You’ve probably noticed I’ve been a bit quiet.
It’s a little unusual for me to be quiet I know, I’m usually babbling my brain out trying to understand myself and my many, many loops. Over the past week I have been going into shutdown quite a lot and it’s taken me a while to figure out why.
I remember the constant “why?”
It still loops inside my brain. I learnt NOT to say it out loud, but it never went away.
I have a NEED to know why things are the way they are?
What makes them work the way they do?
I have a NEED to know why people act the way they act?
What makes them behave in the way that they do?
Things are quite easy, people are unpredictable
I have realised that because of not really being able to understand facial expressions, body language, being a literal thinker, also a Kinaesthetic learner AND dyslexic, I have struggled to accept and stop asking the why! Not being able to comprehend a lot of what I read does not help. I rely on experience and learn from mistakes, I have trusted that people are telling me the truth, and I have got very hurt with this. It has taken its toll in my 42 years on this planet.
It’s all in my head now.
I realise that the things that I need to talk about and the depth of conversation I need can only be met by very few people. These people are very patient, they love me, accept me and don’t want me to be anyone but me. They don’t try to fix me, cure me or change me either.
These few people understand that I need to feel safe to be able to share who I am.
Having special interests
Special interests are wonderful they give Aspies the confidence to talk, but we talk a lot about the things we love and not many people have the patience to want us around. I have spent most of my life isolating myself when I really need to talk and someone to just listen.
Writing it out and sharing my mix up of emotion and expression in the best I can, helps me to understand myself and then that helps me to understand others.
I think constant isolation caused me fear
I have a massive fear of loss, abandonment and rejection. I am now trying to work through this and understand the irrational fears I have.
I spent my day yesterday in my safe place, in my car, with my music, driving around the country side.
I see my car as my adult ATARI replacement, the down time I got playing video games, the way they stopped me stressing and the way they changed my focus. This all happens in a similar way when I drive, sing, play LOUD music and chat with God.
Even though I was alone, I kept on talking.
I prayed it out, I chatted to the imaginary friend I had as a child and I kept in touch with my lovely friend through my WONDERFUL BlackBerry.
Here are some photos I took on my drive around.
Just because I’m being me, I had to add a blast from my past.