (19:13) – reflection
  • He told Elijah what to do next. (19:15) – redirection
  • He showed Elijah who He had appointed to help him. (19:16) – reinforcement

Rest

Refreshment

Rest

Refreshment

Reflection

Response

Reflection

Redirection

Reinforcement

Burnout happens when I focus on people and fitting in.

That includes me thinking too much about myself too.

“You can’t see yourself “in yourself,”

you have to learn to see yourself in Christ.”

~A Joyce Meyer’s fb status.

There was a reason why Jesus went off to solitary places to pray.

If Jesus had to do it maybe I should be more willing to do it too. My shutdowns are not such a bad thing if I give them to God at the foot of the cross. But I do believe that if I was more ready to listen, I wouldn’t overload myself in the first place.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

ASD in the paint of randomness

IMG03991-20121207-1703I love to paint

I haven’t studied how to paint. I just love playing with paint. Playing with paint is like therapy for me.

I went to college to study art when I was in my twenties but the environment didn’t suit me. At that time I didn’t understand why. Being undiagnosed with Dyslexia and Aspergers probably had something to do with it. 😉

My creativity is very personal

I like to experiment, mix things up, break a few rules and put a lot of myself into what I create. Just as I write it out, I also paint it out. I paint out my moods, meltdowns, shutdowns, misunderstandings. My highs, my lows, my searching and pondering. But also, I just love playing.

I paint abstract because I am too much of a perfectionist to paint any other way. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t reproduce exactly how I experience an image in my mind. So I find it best to distort that image and let it grow in the paint. I let it grow and develop its own character and in its own way. I let the paint show me how it wants to be.

The secret for me is to not try to make it perfect, just play and let it grow as it flows. It’s something just for me, a time where I can switch off my loops. For me painting is not about making pretty pictures, that’s what my photography is for, it’s about enjoying the paint. Letting the colours be an extension of what is in me, but not caging them in a fixed visual or idea. Not making the paint conform or restricting it but letting it dance and sing.

College for me seemed like I was being told to lose me and to be like everyone else. In my twenties my art was all I seemed to have left of me after having to conform in every other way. Having to imitate the styles of those who were successful, famous, idolised meant nothing to me. I got no release from trying to be like someone else. It just frustrated my brain even more. For me painting is therapy and it helps me to switch off the loops of being overwhelmed, over stimulated or from having to over analyse myself and every situation.

Today I was happy, so I played

I just purely wanted to play with my paints, like the big kid I am. An old canvas picked up from a charity shop, painted over which I scribbled some lines and patterns on. Nothing special, I just doodled.

Mr Locoman is not really interested in art

Especially art of the abstract variety…..hehehe

I have created MANY, MANY, MANY paintings. All have had so much emotion expressed in the paint. He has never understood any of what I explained to him, he says my depth of thought mostly just confuses him. That’s fine, just so you all know….anyone who knows me personally knows I talk and talk and talk. When I am processing I not only taIk and talk and talk, I also babble quite a lot in tangents and jump from arse-hole to breakfast time. In fact I KNOW that I verbally process myself round in such circles I forget what I was even talking about.

Anyway…..

My lovely hubby comes home from work and notices my play time on the kitchen table. I’m on the PC writing and researching when he walks up to me and says…

Mr Locoman…”That’s very bright, is it one of yours? What is it?”

Me (Oblivious, because I am researching gorillas)…”What’s what?”

Mr Locoman… “The painting, what is it?”

Me (Puzzled he is asking, screws up my face) … “Uh, what? It’s nothing.”

Mr Locoman… “I mean what is it about?”

Me… *rolls eyes* “Errrrrrrrr, it’s just paints and colours and shapes.”

Mr Locoman… “No, what is the meaning expressed in it?”

Me…(Giggle) …”Nothing at all, I was just playing with my paints.”

****************************************

Now, this might not seem funny to anyone else but I don’t care because it’s my blog and I’m giggling. I find it hilarious that my hubby expects me to talk non-stop because there is a painting on the kitchen table instead of his tea. He has got to know me so well that he thought I had had some kind of mental processing to do because I painted a picture.

Am I really that predictable?

Am I?

REALLY?

My play time isn’t finished yet

I’m going to add some of my squirty bottle swirls with brighter colours. I also like the idea of painting in some glitters, or metallic paints….FUN!!!! Of course I also need to add some fishes. It’s just not Alienhippy unless it has fishes.

Here is some RANDOM for you, because I like random

Take some time to escape all the Christmas shopping madness. (THINK) Wouldn’t it be nice if some of the Christmas shoppers were as kind and loving as this Gorilla?

Giving you the heads up

Unfinished (acrylic on canvas)

I have given my blog a make-over. New background and new headers. The headers show at random and change each time you click (it’s fun)

I have used all kinds of images. Some are of my art and fractals. Others are walks I have been on. There are a few cropped photos of my favourite places. Places where I sit with a coffee, write, reflect and be still. Also there are a few of my favourite things and special interests. Some memory photos that help me feel connected to the special people in my life. Of course there are also fun photos with my kids, pets and my collections too.

Alienhippy’s Blog…REALLY is a place where I can be me!

YAY!!!!   (insert happy-dancing here)   🙂 )))

I was going to write a post explaining why I have done this and YES it does involve a meltdown and a shutdown. Also a panic attack that was so out of proportion but lasted in total around 3 hours. Yes I was looping over stuff BIG time.

Today I am peaceful in my mind and heart

I feel still in my being and confident in who I am. So I  have no urgency to pour out poetry, prose or my emotional guts. I don’t need to analyse myself, I am just acceptant that these things happen and I will keep learning as I go. Also my mind is a little airy-fairy and not in it’s clever place today, even with numerous coffees, it’s wanting to be calm. So I really can’t be bothered to write about it all just yet, I’m going to enjoy not thinking for a change. I’ll maybe do it tomorrow if I remember. giggle. Or if my brain is that way inclined, we’ll have to wait and see, I never know from one day to the next, unless I just stay in my bubble then I know I’ll be ok. 😉 😉

Today is about my visuals not my Wonderfully Wired weirdness.

(Just so you know I am fine with my weirdness it’s not one of my triggers)

But the important thing is that through all my loops and misunderstanding God helped me to see. Do you know what I see? I love blogging, I NEED to write. I love my visual mind and all my many, many, many loops. Writing helps me to process all that goes on inside of me, not just my brain but my body too. Writing and sharing helps me to filter out the negativity and stop it from controlling my moods and behaviour. Seeing me in print and hearing from others that I am not the only one is such a blessing. I am 43 years old and only now seeing that I am not alone.

I will write……..

I will write when and how I choose to write. I will write WHAT I need to write in a way that helps me. I love that I can share who I am now, I love that so many of you communicate with me via comments, Facebook, Twitter, email and Skype. It’s so good to have friends.

My blog is my blog, “A place where I can be me!”

With all my new headers it even seems to reflect a little of how quickly my visual brain will change. Click something new, click another idea, click oh that’s so pretty, click I’ll go for a walk now, click where is my cat, click where are my other cats, click I need to clean, click I need to paint, click I need some music, click I need to be still.

I feel it REALLY does reflect a little bit more of who I am.

I like me, I love how God created me to be.

I love my new blog look too!

Love and hugs all beautiful friends out there in bloggyland.

Hey…see my stone collection? Isn’t it cool and aren’t they just so shiny!

Here is an image to click on if you only have a small screen.

It’s my NEW background photo. 🙂Thank you for coming along on this adventure with me and being the nice, kind, loving souls you are. I’m sorry I can’t always answer your comments but I do read every single one of them. They mean the world to me and they help me so very much.

Smiling at you. Lisa. xx 🙂

Here are my headers, cropped and collected for now. I will be adding more as time goes by. I am learning and growing all the time. My blog will be a reflection of this.

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This song has no relevance to this post what so ever. I’m putting it here because my *CAL has this on repeat quite loudly EVERYTIME we go for a drive.

I really enjoy trying to sing and rock out to this with my precious daughter. Eventhough we have no clue what the song is actually about.

Enjoy or don’t, we like it anyway. After all we are all unique in who we are.

Oldies are the besties

I have been having difficulty writing posts after reading some not very nice comments about bloggers and their writing styles. At the time I thought I was ok, but it has been looping in my head for nearly two weeks now and I can’t seem to be able to shift it. Some people can be so hurtful with their opinions. Writing is something I used to find release in, a way of me processing and feeling I would connect with those like me, those with similar struggles. Over the last few days I have found myself struggling to even share on my facebook.

I helped myself today by re-reading a few oldies

I need to go back to “Just Being Me!”

My blog is, “A place where I can be me!”

Trying to remember…

I am Aspie-happy.

I’m a multi coloured rainbow.

I turn negativity upside-down.

It’s not just about

“Me and my loops”

Or my supermarket Shutdowns/Meltdowns

It’s about Coping…finding new ways forward

Discovering those Lightening jumps and connections

Having those moments of recognition and true friendship

Yes, I’m the queen of the loops, but I “Listen through the Loops”

There maybe a LOT of “Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego”

Change is good when God prompts it

So, Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

Yes, this post is full of links and each one of them is a post about me struggling, persevering and overcoming. It’s about how I live and find ways to not be affected by a world that pushes for conformity. Where society makes me feel so different. My acceptance of being different but not less, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet but making it work for me the best I can. Learning to rise above the storm and say, “Bog off frantic thought loop!”

The following post is an oldie that made me giggle today,

It’s one I had totally forgotten about but it helped me to find me again. I tend not to take myself too seriously, and I like to see people smile. So here have a giggle on me. I’m processing as I write and I think I’m on my way back.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Just a babble and a giggle! (Embarrassing moments)

image found on Google

~

Hello friends out in bloggyland,

~

I just got back from dropping my *AJ off at his girlfriends.

I do love our little chats in the car we have such a giggle.

~

*AJ talked about a misplaced face.

The Aspies in my family do this all the time, we know faces from places.

Put them in a different place and we haven’t got a clue who they are.

Quite a few years back

Before I’d ever heard the word Aspergers, I bumped into a neighbour in a petrol station and she chatted with me for quite some time before she asked me if I was ok. I was completely confused to who she was and how she knew me. I was in my early 20’s and wasn’t as good at smiling and nodding as I am now.

It’s funny because I saw this neighbour at a social gathering I was dreading going to and she remembered this incident and I was able to explain to her. Only 20 years later…hehehe

Well me and *AJ then went onto EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

So as I LOVE to babble and I don’t really worry too much what I babble about, I thought I’d share probably the worst and MOST embarrassing moment of my adult years…In other words the most recent one.

If you follow my blog

You will remember a post I wrote about collecting and the emotions of parting with things of sentimental value.

You will remember the hurt I went through when the extension was built on my home and I had to part with the unopened boxes.

Those boxes full of memories.

As an Aspie I connect strongly to my emotions, thoughts and feelings when I touch things.

It triggers off the replays in my head and I can almost feel back in the time I would like to be in.

I LOVE being a Mom, it’s something I dreamed of

So parting with certain baby items was extremely hard for me, well the building work meant I had to clear out the loft space.

So here we go, my most recent embarrassing moment.

I never learn where speaking is concerned, I constantly get things wrong.

On my less confident days I don’t speak a word, but I think LOADS and LOADS.

On my confident days…..well, I tend to say what I think, I get myself into terrible pickles with this.

On this particular day I had revved myself up to doing something I REALLY didn’t want to do.

I was taking *CAL’s travel cot to the charity shop.

I had loads of bags and boxes of things that I was fine about taking.

The travel cot however, was NOT one of them.

I stood it up the side of the car while I put everything else in, and then when I looked up a young couple was walking towards me holding hands.

I thought perfect I can help them out, this travel cot has hardly been used.

I got so excited, I so love helping people,

I thought to myself…God has REALLY helped me here.

“Excuse me love, say no if you don’t want it…but it’s hardly been used,

would you like this travel cot?”

She said…“WHAT?!” and screwed her face up at me.

So me being the plonker I am… repeated myself,

“It’s hardly been used, would you like it…I’m just about to take it to the charity shop?”

Then she says…“Why would you think I want a travel cot?”

Yes I actually DID say this…

“Well, because you’re having a baby aren’t you? You look about 6 months pregnant!”

I’m laughing my head off now writing this, but at the time I thought she was going to kill me.

So there you have it, my most recent embarrassing moment.

Also I learnt a very valuable lesson.

…….Assumption is the mother of all cock ups Lisa!

Under the birch tree

Under the birch tree

A moment captured on my BlackBerry mobile while spending time being still.

Hello my friends and the Jesus in you.

I’m still ten minutes early for school pick up. I walked from my car to where I am sitting the long way round. Just so I could walk through the Autumn trees. The colours are so amazing. I love the way the leaves blow around and flutter to the ground. Singing like little dancing forest angels. Quite spectacular, they make me smile.

While walking I saw a Mistle thrush. She was digging around in a pile of darkened leaves, obviously some of the first to fall, they had lost their shine. She quickly flew off when I tried to take a photo. I so need a camera with a zoom lens.

I thought of you while I was walking. I chatted with you actually and thought if I had a little more time I could have written you a poem. The thought made me smile again. I am so going to do that, please remind me if I forget.

I’m sat on a very cold walk now, I can feel the cold numbing my bum while I’m writing this on my mobile. There is moss growing in all the cracks of this wall so it’s quite damp too. It’s very interesting to look at now I am being still and can see. The dark, fresh, green against the terracotta red brick. Such a wonderful contrast. It would so clash as clothing, but with nature I notice all colours bring light to one another.

This wall I am sitting on is under an old silver birch tree. They are not the most spectacular of trees when it comes to Autumn. They seem to be slower to share their change. The leaves I am gazing at are still green just lacking their summer depth. They are tinted around the edges with a hint of Autumn glow. The silver birch does stand out in the snow though. I love how their bark captures the sun’s reflection from a frosty morning. The frozen sparkles from a tarmac road twinkling their spectrum on the mirror of an old and sturdy friend.

Oh, here we go the gates have opened and the kids are rushing out. I need to go and take my place next to the lolly-pop man so my little *CAL can find me.

Psalms 86:11

Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

Worldless Wednesday

The Call of Jeremiah

The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ”

“Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 1:4-8 (New International Version 1984)