Am I thinking about, what I’m thinking about?

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Get the title…I know, I KNOW…believe me I know!

I think WAY too much.

I have said before it’s like my brain NEVER switches off. I very often will wake up in the middle of the night and have to write out ALL my thoughts or I will lie in bed with them circling and looping in my head. Before I know it the sun is coming up and I have been lost in my thoughts but not making any sense of them. So I write them out, I seem to process better when writing.

I have always loved collecting stones, my little *CAL collects them too, we get lost in searching for them. I picked this image and quote because it best describes my week this week.

A lovely bloggy friend DQ sent me a link to what is known as flow.

Here is the link… http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/teachingflow.htm

She is so very kind, she knew with my dyslexia I would find it hard to read and comprehend so she made me some videos, she read it out for me and explained parts of it to me. I am so very grateful for friends who help me out.

I know making fractals, painting, poetry and singing are flow activities for me, but I think writing is one of my main ways of switching down some of the loops and making sense of all the thoughts.

I TOTALLY lose myself in flow.

It’s like everything else disappears, I forget to eat sometimes…NOT GOOD!

I know this week I have had quite a lot going on in my head. I had a change of work environment which I found caused me sensory overload. Also I had quite a lot of emotional stuff which I won’t write about here. It’s a lot of personal history and rejection and I can really struggle with this. Making my fractals was my way of escaping all my thoughts and emotions…Yes all those many, many loops.

But what I have noticed is because I have been lost in the land of fractals I have actually lost confidence in expressing myself to those I am closest to. I had started to withdraw again.

I don’t always understand

I love communicating with my friends now that I have some… hehe 🙂

The computer and writing makes communication so much easier for me. It’s a flow activity but it doesn’t isolate me. I can just be myself with those I feel close to. My art is also a flow activity but it does isolates me, it pulls me deeper into myself and if I spend too long there I start to doubt myself and my relationships.

Am I thinking about, what I’m thinking about?

I need to be disciplined, I can’t use my art as an escape, it gives me the wrong understanding of problems I face. As an Aspie I do very well without people, relationships don’t come naturally it is something I have to learn. When I shutdown,  I get on with life and push everyone away…and basically will not chose to be around anyone but my kids and dogs. I then start to feel that the whole world is against me and that I have to keep fighting to stay afloat.

As a Christian I NEED close relationships

I need to be close to others who believe in God. I can’t maintain a balanced and healthy view of life, this world, who I am without connection to the body. I have these close friendships now, and I thank God for them every day.

I think writing is a healthy balance for me.

My art is wonderful I love it and I will continue to enjoy and express through this activity, but I need to not use it as an escape. By escaping into my art I have felt trapped and insecure for over a week now, I even thought of going back to YoVille…LOL

So I’m going to keep writing, I opened myself an online journal today so I will write everything I experience and anything that can be shared, that is worth sharing, I will bring here or to my other blog…Listening through the Loops.

My bloggy friend also sent me this email,

I totally loved reading this with my coffee, so I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing it here.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

***********************************************************************************

The Whale touches the Diver in more ways than one!

The Whale touches the Diver in more ways than one!…… If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

*****************************************************************************

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20 thoughts on “Am I thinking about, what I’m thinking about?

  1. Hi Lisa,

    I know I’m repeating myself but this is another post that could have been written from inside my head! 🙂

    I sure do know about the brain that never switches off!
    And I have collected rocks.
    And I remember being in “flow,” and forgetting to eat, when I used to do paintings.
    And when I shutdown, I shut out others too, and lose confidence in expressing myself.

    For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling rather down and seemed unable to write any posts and only very limited comments, but I seem to be coming out of it a bit. I miss communicating with my blogging friends, but I just couldn’t seem to find the energy or the courage.

    Sorry to hear you have been having a rough time lately, but I’m happy you seem on the mend! 🙂

    I am glad you will keep on writing. I love your posts!

    I got all choked up reading about the whale, it’s as lovely story. I have a special place in my heart for whales. And that’s a lovely blessing DQ put at the end of her email.

    Thanks for blogging. I always come away from your blog feeling lighter and happier!

    Love and hugs and blessings,
    Bruce 🙂

    • Thank you for your lovely comment Bruce,
      We are very alike aren’t we, it’s so good to know that we are not alone.
      Love and hugs to you my dear friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  2. Blessings…..

    We all have something for none of us are perfect. I would say that the only perfection is imperfection. You are enough as you are, just embrace it.

    Great story about the whale.

  3. Hi Lisa!

    Oh, boy! I know what you mean. In the past was able to escape like that and feel fine in my isolation. Then I would panic and feel like everyone hated me. Since being married to David and having kids, I have lost much of my “escape” time though. I am at the other end of the spectrum right now, we are coming up with a plan to help me get my alone time so I am not so overwhelmed.

    It is all about balance either way. I love the flow concept and you know I am all about the flow!!~~~~~~~~~~~~That’s my flow. Hee hee

    But now that I am discovering my balance also, I am looking forward to see what else flows out of me. Watch out Brain, I may definitely be ready to take over the world!! Narf!

    It is so funny that I waited to read this until after I put up my post though. It is talking about similar issues. I wonder do you shutdown to be a the power source for your family? Trying to take care of everyone else’s emotional needs? I have just discovered that is what I do and we are working on trying to stop that pattern.

    Anyway great post!!

    Love you bunches and bunches!!
    Angel

    • 🙂 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flow
      Are we ready then Pinky?
      I think tonight is the night.
      I noticed the cat was licking the Lego, Did we spill the gravy.
      Tonight bring Iggy and Cheeks and meet me at the light house, I am pondering on a new plan.
      Don’t forget the bag of marbles, I know my brain is in there somewhere………NARF!!!
      I Love you bunches and bunches too!!
      Lisa. xxx 🙂

    • Hi Chloe my friend, It is a lovely story!
      How are you? I’ve been thinking of you.
      The weather is not great for picnics is it Chloe? ugh
      Where is our British summer, it just doesn’t seem to stop raining at the moment.
      I got home too late to save my washing today, just typical innit?
      Love you loads.
      Lisa. xxx 🙂

  4. Lisa,
    Thank you for sharing this story. Humpback whales hold a place in my heart and they are one of the best things about being in Hawaii to me. I hope you are never entangled the way she was and that you are always surrounded by those who love you. You already know how I feel about gratitude.

    • Hello Sue,
      Thank you for your comment, you know Sue when I was pregnant with *CAL I used to listen to a CD of the voices of Humpback whales. It was so calming and she seemed to love it.
      How are you Sue? I hope you are resting and getting well.
      Thinking of you and keeping you in prayer.
      Love and hugs to you my friend.
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  5. Pingback: It’s about “TIME!!” « Alienhippy's Blog

  6. The stones thing is something I totally understand. Have collected stones and shells for many years. I can relate to flow activities. You are very good with your writing and as long as you enjoy doing what you are doing and you are extremely good at it then, to coin a phrase “Go with the flow” The video of the whale is so amazing. I have watched this more than once. Love you xxxx

  7. Flow activities are SO important!
    It’s funny because as you know DQ stayed here a couple of weeks ago and she was talking to me about these as well.
    it’s SO interesting and just what I need too!
    She’s a sweetheart for sending you those videos 🙂

    • Hello my lovely Fi,
      Yep DQ is a sweetheart sending those videos, it helped me so much having someone explain what the books make so complicated for me. I guess that’s why I love YouTube SO much Fi. 🙂
      We all need flow activities, it’s our ME time, where we can find ourselves.
      I know now though that as an Aspie I can lose track of time and then get insecure about who I am and my place in space….hehehe.
      I love you so much.
      Lees. xxxx

  8. Not remembering to eat, lost in thought, night turning to day, isolating yourself, wow, we have plenty in common!! Ive worked to be around other people more. I am sure you know the saying “I have people who think they’re my friend” or “I have plenty of friends, I just don’t like any of them.” so aspie, so me.

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