It’s so easy to take me apart!

wonderfullywired.wordpress.com

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Wonderfully Wired is what I’m learning to see

My wonderful friend Fi helps me so much with this. How? It’s so very simple really….she loves and accepts me for me! She accepts my quirky ways and doesn’t put unrealistic expectations on our friendship. She also prays for me and my family. This is something I have never had in a friendship before, but it is something I have always prayed for.

In my last post I said I’d been inspired by one of the photos Fi had sent to me. So I’m going to share some thoughts I had about it.

Let’s talk about an Autistic trait of mine…

Analysis

Analysis is the process of breaking a complex topic or substance into smaller parts to gain a better understanding of it. The technique has been applied in the study of mathematics and logic since before Aristotle (384–322 B.C.), though analysis as a formal concept is a relatively recent development.

The word is a transcription of the ancient Greek ἀνάλυσις

(analusis, “a breaking up”, from ana- “up, throughout” and lysis “a loosening”)

Taken from Wikipedia

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Taking things apart is something a lot of ASD kids do

Not just kids though adults do it as well, I really enjoy taking things apart it’s like an adventure into another world. It’s a time of discovery and learning in my own way and in my own time. Not too long ago I took an old computer apart, just for fun, and collected all the pieces that I know I can use in a sculpture one day, when I get the time that is…. 🙂

When I’m taking something apart I can see how it all works. I can imagine rebuilding it in new ways. My brain just comes alive and I don’t notice anything else around me. Or anybody actually…I get lost in there, in the WHOLE process of it. AND….it’s so very lovely. 🙂

Putting things together is different

Why?

Instructions…expectations…a feeling of failure and disappointment.

Confusion, complications and always someone telling you you’re doing it all wrong.

I do love solving puzzles though, I just like to do it on my own with no help at all, away from everyone.

Having someone around “hovering” while I am building/making/solving something is very distracting. I have my own way of doing things, but because of how people have been in my past, I’m used to feeling like I do things wrong all the time. So having someone watching me build something (like a flatpack) while trying to follow instructions, actually throws my brain into meltdown mode.

I can keep this in for quite a while now, but as a kid the model, puzzle or board game would get kicked into the air or thrown across the room. I would then stamp off in a vile mood to a safe place, this made me feel guilty and wrong. I would then get REALLY told off for having a “temper tantrum” Yes…that’s what happens unfortunately when you are high functioning or undiagnosed. People have expectations of how you should be, because who you really are is unseen.

The invisible disability…“The invisible people”

Your intelligence in other things is noticed but your behaviour with so called simple things is unrecognised as a difficulty. This caused me a lot of confusion as a child. I felt so clever with some things and so stupid with others.

As a child I had no control over my reactions, my body acted in a way to protect me. I learned as I got older but I also learned to internalise TOO MUCH! I became far too quiet. Even the things I was good at, the things I had gifts with were no-longer enjoyable, I felt I did everything wrong.

Creating is different

With creativity it’s like building something while taking it apart. It gives me both! I see something being built/made/created but also feel the adventure of seeking and discovering. There are no rules in creativity, no instructions, no right or wrong way of doing (or there shouldn’t be)

School changes this, they place rules on the arts, they tech techniques and place expectations. I was always very good at art at school, but on my bad days I couldn’t meet the goals of my teachers.

Lisa is a quiet child with a lot of talent, she is naturally gifted in art, however she needs to try harder. She tends to drift off into daydreams and not finish the work set for her.

(one of my teachers)

I love this quote by Pablo Picasso

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”

It’s so easy to take me apart!

With God’s love I am learning to put me back together.

God’s creativity flows through everything and also through everyone who lets Him in. I’m learning to use my Wonderfully Wired mind to see through my Aspie eyes. True creativity comes NOT from learning techniques and reading from books but from within, from who we are created to be. Creativity and expression are a scary thing to share, but it is also very healing when we do. I have always naturally wanted to learn about the things I love doing, the things I am interested in. My Aspie mind needs to feed on information, when I am interested in something it’s all I can think about.

Fi’s Blog title is…

Wonderfully Wired “Created to be remarkable…”

Created to be remarkable…I see this in my kids and Fi sees it in her kids.

“Different, but not less.” Those of us with spectrummy kids all see this and want everyone else to see it too! It’s not easy being a Mom to kids on the spectrum, not for NT or Aspie Moms. Our kids are unique and wonderful creations. They are blessings from God that we feel a need to protect. We see their quirkiness and we love it. The world however….well, let’s not go there!

As parents to kids with quirks we see its affect every day!

We already know how some people mock that which they are ignorant about, that which they refuse to try to understand.

Bringing awareness to the needs of those on the Spectrum is so very important.

Without people sharing what it’s like there will always be people who tear Aspies/Auties apart.

There will always be the bullies, the manipulators and the abusers. But through sharing our journeys we are building a path for others to walk on. We are making a safe place for others to share. We are telling our stories in the hope that things will change.

I love blogging….. WHY?

Because God has given me a way of taking me apart and building me back up, in a group of loving and accepting friends. In a little community I like to call Bloggyland.

“A place where I can be me!”

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message)

So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.

I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it.

About those two ugly words

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

This is a post I wrote a while back, I found it today and enjoyed reading it. So, I thought I’d repost it!

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I have been wanting to write this post ALL day today. It seems that every time I got onto the computer something else distracted me and consumed HUGE amounts of time causing me to lose my train of thought.

Yesterday I had an online Bible study sent through that really, REALLY helped me to resolve some of my past hurts caused by religion.

Those who follow my blog know that for some time I was in a religious sect, you also know that I’m a Christian and every day seek to find my way to be and become God’s will for my life. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Those who have been in a controlling religious group,

will know, all too well, what it feels like when you hear two certain words,

but keep reading… this may help, it certainly helped me.

The two words I refer to are…..

SUBMISSION

ACCOUNTABILITY

Yep….NOT nice are they!

I have been avoiding reading scripture with these words in for SOME time now.

As an Aspie I don’t just read the words,

I end up going through the whole experience again.

Seeing the people who twisted scripture on me and hearing their voices.

Even feeling the same emotions I was made to go through.

I have tried reading different translations of the Bible that does help.

Also praying for these people and the accountability they were put under to project these scriptures in this way.

Fear is NOT of God.

Submission and accountability is OFFERED out of love, it is NOT put upon a person.

I’m not going to quote scripture or even quote from my Bible study

I’m going to tell you a memory that was brought on by my Bible study, and I believe the way God has helped me to understand what He wants me to understand.

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A memory and a lesson.

When I was a kid my Mom and Dad had a caravan that they took to the nearest seaside town at every opportunity they got.

At this seaside place the sea only comes in for a short time, and there is a LOT of mud to wade through to get from the sand to the sea when it’s out.

Well this never seemed to stop my Mom, she was such fun and she liked to float around on an inner tube.

We’d time it just right and get to the beach when the sea was in.

Mom would go off floating.

Remember she did have an Autistic Husband and three Aspie kids, I’m sure she needed the solitude after being in such a small caravan with us all….giggle.

Now let me explain something here

My Mom was deaf in one ear and had such bad hearing and ear problems she had to block her ears with ear plugs to stop water infecting them. She also used to wear these ridiculously silly swimming hats with flowers all over them… but at least we could see her bobbing around….giggle.

Me, my brother and my Dad, sometimes even my Nan and Grandad too.

Would be sitting, playing on the beach or flying kites and Mom was floating and probably falling asleep.

Every now and then one of the adults would shout her and tell her to kick and paddle herself back up the beach as the tide was taking her side ways.

One time the sea went out quite a distance

Mom couldn’t hear us all calling her, my Dad waded through all the mud and called again.

Mom still couldn’t hear.

So my Dad swam out and brought her back.

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Godly accountability is NOT about control.

Submission is something a person chooses to offer out of love.

As I think now………………

On the words submission and accountability.

As an Aspie I’m good at following rules, so I really do need to think!

I need to think, contemplate, wonder and pray….before offering to be accountable to someone who uses the word submit.

AND…maybe ask myself.

Will this person wade through deep mud and swim in cold water to fetch me because I’m heading, drifting in the wrong direction?

Careful words around ASD kids

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I’ll try to keep this post short I just had this thought while going through some DVD’s. One of the films in our family collection is “Fire in the sky” This is a film that I really CAN’T watch or even listen too.

ALIENHIPPY, why?

My Mom was a hippy….she was all about the love and Jesus, her personality just rippled and touched everyone . My Dad is Alien…I mean TOTALLY Alien. He is very autistic and always looked to Mom for guidance.

Careful words around ASD kids.

A child with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder may not look like they are listening. They will look like they are engrossed in their own activity. Their fingers maybe hyperactive on the buttons of their 3DS/wii or any other gadget. So were mine on my Rubix Cube and ATARI. It’s when we fixate like this that we absorb, we take in EVERYTHING!!!

My irrational fear.

My Dad’s OBSESSION is UFO’s, aliens, and alien abductions. He talked nonstop about these things in front of all three of us kids. Now we all know that when an Aspie/Autie talks about their special interest they never shut up….I get on my own nerves believe me. I have learnt to write it out most of the time now. My Dad can’t read or write so he never has, he just gets on one, then will get annoyed if we don’t listen to him.

I am EXTREMELY visual

All his stories came to life in my head as a child, and no amount of Mom’s reassurance would stop my imagination. To this day I still cannot sleep with windows open.

“Fire in the sky”

I went to see this film when I was about 8 months pregnant with *AJ. I was with a group of friends that I was not particularly confident or comfortable around. Yes… I had ABSOLUTELY been talked into it. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone so I tried to NOT have this irrational fear.

Knowing the film is based on a “true” account was not at all helpful.

I was 24 and I had learnt to hide my Autistic quirks very well from EVERYONE in my life. In this film there was a scene were the guy is getting experimented on. My heart was racing so fast and my body was wanting to run. I was sat in a cinema in the middle of a row of people and I was very, very heavily pregnant. *AJ was restless because of my body changes through anxiety and total panic. He started doing summersaults. I was feeling so sick and ill from this. I can see now how I looked but I didn’t care, I needed to protect my baby from what my body was making him feel. It was the only time I ever allowed myself to be me in that part of my life. I put my fingers in my ears, I closed my eyes tight, I allowed my legs to bounce and I sang a happy song in my head, while rocking.

This is an irrational fear I know

I just want to let those of you out there who have kids on the spectrum know this.

Be so very careful how people talk around your kids, even when they look like they are not listening they are.

ASD kids can’t process this stuff and it has a hold on them that causes night terrors and other problems when older.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

This is how I imagine it now,

the image at the top of this post is how I saw it as a child.

Giggle, giggle…Wordless Wednesday!

My little Nephew *EJ saw this sleeping Parrot and said,

“His head has fell off, where his head gone Auntie Weesa?”

Then he got quite upset because he couldn’t see it on the floor.

I just had to add this short video of one of my favourite toys as a kid.

Me, my brother and my sis all still mimic this doll.

I wonder if my Dad still has her in the loft somewhere?

She wasn’t played with long enough on this video.

She didn’t say my favourite phrase! 😦

So… I got the Parrot to say it! 😉 xx

“Why do I bother?”

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I know when I NEED to write because I REALLY don’t want to. Writing for me is a form of therapy, a way of processing. It has been a friend to me, when I have been friendless.

When I start to withdraw from writing I also withdraw from being Lisa and I withdraw from connecting to those closest to me. Writing helps me to feel connected in a world where people’s actions are quite hard for me to understand.

I read a post not long ago that really hurt me

It made me feel like, “Why do I bother?”

This post was written by someone who understands Autism and understands writing, so I naturally read it thinking it would be helpful but it wasn’t.

This post did nothing but draw attention to the so called “faults” of another writer’s post. It hurt me deeply because I can only write what I know.

Also I’m dyslexic so I know my writing/spelling/punctuation is far from perfect.

I’m still learning about Autism, it’s on going

I find it hard to remember all of the medical names and abbreviations, to go with all the traits, of ASD that run through myself and my whole family. I use Lisa Lingo to explain the hurts and joys of  life on the spectrum, as I understand from my own experiences. But this means I have to babble. According to the post I read, and some of the comments, babbling is not good writing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion

Personally I think Bloggyland is big enough for a few babblers, ranters, venters and quite a lot of Aspies who are looking to connect with people who won’t treat them like they are nobodies. Everyones opinion counts as long as it’s not hurtful, spiteful or condescending.

We are all unique and that is just perfect

It has taken me quite some time to get my head around this soap box attitude that runs through all circles. I came out of a religious sect that was filled with religious perfectionists. People who DID the DEEDS and WALKED the WALK, some of them needed an audience and some of them were genuine caring people just trying to fit in. I believe sometimes it’s a bit like the story of the Emperor and his new clothes, no one will speak out for fear of rejection or looking “just hopelessly stupid.” I’m an Aspie, I’ve been being rejected, mocked and abused my whole life.

Oh wait…hang on a minute, someone did speak out, a child. It took the innocence of a child to young to understand the desirability of keeping up the pretense.

It seems to me that there are many factions, not just religious ones

I hate that now I am finally learning, after 42 years, WHY I have felt so Alien all my life. I am running into groups of people like this. I don’t find it at all inspiring and to be quite honest I find it very off putting.

I have only ever wanted friends

Starting a blog was a complete accident for me, but it brought me friendship. I write only for me and I share from my heart. I don’t read many blogs but the blogs I do read are written by those who share from their heart too. Those who don’t hide their troubles but share them to help others. Those who share good times and bad times, their ups and their downs. Real, open, honest and heartfelt posts written by wonderful people who help and inspire those who read what they write. They don’t pretend to be experts or perfect, but they do help others like me to not feel alone.

I read this post by my lovely friend Laura

Here is the link, A Moment in the life…Why?

Please go and read it!!

When I read this post about my friends beautiful daughter it cut me to the heart. I hate that this happens to anyone, but it’s very real for those on the spectrum. I see this happening with my *CAL, I can also relate SO MUCH to this post because this is what has always happened to me. Please go and read Laura’s post if you want to understand the hurt most adult Aspies/Auties carry every day. Also see that some Aspies/Auties who seem to not care, have to be this way because they can’t cope or function when they do care.

If you are reading this and you are trying to understand what it feels like to be Autistic, just go and read Laura’s post and times that emotion for every day you have lived. Then you may see why Autistic people will hide in their special interests, and need to communicate in any way they can.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Now I have let all this out, hopefully it will pass.

Hopefully I will feel better about writing again.

Here is a song that I have been listening to a lot lately, it’s been helping me.

Knowing my limits! (ASD)

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I read this quote today on Joyce Meyer’s fb status…

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits. Nobody says you have to do all the things you are doing.”

My first thought when I read this was, well who else is going to do them?

That’s right I was thinking of all my responsibilities.

Then I thought of something I have heard so many times but rarely acted upon.

“People can only control you if you let them!”

I have been thinking on the word “LIMITS”

Having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) CAN set limits, or more to the point, society WILL set limits. Social conformity requires that all people act in a similar way, depending on culture and upbringing. Limitations are put upon us and there is nothing we can do about it. Or is there?

I have been pondering on this today

“If you want peace in your life, don’t exceed your limits.”

The only person in my life, who is pushing me to be like everyone else, is me.

Why do I care what others think of me when I know I am loved by God unconditionally.

I am also loved and accepted for who I am by my family and my close friends.

I am very blessed!

I don’t even want to be like everyone else, I don’t need to pretend to be someone I am not.

For me it’s about breaking the pattern I have known my whole life.

It’s about changing the voice in my head, the one that says, “I am wrong, everyone is better than me!”

Limits and restrictions are put in place by controllers.

These limits, restrictions, orders are not for our good and make us feel small, useless and worthless.

There are also loving restriction and limits,

Healthy boundaries that are taught and offered to us by those who love us.

Those who know us and want to see us thrive.

I have NEVER understood limits.

If there was something to climb, I had to climb to the very top. When I start a job, I don’t stop until it is complete. I have made myself ill carrying slabs and cement that were far too heavy for me. I have been out in the garden at 5am in the pouring rain digging a vegetable patch. I have also swam that many lengths of a pool I couldn’t walk and fell over when I got out….that was REALLY embarrassing actually…giggle.

These are just a few, there are so many I can see now looking back.

Being told about something is not the same as learning about it. I have to experience things to understand.

The limits I’m more concerned about are these

I don’t understand my social and emotional limits.

I am now trying to understand the pattern behind my shutdowns/meltdowns when placed into over stimulating social environments. I’m very aware now that it is impossible for me to separate thought and feeling. I find it hard to understand some kinds of humour or if a person is being nasty.

Not always being able to read body language or facial expression will give added anxiety. This will then cause stress and overwhelm of emotion. This I will not read correctly and will over-tax my thinking trying to process it all. I will then feel over emotional and extremely drained. Also I will replay it all trying desperately to understand. While doing this I am draining myself further and confusing myself with things that may or may not have actually happened.

Limits on people and places

I am thinking of ways now to predict how I will react. Unfamiliar places are not a problem if I only have to absorb the new surroundings and don’t have to deal with new people.

Likewise, new people I can cope with if I am used to the environment and the expectation of whom and how I am to act in said environment. I learnt to imitate my Mom, and I don’t have to think to do this. However I do need to remember that when I do imitate, it will drain me and cause me to have to have downtime later. It burns me out!

Meeting new people in new places is FAR TOO MUCH and over time will eventually render me dysfunctional. Doing this for a short period of time is ok, but will have consequence. I can see and understand that if I fill a glass too much with liquid it over pours. Also I can see and understand that if I pump too much air into a balloon it will explode.

I need to learn my limits

My whole life I have been trying to fit in a world where Autism is invisible. I didn’t even know I just thought I was odd, thick, over emotional and a depressive. These are the things that people have told me and I have taken on board as who I am.

Now I know, I’m just Autistic!

I’m different, not less!

I read this earlier and it also explained to me that I need to learn about my limits.

What I can do without pushing myself over the edge. Causing that overspill or explosion!

We abandon our path when we try to walk down someone else’s to live up to standards that we have not chosen in a life that is not ours. Instead of living within our limits, we often judge ourselves for having these limits and then challenge these seemingly unrealistic boundaries and try to push to be better, work harder, and achieve more. But to what end? What are we trying to prove? We often set and try to live up to unrealistic expectations, pushing ourselves beyond the limits we have to try to accomplish more. After all, we want to believe that we can do more and have it all while feeling great!  But how many people do you personally know who feel this way all the time and are truly fulfilled?

These are my thoughts for today, I hope they make sense.

I will let you know how it all goes, as I keep learning to be me!

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂