In searching my truth

roses

In searching my truth

by Alienhippy

In searching my truth

I found the love of God

Divine love has been calling

Whispering my name my whole life

I’d reached the end of my own strength

Admitting to myself

I was just biding time

Waiting on seeking

But never truly seeing

Never really listening

Not wanting to hear

Not wanting to see

Switched off to my senses

In the falling of the leaves came release

A casting away of all that had become

In sequence with changing seasons

My entire being grasped, gasped

Deeply inhaled

Sensed rightness

Exhaled

Sighing in relief

Recognition of soul harmony

The fullest truth of the summer blooms

Revealing to my soul

The flower trapped within

Butterflies and tickle birds

Creating new paths of flight

The key to my heart was given

Love unlocked then opened the door

And in that love

With that love

Through that love

I ventured out

Leap of Love

sun-clouds-white-rays-pigeon

Leap of Love

A passion so refreshing it brings light to my soul

A reflection of pure love in the face of beauty

I in you, you in me, we in Him

I stepped into love in all its glorious wonder

I took flight in love as a bird set free

Free from the weighted cage of fear

I danced along the cliff edge

Leapt from my tiny nest

Unfurling my restricted wings

I dived from the precipice and in my fall

I’m captured, supported and lifted

Overflowing and tenderly kissed

In this warm breath I rise

Through the clearing into blue sky

I feel the fullness of God’s love

Shining with His Son

Chameleon

alien cameleonChameleon
by Alienhippy
I write when I’m emotional, it seems to help at times
But lately I have not pushed through to find my words of rhyme
I let myself shrink back in fear and forgot I had a voice
That who I am is not worth less but I have to stand by choice
~
I hide when I am trying to please the masses not my needs
And fear and dread turn into pain, my soul and spirit bleeds
Invisible, when in a crowd, a Chameleon act of protection
But still the aching void speaks loud, destructive self rejection
~
Being confident that I’m enough no need for validation
Just be myself not hide my shine, this traps me in frustration
Be strong enough to walk away and hold my head up high
Better alone living in my truth than to live my life a lie
~
So now I stand and raise my voice in rhyming words of verse
As images of dancing angst replay, rebuild, rehearse
And as I push me past the zone of comfort one more time
I take deep breaths and know my heart is good yet on the line

Filtering (Autism Awareness)

WIND-jpgsFiltering (Autism Awareness)
by Alienhippy
You would not believe the filters I have to use to free
The processes I go through so I can truly see
The rehearsing and the questions, constant battles in my brain
If I attached a loud speaker, you’d think that I’m insane
~
It will start with something simple, an interest that gives safety
Or acceptance from a person who likes me for being me
Then that safety forms a blanket that covers all the crap
That the world has thrown upon me, sealed me in my trap
~
I document my way out through journals and through rhyme
Reflect on change to routine and re-organise my time
Then make plans to share the burden that I feel I may become
Praying to rebuild any damage I have done
~
I cannot change this process I have lived and I’ve obsessed
I have walked this path for many year alone and left depressed
I have to fight right through it, calling out to God above
Held accepted in His wisdom, His Guidance and His Love
~
I don’t know how to be any other way
I collect and filter everything so I can have a say
In what goes on within my life, it seems my ways are strange
‘Cause no one else collects these thoughts to interpret every change
~
I don’t like sitting still too long I feel I will stagnate
I keep my mind and spirit calm avoiding strife and hate
I feel this hope inside me, even though I feel a mess
And in His love I understand my ways are NOT worth less

Trying to write again

1012232_4448425467485_238298099_nTrying to write again

by Alienhippy

From the depth of my emotion and the mess within my mind

I know that words will come as I write my way to find

A comfort deep inside me and a voice which often calls

Ignoring it is pointless, how I’m made cries out for rules

~

Trigger words and images that cause my mind to bend

Trying to filter through the crap and not hide from my friends

I want to be the way I was and share my poetry

But times have changed, I’m feeling lost, I’m struggling to see

~

Where I fit and if I’m needed, so I grasp this safety rope

Begging God to help me find a way to not lose hope

To accept the place I’m given and the distance that we share

And pray to love with deeper love because in love I bear

~

This pain of never feeling in the same room, time or space

Wanting, waiting, praying for acceptance, face to face

Hoping that one day being me, I will embrace

But for now I ponder on, knowing God will show me grace

~

I’m not like many others I care deeper than most do

I cannot switch off thought nor heart I have to pray them through

I have to take myself, my pain, my love, sin, fear and loss

Being still and listening and learning from The Cross

Autism Awareness or up on a soap box

Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.
–Neil Simon
The road to ME

A note to self

Spending time with me today. Got my Bible, prayer journal, reflective reviews and I’m just scanning and updating my netbook before I go out. I need to write! Blogging helps me process. I’m sick of the fear that one opinionated person has placed on my writing. Looks like I need to write until I rhyme. Loops are so hard to change, negative people really mess me up.

I drove to a familiar place, a place where I have written many a post, but when I got there I couldn’t face the people. I couldn’t cope with sitting and having yet another coffee alone. Watching women my age chat and laugh with their friends. I sat in my car and cried, then I drove home to pray for a friend who I knew needed me to pray for her.

When I first started blogging

I was very lucky to find a wonderful group of people, all new bloggers and we all became friends. We loved and supported one another in our online Autism community. This was not just a group of Aspies, it was a mix of all kinds of people from all walks of life. I am still friends we some of them but as time has past a few of my blogging friends have moved on. Some of my friends stopped blogging altogether. I still miss them and think of them a lot. I’m Aspie, I find change really hard to adjust too but I get there in the end.

I ventured out when my inbox went quiet

Friendship has been my biggest challenge all my life. Finding these new friends who knew what life is like in the spectrum was a ray of hope for me. As an Aspie, Mom of Aspies and the daughter of an Autistic Father. But when friends go quiet I kind of freak out, I always had a few close friends to help me see past my fears. Recently I haven’t wanted to blog, I haven’t wanted to post and I haven’t wanted to read. There is one sentence that keeps going round and round and I can’t get out of my head.

There are some lovely people who write from the heart what it is like to live in and on the spectrum. Beautiful lovely people who love and accept others for who they are and where they are at. But there are also some people who I feel use the Autism community to fuel there own personal hates. These people like to debate issues and push their opinions regardless of how much they hurt others. I find it so hard to keep sharing who I am in an open and honest way when I know that there are people who mock and cringe at those of us who are sharing our lives.

I am struggling to do something that I love

I know that I should have faith and I know that I should just keep being me but at the moment I hurt too much to be bothered. I share what I live in the hope that I can help. I was happy to do this. I was happy to pour me out and expose who I am and how Autism has been for me in my life. I feel stuck and I don’t know how to move forward.

I read this today on fb

Autism Spectrum Disorder, through my eyes.

Most of us will probably never notice the beauty in the patterns on a cracked sidewalk, or the gorgeous way the sun reflects off an oil slick after the rain. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to immerse yourself in a subject and learn everything about it, and the beauty of having all those facts lined up. They’ll probably never know what it’s like to flap their hands in happiness, or lose yourself in the feel of a cat’s fur. There are lovely things about being autistic, too, just as there must be about being neurotypical. Oh, make no bones about it: It’s difficult. The world’s not set up to operate with autistic people in mind; and autistic people and their families face prejudice every day. But being a happy autistic person isn’t “being brave” or “making the best of it”. It’s quite simply being happy. You don’t have to be ‘normal’ to be happy. ♥

I was thinking today about all the different kinds of magazines there are at the news agents, books in a book store and programs on the TV. I was pondering on the fact that we all have our own taste in what we like to read and how we comprehend in different ways.

I can’t describe my traits using words from a medical book, why? Because I can’t remember the words, I make up my own words and that helps me. There are others like me and how I share helps those who are like me.

  • Why can’t there be more than one way to share what autism is?
  • Why does there have to be divisions when we should be united?
  • Why does it have to be us and them?
  • Why can’t Autism Awareness mean bringing awareness to Autism?
  • Why does there have to be conflict when we all want the same thing?
  • Why?

Autism Awareness

If you have met one person with Autism you have met one person with Autism.

I am not my Dad.

My son and daughter are not me.

We are all unique and all present differently,

I believe that bloggyland is big enough for everyone.

I think bringing awareness to the difficulties and prejudice that all those affected by autism face is what is important not how we say things.

I love to write, I struggle to express who I am in words to faces. Writing is what helps me. Does anyone else want to have a pop at me?

How about writing it in my comments where others can read it.

As always it is the Bible that helps me to keep being me.

This scripture helped me to post today.

Philippians 1:15-18 (NIV)

It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defence of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice!

Also….God’s perfect timing.

A poem from my lovely bloggy friend Richard……“Just Be Yourself”

Growing in the silence

This poem was written from memories of my past after reading my Bible this morning. It’s a look back on where I was and how God has always been there to bring me through. For some reason I was able to tap into these memories so I went with it.

Growing in the silence

by Alienhippy

Like a grave my heart left cold, dead, yet reaching

You are gone and only memories pierce me now

Walked out one spring morning, no goodbyes

No words but the silence said it all

~

The laughing stopped, the walls caved in

Squashed into nothing, a creature that was not me

Tip toeing over cracks and smiling through thunder

No words but the silence said it all

~

Crushed I may have seemed by changing

Broken hearted left alone is what you saw

Weakened in my being but not in spirit

No words but the silence said it all

~

Solitude with less pain my spirit freed

Given time to grow and just be me

Strengthened, nurtured, loved and accepted

No words, in His silence I hear Him call

*********************************************

Psalm 73:21-26 (AMP)

For my heart was grieved, embittered, and in a state of ferment, and I was pricked in my heart [as with the sharp fang of an adder]. So foolish, stupid, and brutish was I, and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honour and glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.

Lamentations 3:19-27 (GNT)

The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison.

I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed.

Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing:

The LORD’s unfailing love and mercy still continue,

Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.

The LORD is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.

The LORD is good to everyone who trusts in him,

So it is best for us to wait in patience—to wait for him to save us—

And it is best to learn this patience in our youth.