The Burgundy Rug

I’m writing from a shutdown so this post may not make sense.

Image found on Facebook

Today has been a day when I would rather not post on my blog. It’s one of those days when I would rather hide and only speak when spoken to. I don’t want to let myself down and fail at a goal I have set for myself. I said I would post every day in July and I already did a wordless post yesterday.

Today I’ve had a meltdown, followed by a guilt ridden shutdown. I then slept because I was so drained. I needed to try to process but wasn’t able to. I woke up and got emotional and was not able to filter. I was not able to understand what was truth and what was misplaced emotion, everything seemed merged. Luckily a close friend was able to talk me through and help me with this.

I think one of the worst things about Aspergers is the not knowing. Not being able to control thought, feeling and reaction then thinking your mind is out of control. Not being able to prioritise and only having one thought constantly looping. Obsessing about simple things that no one else is even aware of. The only thing that seems to slow down my thinking is to distract. For me that comes in creativity, imagination and visual stimulation.

My friend Jo from over at MumtoJ posted this image

I saw this earlier and it triggered off a lot of happy memories for me.

I decided to go to a safe place and distract how I have been feeling today.

I lost myself in memories and wrote down the best I could from my shutdown. It helped me to slow down my looping.

Sorry, I know I get on people’s nerves when I can’t process because I babble myself round in circles with what seems unimportant to others. This post has no point at all apart from me trying to push past a fear and help myself to think clearly again.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

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The Burgundy Rug

As I ran my fingers through the long burgundy fibres I felt such pleasure, release, fun, adventure and an inner peace too. I lay full length on my Great Granny’s rug, looking up at what was around me, digging my fingers into the texture wiggling them around and following each strand to its base. Such a tiny child I was with so many habits that annoyed so many people. But not here, not in this place. I rolled over and lay stretched out on my stomach rubbing my face and palms into the pile, then raising my head looking to see if an imprint was detectable. I can still remember the smell of that burgundy rug, I can feel it to this day like it lives inside my skin. All the fun it held for me, but mostly it felt safe. It was comfort and I knew it was always there.

“Lisa, make sure you brush the rug when you finish your game.”

I’m smiling at those words and thinking back on happy memories of my lovely old Great Gran. I can see her sat in her high back chair. A short stocky lady with black curled hair, clip on earrings and wearing her green crimplene over dress.

Joey the bright yellow budgerigar had his cage to the left of her chair. The cage was on a stand with one of those plastic elasticated seed collectors around the bottom to catch any lose millet. My Nanny Poorly-leg (as I called her) was very house proud, but this want for perfection never was as important as her family.

Joey was seldom in his cage he was always perched on my Great Grandad’s shoulder, like a pirates parrot pecking at his ear. My Great Grandad, such a quiet gentleman. I see him now in the kitchen making his famous brew, always tea leaves never bags. The strongest cup of tea one could ever taste, bright orange it was and so very sweet with a slight taste of cigarette smoke, always in a fine bone china cup.

He was never without an unfiltered hanging from his lips. Chain smoker he was dressed in his long Johns, the old fashioned type with the button up flap at the back. His brown chino trousers with braces, no shirt while in the house just his top from his all in one underwear. He’d be chatting away, cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth, “Pretty Joey, who’s a pretty boy then?” I really don’t remember him talking much more than that, but he did love his roses and I do remember him letting me spray them. He would very often have the next ciggie resting behind his ear ready to light off the present one once it was used up. Funny the things that stick in your mind.

She couldn’t walk very well my Great Gran, I didn’t understand why, I was so young. She had one leg slightly longer than the other and always had a limp. She had been very ill as a child and wasn’t able to attend school. I remember her telling me she was so tiny when she was born they could fit her in a pint glass. I don’t know if this was true but I would listen to her stories and gaze at how long her ears were. People’s ears get so long with age it’s something I still notice now.

She would regularly show me the cut on her tongue that she got from trying to eat a piece of glass as a kid. This used to gross me out awfully and I really didn’t want to see it. It was almost as bad as my great Aunt Barbara flipping her false teeth around in her mouth trying to make me laugh. Gran told me she thought the glass was toffee that had fallen off the toffee apples her Mom had made. I can’t remember why she wasn’t allowed to eat them and picked up a piece of glass off the floor. It might just have been that her mom made them to earn some pennies. I don’t know, I can’t remember and I can’t ask anyone now. I know that my Great Granny was born the daughter of a lock keeper and there was Irish gypsy blood in her line. So many questions I have now and wish I could sit and chat and find some answers.

I loved going to my Great Granny’s bungalow I have such a clear picture of each room. The living room was my favourite. The china cabinet in the right hand corner, filled with all my Granny’s special crocks. The solid oak sideboard under the window with the wind up wooden clock, it’s chime I still recognise taking me back in time. Her beautiful burgundy rug by the fireplace ready for all my stories and playtime. Also that wonderful oval shaped, flamenco dancer coffee table with its thin black legs and glass top.

My fingers was my game they were my toys, my puppets. The burgundy rug was my canvas and stage for so many wonderful imaginings. The pile was so deep I could draw on its fibres. Wavy lines became rivers, the seaside or secret pathways filled with magical adventures. My finger people did the walking, my mind did the talking and my Nanny Poorly-leg sat and watched. She smiled, never disturbed me and loved me just the way I was. I just needed to remember to brush the rug when I had finished my game.

Loopy Loopy Loopy

Loopy Loopy Loopy

Sorry folks, my brain is too full to make any sense at all.

So this is all I’ve got, I’ll be back soon.

I need to go and be “Listening through the Loops”

I’ll let you know what I learn from my shutdown.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Luke 5:16

(NIV1984)

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

A song for all of us who are in the belly of a whale.

Sometimes we have to let go of what we hold dear to get closer to the One who holds our heart, Jesus.

This song by JJ Heller can be found on her “When I’m With You” album.

The lyrics:

It’s hard to tell
If my eyes are open
When all I see is dark

And it’s easy, it’s easy
To lose my step, to lose my step

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe that’s where I should be

I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all to you

When I use to dream of a life so lovely
There’d be no room for tears
Now letting go, yeah letting go
Is the hardest part, it’s the hardest part

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe that’s where I should be

I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all to you
Oh oh oh

There is no place I can go
Where you don’t already know
How to reach right down
And pull me out

I need you
I need you
I need you

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe that’s where I should be

I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe that’s where I should be

I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all yeah
I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all yeah and
I’ve given up tryin’
I’m giving it all… to you

Mommy on a break

Hello lovely bloggy friends,

As I have been receiving messages and emails about my break I just thought I would repost today and fill everyone in.

In England the schools have just broken up for the six week school holidays. This means we are all adapting to a change in routine. I will be back posting as soon as everything settles, my kids are my life making plans for this holiday is what I need to be doing.

I love my blog, I’m not going anywhere. If I have a sudden burst of inspiration I can’t help but write.

However, I have a lot going on and I need to process it all. My best way is through my creativity, so you can find me on my other blog.

Link to "Listening through the Loops"

I will reply to everyone’s comments when I get the time, and the ability to string words together.

I love getting comments off all my lovely bloggy friends, they encourage me so much.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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I am the Mommy…(Repost from November)

I was really inspired by my friends post this morning called

“I am the Mother” at……Welcome to the Madhouse

New Link to the same post on Fi’s new blog…Wonderfully Wired

Fiona is so extremely open and real it is refreshing, so I decided it’s about time I let some stuff out.

As I have been parenting now for 17 years I have had many life changes over that time.

I can see that I will have to break this down into different seasons. Not all of them nice.

Starting here……….

When I lost my home!

I am the Mommy who didn’t read the paper work correctly and signed my home and all my furniture over to be rented out for 12 months, giving us no home or belongings. (I am dyslexic)

I am the Mommy who couldn’t afford food for 2 people so I didn’t eat all day and ate scraps in the kitchen I worked in on my evening shift. After having a cleaning job in the daytime that I took my baby boy to.

I am the Mommy who struggled with OCD and found having a toddler really hard, my OCD was germ related and I wanted to keep him safe. My hands bled because I washed them far too much.

I am the Mommy who walked around with holes in my boots and plastic bags on my feet, in snow and slush. But I got my boy a coat and kept him warm.

I am the Mommy who thanked God for the stains in my carpets when I got my home back because I was so grateful that we had a roof over our heads that was ours. We didn’t have to rely on family and friends any-longer.

When I went to college!

I am the Mommy who started college to try to get a better paid job not realising at the time I am dyslexic and have Aspergers. I hated leaving my little boy in the nursery from 9-4 and would get him out at lunch time because I missed him so much

I am the Mommy who had to decide alone which was the best choice to live on single parent benefits spending those precious younger years with him, or keep pushing with college so I could get work full time and leave him with a childminder. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, in the end God chose for me.

When I was sucked into a Religious sect!

I am the Mommy who only read nice Bible stories to my boy.

I am the Mommy who chose my own way of discipline to the disapproval of most of the leaders.

I am the Mommy who refused to leave my boy in Children’s ministry when he didn’t want to be there, and was having a massive tantrum. Also to the disapproval of the leaders.

I am the Mommy who carried my *AJ kicking and screaming into this sect every Sunday because I had been indoctrinated and was afraid of the consequences that certain people had put in my brain.

I am also the Mommy who spent far too much time running after friendships and approval in this sect and not paying enough attention to my lad…Thank God I had my Mom back then, and she took over where I was lacking.

Let’s get up to date shall we!

I am the Mommy who leaves the housework and takes the kids to the Safari Park or on a picnic. Only to find out we have no clean pants.

I am the Mommy who Tazzes the house work, because I would rather sit and watch a Disney film and have a cuddle off my girl.

I am the Mommy who has a job in my *CAL’s school play ground because this is the place she find the hardest.

I am the Mommy who spent my Birthday money on buying nuts and bolts and cement. So I could make my kids a swing out of branches in our garden.

I am the Mommy who dug a big hole in our garden so when it rains we can put our wellies on and dance in muddy puddles….like Peppa pig.

I am the Mommy who is constantly late taking my *CAL to school, because I get so distracted so easily and forget the time. Which then gets her a late mark.

I am the Mommy who still has to help my girl to wash and dress because she struggles with this.

I am the Mommy who goes out at 10:00 every night to fetch my 17 year old *AJ from where ever he is, because I worry about him and he has been mugged twice.

I am the Mommy who very rarely buys clothes and when I do I get them from charity shops, I spend the money I earn on my *AJ’s Gym membership and *CAL’s Piano and Violin lessons

I am the Mommy who has to play ABBA to keep me in the kitchen because I would rather be on the computer.

I am the Mommy who misses my Mommy every day, because I don’t really know what I’m doing.

I am the Mommy who believes in God and look to see Him in everyday things, so I understand that what I can’t do for my kids, God will do because He will find a way for them to receive what they need.

Autism meaning *SELF??? (Further thoughts)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Back in September I wrote a post called

“Autism meaning *SELF???”

I read through that post this morning after having some thoughts on this topic. You might want to read my earlier post so you can see my understanding of “SELF” back then, it’s not that different to now. This is only my interpretation you understand, I can only say what goes on within me.

I have great respect for those parents of Aspie/Autie kids, who go out their way to find just what their kids need. Those I have “met” through blogging have really helped me to understand the differences that we all have. They have also really inspired me to take my experiences and make them useful to others.

I only know my own way of coping

For 36 years I didn’t realise that the way I understand things is actually quite different to how most people do. You don’t really go around asking people how their brain works do you??…giggle. So I just assumed that EVERYONE was like me and maybe I was just a little bit slow or thick.

Here are some of my thoughts,

I have LOADS you have probably noticed. 😉 I do like to babble, I find it helps me so much.

Each morning while I’m showering I look through the glass doors at my bathroom. When I first enter the shower cubicle the glass is clear and I can see my bathroom and recognise everything. As the time goes on, and I do like a nice long shower, the droplets of water and the steam make my bathroom become blurry, the glass will mist over. I can still see and I still know everything in that space, so it doesn’t bother me. I sometimes wipe the glass and give myself a window out into this space and it reminds me of how I feel whenever I am out of my comfort zone.

This is where Autism IS TOTALLY about self.

More to the point self preservation!!!

A shutdown, a meltdown is a reaction that happens within to try to gain control of the not knowing. Most of the time, now I am older, I am able to understand the changes going on in my body and mind when I am going into overload. I have had years of experiencing this so I recognise it…most of the time. I have learnt to predict potential overloads.

Sensory overload to me is EXTRA and TOO.MUCH!

What I mean by this is everything seems EXTRA and TOO.MUCH.

It will start with noise with me, but I don’t always notice it straight away. Every little noise becomes EXTRA loud and I can’t tell where they are coming from or which is loud and which isn’t, what is music and what is a buzz from a freezer or overhead lights. All conversations sound like fuzz and I can’t hear or understand what people are saying. I have to start reading lips and faces then that can trigger off fears, insecurities and visuals. Once this happens I know, now, to find a muffled place or go outside. If I can’t get outside or to a toilet, corners are good or standing close to a wall. I think this calms the echoes.

After the noise if I haven’t been able to regain me, the visuals kick in. I will have images, so many images of all my safe places, people and things. I really need them at this point. As a child I would scream to go home, I would crawl up my Mom and hide round her legs. Everything at this point is too confusing and it is impossible to explain verbally how you feel because the words just don’t connect.  To me it feels like terror an unrecognisable fear, a complete change in recognition of even the ability to focus on my own breathing. My body feels different like it wants to do its own thing, no matter how I try to reason I just want to run. If I can’t run or calm myself, then I start to defend. My ears I will block and I will focus on the floor, I can also become very angry at this stage trying to control my fear.

 When I start to notice ALL THE EXTRAS

With me the lights will hurt my eyes, I can sometimes see them flickering. I have films running in my head of everything I’m seeing. I can look away and still see a person overlay on a wall or a shelf, or even over another person. All the time I’m thinking of home. So that is playing too..HOME, HOME, HOME. In the past I have had to grab my kids and bag and walk out of a supermarket leaving a full trolley of groceries at this point. I locked myself in my car, took my deep breaths and I didn’t go back in, I just couldn’t. There was far too many people. Supermarket are bad enough without people, but on this particular day it was over crowded.

When overload occurs

Every part of me is extremely sensitive. I can’t cope with being touch at all.

If I can’t escape I will go into a form of survival. I didn’t realise this wasn’t how everyone was as I have said before I have lived in an Autism bubble my whole life. I am now learning that who I am and how I cope is not wrong. I have found ways that help me. I think all you Moms and Dads of ASD kids are SUPER AWESOME, you know your little angels and you are finding ways to help them, so they won’t have to do it for themselves.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

OMGoodness…that STOOPID widget!

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

If you scroll down you will see I have a new addition to my side bar. Go on…scroll down have a look I’m so VERY proud of it. I have a Facebook page, aren’t I the clever one then?!

So let me tell you about it

Dyslexia and Aspergers really DON’T work well together…giggle.

I can laugh now, but at nearly 2am when I was eating comfort toast and drinking hot chocolate, the only thing I could think about was that STOOPID widget. I ended up watching some crap on the telly trying to switch my brain off. Well staring at some crap really, I wasn’t watching it AT ALL. 

On the spur of the moment, yesterday evening

I’d just finished cutting *AJ’s hair and I thought to myself, “I know, I’m going to create a fb page!”

So I sat down with a hot drink, opened up my fb and started to read the instructions…or as I call them destructions, because that’s what they always do to me.

Well I managed to create the page,

I even figured out how to link both Alienhippy and Listening through the Loops to the same page. I invited my friends and other blogs to follow and made the page look pretty with my art.

Then it came to adding the widget to my website.

My Aspieness HATES the “NOT KNOWING” it starts up my loops.

I have learnt this about myself so I got onto my personal Facebook and posted this as my status.

Ok, can anyone help? I have opened a fb page for my blog. I haven’t got a clue how to create a widget for my side bar. Can anyone write me a simple list of instructions to follow….PLEASE!!!!!

I then posted this on my new fb page, a little while later when the loops started to kick in.

Hello all lovely bloggy friends, I have managed to link both my blogs to this page. But I still can’t figure out how to create the fb page widget for the side bar.
Can anyone help please. 🙂

My lovely friend Fi from Wonderfully Wired left me a message saying she would meet me on skype and talk me through it. We live on opposite sides of the world so to arrange a time it had to be the next morning.

Fi is a wonderful friend and she understands ALL.TOO.WELL what my Aspie brain is like. She’s a wonderful Mum to Aspie kids, she adores her kids and does everything she can to make sure they feel loved and accepted.

My lovely friend sees what it’s like to have a brain that never stops, she lives it with her kids.

She knew my brain would start looping and that I would have problems sleeping because of this.

Only those with an ASD or those who love and look out for those on the spectrum will understand what this is like.

Fi creates social stories for her kids all the time and she also knows how to help me when I’m stuck in a loop.

I think sometimes this happens because my Aspie nature wants to learn but my dyslexia slows me down.

So my lovely friend sent me the following email.

This is how I need instruction to look, this way they are NOT destructions

(If you care for a child/adult on the Spectrum, or someone with dyslexia, this is the kind of loving support they need to thrive. Following this email I was able to put widgets on both of my blogs in less than 10 minutes)

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Sign in to your blog and then go to: http://en.support.wordpress.com/facebook-badge/

The page should look like this:

Click on the highlighted bit that says :  “Facebook Profile badges page”

Then click on “page badge” (the bottom right one)


Click on “other” and  box with a code will appear.


Like this:

Click in this box and the whole thing will highlight like it has above..

Right click now and copy it. You will use it soon.

Now open a new window and go to your blog’s dashboard and the section that says “widgets”

(it’s under the appearance category)

Like this:

Click on WIDGETS and you will come to this next page:


Now…..find the box that says text, it looks like this:

And drag it into the your sidebar.
It will then open and  look like this:


All you have to do now is paste the code you copied earlier into this box

Now click save and you’re finished!

Volia!!!!

I’ll still Skype you but I thought if you wake up unable to sleep because this is driving you crazy – at least now you can do something about it!

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AND…..

Yes I know, I’m very blessed to have such a loving, accepting, patient, kind and wonderful friend.

I love her to bits and I thank God for her everyday.

Love and hugs everyone. xx 🙂

What about the Telly???

The Alienhippy household has a new telly...YAY!!!

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’m in the mood for a babble so bear with me…it’s good for me to babble out a blog post.

I’ll tell you why… it saves me talking non-stop and frightening people off with my ranting and seemingly obsessive chat on things of NO interest WHAT.SO.EVER to most people….LOL

My son *AJ has this saying when he is cooking,

it goes…

“Bacon is GOOOOOOOD for me, homena, homena, homena!!!!”

Well mine goes,

“Writing is GOOOOOOOD for me, homena, homena, homena!!!!

Ok…on from the craziness Lisa.

My post today is about my TELLY.

“What about your telly?” I hear your thoughts!

DON’T click off just yet, I’m just getting started.

We bought our telly 7 years ago, it was a RATHER expensive box telly,

that took us 5 years to pay off.

It also took up half my living room….hehehe,

British houses are quite small you know, unless you are rich.

If I was rich I wouldn’t be blogging about my telly now , would I ?! Well, would I ?!

Over the last 2 years (since the warranty ran out) it has been far from reliable.

Well this week it finally died.

How does this affect a family of ASD’s???

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Does that answer your question???

  • NO… set TV times, favourite programmes have ALL been missed!
  • NO… repetitive DVD watching, boo-hoo, I LOVE my films they give me an escape from my brain.
  • NO… PS3, wii or XBOX time…OMGOODNESS, this nearly killed us.

My little *CAL has been begging *AJ for his laptop and time watching the only other telly in our home, which is in his bedroom.

This was alright while he was on his own, or out.

But when his friends and girlfriend visit it’s REALLY not cool to have your 10 year old sister sitting in your bedroom, when you’re nearly 18.

Well yesterday the brown stuff hit the fan.

My *CAL came home from school wanting to watch her chill out/downtime programmes.

The telly just WOULD NOT come on.

My sister popped in with little *J and she was shocked that we had managed for SO long without a reliable TV.

I realised that I hadn’t really been coping

I’ve just been putting up with the crappy electricals that seem to surround me.

But my *CAL is a routine girl and just the other day I found her rocking in front of the blank screen. The telly had gone off while she was watching a favourite film and it threw her into a state of shock, she shutdown and got so emotional. It took me an age to calm her.

Mr Locoman doesn’t see ANY of this

He is always at work, but yesterday he was home early.  🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂 Giggle giggle snort.

I think *CAL finally convinced him that we need a telly.

Either that or my constant nagging hint dropping finally sank in…. 😉 😉

Or… perhaps there is a footy match coming up soon that he doesn’t want to miss.

Who knows, who cares….I’ve got a new telly now anyway.

It’s a sexy flat telly…NOT a great big monstrously, hideous, humongus box.

It looks SO pretty compared to the last one.

I just need to buy some cable tidies and then redecorate the living to show it off better…yes I really am that weird, but wonderfully wired too as my lovely friend Fi keeps telling me. 😉 xx

Once I start something I am SO VERY focussed, I actually ended up re-arranging my whole living room last night.

It just didn’t balance with the new telly, everything had to be moved. It’s all in place now and balanced quite well.

So…Guess what the first thing was that was put on…. yep, you guessed correctly it was the wii.

I’m so looking forward to watching my films later, it’s got to be, “The Time Machine” first I think.

I’m that excited, I’m doing my happy-dance.

Love, hugs and don’t forget to enjoy your Telly. xx 🙂

The Alienhippy mii portrait

Smells, shutdowns and grieving.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Strange title isn’t it, but I really didn’t know what else to call it.

I’m trying to piece something together at the moment, so I’m just going to babble and go off on Aspie tangents and I’ll see what I come up with. I have already made a few links and connections in my thoughts and reactions…Ooo that rhymes, there maybe a poem about to be born…giggle.

No, poems come at the end of prayers for me.

This is what has been happening

Yesterday I had a mega meltdown, I felt it coming on before I went to work. I held it together and then when I got home it exploded. I was a complete mess. I got so emotional I was throwing up and my crying was so loud my sister actually heard it from outside the house. She was dropping some food off for my dogs, she stayed with me and had a cup of tea. I calmed down while she was with me and then started up again when she left. I can’t cry in front of anyone, I don’t know why. I have learnt to swallow it and pretend so well now.

I pushed it all down and got on with being Mom

I can do this, it just means forgetting I exist and focussing on something else. I went to a supermarket and walked straight past one of my close friends, I didn’t even see her. She saw me and called me but it took me about 10 seconds to place who she was.

The amount of emotion made no sense, the thought that was looping didn’t match the hurt I was feeling. I was grieving but I didn’t understand this at the time.

Today at work it all came together.

I am on first aid this week, I have a lot of crying children to look after. I feel their hurt and upset, I want to hug them make them feel better, but child protection rules say NO! Everything has to be written down and to the book. I find filling in ALL the accident books and forms hard with my dyslexia.

So add up the sensory…

Hurt child means crying and emotion…I know I absorb emotion.

Also I am overloaded with paperwork which I can do but I’m slow at it, so when I have 4-5 kids all crying in a small room it is quite draining.

But this is what pulled it all together…. Hand washing, and using hand sanitizer.

I didn’t realise the smell of alcohol hand rub was giving me visual loops and past conversations. I am so used to my head being so busy I just block out what I don’t want to remember.

October 2004, age 55, my Mom died.

I spent every week day for the last 3 years of her life helping to care for her because she was so poorly. My Dad was her carer, he is very Autistic and needs prompting with everything. Me and my sister did this because Mom was too ill to.

The last week of her life in intensive care I was at the hospital constantly and I must have sanitized my hands a thousand times.

Today I zoned out after filling in the accident books

In my head I sat at my Mom’s hospital bed holding her hand talking to her, while the machine kept her alive. I saw her open her eyes and smile at me and mouth the words, “I love you!” I smiled and said, “I love you too, Mom!” Then she said, “I love you more!”

A while ago I wrote something about my understanding of  grieving

This is what I wrote….

I think grieving for those on the spectrum takes longer.

This is what I think about my own grieving for my Mom.

First of all, when I cry it physically hurts…so I don’t like crying.

I understand now that crying is a release but I can only do this with God.

I can’t cry around people I have to isolate myself first.

My visuals are so real that I can still visit my Mom in my head.

This can loop for days, I can still have the conversations we used to have so when I come away from that and realise she has gone, I have to work through it all again.

As well, Mom was my best friend she let me be me, she listened and we laughed together.

I miss talking to her, communication is hard with most people so when you lose anyone you can talk to it is devastating.

Being an Aspie is VERY lonely. We want to talk and have friends but people get bored of us and use us.

We get excited about relationships and then let down.

My Mom was always there for me, so when this happened I had someone who understood and looked after me.

Hugs don’t change anything for us. We want to feel loved but it’s through being listened to and knowing that someone will be there.

Also as an adult I don’t like to cry, because I know once I start it becomes uncontrollable.
I have years of shutdowns and meltdowns under my belt and I know how they affect those around me, as well as how they drain me.
I don’t want to hurt those around me so I hold it in and I hurt myself instead.
So…in a way, to actually grieve I have to feel that I can, and that those I love can cope with me being a mess.

I really don’t know how long it will take

For me to stop hurting everyday about my Mom. I am glad I have found what was triggering such misplaced emotion and confusion. But I know that this is only one trigger. I can see now that I can’t always understand what is causing hurt within me.

I have my counselling on Friday so I will bring this up then.

I’m feeling fine by the way

I get a lot out of writing and sharing my journey.

Also… I know that when I share my friends pray, and I believe in the power of prayer.

I’ll let you know what my counsellor comes up with.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂