Lightning jumps and connections

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

What am I writing about today???

I have a few things looping around in my head. It all seems to be “sort of” connecting but it’s like doing a dot-to-dot at the moment and someone has scribbled over a few of the numbers. So I’m not seeing the whole picture.

I remembered an email

That I wrote to my close friend Fiona, quite a while back. She wrote THIS post from it, because what I shared with her helped her understand something about her beautiful boy *Harley.

*Harley is a wonderful little boy he really makes me smile, I learn so much hearing about his journey. He reminds me of myself when I was his age. Oh yeah…nearly forgot, he’s an Aspie too.

In this email…I explained the best way I could

Just how my brain makes connections. Here is a small part of what I wrote.

***

It is a little like lightning jumps and connections.

TheΒ only way to stop it happening in my head is to follow the connections.

ThisΒ then brings me to a point of stillness.

Where the connections make total senseΒ and I feel resolved and content.

***

This is what my brain is doing at the moment,

I have so many thoughts looping around because I am trying to process something that is very important for me to understand.

I have been learning how to self-regulate.

I see with my kids, just how much they can cope with before meltdown or shutdown….to me these words seem strange because I really don’t know much from what books say about Autism. I know what I live and I speak in my Lisa lingo.

I will explode or implode, because that is how it’s always been. I have lived in and been surrounded by Autism my whole life. I didn’t know there was another way. I didn’t have anyone to ask.

My brain never stops,

I am constantly processing at least 3 major thoughts. Conversation takes up quite a few loops. Trying to listen and understand, watching out for any facial expressions and body language. Trying to filter out any background noise, or stop my own twitching from the lighting in the room.

Then trying to talk back… Will I say the right thing? How do I need to say that? What type of facial expression do I use when I say that? I need to try and keep my hands still, try to look at their face not the floor, and the list goes on.

That is one conversation, now imagine a group, a party. Now add 3 more major thoughts on top of 6 conversations. All still cycling and looping around. Trying to filter… Trying to make sense…Trying to stay calm.

In my own environment

Where I feel loved and accepted, with all this going on inside my head.

KABOOOOM….explosion, meltdown.

I was actually quite physical with this as a child, I learnt that I shouldn’t be and once I could verbalise how I felt I became VERY loud, with MASSIVE attitude.

Society demands conformity,

Constantly being told you are wrong you are bad is where implosion starts. I started to internalise all the confusion and try to make sense of it on my own. In my own bubble of self hate. All this I did as a small child, and Lisa got hidden in a box.

A shutdown to me is the loneliest place on earth,

It is the depths of emptiness and my emotions (with my sensory problems) cause me physical pain.

I thought this happened to everyone, I never thought to ask, no one had told me any different.

I feel very proud of myself this week.

I managed to figure out how not to overload my brain over the weekend. I knew that the party I was going to would give me way too many loops. So I planned a day in, fitting wall to wall carpet on Sunday. When my hands are busy, my brain filters more easily.

This is why I LOVE writing.

I now realise that I need to allow myself the time and space to process. I do this best in prayer.

I have negatively bashed myself up all of my life. I will not do this when praying.

My brain carries on thinking through every conversation I have with every person I am not close to. Acquaintances are extremely confusing for me. So are friends who don’t love and accept me for who I am. I don’t function well if I shutdown. I have to stim, pace and talk to myself, to start my brain back up. It is literally like I have been switched off.

To explode for me is much better,

I might shout it out all wrong and not make much sense but at least it comes out so I’m not hammering myself into the ground.

If I let it out to those who love me, they help me. Because they understand that Aspergers is only part of who I am.

What am I writing about today???

I haven’t quite made the connections yet, I’m still processing it all.

I’ll let you know when I have my light bulb moment.

Love and hugs. xx πŸ™‚

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25 thoughts on “Lightning jumps and connections

  1. Thanks for writing this comment Lisa .The more you write about yourself the more I understand about Aspergers .maybe more people have it and have never been diagnosed .They don’t know why they are being like they are. I hope your experience and you writing about it in this blog will benefit others .You can describe your feelings so well in your writings .Most of us can’t do that .
    enjoy a peaceful and happy day
    blessings
    Eileen
    ps – i look forward to reading your blog each and every day .

    i miss it when you don’t write . which is not very often .

  2. Wow Lisa! All that kept going on in my head was shouts of “YES! YES! YES! That’s it!” Thank you for putting this into words. I am processing a ton of things right now and in order to help my brain, I am going to clean the house after we finish school today. I find myself able to process better while cleaning, organizing and/or writing. When I am unable to write I do the other two.

    I have explained my brain like being the old show Connections, the concept is how my brain pieces things together. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connections_%28TV_series%29
    Like how you describe the dot-to-dot that is exactly it.

  3. Thank you so much for explaining this to me. You truly help me gain a better understanding of my son and what goes on in his mind. As I was reading I could literally see his brain doing what you were saying.
    Hugs and thank you again for putting into words something my son is not yet able to do.

  4. Hi Sweetie—Can I just tell you, you brought tears to my eyes on the comment you left for me. You are my silver lining. I’m going to stop now before we’re both puddles!!!

    Hugs–L

    I added a subscribe widget on my end, let me know if it works or if you like something different.

    • Awwww, you are so lovely Lizbeth.
      Thank you for your wonderful words, you are so very encouraging.
      I will check out your widget when I pop over to catch up.
      I get SO behind with comments and reading…Errrgh
      Love and hugs. xx πŸ™‚

  5. While reading this I was getting memories of my life and saying β€œYes! That’s why I did this or that. Yes, that’s what was happening.”

    Explode and implode are great words to describe my overload reactions.

    I find working with my hands, or going for a walk or a drive, very helpful.

    Thanks for describing Aspie life so well.
    πŸ™‚

    • I feel very special Lizbeth I have 3 comments off you on this post.
      I will pop over, but I’m such a slow reader and I have SO many posts to catch up on.
      You see… this is the time it would be handy to be able to read fast.
      Oh well, God made me this way for a reason.
      Love and hugs. xx πŸ™‚

  6. You’ve shared so many great insights here. For me it makes a big difference to have some activity to do that helps me to slow down my thoughts and focus. I’ve noticed that with my son, too, and will try to direct him to something that seems to work for him when he starts to seem anxious.

    I am glad you are finding it helpful to let your feelings out to people who love and accept you. After reading you last few posts, I ended up sharing a lot more about what’s going on with me to a couple of people I trust. The sharing itself helped me a lot, and they are also coming up with practical ways to help me deal with my own upcoming social event that will make things easier for me and my family. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping me with mine. πŸ™‚

    Love and peace.

    • Thank you for your comment Diane, I sometimes wonder if I’m a little too open.
      But I sort of feel that God puts these things inside my head and I have to share them.
      Plus I find writing is so theraputic.
      Love, hugs, blessings and peace to you my friend. xx πŸ™‚

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  8. You must be great help to people. You know that I have an obsessive personality and I can get gripped with a particular thought and obsess. It is a great help to write it out of you, reflect and then put it all into prospective. Love you xxxx

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