“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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Life is peculiar, what a weird day!

I’m Aspie, I think in pictures. I know…I have a very vivid imagination.
Also…there is less traffic here and no water…hehe 🙂

I think I just had the weirdest day ever, so I decided I just have to blog it. We are all safe and home now so no-one needs to worry. I’m seeing the funny side of it and thanking God.

Monday mornings are usually all about the shutdown in the Alienhippy household. No different this Monday morning, we get through each one as they occur or with a trip to SEN. One child safe at school and the other needing my help to get to the library and to a job interview.

Did I mention I am not well, oh no I forget about that bit…hehe..cough, cough.

Nothing weird about the day so far, but keep reading.

First we get stuck in a flood, this is on what is usually a very busy main road. It has been raining nonstop here and the water seems to be coming up from the ground as well as down from the sky. Not quite ready to start building my Ark yet but if this weather keeps up, I have plans ready and stored in the back of my mind…believe me I HAVE thought of it. 🙂

I had to drive my car like a maniac to stop us getting flooded over. It’s only a little car and this flood was pouring down the hill getting deeper by the second. Some of the cars in front where already 3 ft under water so I thought sod this for a game of soldiers I’m out of here. I drove onto and mounted the central reservation, did a complete turnaround going the opposite way to which the water was heading on a dual carriageway. (It wasn’t busy, you see the water had already stopped all the cars) It was a case of do something drastic Lisa, or end up with a dead car. Also there were fire engines that couldn’t get through for dead cars, so I think I was being sensible. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

*AJ was impressed he said my manoeuvre was some bad ass driving but probably totally illegal, he was also pleased he didn’t have to walk in the rain and puddles (well they were more like ponds actually) I was able to get *AJ to his job interview more than 15 minutes early. You see my Dukes of Hazzard style turnaround was right next to the place he needed to get to. So we didn’t have to wait in the underwater traffic-jam, or have to push our dead car out of knee high drain water. Me and *AJ’s lovely girlfriend *A then went to wait for him in McDonalds.

He called us on his mobile when his interview had finished and I popped off to the loo while *A went to get herself a McFlurry. When I got back the cleaning lady had thrown away my coffee and my toy from my Happy Meal, well she left my toy on top of the bin, that’s how I knew my coffee was in the bin. This will never do, I was going to drink it while stuck in the traffic fetching my son from the flood. I asked her in my, “Excuse me, did you throw my coffee in the bin?” little sad voice. It worked, she very kindly got me a fresh one. This pleased me much (insert happy-dance) because I got another sticker…YAY!! You get the seventh coffee free you know?! (I know, I’m sad like that. It’s the little things that make me happy. I mean, FREE COFFEE!!! 🙂 come on people, who doesn’t love free coffee?!

Then I got this text message from CAL’s school.

Dear Parent/carer, The school is being closed due to a potential gas leak. The children are safe. Please text back to give permission for your child/children to go home.

PANIC PANIC PANIC!!!

I mean this is just too much for my Aspie brain to process here!

What do you do? One child stuck in a flood the other in a gas leak.

((( 😦 ))) <————See that?

THAT is my “Oh crap what do I do?” face. It didn’t work but you get the gist.

I phoned my sister that’s what I did. Thank goodness she was close by and was able to go to the school. *CAL is unable to make her own way home just yet, the routine is all very new for her. I knew my sister would be fine sorting any problems but I was still panicking anyway.

So I start the car and we try to join the traffic to go fetch *AJ. It’s totally impossible we are stuck and can’t get into the flow of traffic from the EXIT side of the car park. *A phoned *AJ and asked him to try to make his way back to McDonald’s because the flood was so bad I couldn’t get the car past Dinosaur Island.

Side note…Dinosaur island

It’s a nickname…This traffic island is decorated with boulders, rocks and evergreens to disguise its true purpose. It’s really an electric substation on one of the biggest roundabouts between where we live and said point. I have often said to my kids over the years. “Mommy would totally love to take a bucket full of dinosaurs onto that island and take photos. It so looks like Jurassic park. Even the electrics look like they are housing a T-rex or maybe even Velociraptors.”

So what does *AJ go and do?

He goes and stands on Dinosaur island and gets totally stuck because the traffic is SO incredibly bad he can’t move. It’s piddling down with rain and he’s standing next to an electric substation when there is flooding going on all around him. AND… he is stood there soaking wet in his best interview suit. I had to get my little car into the traffic SOMEHOW! (More Dukes of Hazzard style driving, as the Entrance seems quite clear) Then drive around the inside lane of Dinosaur island searching for my son with the windscreen wipers going at full pelt, steamed up windows and in the slow moving underwater traffic.

Let me explain how big this island is, there are at least 4 sets of traffic lights around it and about 5 different traffic lanes. I was worried sick about *CAL being stuck in a gas leak and worried sick about *AJ being with the electrical dinosaurs and panicking drivers, but at least I had my coffee.

What the heck was going on…it’s laughable it really is! Well it is now anyway.

We are all home and the kids are drying off

It’s a good job I had *A with me, she kept me calm and gave me a reason to keep acting like a responsible adult. Super-Aspie-Mom did kick in but she was sensible and kept level headed (most of the time) 😉

So as I said, it was a weird day today but I’m choosing to see the funny side of it.

It’s fine to giggle, I am.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Our day with photos.

Today was supposed to be the last day of *CAL’s transition course to her new secondary school. A trip was planned to a country park where the SEN kids were going to do a quiz and then the school was treating the families to a meal out at a carvery. I had prepared *CAL with what was going to be happening, she was excited and we were just about to leave the house this morning when the phone rang.

It was raining, I had noticed this

But I hadn’t thought that the trip would get cancelled, after all this is England we are used to it. It’s just usually a case of put on your wellies, cagoule and grab your brolly. The trip would have gone ahead as planned but the secondary school got flooded last week so they needed to keep the staff. It was all hands on deck in case the school flooded again.

So now I had to tell *CAL

If you have or know a child on the spectrum you will understand that you can’t just change plans like that without some form of hiccup. With my *CAL it usually comes in the form of confusion and a shutdown. I chatted with her about what had happened and she started to get upset, she loves her new school and was really looking forward to it. She really couldn’t get her head around the idea of being at her Junior school for the whole day.

I spoke with the HT of her Junior school and he was fine about me taking her on an educational day and letting the school know at the end of the day what we did.

This is what we did.

First we popped into *CAL’s new school to collect her art work that she has been doing this week in her transition days. She met with the teachers she has been working with this week and arranged with them to make a quiz from around the country park.

When we got there

She studied different kinds of tree bark and leaves as she went walking in the woods. We photographed some of the trees to use in some art work. We discussed imaginary lands and creatures that we invented that might live in the trees. We found a tree that looked like it had a doorway into fairyland. *CAL also spoke of people from stories in Greek mythology that turned into trees. Baucis and Philemon, also Daphne.

Links.

Baucis and Philemon

Apollo and Daphne

We spent some time studying the rock formations of the local area, in the visitors centre, while the rain was very heavy. *CAL then picked herself some stones to bring home. She also picked herself a wooden kit sculpture of a Stegosaurus to make over the weekend. I got myself a coffee and let her play with her stones while we waited for the rain to slow down. She lined them up in different colours and arranged them in shapes and sizes.

We also studied the maps while in the visitors centre and found that hidden in the woods are many sculptures. One of them is of Icarus, *CAL recently had a new game for her 3DS called “Kid Icarus Uprising”  So we are going to go back on a dryer day and find this sculpture, she REALLY wants to see it.

We spent some time at the play area too

*CAL has Dyspraxia as well as Aspergers, this affects her gross motors skill and also her balance so it was lovely for her to have the play area all to herself for a change. It was also great for me because I got to play on everything too, including the zip line…YAY!!!! 🙂

Then we went and had our lunch in a little country pub

While we were waiting for our food to cook *CAL did some sketches and practised her hand writing with my calligraphy pens. We did a lot more than this and the time was wonderful. We didn’t really notice the rain. We just enjoyed having a free day to be our Aspie selves. We let our wonderfully wired minds explore all the adventures that our tangents take us on, without the distraction of feeling overloaded. We enjoyed the outdoors, the trees, the breeze, the smells, the sounds and even the rain.  But most of all we enjoyed our Mommy and *CAL day.

Here are our photos

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“Mother is a plonker”

You will laugh so hard at this, I am so naive. I’m not sure if I should blog it or not, but I know it will give you a giggle and I so have to tell someone this silly story. I spent an hour praying earlier about a little blue pill I found on the stair carpet.

It looked like drugs to me,

I prayed it out and cried about it, thinking it was one of *AJ’s friends and not knowing how to tell the Mother. I knew it didn’t belong to *AJ or his lovely girlfriend *A, but I wasn’t sure about *AJ’s friends and they are all grown-up adults now, they are not little boys anymore. It’s not cool for your Mom to be hanging around when your 18 and chilling with your mates.

Anyway, I decided to confront *AJ after fetching him from the gym, I really don’t want drugs brought into my house, so I rehearsed all I would say and I took the little blue pill with me. I knew if I placed it in his hand and asked the direct question he can’t lie and I can tell if he tries to, especially if I catch him unaware.

So I waited for him outside the church, I was still praying and going over my lines. He got in the car and I was all serious with my Mommy hat on. I said to him,

“Son, I have something I need to ask you!”

I place the little blue pill in his hand, give him a concerned but loving look,

“What is this and who does it belong to?”

*AJ looks at it closely, screws up his face and then opens it up and says,

“It’s a smartie Mother, look it’s got chocolate in the middle.”

*********************************************

Ok…I really didn’t know they sold mini blue smarties. I feel such an idiot now.

Tell me you wouldn’t think the same too, just look at them…. 🙂

Friends, Autism…so proud of my girl.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

A few weeks ago my little *CAL wasn’t sleeping too good. She’s 11 now and in her last year at Junior School. She has a diagnoses of ASD likely Aspergers, she is also Dyspraxic.

Eventually she found her words and told me she was getting worried that she would have to do dinner duty. All the year 6 kids take turns at doing jobs *CAL enjoys doing jobs and being helpful but dinner duty was something that seemed to be worrying her.

I was a dinner lady at her school

I KNOW how noisy, busy and overwhelming the dining hall can be at times. If you imagine about 100 very hungry 7-11 year olds in one room, scraping plates and chairs, chattering away and constant movement. The weeks I was on duty in the dining hall I got headaches constantly. 🙂

I spoke to SEN about my concerns

Last week *CAL did a different job. Today is Monday and she said again this morning, with concern in her voice, “Mom what if I get picked for dinner duty?” I reassured her that I had spoken to her teacher and the special educational needs teaching assistant (who *CAL totally loves) and explained that no one would make her do anything she didn’t want to do. But she had to tell them about her concerns. She did!

Imagine my surprise after school today

*CAL comes running out of school straight at me with a beaming smile on her face.

“Guess what Mom? I did dinner duty and I liked it!” she says in total excitement and so very proud of herself.

I was SO SHOCKED…but tried to hide that and got my Aspie-Happy-Flappy Excitement on so she would be herself. Yes I did this even in a play ground full of parents. I said “Brilliant! You are such a good girl, I’m so proud of you….so what did you do?”

I am very proud of her, but at this particular time I was thinking…How on earth did she do dinner duty?

“I did line and *Jay* stayed with me and helped me so I wasn’t on my own!”

Healthy supportive friendship

Is SO very important to everyone! Our kids and all people on the spectrum need that little bit of extra help with this. Finding friends that will accept you as you are is a blessing. *CAL’s class mate who is helping her is a very kind, sensitive, caring and confident child. I’m very pleased that the school is seeing my *CAL’s needs and helping her with friendship and also to do the things she finds difficult.

One of the things I pray for everyday,

That the children I love will find friendships that help them to thrive.

Friendships where they feel valued for who they are.

Friends who appreciate their uniqueness.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

 Proverbs 18:24

The Message (MSG)

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Meltdowns and conformity (I’m a little teapot)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I have been pondering on this for quite a few days. I haven’t known how to write it up. I will try my best to explain from my own personal experiences how being made to fit has damaged my understanding of self.

Can I just say this is a personal account and all Aspies are individuals. My life and the effect of being undiagnosed on the Spectrum may be very different from someone elses.

However I feel that me sharing this may also help someone to recognise these things within themselves. That is my purpose for blogging my thoughts.

Misunderstood Meltdowns and shutdowns.

I grew up not knowing that I have Autistic traits. My parents did their best and so did everyone who loved me. I was a very active/curious/hyper child and did extremely dangerous things sometimes.

My Mom was very loving and did everything she could to help me to understand. She would explain the best way she could. However my Dad, who is Autistic, could not communicate well at all and I felt very unloved by his ways most of the time.

When I was overloaded, because of my sensory difficulties, I would very often burst into tears and not understand why I was crying. Also when having meltdowns I was told I was naughty and a nuisance, why couldn’t I just behave myself.

I didn’t understand myself why I was acting the way I did. I still struggle with this now. I write so I can make sense of it all. As a child I couldn’t express in anyway, I am also dyslexic so writing didn’t come until I was quite a lot older.

What I did have as a child was art and dancing. These were my things and this was my way.

That was great till I started school.

I shared about my problem with expressing through art and stories when at school in this post.

Stories and Doodles

With dancing I also explained how being afraid and not understanding in dance classes became so hard for me to enjoy expressing through movement that I would shutdown, this then put me off dancing. This post is about that.

Tip toe through the Tulips, watch out for the wolves.

Without being able to explain through the talents I had I became stuck with not being able to express at all. Listening to music and other peoples lyrics became my only way. Poetry started to help me. But I didn’t start writing my own expressive or inspirational poetry until I was in my 20’s. Even then I hid it and never shared because by this time I believed that I did EVERYTHING wrong.

I didn’t want to be a nuisance, I didn’t want to be naughty. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling, from hurting, from “NOT KNOWING” so over time I became quiet. I stopped talking because I was so afraid of who I was and how people perceived me. I allowed others to make my choices for me. These were not always with my best interest at heart.

I stopped looking at people because I thought they could see I was naughty. I felt like they could read my mind and see I was pretending to understand. I felt stupid and too afraid to ask. I made my bedroom my comfort zone. I screamed at people for coming into my space. I didn’t know why so I felt bad about that too.

Conforming to the “norm”

By the time I was 11 I realised that within society my Mom was acceptable but my Dad was not. I knew I was like my Dad and this troubled me deeply. I did everything I could to imitate my Mom, I still wear the mask of my Mom when I have to. I learnt to conform and I learnt that people loved my Mom.

I can see that people like me when I act like my Mom but if I drop the mask and let the Lisa out I have a constant fear of who will reject or abandon me. This I have to work on daily.

What happened over the years was the loops asked the questions. OVER and OVER and OVER.

The loops did the accusing. OVER and OVER and OVER.

I couldn’t always tell what people actually meant, so I would keep replaying it in my head. I would have to analyse every detail of every conversation. If I spoke I had to be very certain of what I was saying.

I became a perfectionist and then very critical of self and others. I had to have everything done my way or I couldn’t cope. As a teen this kind of behaviour is seen as spoilt brat mentality. This also made me feel bad, wrong, selfish…this led to rebellion, mild self harming and suicidal thoughts.

This negative understanding of self within controlling relationships, then made me lose self and become all other.

A perfect imitation of the person I admired, respected or loved. I was so desperately wanting acceptance/approval. When rejection or abandoment happened I would be devastated. I lacked self worth so badly that I would feel dead inside when a person disappeared out of my life. I didn’t function without having that model to follow. I wouldn’t know how to. I would have to find self all over again, but I would be constantly condemning myself for another failure.

A perception of self hate/self rejection.

This became my pattern and it is something I now fight daily.

(Meltdowns + Conformity = Self hate) is something I see in me as an adult!

The “NOT KNOWING” is what caused me to hurt myself.

NOT UNDERSTANDING why I felt so alone.

Unable to communicate how I felt or what was troubling me all became very twisted in my head.

I could either blame others or blame self. I was brought up to value others so I blamed self.

This is what I’m working through now age 42.

When I get overwhelmed by others and their opinions/emotions, I know I absorb them. When I am made to feel responsible and like I have hurt someone, it devastates me inside. I can’t switch my loops off so it goes round and round in my head. My sleep becomes very broken and I have negative self hate cycles in my sleep too. Eventually I shutdown, I become extremely exhausted and I can’t function. I have to isolate myself and just be me. I have to have my space, I have to hear myself, and I have to talk myself through with the still quite voice that says kind and loving things.

I keep records, images and music for these time, of EVERYTHING that is positive in my life. I have letters to me that tell me I’m loved, that I’m accepted, that I’m a wonderful Mom, wife, sister, friend.

I have to reprogram myself.

The slightest thing can tip me over and pour me out

Just  like the song I sing with my little nephews.

I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Here is my handle
Here is my spout

When I get all steamed up
Hear me shout
“Tip me over
and pour me out!”

Once I’m tipped over and poured out, it can take me a while to hear that voice.

To find the energy to do what I have to do to find me again.

Thank God I can Be Still in His arms!

“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I took my *AJ out for breakfast yesterday and then I took him into college. We always seem to chat better when it’s just the two of us in the car. I think it’s because both of us communicate better without the eye contact. I mentioned to my boy a piece of family history that I hadn’t talked to him about before, and it really got me thinking.

.

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom and her best friend together laughing.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all,

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to be always seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂