In searching my truth

In searching my truth

by Alienhippy

In searching my truth

I found the love of God

Divine love has been calling

Whispering my name my whole life

I’d reached the end of my own strength

Admitting to myself

I was just biding time

Waiting on seeking

But never truly seeing

Never really listening

Not wanting to hear

Not wanting to see

Switched off to my senses

In the falling of the leaves came release

A casting away of all that had become

In sequence with changing seasons

My entire being grasped, gasped

Deeply inhaled

Sensed rightness

Exhaled

Sighing in relief

Recognition of soul harmony

The fullest truth of the summer blooms

Revealing to my soul

The flower trapped within

Butterflies and tickle birds

Creating new paths of flight

The key to my heart was given

Love unlocked then opened the door

And in that love

With that love

Through that love

I ventured out

Simplicity is being me.

Photo taken with my mobile

Being Still, making the time to find who I am in Christ, “Listening through the Loops” that are constantly cycling in my head from the hectic run of life. Being Still is something that I really need. I’ve come to realise that I’m not made to be constantly stressed, I don’t work well when my mind is constantly looping with emotional overload or any form of anxiety.

I sometimes find myself filling all the gaps in life with things that don’t really need to be there. I try to avoid all the silent moments and it’s almost like I’m afraid to not keep busy. It’s only when I actually make myself stop, be still, ponder and reflect that then I see clearly. I see that I can sometimes add worries and stress and make myself a lovely lot of my own confusion.

I wrote a poem not long after my 40th Birthday

It is called My Shelf, you can read it over on my poetry blog, “Listening through the Loops” In this poem I express how my whole life I had been bending over backwards trying to make people like me. I’d only ever done what I thought others wanted/needed/expected me to do. I was one big people pleaser.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping others but not when it is to the detriment of my self-worth, my core beliefs, or it affects my family and those closest to me.

Jesus very often would seek out solitude.

He loved all people but He also needed to find Himself with God. He needed to pray alone sometimes, He needed to seek God without distraction. Unconditional love can only be given to others when we truly understand and have received it. We all long to feel loved and to give love to others.

We need to remember to fill up our own tanks. When we are constantly running on empty we just become resentful. This is where I had gotten to when I wrote that poem, I couldn’t cope anymore with being the constant “Yes” girl. Something had to change, I wasn’t being true to myself. I thought I was doing God’s will, running around doing all the deeds, but deeds without love are not what God wants. God’s will for each of us is for us to live life to the full.

This is the last verse of the poem, “My Shelf.”

It has been one long journey to deliver me at this station

As I’ve been twisted inside-out and tortured with frustration

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

It was when I started to say, “No” When I started to explain to people…

“I’m sorry, but I have a different idea and I don’t feel that this plan is actually beneficial to my life.”

It’s amazing how many people disappear out of your life when you start standing up for what you believe. It’s also EXTREMELY WONDERFUL seeing the people who do love you just the way you are. I’m finding that saying, “Let me think about it for a while I’ll get back to you!” is so much easier.

Also reminding myself that guilt is NOT of God

Anyone who makes me feel guilty is putting too much pressure on me, and not thinking of my well-being, therefore not truly loving me, this includes the pressure I put on myself. I can be so unloving towards myself at times.

I’m very grateful for the close friendships God has brought into my life, those who love and accept me for who I am. Those who constantly remind me that they love me unconditionally and know my heart. They help me to understand from both perspectives (Aspie and NT) and never judge me, reject me or ignore me.

I’m learning all the time, I like to learn…it’s good to grow.

I was thinking of a an old poem I wrote and I decided to share it again as it was from WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days and I have over 500 wonderful new readers now. I have changed it slightly and added a different image.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

http://vanderflue.deviantart.com/art/Love-Never-Fails-90920958

 Only you Lord Jesus

by Alienhippy

Only you Lord Jesus can fill this gaping hole

Dance around inside my heart, caress my very soul

You took away my sin, grace nailed it to the tree

You are my everything, your comfort sets me free

˜

Nothing can I do to deserve love so complete

I can come to you, lay my all at your feet

Knowing that you care for this life that I live

You will always love me, so my heart to you I give

˜

I don’t know where you’ll lead me, I trust in all your plans

When I’m up and when I’m down, I know I’m in your hands

I’ll just accept the love you give, and know that it’s a gift

And all the songs within my heart, to you my voice I lift

˜

This world is full of darkness, but you make darkness light

With you I face the future, you give me strength to fight

You hold my hand you wipe my tears, I know you always care

Whatever storm I go through, I know that you’ll be there

˜

You’ll give me everything I need, to get through trials I face

You’ll bring me safely home to you, protected in your grace

You forgive me when I lose my way, in all things that I do

So this will always be the call, to come Be Still with you

“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Accepted, Loved Unconditionally

http://www.healingone.net/

Inspired by Psalm 40

Patiently I wait on words spoken to my heart

I listen through my noise and hear the still small voice

My heart yearns but my spirit calls peacefully

I feel raised from the unknown and set on solid truth

That truth is I am loved unconditionally

An inner peace fills me and my heart sings

My lips have a new song of praise

Fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the one I trust

I look to the heart of the one who gave His life

I know that He is the one to fix my gaze upon

Blessings are at my step as I follow His lead

When I fall I know he will always catch me

When I fail to trust and when I lose hope He remains

His gentle voice spurring me on

Holding me in His love, His light everlasting

Whispering soft reminders of His hopeful, caring promises

He has no desire for sacrifice, but a willing heart

He just calls my name and wants my love

He has me in His heart and He is living in mine

So many do not see or feel this love

They feel that it is not real but I stand in His love

I received His gift and will call out Jesus is Lord

When troubles rise and the waters are deep

His hand is upon me guiding and teaching

So patiently He is always loving

Helping me grow in all I do for Him

His plan for me is always better than my own

Bringing me ever nearer to the image He sees in me

Refining me from the inside starting in the heart

Always providing just what I need, I rest under His wing

Exposed and humbled I stand in His presence

Quickly I am covered by His grace and mercy

New every morning I am washed clean in His love

Accepted and loved, created in unique design

Crafted by the master’s hand

I am enough because He loves me

I can be loved because He loved first

I can love because He shows me the way

He will never leave me, He will never forsake me

I just need to call

Then…Be Still And Know

~

Listen to my cry for help, O God. Pay attention to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you when I begin to lose heart. Lead me to the rock that is high above me. You have been my refuge, a tower of strength against the enemy. I would like to be a guest in your tent forever and to take refuge under the protection of your wings. Selah ~Psalm 61:1-4 (by David)

Letter to little Lisa

As Autism parents it’s heartbreaking at times to see our kids trying so hard to fit. Only those who live it daily can possibly understand. If you have stumbled upon my blog it stands a chance you are in some way interested in knowing about ASD’s.

What makes the difference?

I had a wonderful Mom who loved and accepted me for just being me. My Mom is what made all the difference. I know how much hard work I could be at times, but I always felt loved, accepted and safe when I was at home with my Mom.

I didn’t realize I was spectrummy until after my Mom died and my Dad at the age of 64 was diagnosed with Autism. It was reading about Autism, trying to help my Dad, that first brought me to finding out about Aspergers Syndrome. Reading those first few books, finding out that there were others like me, was like finding my planet. That MASSIVE light bulb moment. But truth being told, it was only when my little girl started school that I truly, deeply made the connection.

A place where I can be me, that’s what my blog is about.

I wrote a letter back in January 2009, it was part of my counseling. In this letter I had just started to understand that I am on the Spectrum. The letter is written to myself as a small child and it was very hard to write it at the time, I felt a lot of guilt and sorrow for my childhood self. I am now at a point where I can share most of this letter. There are a few parts I decided to take out.

I believe….

With early intervention, with nurturing teachers and if school was a kinder environment things could have been so different for little Lisa.

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Dear little Lisa,

It is very hard to write this letter, maybe it is so hard because all of your life I have stopped you from being you. Now I need to take a good look at who you really are, not who this world has made you become. I need to tell you it’s ok to just be you.

This is a scary step because I have spent so long and worked so hard trying to make you fit. I don’t really remember who we are anymore. So please little Lisa can you help me remember so I can help us to be who we are created to be.

My earliest memory is a pair of red slippers with zips up the front. I remember the carpet being fitted on the stairs, you were so terrified of the grippers and your slippers were in your bedroom.

I remember the pink swirly, floral wallpaper in your bedroom and how the light reflected on the walls and ceiling making the flowers seem somehow alive.

I remember your first day at school, the pain of being separated from your Mommy. You screamed all day and held onto the hood of her coat that had detached itself when the teacher dragged you away from her. I remember you feeling totally alone, you were terrified at school by everything going on around you. The other children were so rough and loud they destroyed everything you tried to do. There was no-one who cared enough to stop this. Every time you found a quiet corner someone would come along and make you do something you didn’t want to do.

You loved to sing and make noise with instruments, you loved painting, drawing and playing with clay. You loved climbing and dancing, doing handstands, being upside down and spinning around until you fell over. It didn’t matter that no-one else was doing it, it was fun.

At school the things you liked to do didn’t happen very often and you couldn’t play the games the other kids played. The play ground seemed too dangerous for you, I know I remember, you were always getting knocked over. You didn’t like the running games because you fell over a lot. I remember the special shoes you had, they were blue and built up on the one side to make your feet turn outwards.

I remember your thoughts each day as you went through the school gates, “Maybe today someone will play something I want to play. Maybe today they will be nice to me!”

I remember the time you decided to just be like everyone else. I remember the friends you tried to be like, none of them stayed around for long. You tried so hard to make them like you and each time felt more of a failure.

It’s ok that you couldn’t read you learned eventually, once you found something you were interested in there was no stopping you. Also you were really good at a lot of other things it’s just that at school no one recognised these. They just pointed at what you couldn’t do.

You are creative, you write poetry, you love to paint, your mind solves puzzles and sees things in a way that other people can’t see. You are impulsive, it’s not a lack of organisation it’s a flow of active creativity and your body needs to keep up with your mind, so you fidget a lot. You sing and make up songs and when you are 8 you learn to play the guitar. You’re kind and compassionate and you feel very deeply for people and animals. Sometimes you can’t communicate that and run away because you hurt, but that is ok, you will learn to express these things one day.

Now I want to tell you something, the language that we spoke that no one understood was called echolalia. It helped us and we did learn words and copied other peoples words too. I am learning about this now. I found out about a thing called Aspergers Syndrome, it’s very complicated but it is an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I think this is what is different about us, I’m going to learn about it so we can learn to be us again.

We never did learn how to make a time machine, but it’s ok to dream. Your daydreams take you to wonderful places and they help you to see a happy world of fun and friends. Your imaginary friend is real to you and that’s all that matters, Weena helps you to understand how friends should be and how they should treat you. She stops you from feeling alone and helps you to understand when you are being treated badly in the future.

This letter is getting really long but this is what I want you to know

People will make you change, they will make you conform to what they see as normal. You will be made to feel a freak, weird, thick. Everything you are good at you will be made to feel is unimportant, and the things you find hard will be the things people make you do. You will get to a point in your life when you feel no one cares and people just use and abuse your nature. You will lose all trust and hope but you will always have a safe place. You will always have your secret place to go. They can never take away what you see inside your dreams, what you feel inside your heart.

You grow up innocent and naive because you live in a daydream with people of another time/world a nicer place. But that is ok, it gives you faith and your faith gets you through everything. There will be tough times, times when you are no longer the person you want to be but you are strong enough to get through it and you will learn to say no.

At the end of the day all this is just lessons and it will all pass, you are unique, yes different but not boring. What my adult self wants to say little Lisa is it is great to be you, you just need to realise it.

I am enough

http://www.facebook.com/AnimalsSayItBest

I am enough

by Alienhippy

Gentle guide and lover of my soul, with you I need no other.

In you I see a reflection, a growing of spirit.

You are my strength, you nurture me from within.

Only you can quench my undying thirst.

~

Hidden warmth, a refreshing breath.

I sense your lips of truth.

Giving me rest when all I am is spinning in confusion.

Patiently you wait for me and spur me on in whispers.

~

You are there when I awaken from my darkness.

In my own time, through your love, I am given new direction.

No fear as I look to you, I know you walk at my side.

Safe and secure in your arms the battle is won.

~

Your fruit, your streams refresh my soul.

I long for you alone.

Your tender hand lifts my downcast gaze, restoring my dream.

With the mountain’s peak, my heart will grasp new blessings.

~

Bursting forth an overflow from your unconditional love.

This beauty that chases me, I have no hiding place from it.

I cannot escape for you created my ways.

You meet me in my silence and comfort me in my torment.

~

One way remains.

To step into the treasured place that is your heart, my home.

To know the depth of your love, accepting that I am enough.

My Angel Voice

http://www.layoutsparks.com/pictures/angels-5

My Angel Voice

by Alienhippy

Angel heart don’t be so sad I feel your tears and pain

Bring into you that secret place to live and love again

Don’t waste these days playing hide and seek not understanding why

Just call my name and I’ll be there I’ll raise you up to fly.

~

Angel face I’ll wipe your tears and kiss your aching heart

You feel alone, this I know, but know we are not apart

You’ve ventured out and gotten hurt, it’s time to bring you home

I’ve carried you on all these paths you never were alone.

~

Angel steps you will but tread and lightly follow through

I’ve planted my walk in your heart I gave myself for you

Your chosen name is in my book and I will save your place

So come to me my precious child and know you’re saved by grace.

~

Angel wings will lift you up your soul will feel my peace

To look upon my hidden truth and feel cleansing release

Stand up my child and know my love, I’m with you till the end

For I am your beloved, your saviour and your friend

Listen to the Raven

Today we saw a raven and I thought of Elijah. Then in conversation with a friend I mentioned ravens and God using them to feed His friend. I decided to read a post I wrote some time ago and it helped me today.

In 1 Kings 19. I believe there is some wonderful advice that I have in the past put into practice. It works for me. I need to start finding that special time for me again, to keep doing that which works well with my soul.

I have had many thoughts about Elijah and I have read this chapter quite a few times. This post is one I keep returning to because I keep forgetting to let God look after me.

I have an online Bible devotional come through that is a excellent place to start. There is reference to this as I share my thoughts on Elijah. However the devotional started with Mark 1:35

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

There are two guys I know

Both of them want to please God and both of them are emotional beings. They were created this way and God understands them. They have all the same feelings and hurts as us. They also have the same fears and anxieties too. The one guy I have written a poem about in the past I also painted a picture for him. He is always there when I hit the pit. He is so real to me, so open honest and transparent. His name is Jonah.

The other friend of mine, his named is Elijah

Elijah helps me to get through my worst meltdowns. God has been allowing past hurts to surface lately and things I never believed I would have to face are being healed. In prayer and through tears I feel me growing. God is so good!

Reading 1 kings 19 is a Godsend for me.

When I first got the email I felt totally drained. I really couldn’t be bothered to read it. But that Still Small Voice inside spoke and said, “Read it Lisa!” I said, “No, reading is too hard and I feel like crap!” Again the voice inside said, “Read it!” I struggled with this for a bit, but I know when God directs it is always for our good. His plans are to prosper not harm.

This is part of what I received and decided to follow.

In the Bible we see many who experienced times of burnout. After Jonah’s miraculous delivery from the big fish and prophetic announcement to the people on Nineveh, he sank into a depression and wanted to die (Jonah 4:3). After Elijah called down fire from heaven that miraculously burned up the sacrifices of Baal, the fire in his own life went dim (1 Kings 18-19). Elijah prayed, “I have had enough, LORD. Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4). Both of these men wanted to quit.

How do we avoid those same feelings of burnout? The first step is to realize that it can happen and does happen to the best of us.

What was God’s response to Elijah?

Let’s take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 19.

• He allowed Elijah to sleep. (19:5) – rest
• He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat. (19:5) –  refreshment
• He allowed Elijah to sleep again. (19:6) – more rest
• He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat again. (19:7) – more refreshment
• He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing. “What are you doing here?” (19:9) – reflection
• He spoke to Elijah personally. (19:11) – response
• He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing, again. “What are you doing here?” (19:13) – reflection
• He told Elijah what to do next. (19:15) – redirection
• He showed Elijah who He had appointed to help him. (19:16) – reinforcement

Rest

Refreshment

Rest

Refreshment

Reflection

Response

Reflection

Redirection

Reinforcement

Burnout happens when I focus on people and fitting in.

That includes me thinking too much about myself too.

“You can’t see yourself “in yourself,”

you have to learn to see yourself in Christ.”

~A Joyce Meyer’s fb status.

There was a reason why Jesus went off to solitary places to pray.

If Jesus had to do it maybe I should be more willing to do it too. My shutdowns are not such a bad thing if I give them to God at the foot of the cross. But I do believe that if I was more ready to listen, I wouldn’t overload myself in the first place.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

My Aspie sleep patterns, reminder why I blog.

Today I received a comment on an old post called “Loopy Loopy Loopy” I wrote this post while in a shutdown and have NO RECOLLECTION of writing it, what so ever. I KNOW I write a lot so this is not a concern, but it did make me wonder why I was shutdown? What was going on for me at that time? What had I been absorbing? I can see now what it was, and I can see I needed my safe place.

I very often re-read my old posts

It’s good for me to see what I have learned.It’s great when I am reminded of them, this took me on a mooch of that month. I found this post while mooching my blog and thought I’d reshare it.

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Anyone who is familiar with the Autistic Spectrum will know about sleep problems. I read my friends post this morning called

“Sleep is an enigma here” about her little boy having great trouble with sleeping and how it affects the whole family. I decided to write about my sleeping difficulties and the pattern I have noticed.

I believe that my brain has cycles of learning and times where I can’t learn at all. As I am dyslexic and have read very few books about Autism I have to just explain in my own way. I call this my Lisa Lingo and it helps me to understand things for myself.

My sleep patterns and learning

As far as I know I seem to have four and they relate to my learning cycles.

I have had to give them names to help me understand.

1. Airy-Fairy.

2. The absorber.

3. Loopy-Leesy-Loo.

4. The retreat.

Airy-Fairy

Airy-Fairy is a nick name my Mom gave me as a child, meaning I lived with my head in the clouds. It is a very peaceful learning mind where I am totally happy, daydreaming, content and a bit vague. I am very certain about everything in my life and I float around oblivious. This is a mood and mind I would love to have most of the time and when I am like this sleeping is easy, it’s my Aspie-happy place, however I do have strange dreams that are very vivid and usually linked to something God is helping me to understand.

The absorber

This learning mind needs to feed, it absorbs EVERYTHING!!!!!

When I am like this I will absorb everything I see, hear, smell, taste, touch. I will create visual replays and overlay in my head. It is a time when I feel a need to handle things, smell things, rub them on my face. I have to experience them, not just see them. My Mom used to say, “You don’t have eyeballs on your fingers, you don’t need to touch everything!” But I know now that I do, I learn something by handling.

This is also the time I can actually be close to people, I’m not familiar with. I can touch them and not feel weird about it. But I do notice everything about them, even what they don’t say I seem to see it in their eyes. This is the time I can just blurt out those personal questions and statements, making people very uncomfortable. But I can tell they are not good and I need to know the truth. Eye contact is alot easier when I’m absorbing. Although some people can be very scary when I am in this mind. But it is also lovely to act a bit like everyone else and naturally touch people that I warm to. But I don’t seem to have control over it, I have in the past done things like flick dandruff off a person’s shoulder or pick a hair off their jacket. This is ok with close friends, family but NOT with someone you have only just met. hehehe

I have to be careful in this learning mind if I absorb negativity it will cause nightmares and fear of sleeping. I will wake up about 2-4 times a night in this mind but if I have answers to most things in my head I can return to sleep. Also prayer is great when I am like this. I can pray myself back to sleep.

Loopy-Leesy-Loo

This is a nick name one of my best friends gave me.

With this learning mind of mine I am getting to full capacity. I have absorbed as much as I can and I am seeing puzzles everywhere and talking nonstop. With this I also see answers, connections and ways of fixing things, creating things and being totally and COMPLETELY focused. However if my mind and sensory are fed with negative or are overwhelmed, overloaded I can go into complete panic. Then I will shutdown or meltdown depending on how safe I feel, what environment I am in. This is where having faith helps me so very much.

Sleeping when I am looping is hard, I can’t switch my brain off, it can drive me nuts, so it is really hard to get to sleep with so much going on in there. I have to be physically exhausted and even then I will only sleep four hours before waking. I usually get up and write it out and pray it out. As a child I would end up in bed with Mom. Very often both me and my brother were like this at the same time and Mom would have us both babbling to her. I remember she bought us a tape recorder and told us to talk to that and she would listen when she was awake…giggle. She was funny my Mom. 🙂

I don’t have nightmares as such with this learning mind, more wanting to solve things and understand things better. But it can keep me awake all night and also I can go into anxiety with this.

The retreat

I have called it this because I know that even though I have shutdown, I am with God I am filtering and preparing. It is from my shutdowns and giving them to God that I learn the most life changing lessons. From deep in the pit, knowing He is there with me helping me piece it all together, I know now that I will ascend with new understanding. When I am in retreat I have to just do what I can to function. I have to keep praying for God to bring me out. It is not a place I like to go but I know now that I will learn my most valuable lessons from here.

When I am in this place sleeping happens because I am completely drained. I have to be kind to myself and I have to do whatever makes me happy. Using my creativity is my way out and I find God speaks to me through what I am doing or through simple things, through the still quiet voice.

I sleep quite well when I’m in retreat but very often wake up feeling upset, angry, alone and I can’t understand why.

Why I wrote this out.

I thought that as I am seeing this with myself, maybe others have their own patterns too. I like to share what I learn on my personal journey of self discovery. I have always felt so alien and alone, sharing helps me to not feel this way. I also know there are SO many undiagnosed Aspies out there seeking answers. Some of you may never comment, but you are reading. Maybe something I write in my silly Lisa Lingo will help you feel that you are NOT alone and you are NOT alien.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Lessons from Geese

http://www.coastal.edu/hreo/lit/geeselesson.php

While gazing out of a window together my daughter *CAL and I observed geese flying in formation. It was no ordinary experience for us, let me explain why. The sun was starting to set, there was a clear deep orange glow being sent high above such a moody clouded grey sky. The tops of the wings of these geese were reflecting out silver folds as they flew. We watched them for quite some time and just as one formation faded into the distance another came into view. They were silhouetted against the fading light as they disappeared over the pine trees beyond our sight but we could still see the flashes of the sun beaming from each flap of a wing.

It was so beautiful to watch, I would have loved to paint this amazing scene but the window we were both staring out of was in McDonald’s. It would have been lovely to have a camera that would have captured this gorgeous image. I chose to store this wonder in my mind for the next time I’m mood painting to music. Awesome inspiration!

It made me ponder on the artistry of our creator God such beauty surrounding us. We were in a noisy fast food restaurant grabbing a quick meal. It was my little girl who pointed out this spectacular flying poetry, I was too busy messing on my mobile and stuffing my face. How and why do I fall into the trap of not seeing outside of my own existence?

Lessons from geese, lessons from God, they are everywhere when I stop, look and listen with my heart. “Through the eyes of a child,” is always good advice.

Philippians 2:1-4 (NIV1984)

Imitating Christ’s Humility

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

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LESSONS FROM GEESE

(by Milton Olson, adapted by Angeles Arrien)

FACT 1

As each goose flaps its wings it creates an “uplift” for the birds that follow. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.

LESSON

People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are travelling on the thrust of one another.

FACT 2

When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front of it.

LESSON

If we have as much sense as a goose we stay in formation with those headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their help and give our help to others.

FACT 3

When the lead goose tires, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies to the point position.

LESSON

It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and sharing leadership. As with geese, people are interdependent on each other’s skills, capabilities and unique arrangements of gifts, talents or resources.

FACT 4

The geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

LESSON

We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there is encouragement, the production is much greater. The power of encouragement (to stand by one’s heart or core values and encourage the heart and core of others) is the quality of honking we seek.

FACT 5

When a goose gets sick, wounded or shot down, two geese drop out of formation and follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with it until it dies or is able to fly again. Then, they launch out with another formation or catch up with the flock.

LESSON

If we have as much sense as geese, we will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong.

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