Chameleon

alien cameleonChameleon
by Alienhippy
I write when I’m emotional, it seems to help at times
But lately I have not pushed through to find my words of rhyme
I let myself shrink back in fear and forgot I had a voice
That who I am is not worth less but I have to stand by choice
~
I hide when I am trying to please the masses not my needs
And fear and dread turn into pain, my soul and spirit bleeds
Invisible, when in a crowd, a Chameleon act of protection
But still the aching void speaks loud, destructive self rejection
~
Being confident that I’m enough no need for validation
Just be myself not hide my shine, this traps me in frustration
Be strong enough to walk away and hold my head up high
Better alone living in my truth than to live my life a lie
~
So now I stand and raise my voice in rhyming words of verse
As images of dancing angst replay, rebuild, rehearse
And as I push me past the zone of comfort one more time
I take deep breaths and know my heart is good yet on the line

“I believe, help my unbelief!”

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I received my online Bible devotional this morning and the title made me to cringe. I have been following this Christian devotional every week day, for some time, and I totally enjoy the messages shared. Thankfully I have been gaining insight from these devotionals long enough to know that this reaction was not something I should be having. I realised that it must be a trigger word that my past experiences have caused within me.

As an Aspie I can take things literally

Only with age, LOTS of thinking and listening through my loops, have I learned that things/people are not always the way they seem. My many loops are constantly questioning and planning…that’s on my good days. On my bad days they are accusing and taunting me with words and memories of those who have not loved or accepted me for who I am.

The title of the devotional is, “Becoming more fruitful.”

Not really something that should make a Christian cringe.

Let me explain my understanding of why this happened.

My first reaction was to close my email and not read it AT ALL.

My heart called out to God with the words,

“Please God I can’t cope with the pain of any more people,

I don’t want to become more fruitful.”

I can giggle about this now but this morning this was very real and all confused in my head. I wasn’t understanding God’s word for me but hearing the words of those in positions of authority from when I was in a religious sect.

I opened up the devotional and read the following

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

 1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

   5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

I then pondered on what the Bible says is the fruit of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-26

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Then I allowed the replay of my past

I allowed myself to relive this visual, and it really hurt. I relived the interpretation and this time I KNEW it was not the truth. It was just another person following a doctrine that had been given to her from another. I know I also passed this understanding on to those that I believed God had put in my care. This kind of religious belief causes so much confusion, especially to those who are hurting, vulnerable and seeking for truth. Those who want to see good and trust too easily.

When you grow up feeling totally alien and misunderstood

Not knowing why you can’t fit, and not understanding why life is so complicated and people hurt you so deeply all the time. Then someone offers you answers and they seem to know what they are talking about. It is so very easy to just follow.

In this sect I was very good at imitating those in leadership

I believed in my heart that this was my calling. My obsessive Aspie ways and my need to know, pushed me to seek out the best ways to fit, to be accepted in a group of “very happy people.”

Only when it was put on me that I was responsible for the so called “spiritual growth” of those put in my care did I start to retreat/shutdown and eventually meltdown. I suffered total burnout from the constant pretence and plastic smiles.

I am very open and honest by nature, so in this environment I got heavily challenged constantly and rebuked quite often. I have always been a person who wants to please others, so I obeyed and submitted to those I saw as my leaders, I believed they were chosen by God. Also a lot of submission scriptures were twisted to the gain of those who used them.

Being fruitful in this particular church

Meant…You were mature enough spiritually to look after/oversee large amounts of people. You had proven that you could go out and find people who you would convert to this belief. This also meant you were expected to give a daily account for anything you might be doing that doesn’t fit with this particular doctrine, interpretation of scripture. Also give account for those you had in your group.

So I can see a trigger word now…”fruitful”

I wonder how many more there are?

A vulnerable Aspie looking after vulnerable people and being told to push them, using scripture, to be more productive. Eventually when I did snap, when I did refuse to do what I was told to do. I was seen as struggling and weak, rebellious a fall away and my group was distributed to others.

I can see now that this was totally God

At the time though it broke my heart. I went straight to my Bible and really got stuck in.

After studying scripture for myself, not for others. When I was then told what to do I already had my own conviction. The damage was done though because much of the Bible had now got a slant and reading it after leaving this church was impossible. I spent 4 years not being able to read the one book that gives me comfort. It took a lot of prayer and my Mom’s faith, her unconditional love and acceptance to bring me through this and still I would not trust anyone who said they loved God.

In the sect that I was part of, following its teachings. The word fruitful was twisted and used to praise and raise up those who brought great numbers of people to church. We had cranked the streets and been very persuasive in our choice of words. I will say when I was doing this I did believe, whole heartedly, that I was doing God’s work. I totally felt that what I was doing was right and I was helping people. I know that there are some wonderful and very sincere people in these type of sects. However mankind has its tendency to put power where it should not be, and raise up the wrong ideas.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the fruit of the spirit.

They are born in us through acceptance of God’s love, mercy and grace. With these we can share His love and our love with those in our lives. Also we naturally share our faith and love with those who are seeking and listening for Him who brings light into the darkness.

It’s NOT about Bible bashing and street cranking for me.

I’m an Aspie, it never was! God created me this way and He knows me better than I know myself. He saw my heart when I pushed myself, WAY out of my comfort zone and into crowds of people. I trusted He would guide me and lead me and keep me safe…I was terrified, but I did what I thought I had to do.  I didn’t understand that God loves me unconditionally, because I felt worthless. I didn’t understand that I don’t have to please Him, just love Him back and accept His sacrifice.

My thoughts while praying today were,

The fruit when ripe drops from the tree and it is scattered; some fruit is carried away by animals and buried. It rots away and the seed deep inside germinates and grows roots. It remains hidden, resting, feeding. It is covered, sheltered while its roots dig down deep and then it starts to emerge, it grows. It blooms and blossoms and looks magnificent. Then when that tree is mature, healthy and ready it will bear fruit and nourish that fruit until the fruit is ready to be picked or to fall.

We all have dead branches, and pruning can be painful at times.

Sometimes it’s a case of finding those hidden branches, the things in our past that we don’t always see. Then allowing the healing through tears to water and feed the seed of truth and freedom.

I think this Bible devotional, that I nearly didn’t read, turned out to be pretty fruitful for me.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Aspies don’t have emotions…???

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Many of you will know how much I enjoy watching YouTube.

I find video so helpful,

I have learnt many things through watching tutorials and I am very grateful to many YouTubers for the help they give to others.

I also love finding other Aspies

Some of them tell their stories so well. Being dyslexic as well as having Aspie traits makes reading really hard going sometimes, so video is a way for me to learn and also feel part of, and not cut off.

The AnMish is a wonderful young woman who I find has experienced so much that I can relate to.

I watched this video of hers today and she said so much of what I have bottled up inside me.

I’m so glad that she knows this about herself at such a young age.

I just hope that my *CAL can learn to express as well by this age, what I still find hard.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

ASD’s and Empathy?

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I followed a link on fb today to this post,

The Data Myth,

which was on Autism and Empathy.

I became extremely overwhelmed when reading the following.

We need to be on guard against the Data Myth and the stereotypes it perpetuates. Children with autism may sometimes react differently, but that doesn’t mean they lack human emotions. We need to think about, write about, and treat children with autism with the understanding that they experience a full range of emotions but have trouble processing and communicating them. We need to understand that they are interested in people and want to interact, but that they have sensory or communication issues that make it difficult. We need to challenge the medical community to rise above these stereotypes. And we need to see our kids as already whole and complete children, not as faulty

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The post reminded me of some thoughts I wrote last year.

So I thought I’d share and update with more recent thoughts.

The Blue Peter Cambodia Appeal.

I was about 10 years old, the children’s TV show here in the UK “Blue Peter” had an appeal to raise money for children in Cambodia. They showed an awful amount of footage that made me feel very lucky to have food and a home. It also devastated me to see such under nourished children with flies circling their faces and them having no energy to flick them away. This footage I still remember to this day, and if I focus on it I still cry.

My Mom in her wisdom, decided to use my very visual imagination to get me to part with some of my many toys, that I was extremely attached to. She came into my bedroom with black bin bags and said something like this, “You have far too many toys in this room, everything needs to be sorted and tidied up. There are a lot of starving children in this world, you’ve seen it on Blue Peter. Get rid of some of these toys and I will take them to the charity shop and you will help to save a little child’s life.”

I gave away everything

I couldn’t bear the thought of these little kids having no food. The visuals from Blue Peter were far too much for me.

I only kept 2 toys, my Tiny Tears Doll and my Teddy Boo-Boo. I still have both of them.

Now I have a theory about this lack of empathy thing

It’s only from my understanding and what I have lived, I have read nothing on it…my dyslexia makes that difficult. Personal accounts from others is my best way of learning.

I know that over the years I have had to shut down to my feelings because they are so intense. I can get so overwhelmed by emotion that I can barely function. I know that when I love a person they become as important as myself. My children are more important and I would die for them.

Because I have visual reruns of things that either hurt me or confuse me, I end up rehearsing and chatting and analysing, this can be quite tiring. I will have so many conversations going around in my head. I have managed to stay in touch with my feelings, emotions and show empathy by being careful what I feed my brain with. Being careful not to overload myself. I know now what will replay in my constant thought loops and which things to avoid. I can also praise up the less noisy loops and help myself to do the things that are hard to do.

I think that the lack of empathy thing is just a shut down mechanism of self protection because emotion is so intense…it will overload the system and cause sensory difficulties and eventually complete shutdown. But this is just a whole load of Lisa Lingo from my babbling thought loops.

I just know that when I gave my toys away it was because I cared deeply for children I would never meet, and I was willing to go without my faithful friends so they would live. I don’t believe that I lack empathy and I don’t believe other Aspies do either. But this is just my understanding.

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Recently I was told by a professional

“I have taken you out of your comfort zone Lisa, but you will adapt!”

I was struggling to comprehend the changes to what I was doing, the environment I was placed in and the NEW people I was having to interact with. I tried my best to explain the overwhelm of sensory and emotions I was dealing with on top of everything else I am trying to process lately, that this person knows about.

Yes I was way out of my comfort zone and barely staying afloat.

All I wanted to do was run, hide and be in a safe place. My emotions were at full capacity, my sensory was switched on to the max and I felt that NO ONE was listening, NO ONE understood and most of all NO ONE cared.

I am no longer in that situation now, I know my limits and they were pushed too far. I also know that if I only had to cope with an environmental change with familiar people I would have been ok. Or if I had to cope with new people in a familiar environment and routine that also would have been ok. However this was new environment, new people and new routine all in one go.

I felt totally overwhelmed by this and was not really processing what was going on. I felt I was letting down those around me. I hate feeling like I let people down and this will not leave my head. I had no choice but to leave this situation and sort out the other things in my life that are causing me complications.

This quote is from The Data Myth post

Children with autism have empathy. They may behave differently. They may communicate differently. They may need more time to process the event and the emotions. They may even experience emotions too intensely.

Those high functioning on the spectrum

Don’t grow out of being Autistic, we just learn how to hide it REALLY well. We have to, because most people in this world don’t understand empathy and our ways are seen as different, odd, unacceptable and over-emotional.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Keep moving forward

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I wrote a post this morning about my drive around the country side yesterday. Writing helps me to process, it helps me to keep moving forward. I didn’t really go into detail about why I’m loopy, I’m still not going to give too much away. What I will share though is that when things get me down, I can always count on God to help me. He pulls me back out of my pit, and shows me He loves me.

I read this verse a few days ago

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 (NIV1984)

I love it when you read a Bible verse and you feel it inside, you’re not just reading it! You just know that God is going to bring about the promise.

My head has been looping since 24th July

The reason behind my loops I won’t be sharing but it made me REALLY want my Mom, or my Nan. They are both dead so I can’t chat with them or get comfort from the two people that knew me best. My Dad is very Autistic and cannot relate to me at all. I know he loves me but he has never been able to understand me.

I don’t share very often about my brother.

This is a post I wrote a while back which mentions him, nothing has changed. If you would like to read it feel free, I would appreciate prayers for him.

Onions have layers…Ogres have layers.

Here is a small extract from that post.

Now I’m going to mention…I also have a Brother

He is 18 months younger than me. He is also on the Spectrum but will never be allowed to accept it, as the life he is living (at the moment) is very controlled. For various reasons.

My Bro *BA was BIG TIME into body building for quite some time. He also had a Black belt 4th Dan in Karate. He loves photography and is extremely talented at it. He has won numerous competitions. He used to Sail and we had a small sailing boat that we would sail together. To relax he used to go fishing, where he would read his Bible and drink his own homebrew…lol….happy times.

He has many layers that only the closest of people can see, and only those who truly love him will ever accept. He is very obsessive with his interests and can be lost in them for far too long. He becomes a master of whatever he puts his mind to…I will also say he has written the most beautiful poetry in the past. One day I hope to see my real brother again not the one that is being controlled.

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God helps me to see Him in all things

I have written many posts about how God helps me through animals and nature. God reaches people where they are at, His love is unconditional.

Today, while snuggling on the sofa with my little *CAL watching Meet the Robinsons. The theme tune to the movie really spoke to me, it helped me to feel understood.

Also…the words “Keep moving forward!” spoke to me too.

Here is the theme tune if you want to have a listen.

This is where I see God and make connections.

I know a lot of people might not see this but to me this is part of how I believe.

While on the YouTube page listening to this tune I was praying for my brother and thinking about how much I miss who he is. I don’t really know this *BA, I know my little Aspie brother is in there somewhere, if only he could just be himself again.

Anyway, I started to scroll down the videos on the right and found a song totally out of context. It was a song I was singing yesterday while driving on my own, and while sat outside my brothers home praying for him. It’s a song that we would play as teens driving down the motorway in his old Black BMW when he first passed his test. This helped me so much, because I KNOW God knows the truth.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

For my little bro

 

I was feeling brave…Eeeek (Cybergirl’s words)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’m feeling kinda brave and decided to share an audio with you.

I don’t do this very often, and I cringe at my voice when I listen to it.

However I haven’t got anything else to share with you today. 😉

I wrote this poem over a year ago and it is one of my favourites.

I added the audio later and not many have heard it, sneaky sneaky Lisa…hehe

Also I think it’s good to read a year later and see how I have grown.

God is SO good!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Cybergirl’s Words!

by Alienhippy

I wish I had the words to express, the emotions that I feel.

The hurt inside my thoughts so wide, all consuming and so real.

I wish I knew what was really true, as I ponder every second.

With pictures, process, words and touch, these confused connections send.

What ifs and dids,  maybes and buts, video clips that drive me nuts.

And questions I just can’t keep in, obsessive demands of insecure nagging.

If you could visit inside my brain, you’d see the energy of me you drain.

Then you’d talk with me not gripe and smirk, you’d see how hard this makes me work.

So, please just open up your mouth, just let them words come dancing out.

I need to know what I need to do, or I get it all wrong and I can’t see through.

The muddled replays of confused devotion, wrapped up in a brain explosion.

Of imaginary or past signals, where I’ve conversed with many walls.

I beg you please just speak to me, help me see, or set me free.

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CYBERWOMAN

CYBERMAN

Meltdowns and conformity (I’m a little teapot)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I have been pondering on this for quite a few days. I haven’t known how to write it up. I will try my best to explain from my own personal experiences how being made to fit has damaged my understanding of self.

Can I just say this is a personal account and all Aspies are individuals. My life and the effect of being undiagnosed on the Spectrum may be very different from someone elses.

However I feel that me sharing this may also help someone to recognise these things within themselves. That is my purpose for blogging my thoughts.

Misunderstood Meltdowns and shutdowns.

I grew up not knowing that I have Autistic traits. My parents did their best and so did everyone who loved me. I was a very active/curious/hyper child and did extremely dangerous things sometimes.

My Mom was very loving and did everything she could to help me to understand. She would explain the best way she could. However my Dad, who is Autistic, could not communicate well at all and I felt very unloved by his ways most of the time.

When I was overloaded, because of my sensory difficulties, I would very often burst into tears and not understand why I was crying. Also when having meltdowns I was told I was naughty and a nuisance, why couldn’t I just behave myself.

I didn’t understand myself why I was acting the way I did. I still struggle with this now. I write so I can make sense of it all. As a child I couldn’t express in anyway, I am also dyslexic so writing didn’t come until I was quite a lot older.

What I did have as a child was art and dancing. These were my things and this was my way.

That was great till I started school.

I shared about my problem with expressing through art and stories when at school in this post.

Stories and Doodles

With dancing I also explained how being afraid and not understanding in dance classes became so hard for me to enjoy expressing through movement that I would shutdown, this then put me off dancing. This post is about that.

Tip toe through the Tulips, watch out for the wolves.

Without being able to explain through the talents I had I became stuck with not being able to express at all. Listening to music and other peoples lyrics became my only way. Poetry started to help me. But I didn’t start writing my own expressive or inspirational poetry until I was in my 20’s. Even then I hid it and never shared because by this time I believed that I did EVERYTHING wrong.

I didn’t want to be a nuisance, I didn’t want to be naughty. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling, from hurting, from “NOT KNOWING” so over time I became quiet. I stopped talking because I was so afraid of who I was and how people perceived me. I allowed others to make my choices for me. These were not always with my best interest at heart.

I stopped looking at people because I thought they could see I was naughty. I felt like they could read my mind and see I was pretending to understand. I felt stupid and too afraid to ask. I made my bedroom my comfort zone. I screamed at people for coming into my space. I didn’t know why so I felt bad about that too.

Conforming to the “norm”

By the time I was 11 I realised that within society my Mom was acceptable but my Dad was not. I knew I was like my Dad and this troubled me deeply. I did everything I could to imitate my Mom, I still wear the mask of my Mom when I have to. I learnt to conform and I learnt that people loved my Mom.

I can see that people like me when I act like my Mom but if I drop the mask and let the Lisa out I have a constant fear of who will reject or abandon me. This I have to work on daily.

What happened over the years was the loops asked the questions. OVER and OVER and OVER.

The loops did the accusing. OVER and OVER and OVER.

I couldn’t always tell what people actually meant, so I would keep replaying it in my head. I would have to analyse every detail of every conversation. If I spoke I had to be very certain of what I was saying.

I became a perfectionist and then very critical of self and others. I had to have everything done my way or I couldn’t cope. As a teen this kind of behaviour is seen as spoilt brat mentality. This also made me feel bad, wrong, selfish…this led to rebellion, mild self harming and suicidal thoughts.

This negative understanding of self within controlling relationships, then made me lose self and become all other.

A perfect imitation of the person I admired, respected or loved. I was so desperately wanting acceptance/approval. When rejection or abandoment happened I would be devastated. I lacked self worth so badly that I would feel dead inside when a person disappeared out of my life. I didn’t function without having that model to follow. I wouldn’t know how to. I would have to find self all over again, but I would be constantly condemning myself for another failure.

A perception of self hate/self rejection.

This became my pattern and it is something I now fight daily.

(Meltdowns + Conformity = Self hate) is something I see in me as an adult!

The “NOT KNOWING” is what caused me to hurt myself.

NOT UNDERSTANDING why I felt so alone.

Unable to communicate how I felt or what was troubling me all became very twisted in my head.

I could either blame others or blame self. I was brought up to value others so I blamed self.

This is what I’m working through now age 42.

When I get overwhelmed by others and their opinions/emotions, I know I absorb them. When I am made to feel responsible and like I have hurt someone, it devastates me inside. I can’t switch my loops off so it goes round and round in my head. My sleep becomes very broken and I have negative self hate cycles in my sleep too. Eventually I shutdown, I become extremely exhausted and I can’t function. I have to isolate myself and just be me. I have to have my space, I have to hear myself, and I have to talk myself through with the still quite voice that says kind and loving things.

I keep records, images and music for these time, of EVERYTHING that is positive in my life. I have letters to me that tell me I’m loved, that I’m accepted, that I’m a wonderful Mom, wife, sister, friend.

I have to reprogram myself.

The slightest thing can tip me over and pour me out

Just  like the song I sing with my little nephews.

I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my spout

When I get all steamed up
Hear me shout
“Tip me over
and pour me out!”

Once I’m tipped over and poured out, it can take me a while to hear that voice.

To find the energy to do what I have to do to find me again.

Thank God I can Be Still in His arms!