I can go the distance, what a day!

My brain feels like pudding, it’s all mushy

*CAL having a sensory break.
Lining up the animals in a toy store.

At about 9am I had a phone call off my 19 year old son *AJ. He needed me to take him to A&E. He had left the house early and gone to the gym. While at the gym he dislocated his shoulder when lifting weights. His arm had popped out of the socket 3 times. He doesn’t always understand his pain and seems to have a sensory processing disorder with it. He knew he was in pain but didn’t understand how much pain. He managed to pop his arm back into the socket correctly by himself. His best friend was almost sick seeing what happened. My son said the second time he had to pop it back in he thought he was going to pass out. That’s when he asked his friend to phone me and drive him home.

We have a brand new hospital in our city

I’ve never been there before and I hadn’t got a clue where we had to go. I phoned my sister and she explained where to go and where to park. She told me to just follow the signs. My dyslexia kicked in because that’s what happens when I’m overloaded. I had to drive at about 5 MPH to be able to read the road signs.

We sat in A&E for a good 2.5 hours.

I had a very VERY weak cup of coffee (dyslexia again) I couldn’t read how to work the bloody coffee machine and didn’t turn up the strength. I later had to get my son’s girlfriend to show me where the toilet was because the waiting room was so busy I had gone into shutdown. Yes, that’s correct I was walking around completely dazed. I could see the signs, well I was looking at them on the wall and could actually see that it was a toilet sign but I was not really seeing the signs. They made no sense to me what so ever.

(You will only understand this if you have experienced it)

While my son *AJ was having X-Rays

LOTS of not too nice middle aged men turned up in A&E. They sat opposite me and you know when you keep catching them gorping at your bits ladies. I felt so uncomfortable and so wished my hubby had been there. I sat there wishing I had not put my pretty pink colourful low kneck top on. I should have put my black jumper on. I kept texting Mr Locoman to try to distract myself from how they were making me feel. Eventually I had to move seats.

We moved to a different waiting room.

Then a very smelly man sat next to me. Now don’t get me wrong here I really do love all people but when I am in sensory overload my worst thing is smells. I remember my Mom telling me I used to scream in the fish market, and I wasn’t much better in the butchers either. She used to have to run through the perfume counters in Rackhams and I actually remember that those counters used to give me such horrible static electric shocks.

I always carry a small bottle of perfume in my handbag

It’s one of my JUST.IN.CASE things, along with chewing gum, tissues and a pack of antibacterial hand wipes. So I sprayed quite a bit of perfume on myself, I can breathe again or can I? I forgot I have a stupid cough left over from my flu and the spray starts me off. Stupid cough is driving me mad, so is my pelvic floor, thank you child birth and middle age. *A…where is the toilet again?

We’ve got to go back to fracture clinic tomorrow for my son to have more tests on his arm because it is clicking. He has his arm in a sling but the X-Rays seemed ok. *AJ asked his lovely girlfriend if she enjoyed her morning in A&E she said, ” I have always wanted to see the helicopter landing.” She got to see it take off too….hehe

When we got home from the hospital my daughter had gone into a mini shutdown because I had promised we were going to get her game cleaned at Game Station. I usually take her to this particular shopping centre really early in the morning before it gets busy. The only words she was speaking were…”But we NEED to” “WHEN?” “What time?” “I’m bored” “Can we go now” “I’ve got nothing to do” you know that Aspie loop mode. She has 100’s of wii, XBOX, PS2, 3DS games but Paper Mario was stuck in the loop. I had told her we were going, she had prepared herself for it and she REALLY needed Paper Mario to be buffed.

The shopping centre was a living hell, more noise than ever.

Plus queues of people lining up to see some famous artist. I haven’t got a clue who. We got there, did what we needed to do and we got the hell out as quick as possible.

Even though I had a map, I didn’t read it correctly (dyslexia again) we got lost and had to get a sensory break.

Toy shops, thank God for toy shops.

*CAL lined up plastic animals for a while, she likes to sort and organise. It’s a game we play, I grab a hand full of various animals and she puts them back where they belong. For me I stood and daydreamed with the cute little fairy fantasy toys and collectables. I found some freaky toddler dolls that I took a photo of to put on this post. I couldn’t cope with them being inside my mobile so I deleted them. They looked like Chucky to me! Scary!

Once we were both almost back to our version of “normal” Ready to brave the crowds again. We were having a giggle in the jig-saws and board games section when we heard a young woman shouting so angrily at her 3 year old daughter. The little girl was strapped down in a buggy and wanted so desperately to get out and play. The mothers words were

“You just sit still, shut up, act like a normal child and stop being such an idiot!”

Nice I thought, my daughter was actually in shock by this and it showed. We were both playing “Bop it” we were both so happy and I guess we were actually acting like 3 year olds. As much as I really hurt by her words, especially the word “normal” I felt for this mother. She looked so stressed and I couldn’t help but wonder about her life. Also, she was in a toy store so she was obviously trying to find ways of calming her little girl. I said a little prayer in my heart for her and her daughter. I have to do this or I will carry these things with me and they loop in a negative way.

I spoke with my daughter *CAL on the way home

As we chatted *CAL explained to me that she didn’t really wonder about the little girl she said her thoughts were more for what the lady meant. She said she thought that maybe the lady might have had a mom that said the same things to her. That for her maybe being a “normal” child meant not being able to play.

After all that sensory! All that confusion!

Both of us feeling totally drained! All the constant changes of noise, lighting, smells, movement and energies of every shop we walked past.

Guess what? The Paper Mario game is still not working. We will have to save up and buy a new one. But we learned a lot and it was *CAL that wanted to go shopping. Every experience is a chance to learn something, learn a way to cope.

However…

If my husband expects me to feed him, or talk much tonight, well…let’s just say it won’t be happening. hehehe….that felt good, it’s so great to get it all out of my head.

If anyone wants me, I’m going to be getting myself lost in Disney films with happy music.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Painted in oil

Beautiful Headmess

Sorry I have no words again, I have had a very busy day and none of it was planned so I feel quite overloaded. I just want to go and lose myself in a film. I’m a creature of routine and function better when I can do what I need to do. This is one of my paintings. It is painted in oil and it’s not finished yet. I call it ‘Beautiful Headmess’ because I started it while in a shutdown. I don’t know what it needs but to me it doesn’t balance yet. I don’t really like it much, but I have nothing else to share.  Love and hugs. xx 🙂

The Burgundy Rug

I’m writing from a shutdown so this post may not make sense.

Image found on Facebook

Today has been a day when I would rather not post on my blog. It’s one of those days when I would rather hide and only speak when spoken to. I don’t want to let myself down and fail at a goal I have set for myself. I said I would post every day in July and I already did a wordless post yesterday.

Today I’ve had a meltdown, followed by a guilt ridden shutdown. I then slept because I was so drained. I needed to try to process but wasn’t able to. I woke up and got emotional and was not able to filter. I was not able to understand what was truth and what was misplaced emotion, everything seemed merged. Luckily a close friend was able to talk me through and help me with this.

I think one of the worst things about Aspergers is the not knowing. Not being able to control thought, feeling and reaction then thinking your mind is out of control. Not being able to prioritise and only having one thought constantly looping. Obsessing about simple things that no one else is even aware of. The only thing that seems to slow down my thinking is to distract. For me that comes in creativity, imagination and visual stimulation.

My friend Jo from over at MumtoJ posted this image

I saw this earlier and it triggered off a lot of happy memories for me.

I decided to go to a safe place and distract how I have been feeling today.

I lost myself in memories and wrote down the best I could from my shutdown. It helped me to slow down my looping.

Sorry, I know I get on people’s nerves when I can’t process because I babble myself round in circles with what seems unimportant to others. This post has no point at all apart from me trying to push past a fear and help myself to think clearly again.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

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The Burgundy Rug

As I ran my fingers through the long burgundy fibres I felt such pleasure, release, fun, adventure and an inner peace too. I lay full length on my Great Granny’s rug, looking up at what was around me, digging my fingers into the texture wiggling them around and following each strand to its base. Such a tiny child I was with so many habits that annoyed so many people. But not here, not in this place. I rolled over and lay stretched out on my stomach rubbing my face and palms into the pile, then raising my head looking to see if an imprint was detectable. I can still remember the smell of that burgundy rug, I can feel it to this day like it lives inside my skin. All the fun it held for me, but mostly it felt safe. It was comfort and I knew it was always there.

“Lisa, make sure you brush the rug when you finish your game.”

I’m smiling at those words and thinking back on happy memories of my lovely old Great Gran. I can see her sat in her high back chair. A short stocky lady with black curled hair, clip on earrings and wearing her green crimplene over dress.

Joey the bright yellow budgerigar had his cage to the left of her chair. The cage was on a stand with one of those plastic elasticated seed collectors around the bottom to catch any lose millet. My Nanny Poorly-leg (as I called her) was very house proud, but this want for perfection never was as important as her family.

Joey was seldom in his cage he was always perched on my Great Grandad’s shoulder, like a pirates parrot pecking at his ear. My Great Grandad, such a quiet gentleman. I see him now in the kitchen making his famous brew, always tea leaves never bags. The strongest cup of tea one could ever taste, bright orange it was and so very sweet with a slight taste of cigarette smoke, always in a fine bone china cup.

He was never without an unfiltered hanging from his lips. Chain smoker he was dressed in his long Johns, the old fashioned type with the button up flap at the back. His brown chino trousers with braces, no shirt while in the house just his top from his all in one underwear. He’d be chatting away, cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth, “Pretty Joey, who’s a pretty boy then?” I really don’t remember him talking much more than that, but he did love his roses and I do remember him letting me spray them. He would very often have the next ciggie resting behind his ear ready to light off the present one once it was used up. Funny the things that stick in your mind.

She couldn’t walk very well my Great Gran, I didn’t understand why, I was so young. She had one leg slightly longer than the other and always had a limp. She had been very ill as a child and wasn’t able to attend school. I remember her telling me she was so tiny when she was born they could fit her in a pint glass. I don’t know if this was true but I would listen to her stories and gaze at how long her ears were. People’s ears get so long with age it’s something I still notice now.

She would regularly show me the cut on her tongue that she got from trying to eat a piece of glass as a kid. This used to gross me out awfully and I really didn’t want to see it. It was almost as bad as my great Aunt Barbara flipping her false teeth around in her mouth trying to make me laugh. Gran told me she thought the glass was toffee that had fallen off the toffee apples her Mom had made. I can’t remember why she wasn’t allowed to eat them and picked up a piece of glass off the floor. It might just have been that her mom made them to earn some pennies. I don’t know, I can’t remember and I can’t ask anyone now. I know that my Great Granny was born the daughter of a lock keeper and there was Irish gypsy blood in her line. So many questions I have now and wish I could sit and chat and find some answers.

I loved going to my Great Granny’s bungalow I have such a clear picture of each room. The living room was my favourite. The china cabinet in the right hand corner, filled with all my Granny’s special crocks. The solid oak sideboard under the window with the wind up wooden clock, it’s chime I still recognise taking me back in time. Her beautiful burgundy rug by the fireplace ready for all my stories and playtime. Also that wonderful oval shaped, flamenco dancer coffee table with its thin black legs and glass top.

My fingers was my game they were my toys, my puppets. The burgundy rug was my canvas and stage for so many wonderful imaginings. The pile was so deep I could draw on its fibres. Wavy lines became rivers, the seaside or secret pathways filled with magical adventures. My finger people did the walking, my mind did the talking and my Nanny Poorly-leg sat and watched. She smiled, never disturbed me and loved me just the way I was. I just needed to remember to brush the rug when I had finished my game.

ASD on the Bus (Silly poem)

Every once in a while I like to let out my silliness. Those who know me well know I can be a little bit nutty. I can find silliness in EVERYTHING!!! I like to have fun and play within my imagination, seeing joys to create from what life throws at me. I find myself quite entertaining at times and I do love a good giggle.

Today I took *CAL on a school trip, this meant catching a bus

My son laughed at the thought of me on the bus. *AJ has been on many buses with me in his 18 years on this planet. He knows, he has witnessed what happens EVERYTIME. I get ridiculously travel sick on buses and only catch them when I have to.

Coming home after the school trip

While I was on the bus travelling home my lovely friend ~Samantha Craft contacted me. I told her how ill I was feeling. Those who follow ~Sam’s blog know she can write a poem about anything, her Aspie tangents amaze me, she is so very unique. I do love my friends, they are all so very inspiring, encouraging, loving and accepting.

~Sam said to me, “praying…write me a poem right now about it. 🙂 ” I love her humour.

My response was, ” I’m getting off now and walking the rest. Will write later, I don’t want to pass out I have *CAL with me.”

I really did think I was about to faint

I was in a cold sweat and it was pouring off me. I was shaking from head to toe and my head was starting to feel so weird. Once I got off the bus, I had to lean up a fence in the pouring rain for a few minutes before I could walk the rest of the way home. The journey home took 40 minutes on the bus, it has taken me over 2 hours to feel well again. I don’t know why being on a bus makes me feel so very ill, it has always been the same.

The funny thing is my hubby (Mr Locoman) loves buses, he loves trains too but he very often will go on bus tours for a whole day. His whole family are into transport and he really does have the time of his life. It bores me terribly, but each to their own. 🙂

Notice I said “it” as in “Transport” NOT “he” as in “my hubby”….LMHO

My poem explains how very different we are with this

But hey, they say that opposites attract. 😉

Ok…I have written this poem in an abstracty sort of way trying to sound all deep and meaningful, and maybe trying to sound a little bit intelligent too…don’t laugh, I did say trying.

BUT…oh my, I was wetting my pants and laughing my head off while writing it.

You know what they say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

http://www.saak.nl/battlefield%20tour/2008%20england/london/london%20en.htm#.T_x9HfmrFAI

ASD on the Bus

by Alienhippy

Repulsive stench hot damp air

Musty odour, many stagnant breaths

Fabric seized staleness

Tormented transit, squashed strangers

Sullen empty faces with lowered eyes and hearts

Hissy spinning noises, screeching pain erodes

Thump, thump, thumping

You undesired melodies

Voices project whispers in multiplied isolated chats

Those wanton talk tales, no room for my ears here

Please silence enter, peace come upon me

Save me from this overload

I need to breathe

Coughing, spluttering, disgusting bacterium

Floating, drifting, infested enclosure

You invisible enemy masked in humidity

Don’t breathe, don’t inhale

But I need air

Trapped…needing escape, too much movement

Turning, swerving, flowing, jolting, stopping, going

Hollow, shallow breaths

Constant flickering light

Page flipping, mobiles clicking

Hair tossed, baggage fumbled

Fingers busy everywhere

OMG….

That man just wipe a bogey up the window

Oh no…I desperately need air

Ok…hyperventilating now

Head spinning, stomach churning

Acid throat, I’m going to vomit

I have to get off this bloody bus

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My Mom loved Cliff and I have seen this film too many times.

I have to say though, a holiday on a double-decker bus would kill me.

Holding my breath, hovering over publish.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I’m going on a bit of a rant here because I REALLY need to get this out. I’m sort of holding my breath about this post. But my blog is “a place where I can be me!” So here goes…

Hebrews 10:23-25 (NLV)

• Let us hold on to the hope we say we have and not be changed.
• We can trust God that He will do what He promised.
• Let us help each other to love others and to do good.
• Let us not stay away from church meetings. Some people are doing this all the time.
• Comfort each other as you see the day of His return coming near.

I was reading my Bible this afternoon and I stopped to ponder on these two verses from Hebrews 10. I broke them down into points, then prayed through each point thinking what God might be showing me, how I can give this to God and see what He is helping me to see.

The point that challenged me the most was point 4.

“Let us not stay away from church meetings. Some people are doing this all the time.”

Those that are closest to me know that every Sunday morning I want to be at church. I want so desperately to be part of a fellowship. I want to break bread and sing to God with God’s family of believers. Every Sunday morning I feel hurt at not feeling accepted for who I am. My whole life I have had to imitate and people please to be accepted and now I have just about had enough.

I haven’t been to church for a few weeks now,

I’m trying to find a church to go to. I really don’t feel that I want to go to a church where I am explained as having “This and That Syndrome” even if it is said in joke.

There are some very lovely people, but just having one person voice this in a public place has made me not want to return. Also knowing that this is how I am explained to others makes me see that my little girl is expected to conform and not be who she is created to be.

I’m not the Lisa they knew, or thought they knew.

I took off my mask, I stopped acting!

I realised that I didn’t want my little girl to have to feel like an actress, a performer every time she went out of the house. I started to advocate for my child, for both my children and in doing this I started to accept who I am. I started to actually be the real me. I started to say “no” to doing things that I knew would cause me to shutdown later. I started to understand that the over stimulation of certain people or environments caused me confusion. I started to understand that I absorb great amounts of information both positive and negative, not really being able to process what is applicable, so becoming totally overwhelmed. On some Monday mornings I was only able to do routine things. I just wanted to zone out and stare at the telly all day. This was not good for me or my family.

I am learning to self regulate

I no longer allow people to bombard me with their idea of what they think I should be doing, or how I should be acting. I know that there are people who will not understand what I am saying here. There will also be those that judge me on however I try to word this.

I would just like to say, that’s fine, you are entitled to your opinion.

I serve a loving Father God who sees the heart.

People see what they want to see, and they hear what they want to hear.

All of my life I have tried so hard to be accepted,

The truth is my brain is wired in an Autistic way and I find a lot of things difficult. I have pushed myself to fit, to conform. This has been like self abuse at times. I was made by one particular church to feel that I was wretched because I found it so hard to talk to strangers and to be in busy places. I found ways of doing these things though because I thought at the time that God wouldn’t love me if I didn’t do them. I was young, vulnerable and naive. It is SO very wrong to put this onto a person, to make anyone feel they are unlovable if they don’t do. If they don’t meet the mark.

Religion says do, Jesus said DONE!

We should serve God with thanks giving and a grateful heart.

Autism is a communication disorder.

Just because some of us are very verbal, doesn’t mean we are keeping up or filtering what is going on. I have had a Sunday sermon still looping in my head on a Friday.

I am not deliberately being awkward I am listening to what my body is telling me and finding ways to do things so I can keep doing them and not go into hiding again. I have decided NOT to fight against my brain but to work with it, listen to the still quiet voice that explains to me how I can be me in Christ. How I can feel the freedom that Christ brings!

Do I want to be at church on Sundays? Yes, I do!

Will I do what God tells me? Yes, I may struggle but I live by God’s grace.

Do I want to be made to feel that I am wrong, I am awkward and I am making excuses?

No. This is not loving and is not building me up. I will not be made to feel this way anymore.

I read this comment today on Fi’s blog.

If you have a Spectrumite routinely tuning out in class, it is because the mental effort required to connect is too much. Spacing out is a way of letting go of a connection that is too hard to maintain. Think of it as trying to hold on to a weight, so heavy that your hands keep getting tired, until you finally have to let go. Only when your hands are rested can you pick it back up. No amount of saying, “Pick it up” or “Stay on task” will change that fact.

Now, imagine that you are being asked to hold something heavy on each finger – that is the experience of multitasking. That is what’s required when listening, making eye contact and watching body language at the same time. Asking this of Spectrumites is psychological torture and socially selfish of anyone who requires it as a condition for being in a relationship with one of us.

Thank you Sparrow for sharing this in your comment. 🙂 xx

Image found on Facebook

As a child I had a wonderful imaginary friend

She would meet me in a secret garden and we would play on a swing that hung from a large tree. We walked and talked, we giggled and played. We picked wild flowers on the side of a river. I never had to pretend to be anyone, I was able to just be me.

When I was made to feel wrong at school, she stood behind me and whispered all the nice things she knew about me. She set a standard of how I should have been treated by friends. She set a standard of how I should have allowed people to treat me. I wouldn’t allow my kids to be talked to in this way, so I am not going to allow myself to be spoken to like this either.

I share so I can move forward.

I share because I know others go through similar things and I know I love it when I read another person’s journey and say, “YES…that is just how I feel!”

All people make mistakes,

It’s not a reflection of God, it’s not a reflection of Church, it’s a reflection of a person hurting inside, or hurting themselves. Someone dealing with their own baggage and insecurities.

Ignorance is everywhere, and arrogance hurts friendships.

We can’t change people, but we can change who we chose to be around.

I know who my friends are, they are the ones who pray for me, who whisper kind things to my heart and hold me accountable to God in their love for me.

Church is the body of Christ, God’s family on Earth. Not a building.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Jesus calms my storm

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Today is the day my PC goes in for repair; I still have my netbook so I won’t be disappearing. I will say though that my Autism is pretty ridiculous when it comes to parting with my faithful friend. Any other Aspie relate here. Giggle. 🙂

I KNOW it’s only a computer but anyone who knows ANYTHING about those of us with an ASD, and how we communicate, will totally get where I am coming from with this.

I was reading some email notifications from my mobile this morning and I TOTALLY loved reading this devotional. It helped me so much!

“Be Still and Know” Sharon Jaynes (GIG)

Also this post

“Faith to follow” Where Living Begins

I sat and pondered/prayed on these for a while and remembered a post I wrote back in July. I put it on my “Listening through the Loops” blog because part of me still feels if I let people REALLY know me they will judge me and my way of thinking. My Loops blog is a place where I can be creative and so in a way I’m still hiding who I am. I think most of us who have grown up not knowing we are on the spectrum always feel just that little bit alien. We fear the rejection we have felt all our lives.

I read a quote the other day that stuck in my mind.

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”— Virginia Woolf

Many Aspies/Auties know this to be true. I know I certainly do. There are so many things that cause our minds confusion. Environments and people that cause us to shutdown/meltdown feel a failure. But we are not; this world may tell us we are, but we are not. We can find that peace when we find our own ways of coping with the battering of our senses and the attacks on our being. We can’t always understand, and may walk around oblivious sometimes, but we find ways. These ways may look odd to some people, but those who love and accept see past this and see the people we are.

As we all know those wonderful words.

“I am different, not less!” (Temple Grandin Quotes)

So here is a little bit of the me I’m created to be

The me from when I’m “Listening through the Loops”

My special place (taken with my mobile, when I wrote this)

The sound of no sound!

With her thoughts came a rising breeze and an echo of a time past. Her mind was filled with echoes on this day; some of them brought a smile, a warm feeling of love and acceptance. Others, they just caused a loop of despair. On this day those echoes were not being too friendly, they were torturing her peace and she couldn’t stop them.

She froze, as if a moment of clarity had awakened a deeper understanding. Concentration caught her. She listened for the breeze, trying to raise it above the sound of no sound. She could hear this so clearly, but others didn’t seem to know of its existence.

What is the sound of no sound, it’s not silence. We all know silence it can bring us peace when we accept it, give to it our truth within. Silence can also bring loneliness when we don’t tune to who we are, waiting on others to change our perception.

No sound is the buzz that lingers in the mind of those who cannot block it out. It is always there, it’s the one that never stops. It causes every other noise to merge with the voices and makes understanding impossible. The no sound is the distraction that causes mistakes, taking away the revelation given within the peace.

The buzz inside her head was escalating and she knew it was only moments before she had to get away from herself. She had frozen, her thoughts had frozen and nothing seemed real.

She needed to go; she walked the familiar steps to her special place. She heard within herself those words so gentle, words so calming, words that were not her own.

“Be still and know!”

************************************************************

What I read while sat in my special place

Psalm 46

Psalm 23

Psalm 40

Mark 4:35-41

ASD’s and Empathy?

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I followed a link on fb today to this post,

The Data Myth,

which was on Autism and Empathy.

I became extremely overwhelmed when reading the following.

We need to be on guard against the Data Myth and the stereotypes it perpetuates. Children with autism may sometimes react differently, but that doesn’t mean they lack human emotions. We need to think about, write about, and treat children with autism with the understanding that they experience a full range of emotions but have trouble processing and communicating them. We need to understand that they are interested in people and want to interact, but that they have sensory or communication issues that make it difficult. We need to challenge the medical community to rise above these stereotypes. And we need to see our kids as already whole and complete children, not as faulty

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The post reminded me of some thoughts I wrote last year.

So I thought I’d share and update with more recent thoughts.

The Blue Peter Cambodia Appeal.

I was about 10 years old, the children’s TV show here in the UK “Blue Peter” had an appeal to raise money for children in Cambodia. They showed an awful amount of footage that made me feel very lucky to have food and a home. It also devastated me to see such under nourished children with flies circling their faces and them having no energy to flick them away. This footage I still remember to this day, and if I focus on it I still cry.

My Mom in her wisdom, decided to use my very visual imagination to get me to part with some of my many toys, that I was extremely attached to. She came into my bedroom with black bin bags and said something like this, “You have far too many toys in this room, everything needs to be sorted and tidied up. There are a lot of starving children in this world, you’ve seen it on Blue Peter. Get rid of some of these toys and I will take them to the charity shop and you will help to save a little child’s life.”

I gave away everything

I couldn’t bear the thought of these little kids having no food. The visuals from Blue Peter were far too much for me.

I only kept 2 toys, my Tiny Tears Doll and my Teddy Boo-Boo. I still have both of them.

Now I have a theory about this lack of empathy thing

It’s only from my understanding and what I have lived, I have read nothing on it…my dyslexia makes that difficult. Personal accounts from others is my best way of learning.

I know that over the years I have had to shut down to my feelings because they are so intense. I can get so overwhelmed by emotion that I can barely function. I know that when I love a person they become as important as myself. My children are more important and I would die for them.

Because I have visual reruns of things that either hurt me or confuse me, I end up rehearsing and chatting and analysing, this can be quite tiring. I will have so many conversations going around in my head. I have managed to stay in touch with my feelings, emotions and show empathy by being careful what I feed my brain with. Being careful not to overload myself. I know now what will replay in my constant thought loops and which things to avoid. I can also praise up the less noisy loops and help myself to do the things that are hard to do.

I think that the lack of empathy thing is just a shut down mechanism of self protection because emotion is so intense…it will overload the system and cause sensory difficulties and eventually complete shutdown. But this is just a whole load of Lisa Lingo from my babbling thought loops.

I just know that when I gave my toys away it was because I cared deeply for children I would never meet, and I was willing to go without my faithful friends so they would live. I don’t believe that I lack empathy and I don’t believe other Aspies do either. But this is just my understanding.

*******************************************************

Recently I was told by a professional

“I have taken you out of your comfort zone Lisa, but you will adapt!”

I was struggling to comprehend the changes to what I was doing, the environment I was placed in and the NEW people I was having to interact with. I tried my best to explain the overwhelm of sensory and emotions I was dealing with on top of everything else I am trying to process lately, that this person knows about.

Yes I was way out of my comfort zone and barely staying afloat.

All I wanted to do was run, hide and be in a safe place. My emotions were at full capacity, my sensory was switched on to the max and I felt that NO ONE was listening, NO ONE understood and most of all NO ONE cared.

I am no longer in that situation now, I know my limits and they were pushed too far. I also know that if I only had to cope with an environmental change with familiar people I would have been ok. Or if I had to cope with new people in a familiar environment and routine that also would have been ok. However this was new environment, new people and new routine all in one go.

I felt totally overwhelmed by this and was not really processing what was going on. I felt I was letting down those around me. I hate feeling like I let people down and this will not leave my head. I had no choice but to leave this situation and sort out the other things in my life that are causing me complications.

This quote is from The Data Myth post

Children with autism have empathy. They may behave differently. They may communicate differently. They may need more time to process the event and the emotions. They may even experience emotions too intensely.

Those high functioning on the spectrum

Don’t grow out of being Autistic, we just learn how to hide it REALLY well. We have to, because most people in this world don’t understand empathy and our ways are seen as different, odd, unacceptable and over-emotional.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Autism meaning *SELF??? (Further thoughts)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Back in September I wrote a post called

“Autism meaning *SELF???”

I read through that post this morning after having some thoughts on this topic. You might want to read my earlier post so you can see my understanding of “SELF” back then, it’s not that different to now. This is only my interpretation you understand, I can only say what goes on within me.

I have great respect for those parents of Aspie/Autie kids, who go out their way to find just what their kids need. Those I have “met” through blogging have really helped me to understand the differences that we all have. They have also really inspired me to take my experiences and make them useful to others.

I only know my own way of coping

For 36 years I didn’t realise that the way I understand things is actually quite different to how most people do. You don’t really go around asking people how their brain works do you??…giggle. So I just assumed that EVERYONE was like me and maybe I was just a little bit slow or thick.

Here are some of my thoughts,

I have LOADS you have probably noticed. 😉 I do like to babble, I find it helps me so much.

Each morning while I’m showering I look through the glass doors at my bathroom. When I first enter the shower cubicle the glass is clear and I can see my bathroom and recognise everything. As the time goes on, and I do like a nice long shower, the droplets of water and the steam make my bathroom become blurry, the glass will mist over. I can still see and I still know everything in that space, so it doesn’t bother me. I sometimes wipe the glass and give myself a window out into this space and it reminds me of how I feel whenever I am out of my comfort zone.

This is where Autism IS TOTALLY about self.

More to the point self preservation!!!

A shutdown, a meltdown is a reaction that happens within to try to gain control of the not knowing. Most of the time, now I am older, I am able to understand the changes going on in my body and mind when I am going into overload. I have had years of experiencing this so I recognise it…most of the time. I have learnt to predict potential overloads.

Sensory overload to me is EXTRA and TOO.MUCH!

What I mean by this is everything seems EXTRA and TOO.MUCH.

It will start with noise with me, but I don’t always notice it straight away. Every little noise becomes EXTRA loud and I can’t tell where they are coming from or which is loud and which isn’t, what is music and what is a buzz from a freezer or overhead lights. All conversations sound like fuzz and I can’t hear or understand what people are saying. I have to start reading lips and faces then that can trigger off fears, insecurities and visuals. Once this happens I know, now, to find a muffled place or go outside. If I can’t get outside or to a toilet, corners are good or standing close to a wall. I think this calms the echoes.

After the noise if I haven’t been able to regain me, the visuals kick in. I will have images, so many images of all my safe places, people and things. I really need them at this point. As a child I would scream to go home, I would crawl up my Mom and hide round her legs. Everything at this point is too confusing and it is impossible to explain verbally how you feel because the words just don’t connect.  To me it feels like terror an unrecognisable fear, a complete change in recognition of even the ability to focus on my own breathing. My body feels different like it wants to do its own thing, no matter how I try to reason I just want to run. If I can’t run or calm myself, then I start to defend. My ears I will block and I will focus on the floor, I can also become very angry at this stage trying to control my fear.

 When I start to notice ALL THE EXTRAS

With me the lights will hurt my eyes, I can sometimes see them flickering. I have films running in my head of everything I’m seeing. I can look away and still see a person overlay on a wall or a shelf, or even over another person. All the time I’m thinking of home. So that is playing too..HOME, HOME, HOME. In the past I have had to grab my kids and bag and walk out of a supermarket leaving a full trolley of groceries at this point. I locked myself in my car, took my deep breaths and I didn’t go back in, I just couldn’t. There was far too many people. Supermarket are bad enough without people, but on this particular day it was over crowded.

When overload occurs

Every part of me is extremely sensitive. I can’t cope with being touch at all.

If I can’t escape I will go into a form of survival. I didn’t realise this wasn’t how everyone was as I have said before I have lived in an Autism bubble my whole life. I am now learning that who I am and how I cope is not wrong. I have found ways that help me. I think all you Moms and Dads of ASD kids are SUPER AWESOME, you know your little angels and you are finding ways to help them, so they won’t have to do it for themselves.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia or SID…mixi-mixi, shaky-shaky.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Yesterday I shared a post about how I was able to take my friends story and write a poem with it. I don’t have to work hard at doing this and I thought it might be helpful to explain why.

I think in pictures, I thought that everyone did!

I just showed Mr Locoman this image from the film The Minority Report, to explain to him what reading is like for me. We chatted for a while about this.

His EXACT words to me were,

“I can quite safely say that my brain does not do that!”

He’s very to the point my hubby, when he talks….LOL

This is what happens every time I read

The exception being when I read something I have written myself or something written by someone I am very close to. I think this is because the images in my mind already have a personality, so I can just read without having to piece it all together.

When I read something unfamiliar

It’s almost like the words turn into images and float out at me. Then my brain tries to balance them out. Reading is very slow, I push letters together and work phonetically. I can read a sentence out loud at a reasonable speed now, but to understand what I actually read I have to allow myself the time for the images to create the scene.

The words start to move around and cut and change on me. Like looking at jig-saw pieces scattered on a table, then moving the pieces around inside my mind. I don’t know if this is my Aspergers, my dyslexia, a combination of both, with a bit of ADHD added to the mix.

As a preteen I loved the arcade

(There is a point to this)

At school I felt totally stupid all day, I knew I was slow at reading, slow at writing, slow at understanding, slow at copying from the board. In fact SLOW at doing any thing that was written down. I just couldn’t understand why my brain could not comprehend the information. Also I was terrified to ask because I always said the wrong things. But in the arcade I found comfort in games that went at the same speed as my hyper-active brain. I shared a post a while back about my love of video games as a child.

Here is the link…

Cyborg or not Cyborg….that is the question???

It’s a funny post and gives plenty of insight and giggles at my 80’s Aspie-self. 😉

I found a couple of videos that may help to piece this together

What it is like for me to try to understand what is written down that is not personally connected to me, or of great interest. Trying to learn without visual aid is almost impossible for me. The speed of reading in a class room made no sense to me at all. I needed to see it, experience it, touch it…replay it, be able to move it around in my mind. Then it became real and the image gave understanding. I think this is why I like to watch films over and over again.

My mind likes to rhyme a lot of the time

I can read something and not understand it at all but my mind will find words that rhyme and it’s like they become flash cards that float off the page or computer screen. Just like the screens in the image above in the film The Minority Report. I think this is probably why Aspie kids are SO into touch screens, it’s familiar to them. It’s how I see, so maybe it’s how they see too. We’re all different though, I can only speak for myself and what I experience.

This first video is from the movie TRON

This reminds me of my lightening jumps and connections when I am planning and working out. It’s the speed my thoughts go at. They can go in tangents and change so quickly and at any time.

(Can you see a similarity to Sonic the hedgehog here…hehehe)

This second video is what dyslexia is like.

All dyslexics are different but this video is very similar to when I read. If I am reading about something I am fascinated by my visuals will keep up. Also if I am reading something written by someone I’m close to I can visualise what they write about and it becomes a video in my head. It’s like I have written it myself.

This is an excellent video and well worth watching.

So there you go…you can now leave my brain, the emergency exit is just on the right, or a click away.

Thank you for travelling Alienhippy style.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Butterflies and Bubbles

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I was very inspired by the title of a post by Suzanne Burgos today, so I went with it and wrote out my thoughts.

I can’t always read people well,

I want to be friends with everyone but I know that I talk too openly with friendly people. I can’t gauge them well and I can’t always read the signals. I talk about things that most people are not interested in, and when I start talking about God, I find it very hard to stop. I get excited about my faith even though I know that I bore people with this, but I can’t always see when I’m doing this.

This is where blogging is great,

In fact writing is great! What I write can be read in small doses, so I am not overwhelming people or getting on their nerves. People who want to read, read…and those who don’t, don’t.

I think recently I have been feeling…

That because I’m an Aspie and find certain things hard to do, I am letting my kids down. That if I was Neurotypical I could help them to socialise better and go to places to help desensitise them without me experiencing sensory overload. I have found myself cramming everything I can into my head in the hope that I might be able to stop my kids from feeling like Aspies. Trying to make it better for them, than it has been for me.

But I realised this morning that they are always going to feel like themselves.

They are Aspies, but first they are themselves. Being on the spectrum is only part of who they are, it’s only part of who I am too.

We can’t change the way this world is,

However, we can learn to rise above the way some people treat us. Also we can learn to step out of our own perception and look in at what really is going on. Not the emotional response but the logical one once the emotion has passed and the calm has come…I made up a word for this sometime ago. I wrote a poem about it too…I call it “snocalmelatus” I do really like my Lisa lingo it’s part of me, part of who I am, a way of me understanding.

We misunderstand a lot.

We all do, both NT’s and ASD’s…we are human none of us are perfect, but we are all unique and we are all special.

We are all created to be and to become and the best way of finding joy is to live life fully being the creation of self.

Seeking out peace and finding those little glimpses of Heaven that we see in the places and people that precious moments can reveal.

We see these when we open our eyes and our hearts to new possibilities.

We are like Butterflies and Bubbles

We are all floating and flittering through life, some of us are bubbles trying to be butterflies and some of us are butterflies trapped inside bubbles. The beauty is to see the Spectrum of Rainbows through it all. Growing and changing, being recreated in our being as life unfolds, and the deep mysteries of God are unravelled before each of us.

We are all like Butterflies and Bubbles!

Love, hugs, blessing and peace to you all. xx 🙂