What am I writing about today???
I have a few things looping around in my head. It all seems to be “sort of” connecting but it’s like doing a dot-to-dot at the moment and someone has scribbled over a few of the numbers. So I’m not seeing the whole picture.
I remembered an email
*Harley is a wonderful little boy he really makes me smile, I learn so much hearing about his journey. He reminds me of myself when I was his age. Oh yeah…nearly forgot, he’s an Aspie too.
In this email…I explained the best way I could
Just how my brain makes connections. Here is a small part of what I wrote.
It is a little like lightning jumps and connections.
The only way to stop it happening in my head is to follow the connections.
This then brings me to a point of stillness.
Where the connections make total sense and I feel resolved and content.
This is what my brain is doing at the moment,
I have so many thoughts looping around because I am trying to process something that is very important for me to understand.
I have been learning how to self-regulate.
I see with my kids, just how much they can cope with before meltdown or shutdown….to me these words seem strange because I really don’t know much from what books say about Autism. I know what I live and I speak in my Lisa lingo.
I will explode or implode, because that is how it’s always been. I have lived in and been surrounded by Autism my whole life. I didn’t know there was another way. I didn’t have anyone to ask.
My brain never stops,
I am constantly processing at least 3 major thoughts. Conversation takes up quite a few loops. Trying to listen and understand, watching out for any facial expressions and body language. Trying to filter out any background noise, or stop my own twitching from the lighting in the room.
Then trying to talk back… Will I say the right thing? How do I need to say that? What type of facial expression do I use when I say that? I need to try and keep my hands still, try to look at their face not the floor, and the list goes on.
That is one conversation, now imagine a group, a party. Now add 3 more major thoughts on top of 6 conversations. All still cycling and looping around. Trying to filter… Trying to make sense…Trying to stay calm.
In my own environment
Where I feel loved and accepted, with all this going on inside my head.
I was actually quite physical with this as a child, I learnt that I shouldn’t be and once I could verbalise how I felt I became VERY loud, with MASSIVE attitude.
Society demands conformity,
Constantly being told you are wrong you are bad is where implosion starts. I started to internalise all the confusion and try to make sense of it on my own. In my own bubble of self hate. All this I did as a small child, and Lisa got hidden in a box.
A shutdown to me is the loneliest place on earth,
It is the depths of emptiness and my emotions (with my sensory problems) cause me physical pain.
I thought this happened to everyone, I never thought to ask, no one had told me any different.
I feel very proud of myself this week.
I managed to figure out how not to overload my brain over the weekend. I knew that the party I was going to would give me way too many loops. So I planned a day in, fitting wall to wall carpet on Sunday. When my hands are busy, my brain filters more easily.
This is why I LOVE writing.
I now realise that I need to allow myself the time and space to process. I do this best in prayer.
I have negatively bashed myself up all of my life. I will not do this when praying.
My brain carries on thinking through every conversation I have with every person I am not close to. Acquaintances are extremely confusing for me. So are friends who don’t love and accept me for who I am. I don’t function well if I shutdown. I have to stim, pace and talk to myself, to start my brain back up. It is literally like I have been switched off.
To explode for me is much better,
I might shout it out all wrong and not make much sense but at least it comes out so I’m not hammering myself into the ground.
If I let it out to those who love me, they help me. Because they understand that Aspergers is only part of who I am.
What am I writing about today???
I haven’t quite made the connections yet, I’m still processing it all.
I’ll let you know when I have my light bulb moment.
Love and hugs. xx 🙂