Chameleon by Alienhippy
I write when I’m emotional, it seems to help at times
But lately I have not pushed through to find my words of rhyme
I let myself shrink back in fear and forgot I had a voice
That who I am is not worth less but I have to stand by choice
~
I hide when I am trying to please the masses not my needs
And fear and dread turn into pain, my soul and spirit bleeds
Invisible, when in a crowd, a Chameleon act of protection
But still the aching void speaks loud, destructive self rejection
~
Being confident that I’m enough no need for validation
Just be myself not hide my shine, this traps me in frustration
Be strong enough to walk away and hold my head up high
Better alone living in my truth than to live my life a lie
~
So now I stand and raise my voice in rhyming words of verse
As images of dancing angst replay, rebuild, rehearse
And as I push me past the zone of comfort one more time
I take deep breaths and know my heart is good yet on the line
I received my online Bible devotional this morning and the title made me to cringe. I have been following this Christian devotional every week day, for some time, and I totally enjoy the messages shared. Thankfully I have been gaining insight from these devotionals long enough to know that this reaction was not something I should be having. I realised that it must be a trigger word that my past experiences have caused within me.
As an Aspie I can take things literally
Only with age, LOTS of thinking and listening through my loops, have I learned that things/people are not always the way they seem. My many loops are constantly questioning and planning…that’s on my good days. On my bad days they are accusing and taunting me with words and memories of those who have not loved or accepted me for who I am.
The title of the devotional is, “Becoming more fruitful.”
Not really something that should make a Christian cringe.
Let me explain my understanding of why this happened.
My first reaction was to close my email and not read it AT ALL.
My heart called out to God with the words,
“Please God I can’t cope with the pain of any more people,
I don’t want to become more fruitful.”
I can giggle about this now but this morning this was very real and all confused in my head. I wasn’t understanding God’s word for me but hearing the words of those in positions of authority from when I was in a religious sect.
I opened up the devotional and read the following
John 15
The Vine and the Branches
1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I then pondered on what the Bible says is the fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-26
New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Then I allowed the replay of my past
I allowed myself to relive this visual, and it really hurt. I relived the interpretation and this time I KNEW it was not the truth. It was just another person following a doctrine that had been given to her from another. I know I also passed this understanding on to those that I believed God had put in my care. This kind of religious belief causes so much confusion, especially to those who are hurting, vulnerable and seeking for truth. Those who want to see good and trust too easily.
When you grow up feeling totally alien and misunderstood
Not knowing why you can’t fit, and not understanding why life is so complicated and people hurt you so deeply all the time. Then someone offers you answers and they seem to know what they are talking about. It is so very easy to just follow.
In this sect I was very good at imitating those in leadership
I believed in my heart that this was my calling. My obsessive Aspie ways and my need to know, pushed me to seek out the best ways to fit, to be accepted in a group of “very happy people.”
Only when it was put on me that I was responsible for the so called “spiritual growth” of those put in my care did I start to retreat/shutdown and eventually meltdown. I suffered total burnout from the constant pretence and plastic smiles.
I am very open and honest by nature, so in this environment I got heavily challenged constantly and rebuked quite often. I have always been a person who wants to please others, so I obeyed and submitted to those I saw as my leaders, I believed they were chosen by God. Also a lot of submission scriptures were twisted to the gain of those who used them.
Being fruitful in this particular church
Meant…You were mature enough spiritually to look after/oversee large amounts of people. You had proven that you could go out and find people who you would convert to this belief. This also meant you were expected to give a daily account for anything you might be doing that doesn’t fit with this particular doctrine, interpretation of scripture. Also give account for those you had in your group.
So I can see a trigger word now…”fruitful”
I wonder how many more there are?
A vulnerable Aspie looking after vulnerable people and being told to push them, using scripture, to be more productive. Eventually when I did snap, when I did refuse to do what I was told to do. I was seen as struggling and weak, rebellious a fall away and my group was distributed to others.
I can see now that this was totally God
At the time though it broke my heart. I went straight to my Bible and really got stuck in.
After studying scripture for myself, not for others. When I was then told what to do I already had my own conviction. The damage was done though because much of the Bible had now got a slant and reading it after leaving this church was impossible. I spent 4 years not being able to read the one book that gives me comfort. It took a lot of prayer and my Mom’s faith, her unconditional love and acceptance to bring me through this and still I would not trust anyone who said they loved God.
In the sect that I was part of, following its teachings. The word fruitful was twisted and used to praise and raise up those who brought great numbers of people to church. We had cranked the streets and been very persuasive in our choice of words. I will say when I was doing this I did believe, whole heartedly, that I was doing God’s work. I totally felt that what I was doing was right and I was helping people. I know that there are some wonderful and very sincere people in these type of sects. However mankind has its tendency to put power where it should not be, and raise up the wrong ideas.
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the fruit of the spirit.
They are born in us through acceptance of God’s love, mercy and grace. With these we can share His love and our love with those in our lives. Also we naturally share our faith and love with those who are seeking and listening for Him who brings light into the darkness.
It’s NOT about Bible bashing and street cranking for me.
I’m an Aspie, it never was! God created me this way and He knows me better than I know myself. He saw my heart when I pushed myself, WAY out of my comfort zone and into crowds of people. I trusted He would guide me and lead me and keep me safe…I was terrified, but I did what I thought I had to do. I didn’t understand that God loves me unconditionally, because I felt worthless. I didn’t understand that I don’t have to please Him, just love Him back and accept His sacrifice.
My thoughts while praying today were,
The fruit when ripe drops from the tree and it is scattered; some fruit is carried away by animals and buried. It rots away and the seed deep inside germinates and grows roots. It remains hidden, resting, feeding. It is covered, sheltered while its roots dig down deep and then it starts to emerge, it grows. It blooms and blossoms and looks magnificent. Then when that tree is mature, healthy and ready it will bear fruit and nourish that fruit until the fruit is ready to be picked or to fall.
We all have dead branches, and pruning can be painful at times.
Sometimes it’s a case of finding those hidden branches, the things in our past that we don’t always see. Then allowing the healing through tears to water and feed the seed of truth and freedom.
I think this Bible devotional, that I nearly didn’t read, turned out to be pretty fruitful for me.
Many of you will know how much I enjoy watching YouTube.
I find video so helpful,
I have learnt many things through watching tutorials and I am very grateful to many YouTubers for the help they give to others.
I also love finding other Aspies
Some of them tell their stories so well. Being dyslexic as well as having Aspie traits makes reading really hard going sometimes, so video is a way for me to learn and also feel part of, and not cut off.
The AnMish is a wonderful young woman who I find has experienced so much that I can relate to.
I watched this video of hers today and she said so much of what I have bottled up inside me.
I’m so glad that she knows this about herself at such a young age.
I just hope that my *CAL can learn to express as well by this age, what I still find hard.
I became extremely overwhelmed when reading the following.
We need to be on guard against the Data Myth and the stereotypes it perpetuates. Children with autism may sometimes react differently, but that doesn’t mean they lack human emotions. We need to think about, write about, and treat children with autism with the understanding that they experience a full range of emotions but have trouble processing and communicating them. We need to understand that they are interested in people and want to interact, but that they have sensory or communication issues that make it difficult. We need to challenge the medical community to rise above these stereotypes. And we need to see our kids as already whole and complete children, not as faulty
The post reminded me of some thoughts I wrote last year.
So I thought I’d share and update with more recent thoughts.
The Blue Peter Cambodia Appeal.
I was about 10 years old, the children’s TV show here in the UK “Blue Peter” had an appeal to raise money for children in Cambodia. They showed an awful amount of footage that made me feel very lucky to have food and a home. It also devastated me to see such under nourished children with flies circling their faces and them having no energy to flick them away. This footage I still remember to this day, and if I focus on it I still cry.
My Mom in her wisdom, decided to use my very visual imagination to get me to part with some of my many toys, that I was extremely attached to. She came into my bedroom with black bin bags and said something like this, “You have far too many toys in this room, everything needs to be sorted and tidied up. There are a lot of starving children in this world, you’ve seen it on Blue Peter. Get rid of some of these toys and I will take them to the charity shop and you will help to save a little child’s life.”
I gave away everything
I couldn’t bear the thought of these little kids having no food. The visuals from Blue Peter were far too much for me.
I only kept 2 toys, my Tiny Tears Doll and my Teddy Boo-Boo. I still have both of them.
Now I have a theory about this lack of empathy thing
It’s only from my understanding and what I have lived, I have read nothing on it…my dyslexia makes that difficult. Personal accounts from others is my best way of learning.
I know that over the years I have had to shut down to my feelings because they are so intense. I can get so overwhelmed by emotion that I can barely function. I know that when I love a person they become as important as myself. My children are more important and I would die for them.
Because I have visual reruns of things that either hurt me or confuse me, I end up rehearsing and chatting and analysing, this can be quite tiring. I will have so many conversations going around in my head. I have managed to stay in touch with my feelings, emotions and show empathy by being careful what I feed my brain with. Being careful not to overload myself. I know now what will replay in my constant thought loops and which things to avoid. I can also praise up the less noisy loops and help myself to do the things that are hard to do.
I think that the lack of empathy thing is just a shut down mechanism of self protection because emotion is so intense…it will overload the system and cause sensory difficulties and eventually complete shutdown. But this is just a whole load of Lisa Lingo from my babbling thought loops.
I just know that when I gave my toys away it was because I cared deeply for children I would never meet, and I was willing to go without my faithful friends so they would live. I don’t believe that I lack empathy and I don’t believe other Aspies do either. But this is just my understanding.
“I have taken you out of your comfort zone Lisa, but you will adapt!”
I was struggling to comprehend the changes to what I was doing, the environment I was placed in and the NEW people I was having to interact with. I tried my best to explain the overwhelm of sensory and emotions I was dealing with on top of everything else I am trying to process lately, that this person knows about.
Yes I was way out of my comfort zone and barely staying afloat.
All I wanted to do was run, hide and be in a safe place. My emotions were at full capacity, my sensory was switched on to the max and I felt that NO ONE was listening, NO ONE understood and most of all NO ONE cared.
I am no longer in that situation now, I know my limits and they were pushed too far. I also know that if I only had to cope with an environmental change with familiar people I would have been ok. Or if I had to cope with new people in a familiar environment and routine that also would have been ok. However this was new environment, new people and new routine all in one go.
I felt totally overwhelmed by this and was not really processing what was going on. I felt I was letting down those around me. I hate feeling like I let people down and this will not leave my head. I had no choice but to leave this situation and sort out the other things in my life that are causing me complications.
This quote is from The Data Myth post
Children with autism have empathy. They may behave differently. They may communicate differently. They may need more time to process the event and the emotions. They may even experience emotions too intensely.
Those high functioning on the spectrum
Don’t grow out of being Autistic, we just learn how to hide it REALLY well. We have to, because most people in this world don’t understand empathy and our ways are seen as different, odd, unacceptable and over-emotional.
I wrote a post this morning about my drive around the country side yesterday. Writing helps me to process, it helps me to keep moving forward. I didn’t really go into detail about why I’m loopy, I’m still not going to give too much away. What I will share though is that when things get me down, I can always count on God to help me. He pulls me back out of my pit, and shows me He loves me.
I read this verse a few days ago
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 (NIV1984)
I love it when you read a Bible verse and you feel it inside, you’re not just reading it! You just know that God is going to bring about the promise.
My head has been looping since 24th July
The reason behind my loops I won’t be sharing but it made me REALLY want my Mom, or my Nan. They are both dead so I can’t chat with them or get comfort from the two people that knew me best. My Dad is very Autistic and cannot relate to me at all. I know he loves me but he has never been able to understand me.
I don’t share very often about my brother.
This is a post I wrote a while back which mentions him, nothing has changed. If you would like to read it feel free, I would appreciate prayers for him.
He is 18 months younger than me. He is also on the Spectrum but will never be allowed to accept it, as the life he is living (at the moment) is very controlled. For various reasons.
My Bro *BA was BIG TIME into body building for quite some time. He also had a Black belt 4th Dan in Karate. He loves photography and is extremely talented at it. He has won numerous competitions. He used to Sail and we had a small sailing boat that we would sail together. To relax he used to go fishing, where he would read his Bible and drink his own homebrew…lol….happy times.
He has many layers that only the closest of people can see, and only those who truly love him will ever accept. He is very obsessive with his interests and can be lost in them for far too long. He becomes a master of whatever he puts his mind to…I will also say he has written the most beautiful poetry in the past. One day I hope to see my real brother again not the one that is being controlled.
I have written many posts about how God helps me through animals and nature. God reaches people where they are at, His love is unconditional.
Today, while snuggling on the sofa with my little *CAL watching Meet the Robinsons. The theme tune to the movie really spoke to me, it helped me to feel understood.
Also…the words “Keep moving forward!” spoke to me too.
Here is the theme tune if you want to have a listen.
This is where I see God and make connections.
I know a lot of people might not see this but to me this is part of how I believe.
While on the YouTube page listening to this tune I was praying for my brother and thinking about how much I miss who he is. I don’t really know this *BA, I know my little Aspie brother is in there somewhere, if only he could just be himself again.
Anyway, I started to scroll down the videos on the right and found a song totally out of context. It was a song I was singing yesterday while driving on my own, and while sat outside my brothers home praying for him. It’s a song that we would play as teens driving down the motorway in his old Black BMW when he first passed his test. This helped me so much, because I KNOW God knows the truth.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
I have been pondering on this for quite a few days. I haven’t known how to write it up. I will try my best to explain from my own personal experiences how being made to fit has damaged my understanding of self.
Can I just say this is a personal account and all Aspies are individuals. My life and the effect of being undiagnosed on the Spectrum may be very different from someone elses.
However I feel that me sharing this may also help someone to recognise these things within themselves. That is my purpose for blogging my thoughts.
Misunderstood Meltdowns and shutdowns.
I grew up not knowing that I have Autistic traits. My parents did their best and so did everyone who loved me. I was a very active/curious/hyper child and did extremely dangerous things sometimes.
My Mom was very loving and did everything she could to help me to understand. She would explain the best way she could. However my Dad, who is Autistic, could not communicate well at all and I felt very unloved by his ways most of the time.
When I was overloaded, because of my sensory difficulties, I would very often burst into tears and not understand why I was crying. Also when having meltdowns I was told I was naughty and a nuisance, why couldn’t I just behave myself.
I didn’t understand myself why I was acting the way I did. I still struggle with this now. I write so I can make sense of it all. As a child I couldn’t express in anyway, I am also dyslexic so writing didn’t come until I was quite a lot older.
What I did have as a child was art and dancing. These were my things and this was my way.
That was great till I started school.
I shared about my problem with expressing through art and stories when at school in this post.
With dancing I also explained how being afraid and not understanding in dance classes became so hard for me to enjoy expressing through movement that I would shutdown, this then put me off dancing. This post is about that.
Without being able to explain through the talents I had I became stuck with not being able to express at all. Listening to music and other peoples lyrics became my only way. Poetry started to help me. But I didn’t start writing my own expressive or inspirational poetry until I was in my 20’s. Even then I hid it and never shared because by this time I believed that I did EVERYTHING wrong.
I didn’t want to be a nuisance, I didn’t want to be naughty. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling, from hurting, from “NOT KNOWING” so over time I became quiet. I stopped talking because I was so afraid of who I was and how people perceived me. I allowed others to make my choices for me. These were not always with my best interest at heart.
I stopped looking at people because I thought they could see I was naughty. I felt like they could read my mind and see I was pretending to understand. I felt stupid and too afraid to ask. I made my bedroom my comfort zone. I screamed at people for coming into my space. I didn’t know why so I felt bad about that too.
Conforming to the “norm”
By the time I was 11 I realised that within society my Mom was acceptable but my Dad was not. I knew I was like my Dad and this troubled me deeply. I did everything I could to imitate my Mom, I still wear the mask of my Mom when I have to. I learnt to conform and I learnt that people loved my Mom.
I can see that people like me when I act like my Mom but if I drop the mask and let the Lisa out I have a constant fear of who will reject or abandon me. This I have to work on daily.
What happened over the years was the loops asked the questions. OVER and OVER and OVER.
The loops did the accusing. OVER and OVER and OVER.
I couldn’t always tell what people actually meant, so I would keep replaying it in my head. I would have to analyse every detail of every conversation. If I spoke I had to be very certain of what I was saying.
I became a perfectionist and then very critical of self and others. I had to have everything done my way or I couldn’t cope. As a teen this kind of behaviour is seen as spoilt brat mentality. This also made me feel bad, wrong, selfish…this led to rebellion, mild self harming and suicidal thoughts.
This negative understanding of self within controlling relationships, then made me lose self and become all other.
A perfect imitation of the person I admired, respected or loved. I was so desperately wanting acceptance/approval. When rejection or abandoment happened I would be devastated. I lacked self worth so badly that I would feel dead inside when a person disappeared out of my life. I didn’t function without having that model to follow. I wouldn’t know how to. I would have to find self all over again, but I would be constantly condemning myself for another failure.
A perception of self hate/self rejection.
This became my pattern and it is something I now fight daily.
(Meltdowns + Conformity = Self hate) is something I see in me as an adult!
The “NOT KNOWING” is what caused me to hurt myself.
NOT UNDERSTANDING why I felt so alone.
Unable to communicate how I felt or what was troubling me all became very twisted in my head.
I could either blame others or blame self. I was brought up to value others so I blamed self.
This is what I’m working through now age 42.
When I get overwhelmed by others and their opinions/emotions, I know I absorb them. When I am made to feel responsible and like I have hurt someone, it devastates me inside. I can’t switch my loops off so it goes round and round in my head. My sleep becomes very broken and I have negative self hate cycles in my sleep too. Eventually I shutdown, I become extremely exhausted and I can’t function. I have to isolate myself and just be me. I have to have my space, I have to hear myself, and I have to talk myself through with the still quite voice that says kind and loving things.
I keep records, images and music for these time, of EVERYTHING that is positive in my life. I have letters to me that tell me I’m loved, that I’m accepted, that I’m a wonderful Mom, wife, sister, friend.
I have to reprogram myself.
The slightest thing can tip me over and pour me out
Just like the song I sing with my little nephews.
I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my spout
When I get all steamed up
Hear me shout
“Tip me over
and pour me out!”
Once I’m tipped over and poured out, it can take me a while to hear that voice.
To find the energy to do what I have to do to find me again.
We all have things, situations, experiences and people in our lives that cause this reaction inside of us. It’s natural and can be helpful, but what if this is confused and misplaced. Some of us can push through and conquer fear and some of us run and hide or find ways to distract from even thinking about what scares us. What happens if you grow up not knowing you have Aspergers syndrome and everything you live causes fear, because the only way you seem to learn is by doing or observing. Making mistakes constantly and never really understanding what you did wrong.
Fear of rejection is something I struggle with.
Those who know and love me understand how I struggle with this. It can come on quite suddenly, and most of the time, I don’t have a clue why. Only when I become still and go to prayer am I able to reflect and sometimes find what has caused it. Also I find with prayer and meditation I am able to find the real me, not the reaction that fear can cause. My sister pointed out to me that when I’m not close to God, and the fear is talking, it can sound very angry or paranoid, she knows that this is not who I truly am.
So this got me thinking,
How do people with Aspergers cope without faith? I’m only pondering this thought, I know people do cope very well without a faith, but I didn’t.
I know when I lost my faith for four years I had to distract myself by doing a LOT of gardening. It was the loneliest time of my life. I found digging would calm my anger and frustration, but I never really felt calm. I was constantly having to keep busy and I just couldn’t sit still at all.
But I had always had a faith, then my trusting nature was abused by a false doctrine and I became angry with God. I didn’t see the real cause of my hurt, I misplaced my anger as well as my fear.
So I was wondering about Aspies who have never had a faith, how do you get past fear and loneliness without becoming hard towards others because I couldn’t do that. I had to isolate myself and that wasn’t very nice.
Friendships and Acquaintances
As an Aspie one of the hardest things to understand for me is friendships and acquaintances. I know myself I am extremely intense and I get so excited about chatting with people I tend to tell them way too much and not be able to recognise that I am boring the crap out of them.
Even though I have learnt to look for signs with body language and facial expression, when I am excited about chatting my brain is visualising, flashing pictures and forming words to try to explain. Plus I’m having to deal with happy feelings because someone is giving me attention, so I giggle a lot. I don’t spot everything and usually I can only focus on either talking or listening. I don’t always get when it’s time to speak or keep quiet, I find that quite hard especially in a group conversation.
(I tend to avoid groups if I can)
When I get chatty and excited I can then loop afterwards because I have said that much I can’t remember what I have said. So, I then worry I have said something wrong and the person I liked enough to want to chat to, will avoid me in future.
I have a way of helping myself with friendship using circles
I have to understand where a person is in relationship to myself. How much I should say and how much I can trust them, also the types of things I should talk about with certain people, or NOT talk about in my case….hehehe. I have been very VERY hurt by not being able to understand peoples motives behind friendship. I hadn’t realised that some people only use people for their own gain. I have misunderstood and given my heart to people in my past that have abused my trusting nature. I think this is what has caused the fear.
So what I have learned about myself recently
I am constantly looking for similarities to past experiences. I am expecting to get rejected because this has always been the pattern. After years of rejection at school and as a young adult, I then started looking for the signs to try to protect myself from the hurt I felt so deeply. Usually when I noticed a similarity I would then pull away from the person because I didn’t want to feel that hurt again. I love having friends and those friends I am close to I love so very much, the thought of losing them causes me a lot of hurt and fear that I have to work through.
I need to stop looking at past similarities,
I’ve already learned those lessons, I need to look to differences, all people are unique creations. We all make mistakes and we all have been hurt by others. I believe that it’s how we deal or don’t deal with that hurt that makes all the difference. We have the opportunity to grow or not, the choice is ours.
What comes to mind for me with this.
The Bible helps me to understand that God created me to be me. I have hidden who I am, out of fear, for way too long. I find it very hard living by the unwritten, unspoken rules of this world, they change so often and don’t seem very loving sometimes. I know that because I feel this way I find it even harder to fit in with the social mass. But I don’t think I want to really, I have tried to for so long and I find it so very draining. I love God and I find it so much easier to stick with Him, He takes away the confusion for me.
Jesus said,
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command.”
(John 15:12-14)
And He did, Jesus lay down His life for me and for you, for those crucified either side of him. That is what makes Jesus the best friend anyone can have. I am still learning to accept that I can have such a friend. Everyday that scripture blows my mind, that I can be Jesus’ friend. That He accepts me just as I am.
Also there is this scripture in 1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
As a child before the hurt of life and conformity.
I found it very easy to accept Jesus as my friend, to feel that I was allowed to be His friend too.
There was no complications or confusion, just a simple, innocent and accepting,
“I know you love me Jesus!”
Somewhere along the path of life…I don’t know where,
I stopped feeling like I was lovable. This fear stems from a form of self punishment. Maybe it’s because I always felt I did everything wrong. I don’t know, but I trust that now I am seeing this God will bring me answers.
I have wonderful friends and God wants me to have wonderful friends. The fear I go through is misplaced and I now realise that it can stay where it belongs, in the past with those who actually caused it.
I don’t need to accept punishment, I am a new creation.
I have always had a fascination for the idea of Time Travel,
My favourite film is…..
The Time Machine (2002) version. I love the old 1960 version too…It’s just that I TOTALLY love the music from the 2002 film, it takes me to a whole new place.
I have lost count of the number of times I have watched this film, it’s one of the places where I escape, for a short time, when I need to.
A very close friend of mine mentioned that her daughter was freaking out because their internet had gone down, this meant she couldn’t Skype her friends that she sees ALL day at school.
My friends children have just a bit of Aspie in them… 🙂 I love them all so very much and their journey helps me remember my childhood and figure out my own Aspie ways.
I haven’t got my Mom to ask anymore,
My Autistic Dad can’t really remember anything about me being a child apart from me being really hard work. So I’ve stopped asking him now because it was discouraging me. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me…and to be honest, it was my Mom that did everything anyway. My Dad was always at work, under a car or inventing/fixing things in one of the sheds.
What my friend said triggered off some tangent thoughts.
Monday morning going to school age 11.
Most weekends I hadn’t had any contact with my school friends.
I remember feeling really insecure EVERY Monday morning.
I spoke in THIS post of how flow activities take us away from all our anxieties, as Aspies we lose ourselves in our special interests, our special interests create flow. An hour can seem like 10 hrs while we are there, but it can also feel like 10 minutes when we are being torn away from completion. I can feel quite disorientated when coming from being lost in paint, making fractals or even a favourite film. It takes me a while to understand how much time has actually gone by.
I suddenly realised today why I get so insecure with friendships.
It’s the time lapse….when I was a kid, the weekends were full of the “NOT KNOWING”
Sometimes the friends I had were still my friends on Monday morning.
Other times they had been at sleepovers and parties that I wasn’t invited to.
I felt left out and didn’t understand that they were just chatting. I felt like they wanted me to hurt.
I thought it was all about fitting in and that I needed to be like them and they would like me.
Really it was just about learning who I was and understanding it’s ok to be me. Conforming to the popular hurt me inside, and it has taken 42 year for me to learn this. We can be who we are created to be, we just need to learn to accept who we are created to be.
As a pre-teen, I spent my weekends in my bedroom with my cat making clothes, drawing, listening to music, cleaning my fish tank, playing Atari and watching TV. My special interests took me to places where I didn’t have to feel anxious, alone, misunderstood…In fact, I didn’t have to feel.
But on Sunday evening I felt like I hadn’t seen my friends for weeks, and I never knew how they would treat me on Monday morning.
I still struggle with this “TIME” thing
I’m learning to step outside of my own perception and think in a realistic way.
I have to question myself with this.
“Ok Lisa, it feels like you haven’t spoken to anyone in weeks, but how long has it actually been?”
You know what…???
Without keeping my journal, I wouldn’t have a clue!
Like I said, I have always had a fascination for the idea of Time Travel.
I have said before it’s like my brain NEVER switches off. I very often will wake up in the middle of the night and have to write out ALL my thoughts or I will lie in bed with them circling and looping in my head. Before I know it the sun is coming up and I have been lost in my thoughts but not making any sense of them. So I write them out, I seem to process better when writing.
I have always loved collecting stones, my little *CAL collects them too, we get lost in searching for them. I picked this image and quote because it best describes my week this week.
A lovely bloggy friend DQ sent me a link to what is known as flow.
She is so very kind, she knew with my dyslexia I would find it hard to read and comprehend so she made me some videos, she read it out for me and explained parts of it to me. I am so very grateful for friends who help me out.
I know making fractals, painting, poetry and singing are flow activities for me, but I think writing is one of my main ways of switching down some of the loops and making sense of all the thoughts.
I TOTALLY lose myself in flow.
It’s like everything else disappears, I forget to eat sometimes…NOT GOOD!
I know this week I have had quite a lot going on in my head. I had a change of work environment which I found caused me sensory overload. Also I had quite a lot of emotional stuff which I won’t write about here. It’s a lot of personal history and rejection and I can really struggle with this. Making my fractals was my way of escaping all my thoughts and emotions…Yes all those many, many loops.
But what I have noticed is because I have been lost in the land of fractals I have actually lost confidence in expressing myself to those I am closest to. I had started to withdraw again.
I don’t always understand
I love communicating with my friends now that I have some… hehe 🙂
The computer and writing makes communication so much easier for me. It’s a flow activity but it doesn’t isolate me. I can just be myself with those I feel close to. My art is also a flow activity but it does isolates me, it pulls me deeper into myself and if I spend too long there I start to doubt myself and my relationships.
Am I thinking about, what I’m thinking about?
I need to be disciplined, I can’t use my art as an escape, it gives me the wrong understanding of problems I face. As an Aspie I do very well without people, relationships don’t come naturally it is something I have to learn. When I shutdown, I get on with life and push everyone away…and basically will not chose to be around anyone but my kids and dogs. I then start to feel that the whole world is against me and that I have to keep fighting to stay afloat.
As a Christian I NEED close relationships
I need to be close to others who believe in God. I can’t maintain a balanced and healthy view of life, this world, who I am without connection to the body. I have these close friendships now, and I thank God for them every day.
I think writing is a healthy balance for me.
My art is wonderful I love it and I will continue to enjoy and express through this activity, but I need to not use it as an escape. By escaping into my art I have felt trapped and insecure for over a week now, I even thought of going back to YoVille…LOL
So I’m going to keep writing, I opened myself an online journal today so I will write everything I experience and anything that can be shared, that is worth sharing, I will bring here or to my other blog…Listening through the Loops.
My bloggy friend also sent me this email,
I totally loved reading this with my coffee, so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing it here.
The Whale touches the Diver in more ways than one!
The Whale touches the Diver in more ways than one!…… If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.
Chameleon
Alienhippy's Blog 