Heart Smiles

Heart Smiles

“Life’s little luxuries” is what first came to mind as a title but when I Googled images for this it was not at all what I was looking for. I’m thinking more along the lines of “Mumble Moments” You know the little tap dancing penguin in HAPPY FEET. His happy-dance was his heart song!

Anyone who knows anything about ASD knows those moments of happy-dancing, or happy-flapping. As an adult Aspie I have learned how NOT to let my body get the better of me (most of the time) but inside I still feel it. I still feel the excitement and joy wanting to explode but I know how ridiculous and eccentric I would look. Shame really that society has this pressure to conform. So I have to hold it in a lot of the time, but I do allow my heart to smile.

I woke up early with a moment of inspiration

I very often share precious moments in my day, the ones that make my heart smile on my Facebook as a status. Most times these precious moments are missed, they get lost and forgotten. I then feel sad that no one danced with me or may just think I am strange.

Those who are closest to me know how intensely deep I can be at times. They also know how incredibly silly I can be too. They know how I have an overflow of me to share because my happy-dance is dying to get out. I have come to realise that maybe Facebook is not really the place for my “WOW….God you are SO amazingly awesome!” moments.

I have decided to share them here instead.

I have added a page that I have called Heart Smiles, you can see it at the top where you can also find my Home, About and Contact pages. At first I thought that this could be a weekly post, but as I am writing I feel it needs to be more of a “Whenever the Spirit moves” kind of thing. I originally did think of writing a list of ten, but which ten? So I am now feeling that maybe just sharing my Heart Smiles and Mumble Moment one at a time, with anything else that God inspires, is the best thing for me to do.

So here is one of my heart smiles to share with my lovely Bloggy friends.

Dancing Petals.

vaporgod.com

My heart is smiling as I see the pretty pink cherry blossoms falling in the breeze, bridal confetti sprinkled by God for all his beloved. As it is blown and tossed across the road and paths, I see the smiles on the faces of little children. I see their eyes light up as they see this little luxury sent from heaven. I watch and it lifts my spirit and as it dances and twirls so do I in my mind and heart. It’s covering the parked cars, like little pink polka dots only more natural and far more beautifully arranged. Perfect falling sweetness sticking to the cars as they land because of an earlier shower. I smile again and giggle to myself as I think of all those car lovers wanting their cars kept shiny. What a blessing to see and to taste that the Lord is good!

2 Samuel 6:14 (GNT)

David, wearing only a linen cloth around his waist, danced with all his might to honour the Lord.

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His Eye is on the Sparrow, His hand is on my heart.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Sometimes you just know when God is speaking to you and other times life can be so noisy we just can’t hear Him. I am a big believer in getting quiet time each day, because I know that if I don’t, it makes my Autistic traits far worse for me to cope with.

This morning as I was reading my favourite Christian blogs I was reminded of an old post of mine. It’s funny how God does that, nothing quite as challenging as seeing your own words. I have been feeling that I needed to find ways of…

“Just being me!” again.

Since coming out Aspie there have been a lot of hurtful things said to me and I have gotten to the point now where I feel I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. People will either accept me for who I am or they won’t.

So I just want to say…Thank you God for loving me.

Also I would like to thank Richard for being just who he is,

“Richard your posts are a blessing my friend.”

This is the link to Richards post, Speaking Silently.

Richard is very real and his sharing of his walk with Jesus is very honest and open.

Love and hugs everyone and enjoy the re-post.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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His Eye is on the Sparrow.

(November 21, 2010)

When I first started blogging I was in hiding.

I had gotten to a point of near breakdown and the world was just too much for me to handle. I only shared my Art and Poetry to start with. I didn’t really talk to anyone. A very special person came along and started to help me. She became my first friend and helped me to open up and start sharing a little of myself through my blog.

I have made lots of friends through my blog since and you are all very dear to me. Because of the encouragement from bloggyland I am learning to be me.

~

God certainly works in mysterious ways

Who’d have guessed that He would come and find me hiding in the internet…God is so good!

But…I guess He did send a big fishy to fetch Jonah….giggle… I’m, so strange. Where do these thoughts come from???

When my internet first started to play up I sent my lovely friend an email, from my sisters. My friend told me to reach out to God because He will pick me up.

I have been doing this, because I have felt very cut off and really quite alone. I didn’t realise how much we all used the internet it’s just something we do without thinking.

Anyway…..

I prayed about this obviously (in my childlike way) I asked God to switch it back on again, first of all.

“Had a little bit of an Aspie meltdown…or was it a tantrum Lisa?” Thank you little voice, I know. You don’t have to keep butting in. I will tell them.

Then I thought… well what can I learn from this???

Well… now I know!

I love my blog, and all my bloggy friends. I miss going onto YouTube and watching my videos, I can’t watch the TV it causes me to much negative and then it cycles.

I miss reading my friends blogs, seeing how you all are.

I miss my comments and replying to my comments.

I miss searching around on Google looking for cartoons to go with my posts.

I love that I can entertain myself doing this. I often can’t stop giggling while looking.

This morning I woke up and just wanted to sing to God.

I had had a dream, quite a strange dream actually where I was chatting with God.

God said to me, in this dream, that when I sing it comes straight from my heart and sounds beautiful to Him.

Then I said to God, “But I think my voice sounds awful God!”

Then He giggled and said…”By the time it comes to me it is perfect, so keep singing to me.”

So this morning I woke up all excited about singing to God.

I ran downstairs in my Jim-Jams, into the conservatory, grabbed my guitar and sang to Jesus.

I was looking out onto my garden, its autumn here and there are leaves everywhere.

Right outside my window a little girl Sparrow perched on the fence only 3 feet away from me.

She looked straight at me. I could see her little dark eyes. She kept tilting her little head from side to side listening to me sing.

Now I know birds do this, I once had an aviary full of Budgies and I kept Chickens for year. I also had a pet Parrot called Po-Po who I loved so much.

I can tell when a bird is listening.

AND….NO, I am not mad…I know what I saw….giggle.

I carried on singing and kept repeating the song thinking she would fly off soon, but she didn’t.

She just stayed there looking straight at me listening to every word I sang to God. Bless her little sweetness.

Eventually I stopped singing and put my guitar down.  I smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” and I nodded my head to her.

She hopped closer nodded back and flew off.

I just thought WOW….God sent a Sparrow to listen to me sing to Him.

Today I went back to my old Church

I left 18 months ago feeling very misunderstood and quite hurt. I told the people (I needed to tell) that I have Aspergers Syndrome.

I told them how the Church had not been the best environment at times for some of my ways.

I also told them that I love my Christian brothers and sisters all around the world, in fact I love all people, but I am an Aspie and that makes me a little different.

I explained that I will only be doing what I feel God wants me to do, and I will not be made to feel guilty for not always being able to cope with the environment of the Church.

I also said I know God made me this way, and I am just the way I am supposed to be.

I was welcomed back with open arms and they accepted what I said…for now anyway.

SO…..

My Aspie-happy is out again. This time it’s the real one, not the one behind a mask.

I went to Church dressed in my happy clothes, because I am a multi coloured Rainbow.

And

The negativity I carried in my heart for 18 months has been completely turned upside down.

Blogging is certainly helping me, and I thank all of you. XX 🙂

Colander hat invention

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Image from Google

“Wash the plate not because it’s dirty nor because you’re told to wash it, but because you love the person who’ll use it next.”

~ Mother Teresa

I was thinking on this quote today while washing up at the kitchen sink. I was also thinking of how Jesus came as a servant. I was pondering on the difference between deeds done in love and deeds done in service or duty. Just a few thoughts to wrestle with and what I came up with is it’s a heart thing. An understanding of being loved so a want and a need to give love also. This is hard if we have never felt loved or accepted for who we are.

I bought a new colander not long ago

It’s an old fashioned stainless steel one. I wasn’t really using it but I have recently had a kitchen clear out and it’s getting used now. I lifted the colander out of the sink and watched the soapy water trickle through the holes, I did this a few times and smiled as it brought back a memory.

Bath time screaming…oh my, did I scream at bath time!

Like a lot of Autistic kids I had a terrible fear of water going in my eyes, down my ears, up my nose and dripping down my face. My Dad was the only one who I would let wash my hair. He invented for me the colander hat.

This would be strapped, right side up, on my head and I held a flannel over my eyes while keeping my fingers in my ears. Then my Dad poured water into the colander with a jug to rinse the shampoo off. I know it sounds bizarre but with Autistic kids parents do what is needed to get the job done. I’m one of a kind really! Love me or don’t!

I believe now that my Dad invented this hat out of total love for his little girl because he is also Autistic. He would have remembered that fear, he would have remembered the sensory confusion. The strange feel of water creeping and moving on the sensitive parts of his face. Both my kids have been the same and I have known to use the shower to wash the soap off their heads, keeping well clear of their faces. In the 70’s though we only had a bath, showers were not fitted in tiny little UK town houses.

Putting people in moulds

I have recently written quite a lot about people having expectations and judging others on the idea they have of who/how/what a person should be. It is something I have been working through personally and will probably always be praying about and aware of in myself and others.

As a teen, in my 20’s, 30’s and right up to now I have done this with my Dad. When my Mom died I wanted him to be the Dad that I wanted him to be. I missed my Mom so desperately, I still do, I wanted him to make me feel better. I haven’t always seen that he is hurting too. I also struggle to accept his Autism and how it affects him. I accept my kids traits because I love them unconditionally, but I have had unrealistic expectations of my Dad that he can never fulfil.

My Dad has always been an inventor

Our kids call him Grandad Fixit. He’s a fixer, a builder and a carpenter by trade. He always smelt of wood when I was a kid. He worked for 40 years making coffins and he provided a home and an income for his wife and 3 kids. No one he worked with ever talked to him, he lacks social skills and can’t communicate well at all. Those he worked with teased him for this. My Dad has an identical twin so he wasn’t alone, he has always worked with his brother, they have been together and suffered this ridicule all their lives. Both at school and in every job they have had.

My Dad and my Uncle *What* (I call him that because he could never understand me as a child) sit together every day for their tea break and listened to the other guys laughing at them for being odd. It breaks my heart now when he tells me the things they say and he can’t defend himself.

I have felt hurt by my Dad most of my life

Not because he has meant to hurt me, I know he loves me. It’s because I was putting him in a mould of who/how/what I thought he should be as my Dad. I think I’m starting to understand this now.

God’s love is not a love of conditions, we serve not out of duty but because we love. We love because He first loved us and accepted us for who we are, as we are, with no conditions. Unconditional love that is freely given that God wants FOR us to accept and receive.

His forgiveness….grace and mercy.

Daddy loves me, he made a bath time hat to help me with my fears.

My Heavenly Father gave His Son, His love wipes away my tears.

2 Corinthians 5:13-21

New International Version 1984

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

This is the song I was listening to while washing up.

JJ Heller, Keep you safe.

Image from Google

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My lovely friend Angel sent me this video yesterday, I just had to share it!

Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

A sturdy cardboard box, covered with retro funky 70’s orange floral wallpaper. Can you visualise that? I can still see it in my mind 33 years later!

Inside this box is a collection of lost and missing pieces from games, jigsaws, Lego sets. Action mans missing boot and Cindy’s lost tiara. Not to mention a few marbles, ball bearings, coloured pencils and even a few toy soldiers.

Yes, it is the lost and found and I can’t be bothered to go and sort these things out right now. I’m a very busy young Mom and I have FAR TOO much to do looking after these hyperactive kids and my moody hubby….I loved my Mom SO VERY MUCH! Thinking of her makes me smile! 🙂

My Dad built an extension on our home

We called it the playroom and it was filled with all of our toys. It was lovely in the summer, it had a terracotta tiled floor and the door opened onto the back garden. Our black Labrador (RAF) would go in and out as he pleased, following my beloved ginger tom cat Sammy. In the winter though our playroom was absolutely freezing, so me and my brother would grab a box of toys…actually we’d grab a few boxes of toys, and bring them into the living room.

The contents would then get emptied out ALL OVER the living room floor and we would play quite happily or fight over things. Mom would find all our bits under the furniture when she vacuumed. Sometimes she’d find them down the sides of the furniture, under the rug and even behind the telly if we’d been throwing things at each other. She’d then put our bits in the box.

Two Aspie kids playing our own games

As we got older my little brother became even more disorganised and I became the bossy little organiser. He would use books to build ramps for his wind-up Evel Knievel and he’d mess up the playroom something terrible. He’d mess it up SO badly that I just couldn’t cope with it actually. My bedroom became my safe place, a place of calm and order. I kept my special toys in my bedroom where I knew they wouldn’t get hurt. Notice I say *hurt* and not broken. I’ll write a post about that another time.

Thinking out side of the box

I knew that if any of my toys, puzzle pieces, bricks or bits from the Lego models were missing they would be in the box. It was just a case of going and mooching through. There was always the risk of Mom saying, “Now you’re in the box you can put things were they should be!”

I didn’t realise that this method of lost and found, find and sort was something I was STILL using until a few days ago. My computer was returned and it had been rebuilt with EVERYTHING completely wiped off. Have you ever seen a grown Aspie burst into tears because her collections and projects have all disappeared. You get the picture, I went into shutdown.

I am extremely visual and I love to collect

I had so many files of images, links and quotes that I enjoyed and could recall when I had filtered through my mix up of thoughts and loops. I had slide shows I could put on of Art I had collected. Old photos I had scanned and could find in seconds to help me with processing memories. I had 100’s of fractals I had made, 3D designer projects and landscaping I had created. Also my SPORE progress was lost, I was on the last level and I really liked the world I had created there. 😦

Over the last few days I have avoided writing

I’ve not really been able to cope with sitting at my desk. I’ve just been doing stuff from my mobile and my netbook. I know how ridiculous this will sound to some people. Those who understand the difficulties Aspies/Auties have will totally understand where I am coming from. My computer is like a friend to me, now I’m having to work at getting to know it again. I don’t cope well with change and I’m really not good with loss.

I have been thinking a lot of a post I read about Lego

A LEGO Life by my Bloggy friend Richard at “Where Living Begins”

I read this post 2 days before my computer was returned and it made me really think about my life. It’s still making me think actually! The scripture Richard added was this…

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven:a time to break down, and a time to build up

(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3).

Richard’s post is excellent, I love how he sees God in the everyday things. This post helped me to start putting my pieces back together. I don’t know what I’m building yet, as always the instructions have not been included, so I’m making it up as I go along. It’s an exciting adventure though. I trust God with this, He always provides what I need. I might not understand His ways but I can lean on His promises and accept His unconditional love.

I started a blog for my collecting

I didn’t intend to tell anyone about it, it is just storage really. But last night one of my subscribers from Alienhippy accidently found it and subscribed. Those who know me REALLY well know that when things happen like this, I see God-incidences. My storage and collecting blog is like my Mom’s retro box full of bits n bobs. I don’t know half the time why I collect what I collect, but I like to be able to find things easily when my thoughts start making tangent jumps and pulling together parts and pieces to help me move forward. To help me understand who I am in time and space. To help me make sense of the past and it’s pains. To help me share my journey and whatever else I feel God wants me to share.

Here is the link

Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego

You can read more about this on my about pages.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Jesus calms my storm

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Today is the day my PC goes in for repair; I still have my netbook so I won’t be disappearing. I will say though that my Autism is pretty ridiculous when it comes to parting with my faithful friend. Any other Aspie relate here. Giggle. 🙂

I KNOW it’s only a computer but anyone who knows ANYTHING about those of us with an ASD, and how we communicate, will totally get where I am coming from with this.

I was reading some email notifications from my mobile this morning and I TOTALLY loved reading this devotional. It helped me so much!

“Be Still and Know” Sharon Jaynes (GIG)

Also this post

“Faith to follow” Where Living Begins

I sat and pondered/prayed on these for a while and remembered a post I wrote back in July. I put it on my “Listening through the Loops” blog because part of me still feels if I let people REALLY know me they will judge me and my way of thinking. My Loops blog is a place where I can be creative and so in a way I’m still hiding who I am. I think most of us who have grown up not knowing we are on the spectrum always feel just that little bit alien. We fear the rejection we have felt all our lives.

I read a quote the other day that stuck in my mind.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”— Virginia Woolf

Many Aspies/Auties know this to be true. I know I certainly do. There are so many things that cause our minds confusion. Environments and people that cause us to shutdown/meltdown feel a failure. But we are not; this world may tell us we are, but we are not. We can find that peace when we find our own ways of coping with the battering of our senses and the attacks on our being. We can’t always understand, and may walk around oblivious sometimes, but we find ways. These ways may look odd to some people, but those who love and accept see past this and see the people we are.

As we all know those wonderful words.

“I am different, not less!” (Temple Grandin Quotes)

So here is a little bit of the me I’m created to be

The me from when I’m “Listening through the Loops”

My special place (taken with my mobile, when I wrote this)

The sound of no sound!

With her thoughts came a rising breeze and an echo of a time past. Her mind was filled with echoes on this day; some of them brought a smile, a warm feeling of love and acceptance. Others, they just caused a loop of despair. On this day those echoes were not being too friendly, they were torturing her peace and she couldn’t stop them.

She froze, as if a moment of clarity had awakened a deeper understanding. Concentration caught her. She listened for the breeze, trying to raise it above the sound of no sound. She could hear this so clearly, but others didn’t seem to know of its existence.

What is the sound of no sound, it’s not silence. We all know silence it can bring us peace when we accept it, give to it our truth within. Silence can also bring loneliness when we don’t tune to who we are, waiting on others to change our perception.

No sound is the buzz that lingers in the mind of those who cannot block it out. It is always there, it’s the one that never stops. It causes every other noise to merge with the voices and makes understanding impossible. The no sound is the distraction that causes mistakes, taking away the revelation given within the peace.

The buzz inside her head was escalating and she knew it was only moments before she had to get away from herself. She had frozen, her thoughts had frozen and nothing seemed real.

She needed to go; she walked the familiar steps to her special place. She heard within herself those words so gentle, words so calming, words that were not her own.

“Be still and know!”

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What I read while sat in my special place

Psalm 46

Psalm 23

Psalm 40

Mark 4:35-41

Smears on my windows

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I cleaned the windows today!

I know it’s SO interesting isn’t it? But before you run off I had a lot of thoughts while cleaning and a lot of clarity to what I have been feeling. So keep reading and I’ll share what I found helpful.

I really love to write

I know that my spelling isn’t great and I’m so grateful that God inspired someone to create spellcheck. Without spellcheck I wouldn’t have the confidence to blog. But even with spellcheck my spelling, punctuation and grammar are not the best. Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I struggle to feel accepted, you know how I fear rejection and also how my Aspergers and dyslexia cause visual loops and an inability to process or even understand at times.

Longing for communication and connection

I feel that everyone longs for connection, to feel loved and accepted for who they are. People on the spectrum are just the same, we may seem to shy away from friendships but that is because we are misread, misunderstood and we see things differently. We can’t always maintain eye contact because we can’t think/understand/process all that information at the same time. Some of us can speak and act really well, so well in fact we look like we fit. However we have this big aching void inside of us because who we really are is trapped and never allowed to be shown.

I am what is called high functioning and I have learned to conform. Only a very few people really know me, my bloggy friends know more about me than the people I see every day. Communication and connection comes easier for me through writing. Only my close family and one friend can cope with me in a meltdown. I have one friend I allow to see me when I am shutdown. I know she understands me, accepts me and loves me for who I am. I feel very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

So back to cleaning windows

My Aspie brain is very good at dictating a post while I’m busy. Cleaning windows is no exception. I’m quite fussy with windows, I wrote a poem about it once.

Here is the link for anyone wanting a giggle.

When I’m cleaning windows

Those who know me personally, know I could NEVER have an iPad or touchscreen mobile because I see every finger print and have to wipe it off. Finger prints and smears really do drive me mad, it seems they become my total focus. I wish I could change it I really do.

I was cleaning my bedroom windows and making sure I had no smears when I realised how focused I was on the glass and not seeing my cat on the fence looking at me. This reminded me of the time when I was in a religious sect and I was so focused on the scriptures, and making people see them as I did, that I didn’t see the people. I didn’t see their hurt, who they were or how they loved. We are all unique and how we love is unique too.

I was speaking with Mr Locoman about this

We talked about a railway group he knows. There are those who go because they have a deep passion for locomotives, and there are those who know a lot about locomotives. Then there are people who want to learn and people who want to share and those who want to feel part of something.

Each person has equal status but sometimes we can be so caught up in the fingerprints we forget to see through the glass.

I’m being abstract but I’m sure someone will understand me.

I cleaned the windows, hubby cleaned the car

I was driving *AJ and *DWKlymax to the gym this evening. It was dark and as I was driving I noticed a smear on my windscreen. For just a few seconds I stopped looking outwards and focused too much on the imperfection. A teenage girl wearing all black walked out into the road. I am so glad I didn’t focus on the smear for too long. I could have ploughed her down.

I know it’s not the same for everyone

For me though, my Bible can be like this. I believe that God’s word needs to be digested by each of His children in the way He gives to them. We are all created differently and we all hear God in the way He choses to reveal Himself to us and in us.

I learned the hard way not to use scripture to put my point across, who am I anyway, I’m just Lisa, we are all just a mist. If God uses me then I feel blessed by that. The scriptures I share on my blog and with friends are those that inspire me or those that have helped me. My opinion or my interpretation of scripture is for me, I share my ups and my downs. I share how God helps me, how He carries me through my dark times and dances with me in my joy.

That’s right, in my understanding

Our Heavenly Father is the bestest Happy-Dancer there is!

In the words of the song that’s looping in my head while I write this post,

“If you could see what I can see when I’m cleaning windows!”

For me I have to read, inwardly digest through prayer and then live life in His unconditional love. Accepting myself with all my imperfections and loving others for who they are. This is far more of a challenge for me than using scripture.

If I focus on Jesus, He will teach me to see through His eyes and He is the true word of God. I’m learning to see through windows in His way, in the time I have here, before the glorious time of being with Him.

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I love this song, I know I have shared it before!