Start all over again.

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It has been a long time since I last posted, over a year has gone by since I last opened a new document with the intent of writing for this space that I once considered to be “a place where I can be me!”

I don’t know why so much time went by without me blogging. I thought that I might have just lost interest in expressing myself. But if I’m totally honest that’s not possible. I believe I allowed fear to creep in and there were also times I just didn’t want to share anymore. I didn’t want to find the time to do something I once loved because I felt afraid to even try. But in saying that… my blog has been in my thoughts and on my heart each and every day but the confidence to write and truly be me again had dwindled. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about writing, but then I let it slip away. I didn’t push through, I found excuses and I found other things to do instead. Days rolled into weeks, months, a year it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from blogging, and the whole blogging scene, that I didn’t know where to start.

I still don’t actually know where to start but I know that when I write – I feel connected and grounded, and when I feel this I am able to release, and through releasing I don’t feel alone in my journey and I don’t have a head full of looping thoughts. Writing helps me to be accountable for my plans and dreams, to make happen the creativity I hold inside.

So I’m starting again. I don’t know where Alienhippy is heading, I don’t know what direction to write in anymore. But that’s kind of exciting. One thing I do know is I’m going to just stick to what I know best…and what I know best is how to just keep being me.

So let’s go back to how I started this blog and why I started this blog.

Alienhippy’s Blog, “a place where I can be me!”

If you would like to catch up on our last 12 months of home education, family fun, our day trips and a whole heap of creativity you are welcome to come follow me on instagram.

Today in our home education journey we sat on a hillside and *CAL sketched the landscape while I crocheted and attempted to write a poem. My poetry will come back, I have faith in that.
Love and hugs. Lisa. x

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My inspiration this week is to be still and let God dig out my weeds of insecurity, doubt and distraction. Knowing He will plant and nurture gifts of insight, inspiration and discernment.

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I’m not giving up (To This Day)

I’m not really feeling much like writing lately, but I haven’t forgotten about my blogs. I have a few ideas of what I want to write about but to be honest, every time I sit down at my pc to write I feel like I can’t be bothered. I am writing constantly for myself and sharing with my closest friends and family all that I am able to express. I haven’t gone into isolation, I just feel I am growing in a new direction.

Autism is not all that I am

Aspergers does not define me. I am me and not ready to give up being me. I have just gotten to a point where the online autism community is showing a side to it that I do not like. I miss the early days when I first started blogging. Blogging was fresh and people were loving, I love finding new bloggers who have that excitement about them, but I really struggle when I come across a blog that is so obviously putting down others. We are all on this complex journey, we all have a story to tell. Some of us are Autie/Aspie self advocates and some of us are advocating for someone we love who is on the spectrum. Then there are those (like myself) who do both. It’s hard to be in the middle of two camps and not know where to pitch my tent. If writing helps a person to not feel alone then why do some people feel a need to be so vile.

When I first started blogging there was less competing, bickering and nastiness. We were just about sharing and connecting, not being constantly right at the expense of another. I have watched wonderful writers come and go, friends I have made through writing that have now disappeared. Gone back to a safe place where they won’t keep getting hurt, the bullying is so subtle but it is there. What happened to, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I’m reminding of school again

That’s right, this online world of my blog, the very place where I should feel I can be me. Somewhere I used to be able to express my life, my history and experiences as an adult with Aspergers. It has now become yet another playground of fear. But like I said, I’m not about to give up I’m going to keep praying and finding a way for me to keep sharing.

Love and hugs all. xxx

A lovely friend of mine shared this video on her facebook

I thought that this poem speaks louder than any words I can find.

Who else is going to share?

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Has anyone noticed that I’m not really blogging much these days? I want to, I really do, but every time I open up a fresh document to start typing I feel a bit lost. I don’t know why this has happened, it just has. I have been feeling like this for a few months, I have been finding inspiration in my old posts. I’ve reposted old posts and added a few new poems but nothing I feel I will look back on and say, “Oh yes that was a turning point for me!”

Writing helps me

I will keep pushing through knowing that this will soon pass. I have been having no problems at all with writing in my prayer journal and reflective journal. Also I have shared many deep thoughts and inspirations privately with my closest friends. Its just blogging I’m struggling with. I seem to have lost the effort.

I thought maybe it was because I felt hurt

I have been struggling to comment on blogs because of fear. I have been blogging three year this year and other bloggers have not always been kind. Some have taken me wrong; they don’t know me or see my heart. I stopped commenting a while back and only comment on my friends blogs where I feel safe. Where I know they will protect me if I get taken wrongly or if I get bullied or verbally attacked.

I thought maybe it was time to call it a day and make my blog private. I even thought at one point of deactivating my blog; thank goodness I didn’t as all 653 posts I have shared would now no longer exist.

My not knowing loop is a big black hole

A few days ago my lovely friend Fi, from Wonderfully Wired, wrote a post called The Spinning Question Mark. In this post was a beautiful conversation that she had with one of her little boys. Both of her sons are on the spectrum and reading about them helps me to remember. They are so very like me in their aspieness, especially *Harley!

In THIS post *Harley speaks to his Mum about seeing in pictures. To me this is my normal; it was only three years ago that I realised that my way of thinking is different. He talks about his spinning question mark when he doesn’t understand something.

Here is small piece from Fi’s post but please go and read it, it’s one not to miss.

So I thought I’d take it further.

“Harley, what do you see if I say the word ‘Volkswagen’? Do you see that same car again?”

“No”. He said. “I see an empty box with a big question mark over it spinning around and around because I don’t know what a Volkswagen is”.

Wow. I knew I was onto something so I dug deeper and asked him: “Do you see a spinning question mark a lot?”

He nodded. “Yes, every time someone says a word that I’ve never heard before. It is what I see when I don’t understand what the other person is talking about. I hate it when I see that question mark. I feel stupid and that’s why I sometimes get angry”

Comments I left for my lovely friend Fi

My spinning question mark is a hole, a black hole like in space. And yep, when people all talk fast or over each other the pictures make no sense. Talking with one person at a time is so much easier. When in a group of people I can’t really listen and will zone out, daydream on a tangent thought triggered by an image.

I just thought everyone thought like this. It makes so much sense now I know they don’t. No wonder other women can chat like they do. It really fuzzes my head being in a group of women all talking at the same time, way too many pictures bumping into one another…hehe

I cope by either being the quiet onlooker, the one that looks shy and listens. You know me better than anyone Fi; you know I am not shy or quiet. Or, I can cope by being the loud one that doesn’t listen at all, the one with loads of ideas who is a bit bossy. This depends on my confidence level and who the people are.

The pictures are so strong they can stop me from eating. I tried to explain this to Mr Locoman the other day. I cooked a soup and couldn’t enjoy it without my soup spoon. It just didn’t seem to taste at all. I told him that all I could think of is my soup spoon because I am at home and when I am at home eating soup I need to eat it with my soup spoon. I did try a different spoon but the size was wrong and all I kept seeing was my spoon with the pretty engraved roses on it. As a kid I would have refused to eat. As an adult I try to fix things, I try to fix me. So many of my past experiences can be explained by understanding myself and how I tick. Understanding why I am different and why people have treated me the way they have.

I have hope that things will change

I believe that it is when NT parents and adult aspies combine their journeys that we will bring true awareness of Autism. I only know my spectrummy ways but having a friend like Fi (who is NT) helps me to understand the way others think. Also me helping her to see it through my aspie eyes has helped her to understand her boys, she told me so and that has got to be helpful…right?

So, why do I keep sharing?

I share because:

  • I have a head full of thoughts that might just help someone.
  • I have a life time of history on the spectrum.
  • I love all people even when they show very little love in return.
  • I hate the thought of any child going through school unnoticed.
  • I hate the thought of any child sitting thinking of space because of all the black holes in a day. Then being told they are stupid, ignorant, thick or a nuisance.
  • I hurt inside knowing that there are kids whose parents want them fixed.
  • I believe that maybe my life has a purpose and me sharing is a good thing.
  • I know that through fighting my fears I grow and I want to grow and learn.
  • I want people to understand that Autism doesn’t mean lacking empathy.
  • I have traits that are unnoticeable but every day I struggle, writing it out helps me.
  • In writing I have found connections, I no longer feel alone.
  • I have a need to communicate; most people are not interested in what I have to say.
  • I can’t always talk; sometimes I go for days without talking at all even though I want to. I share to release a build up of stored away expression.
  • I need an outlet and writing is very freeing for me.
  • Also…One day I won’t be around to tell my kids about this journey.

I share because it’s the right thing to do even when the fear of being me to the world keeps me awake at night. Even when I know there is a possibility of waking up and finding comments on my blog that are full of hate and manipulation. Even when I know that something I share might not be what someone close to me wants to read.

This is my journey and I will jolly well write about it.

I’m sick of hiding behind a mask, I’m sick of walking on egg shells. I will keep writing and I will probably get it wrong a few more times yet but I will not be sitting in a corner with my coat pulled over my head. That was me at school. I am not a child anymore, I have found my words and I will use my words. People need to know and little aspies can’t speak it out for themselves. I remember and I can write about it, it’s up to others if they want to read. Who else is going to help? Textbooks given to teachers and a few lectures is NOT enough in my opinion. I have lived it and my life is not worthless, it is worth sharing.

Who else is going to share?

perfectlove

Giving you the heads up

Unfinished (acrylic on canvas)

I have given my blog a make-over. New background and new headers. The headers show at random and change each time you click (it’s fun)

I have used all kinds of images. Some are of my art and fractals. Others are walks I have been on. There are a few cropped photos of my favourite places. Places where I sit with a coffee, write, reflect and be still. Also there are a few of my favourite things and special interests. Some memory photos that help me feel connected to the special people in my life. Of course there are also fun photos with my kids, pets and my collections too.

Alienhippy’s Blog…REALLY is a place where I can be me!

YAY!!!!   (insert happy-dancing here)   🙂 )))

I was going to write a post explaining why I have done this and YES it does involve a meltdown and a shutdown. Also a panic attack that was so out of proportion but lasted in total around 3 hours. Yes I was looping over stuff BIG time.

Today I am peaceful in my mind and heart

I feel still in my being and confident in who I am. So I  have no urgency to pour out poetry, prose or my emotional guts. I don’t need to analyse myself, I am just acceptant that these things happen and I will keep learning as I go. Also my mind is a little airy-fairy and not in it’s clever place today, even with numerous coffees, it’s wanting to be calm. So I really can’t be bothered to write about it all just yet, I’m going to enjoy not thinking for a change. I’ll maybe do it tomorrow if I remember. giggle. Or if my brain is that way inclined, we’ll have to wait and see, I never know from one day to the next, unless I just stay in my bubble then I know I’ll be ok. 😉 😉

Today is about my visuals not my Wonderfully Wired weirdness.

(Just so you know I am fine with my weirdness it’s not one of my triggers)

But the important thing is that through all my loops and misunderstanding God helped me to see. Do you know what I see? I love blogging, I NEED to write. I love my visual mind and all my many, many, many loops. Writing helps me to process all that goes on inside of me, not just my brain but my body too. Writing and sharing helps me to filter out the negativity and stop it from controlling my moods and behaviour. Seeing me in print and hearing from others that I am not the only one is such a blessing. I am 43 years old and only now seeing that I am not alone.

I will write……..

I will write when and how I choose to write. I will write WHAT I need to write in a way that helps me. I love that I can share who I am now, I love that so many of you communicate with me via comments, Facebook, Twitter, email and Skype. It’s so good to have friends.

My blog is my blog, “A place where I can be me!”

With all my new headers it even seems to reflect a little of how quickly my visual brain will change. Click something new, click another idea, click oh that’s so pretty, click I’ll go for a walk now, click where is my cat, click where are my other cats, click I need to clean, click I need to paint, click I need some music, click I need to be still.

I feel it REALLY does reflect a little bit more of who I am.

I like me, I love how God created me to be.

I love my new blog look too!

Love and hugs all beautiful friends out there in bloggyland.

Hey…see my stone collection? Isn’t it cool and aren’t they just so shiny!

Here is an image to click on if you only have a small screen.

It’s my NEW background photo. 🙂Thank you for coming along on this adventure with me and being the nice, kind, loving souls you are. I’m sorry I can’t always answer your comments but I do read every single one of them. They mean the world to me and they help me so very much.

Smiling at you. Lisa. xx 🙂

Here are my headers, cropped and collected for now. I will be adding more as time goes by. I am learning and growing all the time. My blog will be a reflection of this.

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This song has no relevance to this post what so ever. I’m putting it here because my *CAL has this on repeat quite loudly EVERYTIME we go for a drive.

I really enjoy trying to sing and rock out to this with my precious daughter. Eventhough we have no clue what the song is actually about.

Enjoy or don’t, we like it anyway. After all we are all unique in who we are.

Autism Awareness or up on a soap box

Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.
–Neil Simon
The road to ME

A note to self

Spending time with me today. Got my Bible, prayer journal, reflective reviews and I’m just scanning and updating my netbook before I go out. I need to write! Blogging helps me process. I’m sick of the fear that one opinionated person has placed on my writing. Looks like I need to write until I rhyme. Loops are so hard to change, negative people really mess me up.

I drove to a familiar place, a place where I have written many a post, but when I got there I couldn’t face the people. I couldn’t cope with sitting and having yet another coffee alone. Watching women my age chat and laugh with their friends. I sat in my car and cried, then I drove home to pray for a friend who I knew needed me to pray for her.

When I first started blogging

I was very lucky to find a wonderful group of people, all new bloggers and we all became friends. We loved and supported one another in our online Autism community. This was not just a group of Aspies, it was a mix of all kinds of people from all walks of life. I am still friends we some of them but as time has past a few of my blogging friends have moved on. Some of my friends stopped blogging altogether. I still miss them and think of them a lot. I’m Aspie, I find change really hard to adjust too but I get there in the end.

I ventured out when my inbox went quiet

Friendship has been my biggest challenge all my life. Finding these new friends who knew what life is like in the spectrum was a ray of hope for me. As an Aspie, Mom of Aspies and the daughter of an Autistic Father. But when friends go quiet I kind of freak out, I always had a few close friends to help me see past my fears. Recently I haven’t wanted to blog, I haven’t wanted to post and I haven’t wanted to read. There is one sentence that keeps going round and round and I can’t get out of my head.

There are some lovely people who write from the heart what it is like to live in and on the spectrum. Beautiful lovely people who love and accept others for who they are and where they are at. But there are also some people who I feel use the Autism community to fuel there own personal hates. These people like to debate issues and push their opinions regardless of how much they hurt others. I find it so hard to keep sharing who I am in an open and honest way when I know that there are people who mock and cringe at those of us who are sharing our lives.

I am struggling to do something that I love

I know that I should have faith and I know that I should just keep being me but at the moment I hurt too much to be bothered. I share what I live in the hope that I can help. I was happy to do this. I was happy to pour me out and expose who I am and how Autism has been for me in my life. I feel stuck and I don’t know how to move forward.

I read this today on fb

Autism Spectrum Disorder, through my eyes.

Most of us will probably never notice the beauty in the patterns on a cracked sidewalk, or the gorgeous way the sun reflects off an oil slick after the rain. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to immerse yourself in a subject and learn everything about it, and the beauty of having all those facts lined up. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to flap their hands in happiness, or lose yourself in the feel of a cat’s fur. There are lovely things about being autistic, too, just as there must be about being neurotypical. Oh, make no bones about it: It’s difficult. The world’s not set up to operate with autistic people in mind; and autistic people and their families face prejudice every day. But being a happy autistic person isn’t “being brave” or “making the best of it”. It’s quite simply being happy. You don’t have to be ‘normal’ to be happy. ♥

I was thinking today about all the different kinds of magazines there are at the news agents, books in a book store and programs on the TV. I was pondering on the fact that we all have our own taste in what we like to read and how we comprehend in different ways.

I can’t describe my traits using words from a medical book, why? Because I can’t remember the words, I make up my own words and that helps me. There are others like me and how I share helps those who are like me.

  • Why can’t there be more than one way to share what autism is?
  • Why does there have to be divisions when we should be united?
  • Why does it have to be us and them?
  • Why can’t Autism Awareness mean bringing awareness to Autism?
  • Why does there have to be conflict when we all want the same thing?
  • Why?

Autism Awareness

If you have met one person with Autism you have met one person with Autism.

I am not my Dad.

My son and daughter are not me.

We are all unique and all present differently,

I believe that bloggyland is big enough for everyone.

I think bringing awareness to the difficulties and prejudice that all those affected by autism face is what is important not how we say things.

I love to write, I struggle to express who I am in words to faces. Writing is what helps me. Does anyone else want to have a pop at me?

How about writing it in my comments where others can read it.

As always it is the Bible that helps me to keep being me.

This scripture helped me to post today.

Philippians 1:15-18 (NIV)

It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defence of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice!

Also….God’s perfect timing.

A poem from my lovely bloggy friend Richard……“Just Be Yourself”

Oldies are the besties

I have been having difficulty writing posts after reading some not very nice comments about bloggers and their writing styles. At the time I thought I was ok, but it has been looping in my head for nearly two weeks now and I can’t seem to be able to shift it. Some people can be so hurtful with their opinions. Writing is something I used to find release in, a way of me processing and feeling I would connect with those like me, those with similar struggles. Over the last few days I have found myself struggling to even share on my facebook.

I helped myself today by re-reading a few oldies

I need to go back to “Just Being Me!”

My blog is, “A place where I can be me!”

Trying to remember…

I am Aspie-happy.

I’m a multi coloured rainbow.

I turn negativity upside-down.

It’s not just about

“Me and my loops”

Or my supermarket Shutdowns/Meltdowns

It’s about Coping…finding new ways forward

Discovering those Lightening jumps and connections

Having those moments of recognition and true friendship

Yes, I’m the queen of the loops, but I “Listen through the Loops”

There maybe a LOT of “Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego”

Change is good when God prompts it

So, Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

Yes, this post is full of links and each one of them is a post about me struggling, persevering and overcoming. It’s about how I live and find ways to not be affected by a world that pushes for conformity. Where society makes me feel so different. My acceptance of being different but not less, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet but making it work for me the best I can. Learning to rise above the storm and say, “Bog off frantic thought loop!”

The following post is an oldie that made me giggle today,

It’s one I had totally forgotten about but it helped me to find me again. I tend not to take myself too seriously, and I like to see people smile. So here have a giggle on me. I’m processing as I write and I think I’m on my way back.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Just a babble and a giggle! (Embarrassing moments)

image found on Google

~

Hello friends out in bloggyland,

~

I just got back from dropping my *AJ off at his girlfriends.

I do love our little chats in the car we have such a giggle.

~

*AJ talked about a misplaced face.

The Aspies in my family do this all the time, we know faces from places.

Put them in a different place and we haven’t got a clue who they are.

Quite a few years back

Before I’d ever heard the word Aspergers, I bumped into a neighbour in a petrol station and she chatted with me for quite some time before she asked me if I was ok. I was completely confused to who she was and how she knew me. I was in my early 20’s and wasn’t as good at smiling and nodding as I am now.

It’s funny because I saw this neighbour at a social gathering I was dreading going to and she remembered this incident and I was able to explain to her. Only 20 years later…hehehe

Well me and *AJ then went onto EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

So as I LOVE to babble and I don’t really worry too much what I babble about, I thought I’d share probably the worst and MOST embarrassing moment of my adult years…In other words the most recent one.

If you follow my blog

You will remember a post I wrote about collecting and the emotions of parting with things of sentimental value.

You will remember the hurt I went through when the extension was built on my home and I had to part with the unopened boxes.

Those boxes full of memories.

As an Aspie I connect strongly to my emotions, thoughts and feelings when I touch things.

It triggers off the replays in my head and I can almost feel back in the time I would like to be in.

I LOVE being a Mom, it’s something I dreamed of

So parting with certain baby items was extremely hard for me, well the building work meant I had to clear out the loft space.

So here we go, my most recent embarrassing moment.

I never learn where speaking is concerned, I constantly get things wrong.

On my less confident days I don’t speak a word, but I think LOADS and LOADS.

On my confident days…..well, I tend to say what I think, I get myself into terrible pickles with this.

On this particular day I had revved myself up to doing something I REALLY didn’t want to do.

I was taking *CAL’s travel cot to the charity shop.

I had loads of bags and boxes of things that I was fine about taking.

The travel cot however, was NOT one of them.

I stood it up the side of the car while I put everything else in, and then when I looked up a young couple was walking towards me holding hands.

I thought perfect I can help them out, this travel cot has hardly been used.

I got so excited, I so love helping people,

I thought to myself…God has REALLY helped me here.

“Excuse me love, say no if you don’t want it…but it’s hardly been used,

would you like this travel cot?”

She said…“WHAT?!” and screwed her face up at me.

So me being the plonker I am… repeated myself,

“It’s hardly been used, would you like it…I’m just about to take it to the charity shop?”

Then she says…“Why would you think I want a travel cot?”

Yes I actually DID say this…

“Well, because you’re having a baby aren’t you? You look about 6 months pregnant!”

I’m laughing my head off now writing this, but at the time I thought she was going to kill me.

So there you have it, my most recent embarrassing moment.

Also I learnt a very valuable lesson.

…….Assumption is the mother of all cock ups Lisa!

I like lists, I learn from lists

At the beginning of July I set myself a goal to post on Alienhippy every day of the month.

Today is the last day of July and I have spent the last hour or so having a look back at what I have posted.

I have pondered and prayed and can now see what I can learn from all this.

I learn analytically, it’s part of my ASD

Some have told me I tear myself apart. I say you can’t build on shaky foundations and I want to grown not keep falling down. Some have told me I am too intense and they think I think too much. I say it’s how I am created, it’s how my mind works and God sees me as Wonderfully Wired. Some have told me I am too open, too honest and that makes me vulnerable. I say it’s who I am I can’t be any other way I believe there are others who can learn from what I live…God has got it!

Here are a few lists, this is one of my ways to process

My lists help me find reasons, these show me why I posted those particular things on those particular days. I have reflected back and can now see a new way forward.

My posts through July

Each of these is a link, you don’t have to follow them they are here for my own learning. You can just scroll down to the next part.

  1.  July, the month to be real
  2.  I’m quiet today
  3.  A new loop, I love my normal
  4.  Wordless Wednesday (ROCK)
  5.  PAR…listen to the heart
  6.  Our day with photos.
  7.  Moment of expression
  8.  Pondering
  9.  Whatever is lovely, loopy.
  10.  ASD on the Bus (Silly poem)
  11.  Is that Sonic? Wordless Wednesday
  12.  The Burgundy Rug
  13.  My heart just needs to call
  14.  Gratitude
  15.  Sitting under my tree (Silent Sunday)
  16.  The Still Small Voice
  17.  Painted in oil
  18.  Busy Being *CAL
  19.  Let it be……
  20.  Emotions let loose
  21.  A look back at my way forward
  22.  Almost Silent Sunday
  23.  Mirror Tree Speaks
  24.  What am I listening to?
  25.  Dancing with flames
  26.  Busy having fun
  27.  Love Light, Shine Bright
  28.  Don’t follow the crowd
  29.  Escape from my spiral
  30. Photo gallery of our day

On these 10 days I was shutdown

Days…2, 4, 6, 8, 11, 15, 16, 17, 22, 24

My shutdowns were brought on by

  1. Publishing a goal and instantly feeling I would fail
  2. Shame and guilt from having a meltdown in a public place
  3. Feeling over challenged by a person’s words
  4. Being overloaded after too much social activity
  5. Feeling alone and missing those I love and can’t be with
  6. Self punishment, seeing myself as unworthy, a spiralling loop
  7. More guilt this time putting myself down feeling a nuisance to all
  8. Feeling exposed and misunderstood after sharing my heart

There are only 8 because one of my shutdowns lasted 3 days.

What have I learned?

  1. Keeping my body active being out in nature slows down my thinking
  2. Writing poetry, prose also painting are ways to focus and release my thoughts
  3. Photography is another way to focus and almost stops my thinking
  4. Prayer, singing, studying all focus my energy in a positive way
  5. I need to spend time with people to keep me outwardly focused
  6. I need time alone to process my thoughts
  7. Too much time being social and no time to process causes big problems
  8. I can achieve goals I set for myself I just need accountability
  9. I like who I am, I like that I am quirky, I’m different but definitely not less
  10. I neglect my other two blogs and need to update them more regularly
  11. I am not just a Mom, wife, sister, friend, blogger, poet, artist, woman of faith
  12. I am me, I am growing, I am learning, I am changing and that is just perfect

A parable that helps me, I love this video it’s so cool

Luke 6:46-49

The Wise and Foolish Builders

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”