Knowing my limits! (ASD)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I read this quote by Joyce Meyer, it was shared as a fb status…

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits. Nobody says you have to do all the things you are doing.”

My first thought when I read this was, well who else is going to do them?

That’s right I was thinking of all my responsibilities.

Then I thought of something I have heard so many times but rarely acted upon.

“People can only control you if you let them!”

I have been thinking on the word “LIMITS”

Having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) CAN set limits, or more to the point, society WILL set limits. Social conformity requires that all people act in a similar way, depending on culture and upbringing. Limitations are put upon us and there is nothing we can do about it. Or is there?

I have been pondering on this today

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits.”

The only person in my life, who is pushing me to be like everyone else, is me.

Why do I care what others think of me when I know I am loved by God unconditionally.

I am also loved and accepted for who I am by my family and my close friends.

I am very blessed!

I don’t even want to be like everyone else, I don’t need to pretend to be someone I am not.

For me it’s about breaking the pattern I have known my whole life.

It’s about changing the voice in my head, the one that says, “I am wrong, everyone is better than me!”

Limits and restrictions are put in place by controllers.

These limits, restrictions, orders are not for our good and make us feel small, useless and worthless.

There are also loving restriction and limits.

Healthy boundaries that are taught and offered to us by those who love us.

Those who know us and want to see us thrive.

I have NEVER understood limits.

If there was something to climb, I had to climb to the very top. When I start a job, I don’t stop until it is complete. I have made myself ill carrying slabs and cement that were far too heavy for me. I have been out in the garden at 5am in the pouring rain digging a vegetable patch. I have also swam that many lengths of a pool I couldn’t walk and fell over when I got out….that was REALLY embarrassing actually…giggle.

These are just a few, there are so many I can see now looking back.

Being told about something is not the same as learning about it. I have to experience things to understand.

The limits I’m more concerned about are these.

I don’t understand my social and emotional limits.

I am now trying to understand the pattern behind my shutdowns/meltdowns when placed into over stimulating social environments. I’m very aware now that it is impossible for me to separate thought and feeling. I find it hard to understand some kinds of humour or if a person is being nasty.

Not always being able to read body language or facial expression will give added anxiety. This will then cause stress and overwhelm of emotion. This I will not read correctly and will over-tax my thinking trying to process it all. I will then feel over emotional and extremely drained. Also I will replay it all trying desperately to understand. While doing this I am draining myself further and confusing myself with things that may or may not have actually happened.

Limits on people and places

I am thinking of ways now to predict how I will react. Unfamiliar places are not a problem if I only have to absorb the new surroundings and don’t have to deal with new people.

Likewise, new people I can cope with if I am used to the environment and the expectation of whom and how I am to act in said environment. I learnt to imitate my Mom, and I don’t have to think to do this. However I do need to remember that when I do imitate, it will drain me and cause me to have to have downtime later. It burns me out!

Meeting new people in new places is FAR TOO MUCH and over time will eventually render me dysfunctional. Doing this for a short period of time is ok, but will have consequence. I can see and understand that if I fill a glass too much with liquid it over pours. Also I can see and understand that if I pump too much air into a balloon it will explode.

I need to learn my limits.

My whole life I have been trying to fit in a world where Autism is invisible. I didn’t even know I just thought I was odd, thick, over emotional and a depressive. These are the things that people have told me and I have taken on board as who I am.

Now I know, I’m just Autistic!

I’m different, not less!

I read this earlier and it also explained to me that I need to learn about my limits.

What I can do without pushing myself over the edge. Causing that overspill or explosion!

We abandon our path when we try to walk down someone else’s to live up to standards that we have not chosen in a life that is not ours. Instead of living within our limits, we often judge ourselves for having these limits and then challenge these seemingly unrealistic boundaries and try to push to be better, work harder, and achieve more. But to what end? What are we trying to prove? We often set and try to live up to unrealistic expectations, pushing ourselves beyond the limits we have to try to accomplish more. After all, we want to believe that we can do more and have it all while feeling great!  But how many people do you personally know who feel this way all the time and are truly fulfilled?

These are my thoughts for today, I hope they make sense.

I will let you know how it all goes, as I keep learning to be me!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I DON’T like the word “Obsessive”

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Look at the word Obsession

(World English Dictionary)

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

1. psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness

2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS WORD!

It’s probably just me and my past, but it just seems that sometimes when it is said to me it makes me feel all icky inside, icky and wrong.

I read a quote this morning on a fb pages

I can’t remember which one now but the words stuck in my head. I also read one of the responses to the quote and it made me think how important it is to see who we are in Christ. To try hard to see who God sees in us. Not how we view ourselves, or how those in our lives make us feel about ourselves. This is a very hard balance to find. I believe it can only really be obtained through relationship with God, over time, with maturity. It’s the mark we will always keep missing. God’s love is unconditional we can rest in the blessed assurance of our precious Saviour.

This is what I wrote down, it is what I pondered on and later what I prayed about.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

Not knowing why I’m different has caused scars

“We see it as we are…” If you grow up never feeling you belong the world can feel pretty hostile. I learned to see beauty in nature, animals, children, interests, songs and objects. I have always shied away from people and close friendships. I only put myself with groups of people when I knew I could cope. I have learned now to pick these groups very carefully after many bad experiences.

Being an Aspie is a blessing

I don’t always see this so I am writing it down today. I need to be able to remind myself the next time I have been totally overloaded and had to shutdown completely. I see things differently because my brain is wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

People say that Auties/Aspies are obsessive

It may seem this way if that’s what you see, but I want to change that word to passionate.

Obsessive is a negative word in my head it makes me feel that I am wrong, strange, weird, freaky.

I can be very focused, I see things in great detail. If I am interested and care about something or someone I am very loyal, dedicated to that. I very often will miss other things going on that are not interesting to me. In my life I have been made to feel bad for being me, I have been made to feel stupid because I have missed things. To feel I’m a nuisance because I need to communicate in my way.

for instance…

I loved my fish tank as a child, I would sit, focus and learn everything I could about my fishes and my aquarium. Fishes have always been positive in my life and helped me feel happy. While all the girls my age, were watching the Live Aid concert. I was cleaning out my aquarium and listening to it, I had new plants and I created a new environment for my fish. I was totally happy doing this and remember it so very well. When meeting up with these “friends” I didn’t know much about what had happened in Live Aid, I only heard the music. I listened to them all talking and was afraid to say I didn’t watch it, I only listened. I knew how they would all react. I would have been 16 years old and I knew my ways seemed odd to most people.

Now look at the word passion

Passion (from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω (paskho) meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.

The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject, idea, person, or object. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.

Those who know and love Aspies/Auties

I believe you too will see this, we can’t control our happy-dance, our smiles, our clapping, our over excitement. I believe those who love and accept see how we focus and watch how we learn. I believe you can also see how we shutdown out of hurt, fear, rejection and an intense feeling of overwhelming wrongness that we can’t process.

So you too see through Aspie eyes!

Passion is what I feel towards what I am interested in

I am passionate about my family and as a Mom to understand my kids and be the best I can be for them. I am passionate about my relationship with God and finding His calling in my life. I love my blogs and I get a lot of positive experience from writing.

“Obsessive” seems….I don’t know.

I just know that to me it makes me feel like I’m bad in some way.

I used an apple to describe my brain today

That’s right I had to explain how I think to someone today.

Any other adult Aspie who can relate to this??? 🙂

I couldn’t use words and I needed something to hold and look at to explain myself. I got two apples out of the fruit bowl and explained what I understand in my way because I hate it when people tell me I am obsessive and they say it in a way that sounds so negative.

Two Apples, this one is Autistic and this one NT…..LOL

Passionate sounds so much better! (Don’t you think?)

What I am passionate about is always at the forefront of my mind, I can’t change that, my brain has ALWAYS been like that. It’s what I call my lovely loop, it’s a very positive loop for me that gives me joy and happiness. It helps me to feel I belong and gives me energy, motivation and confidence. My special interests are part of this loop. When I can feel good about this loop I can feel good about me and then functioning in a normal day and being around people is NOT at all hard.

When I’m made to feel negative about this loop THEN it becomes obsessive because I am trying so desperately not to feel rejected/isolated/defective. I can’t switch off what I love to do, what I like to think about. I can’t switch off thinking about those I love and ways I can help them. My brain is always puzzling these things out, always communicating with itself and because I have a faith my brain automatically will pray too. I can’t stop how my brain works, I can however let it loop, allow it to feed me positive energy and use that energy to help me in daily life. I can enjoy the visual overlays that inspire me in my days, the reruns and the imaginary conversations. As a child I couldn’t control this and I couldn’t understand why the things I loved to do where taken from me. Why I felt so alone or why I felt so stupid when given something to do that had NO interest to me what.so.ever. My interests are what taught me to eventually learn to read, no one had given me a book I was interested in, so why would I want to read. My passion for learning the truth about Jesus taught me to read.

Having kids, responsibilities and routines helps

I am able to plan and put slots in my day. One thing I enjoy is finding quotes in my coffee quote time. I love to write and paint, sing and play my guitar. I love spending time with my kids and my dogs. I also love spending time with those who love and accept me. I am finding me again. The person God created me to be in all my Aspieness and also in His image.

So after pointing at the front of an apple

Explaining, the best way I could, what my brain works like and how I have had to fake who I am most of my life to avoid ridicule and social rejection. I then spoke on how I have embraced my Aspieness after hiding who I am for nearly 40 years. I am not the person that bends over backwards trying to please everyone just to keep friends anymore. Today when someone I love said to me, “Lisa, hand on heart, you have to admit you are not the easiest person to have to cope with!”

I know this person meant well, I know this person totally loves me. My real self has come as a shock to this person who has only known me imitating my Mom. Not the me who had no close friends and no one who could relate to me. This person only saw what I allowed to be seen.

I thought about the words I wrote down this morning.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

I know God created me to be me. So I will listen to Him.

I’m not obsessive, I’m passionate about who God created me to be.

1 Corinthians 13:12

The Message (MSG)

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

I don a mask for every day

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have a poem to share today, I wrote it after a reflective prayer time. I find that is when my poetry flows easiest and very quickly. I believe prayer is a gift that God gives to us. A gift of friendship, unconditional love and acceptance from our Heavenly Father.

I don’t always think this way though

And then I end up on my knees anyway because I haven’t processed things properly, I have become overloaded and I shutdown. So I am learning to build a better friendship with Jesus because He is the best friend I could ever have.

I read a wonderful post the other day

It was written by my closest friend Fiona over at Wonderfully Wired. It is a very touching post and it reminded me of an old poem I wrote way back in my first three months of blogging.

A poem called “Internalise”

It also reminded me of words spoken by Paul to the Church in Corinth.

These are Paul’s words

2 Corinthians 3:18  (NIV)

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

As I sat and reflected on my thoughts

I “Listened through the Loops” in my mind and I knew I had a post to write, and then a poem came instead. I will share my poem at the end of this post.

All those STUPID MASKS

In Fi’s post she talks about how she has to wear a mask and pretend. She also share about how her beautiful son *Harley is learning to put on a mask too, because he sees he is different to the other kids at school. *Harley has Aspergers.

He also sees that for most people he needs to pretend and conform to society and it’s unwritten rules. That his beautiful loving nature is a thing that other children tease him for. I know these feelings all too well, seems to me the more you love the more you get hurt.

Fiona also shares of how when *Harley comes home he can take off that stupid mask and be just who he is created to be.

You can read Fiona’s post here, Stupid Masks

Fi’s unconditional love for her children, her passion for bringing awareness to the needs of those on the spectrum, her accepting, loving, open and honest nature makes her blog a must read.

Plus I find my friend so very inspiring. 🙂

Here is my poem

I don a mask for every day

by Alienhippy

I don a mask for every day

Slip out the door my head will pray

I speak the words my heart will hear

Protect me Lord from all this fear

~

As I’m walking through this day

Give me ears for what you say

With faith my hope will always please

You’ll bring these loops down to their knee

~

These masks can go and I can be

Wonderfully Wired created to be me

Seeing through your eyes, born unique

Living in acceptance gratefully I seek

~

Your Son will help me fully live

Not for myself but learning to give

And in my life your love will flow

My feet and heart will gladly go

~

To every corner that’s in darkness

Tell my story share this gladness

You came to me to heal my pain

In your love, I trust love again

~

Just like a child without restrictions

No tortured confines, obsessive addictions

But giving freely and believing in you

To guide my life and get me through

Doodling in the dirt!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

In my last babble post I spoke about an encounter while shopping. This experience has stayed with me for a WHOLE week now. I have had a shutdown during this week after a build up of “Not Knowing” how I’ve been feeling, so I was not really able to process or filter out experiences. Also a fear came over me of writing, because of misunderstanding a person and their choice of words.

“I not know what I done!”

These were the words spoken by the young man in the post I refer to. The words that caused my shutdown in a supermarket. If you are confused here is the link to that post…

Shutdown in a Supermarket…The Big Issue?

“I not know what I done!”…or for me, “I don’t know what I did wrong!” has been a familiar and constant thought. It replaced the, “Why???” question. At around 8-10 years of age I realised that my constant “WHY?” was more than annoying to everyone I asked. I started to try to guess and work out what was meant. Not easy when facial expression and body language are not part of your understanding and you take everything literally and to heart.

I over think things now!

I realised this week that because I can’t always make out what a person means, I actually read it totally wrong a lot of the time by trying to think it through. I suppose this comes down to my lack of confidence in understanding peoples intensions. Not wanting to ask because I’m fed up of being laughed at. Also a lot of people just don’t seem to have time to be bothered with anyone but themselves. I am constantly analysing what people say, I try to figure out if they actually mean the words they are saying. I think this is also to do with my literal thinking. But I hate the thought of saying or doing something that might hurt someone.

Writing is something I never thought I would do!

That is the total truth! If someone would have said to me in May 2010 you are going to write and share you thoughts and feelings to 100’s of people 3 times a week and have 2 blogs I would have thought they were mad. But here I am babbling away and I still can’t believe that I do this. I do love to write though and it helps me so much to release all the many, MANY thoughts I store up in my mind.

I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.

But I do know that I can’t go far wrong if I keep looking to Jesus.

If I keep following His example, I keep looking to His word and trying my best to put it into practice.

Accepting that I am only human and I know how often I fall short.

KNOWING deep in my heart that God loves and accepts me just as I am.

Even when I don’t know what I’m doing, just trying and failing is better than sitting and stagnating on what ifs and maybes.

Trusting in His plans that are to prosper and not to harm.

My head fills up with questions all the time!

I don’t get a lot of people, I simply don’t understand them and their ways. I have to filter through my understanding of who they are. This can be very draining sometimes. If I don’t do this though I am way too trusting and people are not always nice, then I get incredibly hurt.

My many loops of questions and conversations, replays and visuals can trap me and push me into wrong situations. These will then spiral and bring me to shutdown or even meltdown.

Also when people keep pushing me for decisions or for answers, I can’t reach my own perception. I will mimic and I will people please to stop the confusion in my mind. I will do this so very well I have had years and years of practice at it!

I have found a way of helping myself with this.

Now that I see this about myself, I have to first say “NO!”

Those negative, put me down voices of my past…I say, “No…That is a lie!”

I have shared before how I love art and how as a child I would doodle in my margins at school to try to understand better. This got me into a lot of trouble and because of a lack of understanding of ASD’s this also damaged my learning experience and educational development.

When I was reading my Bible the other day…

I realised that I’m not the only one who needs to doodle and look away to stop the questioning and find my truth.

I realised that I’m not the only one who has to disengage eye contact to hear my inner voice.

I realised that I’m not the only one who can process my thoughts when writing them down.

I see with Aspie eyes and my own tangents bring me peace.

Jesus saw through God’s eyes and His love brings eternal life.

John 8:6-8 (GNT)

They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger. As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them. Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her. Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee while I was coming through a shutdown.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee!

Aspies don’t have emotions…???

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Many of you will know how much I enjoy watching YouTube.

I find video so helpful,

I have learnt many things through watching tutorials and I am very grateful to many YouTubers for the help they give to others.

I also love finding other Aspies

Some of them tell their stories so well. Being dyslexic as well as having Aspie traits makes reading really hard going sometimes, so video is a way for me to learn and also feel part of, and not cut off.

The AnMish is a wonderful young woman who I find has experienced so much that I can relate to.

I watched this video of hers today and she said so much of what I have bottled up inside me.

I’m so glad that she knows this about herself at such a young age.

I just hope that my *CAL can learn to express as well by this age, what I still find hard.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

I was feeling brave…Eeeek (Cybergirl’s words)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’m feeling kinda brave and decided to share an audio with you.

I don’t do this very often, and I cringe at my voice when I listen to it.

However I haven’t got anything else to share with you today. 😉

I wrote this poem over a year ago and it is one of my favourites.

I added the audio later and not many have heard it, sneaky sneaky Lisa…hehe

Also I think it’s good to read a year later and see how I have grown.

God is SO good!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Cybergirl’s Words!

by Alienhippy

I wish I had the words to express, the emotions that I feel.

The hurt inside my thoughts so wide, all consuming and so real.

I wish I knew what was really true, as I ponder every second.

With pictures, process, words and touch, these confused connections send.

What ifs and dids,  maybes and buts, video clips that drive me nuts.

And questions I just can’t keep in, obsessive demands of insecure nagging.

If you could visit inside my brain, you’d see the energy of me you drain.

Then you’d talk with me not gripe and smirk, you’d see how hard this makes me work.

So, please just open up your mouth, just let them words come dancing out.

I need to know what I need to do, or I get it all wrong and I can’t see through.

The muddled replays of confused devotion, wrapped up in a brain explosion.

Of imaginary or past signals, where I’ve conversed with many walls.

I beg you please just speak to me, help me see, or set me free.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

CYBERWOMAN

CYBERMAN

Knowing my limits! (ASD)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I read this quote today on Joyce Meyer’s fb status…

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits. Nobody says you have to do all the things you are doing.”

My first thought when I read this was, well who else is going to do them?

That’s right I was thinking of all my responsibilities.

Then I thought of something I have heard so many times but rarely acted upon.

“People can only control you if you let them!”

I have been thinking on the word “LIMITS”

Having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) CAN set limits, or more to the point, society WILL set limits. Social conformity requires that all people act in a similar way, depending on culture and upbringing. Limitations are put upon us and there is nothing we can do about it. Or is there?

I have been pondering on this today

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits.”

The only person in my life, who is pushing me to be like everyone else, is me.

Why do I care what others think of me when I know I am loved by God unconditionally.

I am also loved and accepted for who I am by my family and my close friends.

I am very blessed!

I don’t even want to be like everyone else, I don’t need to pretend to be someone I am not.

For me it’s about breaking the pattern I have known my whole life.

It’s about changing the voice in my head, the one that says, “I am wrong, everyone is better than me!”

Limits and restrictions are put in place by controllers.

These limits, restrictions, orders are not for our good and make us feel small, useless and worthless.

There are also loving restriction and limits,

Healthy boundaries that are taught and offered to us by those who love us.

Those who know us and want to see us thrive.

I have NEVER understood limits.

If there was something to climb, I had to climb to the very top. When I start a job, I don’t stop until it is complete. I have made myself ill carrying slabs and cement that were far too heavy for me. I have been out in the garden at 5am in the pouring rain digging a vegetable patch. I have also swam that many lengths of a pool I couldn’t walk and fell over when I got out….that was REALLY embarrassing actually…giggle.

These are just a few, there are so many I can see now looking back.

Being told about something is not the same as learning about it. I have to experience things to understand.

The limits I’m more concerned about are these

I don’t understand my social and emotional limits.

I am now trying to understand the pattern behind my shutdowns/meltdowns when placed into over stimulating social environments. I’m very aware now that it is impossible for me to separate thought and feeling. I find it hard to understand some kinds of humour or if a person is being nasty.

Not always being able to read body language or facial expression will give added anxiety. This will then cause stress and overwhelm of emotion. This I will not read correctly and will over-tax my thinking trying to process it all. I will then feel over emotional and extremely drained. Also I will replay it all trying desperately to understand. While doing this I am draining myself further and confusing myself with things that may or may not have actually happened.

Limits on people and places

I am thinking of ways now to predict how I will react. Unfamiliar places are not a problem if I only have to absorb the new surroundings and don’t have to deal with new people.

Likewise, new people I can cope with if I am used to the environment and the expectation of whom and how I am to act in said environment. I learnt to imitate my Mom, and I don’t have to think to do this. However I do need to remember that when I do imitate, it will drain me and cause me to have to have downtime later. It burns me out!

Meeting new people in new places is FAR TOO MUCH and over time will eventually render me dysfunctional. Doing this for a short period of time is ok, but will have consequence. I can see and understand that if I fill a glass too much with liquid it over pours. Also I can see and understand that if I pump too much air into a balloon it will explode.

I need to learn my limits

My whole life I have been trying to fit in a world where Autism is invisible. I didn’t even know I just thought I was odd, thick, over emotional and a depressive. These are the things that people have told me and I have taken on board as who I am.

Now I know, I’m just Autistic!

I’m different, not less!

I read this earlier and it also explained to me that I need to learn about my limits.

What I can do without pushing myself over the edge. Causing that overspill or explosion!

We abandon our path when we try to walk down someone else’s to live up to standards that we have not chosen in a life that is not ours. Instead of living within our limits, we often judge ourselves for having these limits and then challenge these seemingly unrealistic boundaries and try to push to be better, work harder, and achieve more. But to what end? What are we trying to prove? We often set and try to live up to unrealistic expectations, pushing ourselves beyond the limits we have to try to accomplish more. After all, we want to believe that we can do more and have it all while feeling great!  But how many people do you personally know who feel this way all the time and are truly fulfilled?

These are my thoughts for today, I hope they make sense.

I will let you know how it all goes, as I keep learning to be me!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂