FEAR…we all suffer from fear
We all have things, situations, experiences and people in our lives that cause this reaction inside of us. It’s natural and can be helpful, but what if this is confused and misplaced. Some of us can push through and conquer fear and some of us run and hide or find ways to distract from even thinking about what scares us. What happens if you grow up not knowing you have Aspergers syndrome and everything you live causes fear, because the only way you seem to learn is by doing or observing. Making mistakes constantly and never really understanding what you did wrong.
Fear of rejection is something I struggle with.
Those who know and love me understand how I struggle with this. It can come on quite suddenly, and most of the time, I don’t have a clue why. Only when I become still and go to prayer am I able to reflect and sometimes find what has caused it. Also I find with prayer and meditation I am able to find the real me, not the reaction that fear can cause. My sister pointed out to me that when I’m not close to God, and the fear is talking, it can sound very angry or paranoid, she knows that this is not who I truly am.
So this got me thinking,
How do people with Aspergers cope without faith? I’m only pondering this thought, I know people do cope very well without a faith, but I didn’t.
I know when I lost my faith for four years I had to distract myself by doing a LOT of gardening. It was the loneliest time of my life. I found digging would calm my anger and frustration, but I never really felt calm. I was constantly having to keep busy and I just couldn’t sit still at all.
But I had always had a faith, then my trusting nature was abused by a false doctrine and I became angry with God. I didn’t see the real cause of my hurt, I misplaced my anger as well as my fear.
So I was wondering about Aspies who have never had a faith, how do you get past fear and loneliness without becoming hard towards others because I couldn’t do that. I had to isolate myself and that wasn’t very nice.
Friendships and Acquaintances
As an Aspie one of the hardest things to understand for me is friendships and acquaintances. I know myself I am extremely intense and I get so excited about chatting with people I tend to tell them way too much and not be able to recognise that I am boring the crap out of them.
Even though I have learnt to look for signs with body language and facial expression, when I am excited about chatting my brain is visualising, flashing pictures and forming words to try to explain. Plus I’m having to deal with happy feelings because someone is giving me attention, so I giggle a lot. I don’t spot everything and usually I can only focus on either talking or listening. I don’t always get when it’s time to speak or keep quiet, I find that quite hard especially in a group conversation.
(I tend to avoid groups if I can)
When I get chatty and excited I can then loop afterwards because I have said that much I can’t remember what I have said. So, I then worry I have said something wrong and the person I liked enough to want to chat to, will avoid me in future.
I have a way of helping myself with friendship using circles
I have to understand where a person is in relationship to myself. How much I should say and how much I can trust them, also the types of things I should talk about with certain people, or NOT talk about in my case….hehehe. I have been very VERY hurt by not being able to understand peoples motives behind friendship. I hadn’t realised that some people only use people for their own gain. I have misunderstood and given my heart to people in my past that have abused my trusting nature. I think this is what has caused the fear.
So what I have learned about myself recently
I am constantly looking for similarities to past experiences. I am expecting to get rejected because this has always been the pattern. After years of rejection at school and as a young adult, I then started looking for the signs to try to protect myself from the hurt I felt so deeply. Usually when I noticed a similarity I would then pull away from the person because I didn’t want to feel that hurt again. I love having friends and those friends I am close to I love so very much, the thought of losing them causes me a lot of hurt and fear that I have to work through.
I need to stop looking at past similarities,
I’ve already learned those lessons, I need to look to differences, all people are unique creations. We all make mistakes and we all have been hurt by others. I believe that it’s how we deal or don’t deal with that hurt that makes all the difference. We have the opportunity to grow or not, the choice is ours.
What comes to mind for me with this.
The Bible helps me to understand that God created me to be me. I have hidden who I am, out of fear, for way too long. I find it very hard living by the unwritten, unspoken rules of this world, they change so often and don’t seem very loving sometimes. I know that because I feel this way I find it even harder to fit in with the social mass. But I don’t think I want to really, I have tried to for so long and I find it so very draining. I love God and I find it so much easier to stick with Him, He takes away the confusion for me.
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command.”
And He did, Jesus lay down His life for me and for you, for those crucified either side of him. That is what makes Jesus the best friend anyone can have. I am still learning to accept that I can have such a friend. Everyday that scripture blows my mind, that I can be Jesus’ friend. That He accepts me just as I am.
Also there is this scripture in 1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
As a child before the hurt of life and conformity.
I found it very easy to accept Jesus as my friend, to feel that I was allowed to be His friend too.
There was no complications or confusion, just a simple, innocent and accepting,
“I know you love me Jesus!”
Somewhere along the path of life…I don’t know where,
I stopped feeling like I was lovable. This fear stems from a form of self punishment. Maybe it’s because I always felt I did everything wrong. I don’t know, but I trust that now I am seeing this God will bring me answers.
I have wonderful friends and God wants me to have wonderful friends. The fear I go through is misplaced and I now realise that it can stay where it belongs, in the past with those who actually caused it.
I don’t need to accept punishment, I am a new creation.
Love and hugs everyone.
Lisa. xx 🙂