“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Listen to the Raven

Sharp_Raven_wallpaper_by_LadyLuminalToday we saw a raven and I thought of Elijah. Then in conversation with a friend I mentioned ravens and God using them to feed His friend. I decided to read a post I wrote some time ago and it helped me today.

In 1 Kings 19. I believe there is some wonderful advice that I have in the past put into practice. It works for me. I need to start finding that special time for me again, to keep doing that which works well with my soul.

I have had many thoughts about Elijah and I have read this chapter quite a few times. This post is one I keep returning to because I keep forgetting to let God look after me.

I have an online Bible devotional come through that is a excellent place to start. There is reference to this as I share my thoughts on Elijah. However the devotional started with Mark 1:35

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

There are two guys I know

Both of them want to please God and both of them are emotional beings. They were created this way and God understands them. They have all the same feelings and hurts as us. They also have the same fears and anxieties too. The one guy I have written a poem about in the past I also painted a picture for him. He is always there when I hit the pit. He is so real to me, so open honest and transparent. His name is Jonah.

The other friend of mine, his named is Elijah

Elijah helps me to get through my worst meltdowns. God has been allowing past hurts to surface lately and things I never believed I would have to face are being healed. In prayer and through tears I feel me growing. God is so good!

Reading 1 kings 19 is a Godsend for me.

When I first got the email I felt totally drained. I really couldn’t be bothered to read it. But that Still Small Voice inside spoke and said, “Read it Lisa!” I said, “No, reading is too hard and I feel like crap!” Again the voice inside said, “Read it!” I struggled with this for a bit, but I know when God directs it is always for our good. His plans are to prosper not harm.

This is part of what I received and decided to follow.

In the Bible we see many who experienced times of burnout. After Jonah’s miraculous delivery from the big fish and prophetic announcement to the people on Nineveh, he sank into a depression and wanted to die (Jonah 4:3). After Elijah called down fire from heaven that miraculously burned up the sacrifices of Baal, the fire in his own life went dim (1 Kings 18-19). Elijah prayed, “I have had enough, LORD. Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4). Both of these men wanted to quit.

How do we avoid those same feelings of burnout? The first step is to realize that it can happen and does happen to the best of us.

What was God’s response to Elijah?

Let’s take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 19.

  • He allowed Elijah to sleep. (19:5) – rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat. (19:5) –  refreshment
  • He allowed Elijah to sleep again. (19:6) – more rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat again. (19:7) – more refreshment
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing. “What are you doing here?” (19:9) – reflection
  • He spoke to Elijah personally. (19:11) – response
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing, again. “What are you doing here?” (19:13) – reflection
  • He told Elijah what to do next. (19:15) – redirection
  • He showed Elijah who He had appointed to help him. (19:16) – reinforcement










Burnout happens when I focus on people and fitting in.

That includes me thinking too much about myself too.

“You can’t see yourself “in yourself,”

you have to learn to see yourself in Christ.”

~A Joyce Meyer’s fb status.

There was a reason why Jesus went off to solitary places to pray.

If Jesus had to do it maybe I should be more willing to do it too. My shutdowns are not such a bad thing if I give them to God at the foot of the cross. But I do believe that if I was more ready to listen, I wouldn’t overload myself in the first place.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

It started with a fish.

It started with a fish.

I won a fish on the ‘hook a duck’ at the fun fair, I was 5 years old. My brother won one too, Mom put them both in one of those 1970’s over sized brandy glasses. We called our fishes, Tom and Jerry. For my 10th Birthday the present I wanted the most, I got.

My first Aquarium.

I kept cold water fishes and they gave me a place to stare, I found the movement of the water through the filtering system extremely calming, and I knew each of my fishes and how they responded. My aquarium was in my bedroom it acted as a night light and the soothing sound of filtering water helped me to drift off into sleep.

When I moved into my own flat at the age of 18, I still had this fish tank and I started my first tropical aquarium. I had been wanting to do this for years, but Mom and Dad would only let me have cold water fishes.

I started with easy to keep fish in a community tank, Guppies, Mollies, Zebra Danios, Neon tetras and some smaller variety of Gourami.


At this age I was fascinated by all the varieties

The different names and how to keep these beautiful creations alive. I learnt about water values and how to test for nitrates. I learnt how to control the temperature and which fishes would breed at higher water temperatures. I knew which fish were live bearers, egg layers, egg depositors. I became obsessed with everything that my ONE book taught me.

I can see now that if someone would have taken my passion for keeping fishes at the age of 10, and used it to help me read, to help me understand science, to look at the fishes anatomy, maybe research all the different plants that I could have grown in my aquarium. My educational experience could have been so very different and such a positive one.

Oh well…such is life!!

At the age of 26, I became homeless and I was very ill with depression. I was close to breakdown and having regular suicidal thoughts. My Mom had me back home and she gave me and my 2 year old *AJ her master bedroom. She bought me a new fish tank, a bigger one, and she told me to fill it with the most beautiful tropical fishes I could find.

Doing this helped me so much and I am so grateful for the wisdom that God gave my Mom. I would go out with my boy and we would find the most amazing Aquatic centres. They always had little cafes and we had a fabulous time looking at all the wonderful fishes.

When *AJ was 9 my Mom bought him his first aquarium

He was fascinated with testing the ph and nitrate levels he also memorised names, temperatures, origins and tank types. He would talk none stop about his aquarium and his teacher was fascinated at his knowledge. I got him so many books and he read every one of them. He loved his tank so much and then one night the thermostat over heated and boiled all the fish, we came down to an awful smell. All his beautiful tropical fish were white and floating on the top of the tank. My *AJ cried his eyes out, and refused to ever talk about it.

Here is a photo of him with his first aquarium, before the boiling obviously

In the cage next to the tank is “BOB” the Gerbil, we later changed his name to “Beelze-BOB”

That Gerbil was just plain evil.

*AJ, 9 years old, with his fishes

*AJ later went on to breeding mice,

He won shows at the national mouse association. I took advantage of his “SPECIAL INTEREST” he was obsessed with mice, so I used it to teach him in SO many ways. He had to clean them out and feed them every day and he had 57 at one point.

Over the years

Me and my kids have kept fish, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, ducks, quails, budgies, love birds, cockatiels, finches, cats, dogs, kakarikis, tree frogs and a snake.

We have quite a library of animal husbandry. I know that through animals I have not felt the loneliness in my life that some Aspies feel. My animals have been my friends, I have loved them and they have loved me back. They have given me friendship, companionship, many giggles….I had a Cockerel once called DUDE who would sit on my shoulder like a pirates parrot. A rabbit that came when it was called. My Kakariki loved being stroked and would call me to tell me he loved me. I had a cat called Fusspot who would regularly steal marsh mellows lick them and flick them up the wall. My dogs, cats and rabbits have given me a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to who is an exceptional listener, and never judgemental. My animals have brought me through tough times by being unique creations, they helped me to look to God and see Him in who they are and how they have been created.

My little *CAL looking at fish in an aquatic centre

NOTE: This post was written two years ago. I found it today to share with a lovely new friend that I “met” on facebook through Everyday Aspergers group. I have a lot of new followers that may not know about this part of my life and those who have been following me since the start of Alienhippy won’t mind reading this again.

I enjoyed reading this today, it helped me see just how far I have come.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂


Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances (Poem)

image from Google

Silly poem…Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances

by Alienhippy

Give as much as you are given

Try not to be too intense

Try not to ask any questions

Then you can’t cause an offence


Smile but only if they smile

Or they will call you a freak

Talk surface crap most of the time

Or they’ll just call you a geek


Don’t tell them anything personal

Unless you want everyone to know

Even though you told them in private

On facebook it will probably go


Acquaintances can’t all be like this

And…I’m sure a few, really do, care

But as they never turn up for coffee

Acquaintances cause me despair


I think I will stick to friendship

Because in that I know where I stand

I feel pretty happy with friendship

It’s a shame they all live in blogland.



  • If you consider yourself my friend, you will not be offended by this poem, because you already know my humour!!! Giggle giggle snort. 😛
  • If you are offended by it, I suggest we talk because you really don’t know me very well at all. I have this side to me you know. It’s just the way I am created to be.
  • A message for one friend in particular…”This poem I wrote in 10 minutes flat mate!!!”…lol

Love you all. xx 😀

Crazy-cat-lady revisited and Aspiefied

On my swing with 2 of my cats

My lovely Sammy cat

His name was Sammy

I was a 4 year old, hyper-active fidget when my Granddad opened up his jacket and pulled out a tiny little ginger fluff ball, who I automatically call “Cinderella!”

Cinderella got shortened to Cindy and after the vet pointed out a couple of things…Cindy became Sammy……snip

Sammy was an independent tom-cat. He was constantly sleeping under the pipes in the boiler cupboard and contributed daily his own food by bringing home something lovely for dinner, unfortunately he was only willing to share the heads. (nice)

Mom would throw him out the front door every night, and I would open my bedroom window and call him back in. He would spend the night sleeping with me inside my bed next to my Teddy Boo-boo, here I knew he was safe and I could sleep and not loop. I had my Sammy cat for 10 years, he was my best friend and knew me better than anyone else. He never judged me, he always listened and he accepted me in whatever mood I was in. He would give me comfort as I stared and lost myself in his lovely, warm patterned fur. Then he’d bite and ground me snapping me out of being too distant. He was never bothered by my extreme teenage noise pollution, misunderstood violent outbursts and constant crying. He never told me I was obsessed by my interests…ATARI and nail polish. He just let me be me, and I so needed him because the pressure to conform had taken me into isolation.

When Sammy got killed on the main road outside my family home, I was devastated. I couldn’t eat and I stopped speaking for 2 weeks. Sammy was my first love, and my first friend. He taught me about friendship and self belief, he was loyal and forgiving and knew his own mind. He was the only hugs I could do and he was the only friend I could talk to. After my complete shut-down, Mom took me to get Kitty.

Dear Kitty

My Dear Kitty

Mom took me to a pet shop in the City Centre and I carried Kitty home inside my burgundy jacket on the number 12 bus. She was my little baby. I never did the dolly thing like other girls. I didn’t see the point of dressing and playing with something stiff, unrealistic, that smelt synthetic. I knew a doll wasn’t real, so what was the point in pretending it was. My Kitty however was totally real, living, breathing and needing my love as much as I needed hers.

I was really struggling at school, I had been put onto a reading development program, which then caused bullying because it brought attention to my dyslexia. In my one to one SEN-time I would have to read ‘Wind in the Willows’ picture books. I had no interest in fictional toads, badgers and rats especially speaking ones wearing clothes and driving vintage motor cars…I mean how bloody ridiculous.

The other kids were reading “The Diary of Anne Frank,” which sounded far more interesting. This is where Kitty got her name from, I felt I was missing out, so I made my own Dear Kitty, after all I was constantly alone in my very small bedroom.

Kitty was majorly insecure, the pet shop had taken her from her mother far too young and she would suckle on everything, she never grew out of this. She could never cope with being on her own, she would spend all day following RAF our Black Labrador around the house and garden. When he lay down by the fire she lay on top of him. As soon as I got home from school she would follow me to my room where she would stay with me till the next day.

She lived a long life for a cat, and stayed at my Mom and Dad’s home because when I left at 18 she hated my flat and couldn’t settle. She spent 6 days hiding in my wardrobe, refusing food and water. Seeing her like this broke my heart and I had to grow up and make a very hard decision.

Kitty taught me parenting skills, she taught me to see past myself to others needs. Finally when I took her back to my Mom’s, so she could be with her beloved RAF, she taught me to let go. She was a beautiful black and white soul who died peacefully under the apple tree in my Mom and Dad’s front garden at 16 human years of age.

Ok, crying as I rewrite this post. Jump forward 20 years…with lots of cats in between, lot of strays that have come and gone and we get to Holly

Holly, queen of my garden

“Holly, Holly, Hollyyyyyyy!!!”

Holly was my disabled cat, she was deaf and partially sighted. She was a mix of white/tan/black long haired fluff. She didn’t like being touched because she never knew where the touch was coming from. To groom her I had to spend time crawling around on the floor allowing her to sniff me and come to me. She never left my garden because she knew she was safe there.

Holly…pretty, pretty Holly

When I fed all my other cats I had to make sure she was catered for because she couldn’t fend for herself. If she was not in her basket or the cat kennel I had to go find her. She couldn’t hear me calling so I physically had to walk around looking for her. She wouldn’t come running at the sound of cat food, she couldn’t hear it. She was very demanding at meal times, and would scream at me for her food, she couldn’t hear how loud she was, but believe me it was ear-piercing, it hurts my head at times. She didn’t cope well with the other cats and isolated herself away from even her own daughter. When she walked around the garden she relied on her sense of smell, this meant she had to constantly flick her head left and right in an erratic way. The neighbours who saw her doing this told me to have her put to sleep. I think because they thought she was defective or not happy – but she was NOT defective, she was just a little unique and I love that about her. She had found her way and I saw how hard it was for her, compared to my other cats. She did everything required to be a cat. She just did it differently to the rest. She was happy and content and she knew she was loved and accepted. This is what made the other cats move out of her way.

She was the queen of my garden!

Holly taught me this very valuable lesson;

If I could do all these things for her!

If I could see the cat she was!

If I could believe and stand against people’s opinions for her!

Then I could do all this for my kids and myself too.

I believe that God meets us where we are at….even if we think cat.

And now my new addition

Trixie, my puzzle cat

Trixie, the feral

I wonder what she is going to teach me? She is one massive puzzle, and I love working out puzzles. 🙂

Autism Awareness or up on a soap box

Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.
–Neil Simon
The road to ME

A note to self

Spending time with me today. Got my Bible, prayer journal, reflective reviews and I’m just scanning and updating my netbook before I go out. I need to write! Blogging helps me process. I’m sick of the fear that one opinionated person has placed on my writing. Looks like I need to write until I rhyme. Loops are so hard to change, negative people really mess me up.

I drove to a familiar place, a place where I have written many a post, but when I got there I couldn’t face the people. I couldn’t cope with sitting and having yet another coffee alone. Watching women my age chat and laugh with their friends. I sat in my car and cried, then I drove home to pray for a friend who I knew needed me to pray for her.

When I first started blogging

I was very lucky to find a wonderful group of people, all new bloggers and we all became friends. We loved and supported one another in our online Autism community. This was not just a group of Aspies, it was a mix of all kinds of people from all walks of life. I am still friends we some of them but as time has past a few of my blogging friends have moved on. Some of my friends stopped blogging altogether. I still miss them and think of them a lot. I’m Aspie, I find change really hard to adjust too but I get there in the end.

I ventured out when my inbox went quiet

Friendship has been my biggest challenge all my life. Finding these new friends who knew what life is like in the spectrum was a ray of hope for me. As an Aspie, Mom of Aspies and the daughter of an Autistic Father. But when friends go quiet I kind of freak out, I always had a few close friends to help me see past my fears. Recently I haven’t wanted to blog, I haven’t wanted to post and I haven’t wanted to read. There is one sentence that keeps going round and round and I can’t get out of my head.

There are some lovely people who write from the heart what it is like to live in and on the spectrum. Beautiful lovely people who love and accept others for who they are and where they are at. But there are also some people who I feel use the Autism community to fuel there own personal hates. These people like to debate issues and push their opinions regardless of how much they hurt others. I find it so hard to keep sharing who I am in an open and honest way when I know that there are people who mock and cringe at those of us who are sharing our lives.

I am struggling to do something that I love

I know that I should have faith and I know that I should just keep being me but at the moment I hurt too much to be bothered. I share what I live in the hope that I can help. I was happy to do this. I was happy to pour me out and expose who I am and how Autism has been for me in my life. I feel stuck and I don’t know how to move forward.

I read this today on fb

Autism Spectrum Disorder, through my eyes.

Most of us will probably never notice the beauty in the patterns on a cracked sidewalk, or the gorgeous way the sun reflects off an oil slick after the rain. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to immerse yourself in a subject and learn everything about it, and the beauty of having all those facts lined up. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to flap their hands in happiness, or lose yourself in the feel of a cat’s fur. There are lovely things about being autistic, too, just as there must be about being neurotypical. Oh, make no bones about it: It’s difficult. The world’s not set up to operate with autistic people in mind; and autistic people and their families face prejudice every day. But being a happy autistic person isn’t “being brave” or “making the best of it”. It’s quite simply being happy. You don’t have to be ‘normal’ to be happy. ♥

I was thinking today about all the different kinds of magazines there are at the news agents, books in a book store and programs on the TV. I was pondering on the fact that we all have our own taste in what we like to read and how we comprehend in different ways.

I can’t describe my traits using words from a medical book, why? Because I can’t remember the words, I make up my own words and that helps me. There are others like me and how I share helps those who are like me.

  • Why can’t there be more than one way to share what autism is?
  • Why does there have to be divisions when we should be united?
  • Why does it have to be us and them?
  • Why can’t Autism Awareness mean bringing awareness to Autism?
  • Why does there have to be conflict when we all want the same thing?
  • Why?

Autism Awareness

If you have met one person with Autism you have met one person with Autism.

I am not my Dad.

My son and daughter are not me.

We are all unique and all present differently,

I believe that bloggyland is big enough for everyone.

I think bringing awareness to the difficulties and prejudice that all those affected by autism face is what is important not how we say things.

I love to write, I struggle to express who I am in words to faces. Writing is what helps me. Does anyone else want to have a pop at me?

How about writing it in my comments where others can read it.

As always it is the Bible that helps me to keep being me.

This scripture helped me to post today.

Philippians 1:15-18 (NIV)

It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defence of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice!

Also….God’s perfect timing.

A poem from my lovely bloggy friend Richard……“Just Be Yourself”

Poem for my closest friends

Poem for my closest friends

by Alienhippy

I see you with your kids collecting sea shells on the beach

Walking through the forest hidden depths wanting to reach

Or sitting in a coffee shop and chatting with a friend

I switch on my computer and some loving hugs I send


Each morning I count my blessings as I step into my day

I carry you all with me, in my heart I always pray

Your lives in miles so far away but in spirit..oh, so near

So grateful for the friends I have, God sent you this is clear


When you’re happy and when you’re sad I feel you in my heart

I hold you in my thoughts and prayers so we are not apart

These massive ponds between us, it really isn’t fair

Because if I’m totally honest, I am wishing I could be there


To giggle in your happy times and hug you when you’re sad

Help you do the things that stress, hold your hand when life gets bad

To go out chasing butterflies and play on swings in the park

To sit and pray together in those times when life seems dark


I know one day I’ll meet you, that God has planned it so

I know that God will work it out and travelling I will go

Around the world to see my friends share space for just a while

But for this present moment it’s on Skype I’m sharing smiles


“Life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.”

~Penelope’s Pen

Thankful for my true friends! ♥

Faking it to fit?

Babble my way through oblivious

I have been thinking about how I used to fake it

Fake what? Fake me…that’s what! I would act so well to be like everyone else, just so I wasn’t on my own. It was such bloody hard work, and I still got rejected. I see so many people pushing themselves to be like others so they feel accepted. I have done it so many times myself, made comparisons and moulded, recreated me to the likeness of another. Wanting so much to be part of the norm, but never really quite meeting the mark.

Most of the time now I am happy just being me

I don’t feel the need to conform and I tend to avoid all people who are not open to who I am. But it hasn’t always been like this, especially when I was younger. Yes, I still have days when I would love to be just like everyone else. To be able to just mingle with other women my age and find chatting easy. To be able to do that light and surface conversation thing they do and not be dragged into a tangent thought. My tangents will spiral off in all directions, my visual thinking sees to that. Mainly it goes into abstract, depth and meaning. My analytical thinking has to take things apart, back down to the roots and find parallels. This is my way of understanding and finding connection, feeling part of what goes on.

What happens with my thinking?

If I’m confident with those around me, without realising, I become intense and self challenging in my conversation. I think out loud before even processing, all my many thoughts and analysis comes pouring out of my mouth or through my fingers. Being questioned or criticised while processing out loud is too much for me to cope with. Also having my thoughts interrupted is very hard for me to get back on track. I can go into meltdown/shutdown depending on my confidence level. I know this puts people off and I have had times when I just stopped being me.

After an out pour I very often will go into a loop, I replay everything and worry about every word, every action, every suggestion, every idea. But I know now, that those who are genuine, loving, accepting and kind will get to know me and know my ways. They see past all my quirkiness, all my babble and see my heart. When I’m not confident I don’t speak, or I take on the persona of another mimicking and agreeing with their confident ways, out of my own insecurity and fear of rejection.

Thoughts I have to fight, these lead to spirals

It would be nice to occasionally have a friend to sit with for coffee, or someone to chat to while out walking. It would be nice to have someone who is interested in the same things as me and I don’t have to just talk on line. It would be nice to be able to cope with the crowd and noise, not have this social fear and anxiety of doing things that are new. It would have been nice to have had a best friend growing up, to have been part of a girlie group and accepted.

But being chatty on a surface level is too hard for me

It just isn’t who I am, I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m not good with the contact either, women tend to touch each other when talking and just the thought of that is uncomfortable for me. Also… truth being told, I find general chit chat extremely boring. I am so oblivious to what is on the TV and who/what is “in” or “out” of the popular. Listening to it is so irritating it hurts my head. I said I was being honest, please don’t hate me for it…giggle.

As I learn more about my Aspie traits

I see that I have always put myself down, always seen myself as the one at fault. I have never really appreciated the way I am wired, because I felt so alone, so alien. Being Dyslexic and not being able to read at times is an added aloneness, but something I am seeing now as my time for reconnection with God. A time to recharge and a time to download all my many, many, many thoughts in whatever way I can.

Since finding others who are like myself

Other female Aspies, Mom’s of Aspies and those who are accepting and loving towards people on the spectrum, things have started to change for me. I see that through me learning to accept myself, actually love who I am created to be, God is helping me to see that I have done extremely well. It is fine for me to be unique and not part of the crowd because I am connected to Him, to self and to those who I can love and receive love from.

I believe God brings people at the right time

I think that once I have learned how to remain myself and not imitate, God will bring me close friendship in my everyday life as well as my on-line friends. I feel good about that now! Those who rejected or did not appreciate my friendship I have stepped back from and allowed God to bring me more open, honest, loyal friendship.

New LONG words, that I don’t know

I am reading my thesaurus a lot and writing a list of new long words that I don’t know. Words that speak happy. I can write poetry from the depths of my emotion, but I can’t seem to write it from the experience of joy. God has been speaking a lot of Psalms into me lately. I know a lot of Psalms about pulling myself from the depths of despair, I perhaps need to look to the Psalms on rejoicing in His name and bringing Him glory.

I know how to express being happy in Jesus, being happy in my kids, happy in nature and animals, even being happy absorbed in my special interests. But I don’t know how to express or write about being happy in just being myself. It seems a very new thing but I know it’s one of the first things I ever did. It means tapping into my inner child. All little children are happy just being themselves.

Thanks for listening and letting me babble. I think I have found a direction to ponder in now.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

A song off the new Christian CD I have just ordered.

Jamie Grace – With You

(The first few lines are just perfect for Aspies. 🙂 )

Just me in my Aspie-oddness

As I walked home from the school this morning I realised just how Aspie-odd I am. In a good way of course, odd, eccentric and nutty are all good in my book. Every now and again I will walk past elderly ladies and I can smell my Nan. This is so lovely for me as I loved my Nanny so very much. The smell is a combination of Oil of Ulay moisturising cream, Bristow hairspray, Rimmel face power and a slight smell of my Grandad’s Embassy No 6 cigarette smoke. I find it so odd to smell that whole concoction on someone that looks absolutely nothing like my lovely Nanny. Also if just one thing is different it doesn’t smell like my Nan at all. It’s an exact mix of chemical smells that triggers off such happy safe feelings of comfort.

Nan with AJ and CAL

I have been feeling a mix of emotions over the last few weeks

I know God is growing me in the area of friendship. Which has taken me on quite a journey because my best friends were my Mom and my Nan. They were the people in my life who always loved me and accepted me as I am. I have always had to change for others, modify my behaviours and wear a mask to fit.

My last post was about my lovely Mom and what we experienced in the years running up to her death. It was a very healing post for me to write. If you missed it here is the link.

The Teddy Bear Diploma.

It was just a few short months after my Mom died that my Nan got ill and suffered dimentia. She became like a 2 year old for about 3 weeks and then had an accident and died on her way to hospital.

My Nan was a very strong willed lady. She was Aspie I can see this, it is SO obvious now. She raised my Dad and his twin my Uncle What (as I have always called him) almost as a single Mother because my Grandad was in the army at first. He was very old fashioned with this sort of stuff also. I remember my Nan telling me that once the boys were 14 my Grandad said, “Right now it’s my turn to teach them a trade” and he did, they both became carpenters.

I’m not going to pretend and say this friendship stuff is easy

I know that with my past, friendship is one of the hardest things for me to understand. I can’t do surface friendship, I’m hopeless at chit-chat, I have to feel I have a connection.

I know the best way of me understanding all this is to listen to what God is telling me. I never really needed close friendships as a child because I had everything I needed in the relationships I had with my Mom and my Nan. So I never really learned how to be a friend or what was or wasn’t acceptable within friendship. But I do need friends now because I feel alone a lot of the time.

So, I’m going to be stuck in my Bible for a while.

The friendships that come to mind are.

Ruth and Naomi

Jonathon and David

Elijah and Elisha

And of course Jesus’ close friendships with Peter, John and James.

I have two ways of understanding

They both come down to family connection. Physical family connection and Spiritual family connection. I know God will guide me and I have close friendships with very beautiful, kind, loving and patient friends that God has brought into my life. I know it’s time for me to learn in God’s way and He has provided just what I need to find my way forward.

Here is a poem I wrote for my Nan, and a song we danced to together in her living room when I was a teen. I was avoiding a boyfriend who wouldn’t take the dumping. I hid out at my Nan’s for over two weeks because I couldn’t cope with his constant phone calls and I couldn’t be nasty to him. 🙂

My Nan did love to dance…but that’s a whole different post.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

My Nan

by Alienhippy

I was always welcome

Even when I just turned up

She would cook me bacon

Do a word search

And we’d have a cup of tea

Nan with me

She smelt of hairspray and Oil of Olay

With her face powder and lipstick

She never missed a trick

And even though

Others found her hard going

I always left knowing

She loved me

Nan and me

She never said it

But I knew

And as I grew into a women

I was still her special girl

Her pearl

Her first grand-daughter

Me at 12, Nan, Grandad & Great-Gran

I miss sitting in her chair

Playing with her hairpiece

Making apple pies

I miss her smiling eyes

And her knitting

Nan and me

I miss her asking

“Egg on one, beans on the other?”

Me and my Brother

Staying over after Bingo

I miss the dresses she would make

And the time that she would take

To show me

What was hard to do

Because she knew

I was special

My Nan

I miss my Nan