About alienhippy

Hi... I'm Alienhippy, I write about my journey through life, the ups and the downs. I love painting, writing poetry and sharing what I live. I am an adult with Aspergers Syndrome/Dyslexia and mild ADHD. I lived unaware of this until my daughter started school and problems she experienced were memories of my childhood. My daughter has a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Dyspraxia and Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Also my Dad is now diagnosed with Autism…so I think I can quite happily sit somewhere in the middle of the huge spectrum we call Autism. I say happily because for the first time in my life things are now making sense. The pieces of the jig-saw are starting to come together. I am also a Christian and I love to share how God helps me to be me! Love and hugs. xx :)

Happy back to the future day

21.10.2015Couldn’t let today go by without reposting this old poem from 2010


Looking Forward not back!

by Alienhippy

If I had a time machine, where would I go in time?

It’s quite simple really, I’d go back to 1969

I would befriend my own Mother at the age of 19

She’d be pregnant with me, my face yet unseen


I wouldn’t tell her who I was, but…I’d tell her I’m an Aspie

I’d tell her about the problems my Aspie life has dealt me

She wouldn’t have a clue, but her nature would be loving

I saw her heart and will to learn each day as I was growing


I saw how her personality would really confuse my Dad

His inability to socialise made him get really mad

But he couldn’t express in words or write how he felt down

So…we would catch the aftermath of his Autistic meltdown


I’d explain to my Mom the importance, to be aware of what is the trigger

I’d mention about the damage done, when hearing people snigger

I’d talk to her about how things were, when I was just a teen

So she could be aware of reasons I go off into daydreams

I’d tell her what objects she needs to hide, alert her to my depressions

Be aware of all the times and why I skived off so many lessons

I’d tell her about my dyslexia, so she’d get me the help I’d need

She’d find a way to help me cope and maybe learn earlier to read

She’d then understand that I’m not shy, just fearful of rejection

She’d learn to broaden my horizon, not smother me with over protection


But if I had a time machine and I went back in time

I’d change the person that I am…this life would not be mine

All the stuff I’m learning the things I share with friends

The loving strength I feel inside as God helps me to mend


All the memories God can use the bad ones and the good

Would not be mine, I’d not be me, so I don’t think I should

Even think about a time machine, because now God helps me see

That His plan is I’m an Aspie and I can help by just being me



Simplicity is being me.

Photo taken with my mobile

Being Still, making the time to find who I am in Christ, “Listening through the Loops” that are constantly cycling in my head from the hectic run of life. Being Still is something that I really need. I’ve come to realise that I’m not made to be constantly stressed, I don’t work well when my mind is constantly looping with emotional overload or any form of anxiety.

I sometimes find myself filling all the gaps in life with things that don’t really need to be there. I try to avoid all the silent moments and it’s almost like I’m afraid to not keep busy. It’s only when I actually make myself stop, be still, ponder and reflect that then I see clearly. I see that I can sometimes add worries and stress and make myself a lovely lot of my own confusion.

I wrote a poem not long after my 40th Birthday

It is called My Shelf, you can read it over on my poetry blog, “Listening through the Loops” In this poem I express how my whole life I had been bending over backwards trying to make people like me. I’d only ever done what I thought others wanted/needed/expected me to do. I was one big people pleaser.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping others but not when it is to the detriment of my self-worth, my core beliefs, or it affects my family and those closest to me.

Jesus very often would seek out solitude.

He loved all people but He also needed to find Himself with God. He needed to pray alone sometimes, He needed to seek God without distraction. Unconditional love can only be given to others when we truly understand and have received it. We all long to feel loved and to give love to others.

We need to remember to fill up our own tanks. When we are constantly running on empty we just become resentful. This is where I had gotten to when I wrote that poem, I couldn’t cope anymore with being the constant “Yes” girl. Something had to change, I wasn’t being true to myself. I thought I was doing God’s will, running around doing all the deeds, but deeds without love are not what God wants. God’s will for each of us is for us to live life to the full.

This is the last verse of the poem, “My Shelf.”

It has been one long journey to deliver me at this station

As I’ve been twisted inside-out and tortured with frustration

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

It was when I started to say, “No” When I started to explain to people…

“I’m sorry, but I have a different idea and I don’t feel that this plan is actually beneficial to my life.”

It’s amazing how many people disappear out of your life when you start standing up for what you believe. It’s also EXTREMELY WONDERFUL seeing the people who do love you just the way you are. I’m finding that saying, “Let me think about it for a while I’ll get back to you!” is so much easier.

Also reminding myself that guilt is NOT of God

Anyone who makes me feel guilty is putting too much pressure on me, and not thinking of my well-being, therefore not truly loving me, this includes the pressure I put on myself. I can be so unloving towards myself at times.

I’m very grateful for the close friendships God has brought into my life, those who love and accept me for who I am. Those who constantly remind me that they love me unconditionally and know my heart. They help me to understand from both perspectives (Aspie and NT) and never judge me, reject me or ignore me.

I’m learning all the time, I like to learn…it’s good to grow.

I was thinking of a an old poem I wrote and I decided to share it again as it was from WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days and I have over 500 wonderful new readers now. I have changed it slightly and added a different image.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx :)

 Only you Lord Jesus

by Alienhippy

Only you Lord Jesus can fill this gaping hole

Dance around inside my heart, caress my very soul

You took away my sin, grace nailed it to the tree

You are my everything, your comfort sets me free


Nothing can I do to deserve love so complete

I can come to you, lay my all at your feet

Knowing that you care for this life that I live

You will always love me, so my heart to you I give


I don’t know where you’ll lead me, I trust in all your plans

When I’m up and when I’m down, I know I’m in your hands

I’ll just accept the love you give, and know that it’s a gift

And all the songs within my heart, to you my voice I lift


This world is full of darkness, but you make darkness light

With you I face the future, you give me strength to fight

You hold my hand you wipe my tears, I know you always care

Whatever storm I go through, I know that you’ll be there


You’ll give me everything I need, to get through trials I face

You’ll bring me safely home to you, protected in your grace

You forgive me when I lose my way, in all things that I do

So this will always be the call, to come Be Still with you

Start all over again.

It has been a long time since I last posted, over a year has gone by since I last opened a new document with the intent of writing for this space that I once considered to be “a place where I can be me!”

I don’t know why so much time went by without me blogging. I thought that I might have just lost interest in expressing myself. But if I’m totally honest that’s not possible. I believe I allowed fear to creep in and there were also times I just didn’t want to share anymore. I didn’t want to find the time to do something I once loved because I felt afraid to even try. But in saying that… my blog has been in my thoughts and on my heart each and every day but the confidence to write and truly be me again had dwindled. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about writing, but then I let it slip away. I didn’t push through, I found excuses and I found other things to do instead. Days rolled into weeks, months, a year it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from blogging, and the whole blogging scene, that I didn’t know where to start.

I still don’t actually know where to start but I know that when I write – I feel connected and grounded, and when I feel this I am able to release, and through releasing I don’t feel alone in my journey and I don’t have a head full of looping thoughts. Writing helps me to be accountable for my plans and dreams, to make happen the creativity I hold inside.

So I’m starting again. I don’t know where Alienhippy is heading, I don’t know what direction to write in anymore. But that’s kind of exciting. One thing I do know is I’m going to just stick to what I know best…and what I know best is how to just keep being me.

So let’s go back to how I started this blog and why I started this blog.

Alienhippy’s Blog, “a place where I can be me!”

If you would like to catch up on our last 12 months of home education, family fun, our day trips and a whole heap of creativity you are welcome to come follow me on instagram.

Today in our home education journey we sat on a hillside and *CAL sketched the landscape while I crocheted and attempted to write a poem. My poetry will come back, I have faith in that.
Love and hugs. Lisa. x

My inspiration this week is to be still and let God dig out my weeds of insecurity, doubt and distraction. Knowing He will plant and nurture gifts of insight, inspiration and discernment.

“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. :)

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx :)


alien cameleonChameleon
by Alienhippy
I write when I’m emotional, it seems to help at times
But lately I have not pushed through to find my words of rhyme
I let myself shrink back in fear and forgot I had a voice
That who I am is not worth less but I have to stand by choice
I hide when I am trying to please the masses not my needs
And fear and dread turn into pain, my soul and spirit bleeds
Invisible, when in a crowd, a Chameleon act of protection
But still the aching void speaks loud, destructive self rejection
Being confident that I’m enough no need for validation
Just be myself not hide my shine, this traps me in frustration
Be strong enough to walk away and hold my head up high
Better alone living in my truth than to live my life a lie
So now I stand and raise my voice in rhyming words of verse
As images of dancing angst replay, rebuild, rehearse
And as I push me past the zone of comfort one more time
I take deep breaths and know my heart is good yet on the line

Who else is going to share?

Has anyone noticed that I’m not really blogging much these days? I want to, I really do, but every time I open up a fresh document to start typing I feel a bit lost. I don’t know why this has happened, it just has. I have been feeling like this for a few months, I have been finding inspiration in my old posts. I’ve reposted old posts and added a few new poems but nothing I feel I will look back on and say, “Oh yes that was a turning point for me!”

Writing helps me

I will keep pushing through knowing that this will soon pass. I have been having no problems at all with writing in my prayer journal and reflective journal. Also I have shared many deep thoughts and inspirations privately with my closest friends. Its just blogging I’m struggling with. I seem to have lost the effort.

I thought maybe it was because I felt hurt

I have been struggling to comment on blogs because of fear. I have been blogging four year this year and other bloggers have not always been kind. Some have taken me wrong; they don’t know me or see my heart. I stopped commenting a while back and only comment on my friends blogs where I feel safe. Where I know they will protect me if I get taken wrongly or if I get bullied or verbally attacked.

I thought maybe it was time to call it a day and make my blog private. I even thought at one point of deactivating my blog; thank goodness I didn’t as all 667 posts I have shared would now no longer exist.

My not knowing loop is a big black hole

Some time ago my lovely friend Fi, from Wonderfully Wired wrote a post called “The Spinning Question Mark.” In this post was a beautiful conversation that she had with one of her little boys. Both of her sons are on the spectrum and reading about them helps me to remember. They are so very like me in their aspieness, especially *Harley!

In Fiona’s post *Harley speaks to his Mum about seeing in pictures. To me this is my normal; it was only four years ago that I realised that my way of thinking is different. He talks about his spinning question mark when he doesn’t understand something.

Here is small piece from Fi’s post.

So I thought I’d take it further.

“Harley, what do you see if I say the word ‘Volkswagen’? Do you see that same car again?”

“No”. He said. “I see an empty box with a big question mark over it spinning around and around because I don’t know what a Volkswagen is”.

Wow. I knew I was onto something so I dug deeper and asked him: “Do you see a spinning question mark a lot?”

He nodded. “Yes, every time someone says a word that I’ve never heard before. It is what I see when I don’t understand what the other person is talking about. I hate it when I see that question mark. I feel stupid and that’s why I sometimes get angry”

My thoughts that I shared.

My spinning question mark is a hole, a black hole like in space. And yep, when people all talk fast or over each other the pictures make no sense. Talking with one person at a time is so much easier. When in a group of people I can’t really listen and will zone out, daydream on a tangent thought triggered by an image.

I just thought everyone thought like this. It makes so much sense now I know they don’t. No wonder other women can chat like they do. It really fuzzes my head being in a group of women all talking at the same time, way too many pictures bumping into one another…hehe

I cope by either being the quiet onlooker, the one that looks shy and listens. You know me better than anyone Fi; you know I am not shy or quiet. Or, I can cope by being the loud one that doesn’t listen at all, the one with loads of ideas who is a bit bossy. This depends on my confidence level and who the people are.

The pictures are so strong they can stop me from eating. I tried to explain this to Mr Locoman the other day. I cooked a soup and couldn’t enjoy it without my soup spoon. It just didn’t seem to taste at all. I told him that all I could think of is my soup spoon because I am at home and when I am at home eating soup I need to eat it with my soup spoon. I did try a different spoon but the size was wrong and all I kept seeing was my spoon with the pretty engraved roses on it. As a kid I would have refused to eat. As an adult I try to fix things, I try to fix me. So many of my past experiences can be explained by understanding myself and how I tick. Understanding why I am different and why people have treated me the way they have.

I have hope that things will change

I believe that it is when NT parents and adult aspies combine their journeys that we will bring true awareness of Autism. I only know my spectrummy ways but having a friend like Fi (who is NT) helps me to understand the way others think. Also me helping her to see it through my aspie eyes has helped her to understand her boys, she told me so and that has got to be helpful…right?

So, why do I keep sharing?

I share because:

  • I have a head full of thoughts that might just help someone.
  • I have a life time of history on the spectrum.
  • I love all people even when they show very little love in return.
  • I hate the thought of any child going through school unnoticed.
  • I hate the thought of any child sitting thinking of space because of all the black holes in a day. Then being told they are stupid, ignorant, thick or a nuisance.
  • I hurt inside knowing that there are kids whose parents want them fixed.
  • I believe that maybe my life has a purpose and me sharing is a good thing.
  • I know that through fighting my fears I grow and I want to grow and learn.
  • I want people to understand that Autism doesn’t mean lacking empathy.
  • I have traits that are unnoticeable but every day I struggle, writing it out helps me.
  • In writing I have found connections, I no longer feel alone.
  • I have a need to communicate; most people are not interested in what I have to say.
  • I can’t always talk; sometimes I go for days without talking at all even though I want to. I share to release a build up of stored away expression.
  • I need an outlet and writing is very freeing for me.
  • Also…One day I won’t be around to tell my kids about this journey.

I share because it’s the right thing to do even when the fear of being me to the world keeps me awake at night. Even when I know there is a possibility of waking up and finding comments on my blog that are full of hate and manipulation. Even when I know that something I share might not be what someone close to me wants to read.

This is my journey and I will jolly well write about it.

I’m sick of hiding behind a mask, I’m sick of walking on egg shells. I will keep writing and I will probably get it wrong a few more times yet but I will not be sitting in a corner with my coat pulled over my head. That was me at school. I am not a child anymore, I have found my words and I will use my words. People need to know and little aspies can’t speak it out for themselves. I remember and I can write about it, it’s up to others if they want to read. Who else is going to help? Textbooks given to teachers and a few lectures is NOT enough in my opinion. I have lived it and my life is not worthless, it is worth sharing.

Who else is going to share?


Filtering (Autism Awareness)

WIND-jpgsFiltering (Autism Awareness)
by Alienhippy
You would not believe the filters I have to use to free
The processes I go through so I can truly see
The rehearsing and the questions, constant battles in my brain
If I attached a loud speaker, you’d think that I’m insane
It will start with something simple, an interest that gives safety
Or acceptance from a person who likes me for being me
Then that safety forms a blanket that covers all the crap
That the world has thrown upon me, sealed me in my trap
I document my way out through journals and through rhyme
Reflect on change to routine and re-organise my time
Then make plans to share the burden that I feel I may become
Praying to rebuild any damage I have done
I cannot change this process I have lived and I’ve obsessed
I have walked this path for many year alone and left depressed
I have to fight right through it, calling out to God above
Held accepted in His wisdom, His Guidance and His Love
I don’t know how to be any other way
I collect and filter everything so I can have a say
In what goes on within my life, it seems my ways are strange
‘Cause no one else collects these thoughts to interpret every change
I don’t like sitting still too long I feel I will stagnate
I keep my mind and spirit calm avoiding strife and hate
I feel this hope inside me, even though I feel a mess
And in His love I understand my ways are NOT worth less