Going out on a limb

http://www.stcolumbasdrung.net/061209.htm

Going out on a limb here, don’t hate me for it. I’m only human and trying to make sense of each day, one day at a time, the same as everyone else.

I wrote a post back in June and I never shared it on Alienhippy. I was afraid of the come back, I was also afraid that people would get the wrong impression.

I just want to be very clear about this

I am NOT in any way against the Christian Church. I believe that God created us to be a family and that within a loving, accepting family of believers the true Church is an amazing and nurturing environment. I have also met MANY beautiful people within my faith. People who have loved me and accepted me with all my quirks. However, my experience since sharing my daughters diagnoses and my own struggles with Aspergers have not always been positive. We are all only human and we all fall short. We all have limitations and we all have our own way of seeing things.

I’m pretty sure that quite a few Christian Aspies will relate to this post. I’m sharing it because I really hate the thought of someone losing their faith in God because of the way some people make Him to be.

So this is the post I wrote

At 5am this morning I sat praying in bed, crying because I so wanted to feel that I could cope with going to church. Every Sunday morning I have the same conversation with myself, it goes something like this.

“Maybe this week I will be ok? Maybe I won’t absorb so much and I will be fine on Monday morning? Maybe I won’t get judged for having to distract my loops? Maybe I can find a church where I can be me? Maybe I will be understood and not expected to perform?”

And the list goes on.

I have come to terms now with the fact that most church going Christians see me as a church hopper, therefore weak in my faith. But I have found that when people don’t know me, they don’t expect anything of me. Therefore don’t judge me when I struggle to deliver what they expect.

Aspergers is so misunderstood

It’s an invisible disability and I can pass as “normal” I can keep up the pretence for quite some time. In fact I can secretly keep it up and look good, put on the show, for about three years. Then I feel so hurt because NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME! But when I explain just who I am and how I struggle I am met with the most ridiculous statements.

Here are a few…

“Really, you look normal to me!”

“Oh I had depression for 20 years, I decided to not be depressed.”

“Well if you have decided to be Autistic then you will find excuses.”

“You need to stop reading the psychology books and get back into the theology books.”

“Your mobile is just a way of you not listening or being part of things.”

“Stop texting.” (I was actually taking notes, I have Bible online)

“ASD is not real, self discipline will soon sort that out.”

“Your problem is you take things personally, just let it go over your head.”

“You are intelligent enough not to act autistic.”

”Why do you have to be an Aspie, you weren’t one before?”

“You did so much before, why can’t you do the same now?”

“If you want to please God you will do what needs doing.”

These are just off the top of my head, the list is so much longer than this.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, I love God, I believe Jesus is the Son of God, I believe in the Christian faith, I believe the Bible is the word of God, I also believe in God’s Church.

But if I was in a wheelchair would I be expected to leave it at the door?

If I was blind, would my guide dog be unwelcome?

I can also see that we are all a long way off

I am struggling to write this because of my religious background. I feel judged before even posting it. I am judging myself on not being perfect, I feel like I could be giving the wrong impression and making the church look bad. That’s the last thing I want to do as it is nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or God’s Church. It’s more to do with how we as humanity view others, ourselves and our beliefs.

Where do we put our value? What is our treasure?

Is it religious self righteousness? Perfectionism? Tradition?

Or do we listen to our hearts and God’s still small voice?

Faith? Hope? Love? Compassion? Empathy? Grace?

I see a pattern as I read my Bible.

Do you see it too?

Jesus went from town to town preaching the good news. He went into the places of worship and each time he was met with mostly hostility because he challenged a tradition. He preached about unconditional love and the kingdom of God in the hearts of little children.

He sat on hill sides and in boats. I imagine him sitting under trees with children playing their games around Him.

Jesus went from town to town. I find that interesting?

Does that mean He was a church hopper too?

Galatians 5:22-26

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

 

July, the month to be real

http://www.poemsbycc.com/DavidAndGoliath.html

I’ve come to realise that open, honest and real are not really the ways of this world. Yes, there are some extremely amazing people who have these values. They are qualities I strive for daily in who I am in my walk as a Christian. Open, honest and real is what I pray to be.

Fear is a horrible thing that stops us from growing and stops us from being our true selves. It stops us from being close to people and it stops us being close to God. It’s like a deteriorating spirit that consumes and manifests in all we try to be. It eats away at us and turns our hope and joy into confusion. In my case many loops of not knowing, these loops will eat up whole days if I let them.

I went to church this morning

I faced my fear and I went alone. I went to a new church with a large congregation and I knew absolutely no one there at all. But I did walk in knowing God had brought me to this place and He spoke to me very clearly while in this service.

“It’s time to face yet another fear Lisa, you are never alone.”

The message was about two kinds of ships that keep us afloat in our spiritual journey, friendship and worship. I emailed one of my closest friends after this service and she laughed because she had also heard of a ship that keeps a Christian afloat…this ship is fellowship.

I have been pondering on this post for a few hours now

It’s what I call a hover-post, because I know I will hover over publish. 🙂

My mind has been trying to talk me out of it. But my heart is saying it is the right thing to do. I need accountability, I need structure, I need routine and I need self discipline. Blogging is my best form of fellowship. I have fellowship not just with other believers but also with other Aspies and parents of Aspies. I have fellowship with other artists and poets, story writers and journal keepers. Also through my two years of blogging God has brought close friendships into my life. Friendship on a deeper level than I have ever had before. But I feel that lately my quiet times have been a little on the lazy side. My worship needs to be more heartfelt. I thought I’d give something a try and do it the Alienhippy way.

For the month of July I am going to post every day.

I am going to set time aside each day to read, pray and post in open honesty.

Yes… this could go horribly wrong…giggle. I understand this I’m not stupid I know that some days I will hide and not speak to a living soul (apart from my kids of course)

My Aspieness can hit a limit and I will shutdown completely. But even from my shutdowns I speak to God and I do write down my cries for help from my pit of despair and not knowing. These tend to come as poems some are prayers and some are like the psalms. I can brave this Goliath in my life and share my calls to God.

I thought I’d start by reading about David

The preacher today spoke of King David and he is the inspiration behind my idea. I’m not saying I will stay with David my tangents take me all over the place. I’m not saying I will post scripture and Bible study throughout July either. I really don’t know where I’m going with this, but I think it will be fun. King David is a starting point and I know with my Aspie brain I need somewhere to start. My faith is very much part of who I am, it is the inspiration and motivation behind all I do. Jesus is in my heart, so in the month of July I’m going to share whatever God puts in me to share. I’m going to be helping myself spiritually while doing this.

In the month of July I am just going to be me

After all this is Alienhippy’s Blog, “A place where I can be me!”.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm —
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

The Teddy Bear Diploma.

I find that writing brings me healing, it’s part of my process and helps me in prayer. Please know that I’m sharing this post because I have worked through it over the last few days.

If you are wanting to read a light and fluffy post, this is not the one. My Blog is a place where I can be me. At times that means I need to be intense and gut level honest with myself with where I am at.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

My lovely Mom

“Open your mouth Mom, try to keep this spoon full of Weetabix in your mouth please.” I smile at my Mom and spoon feed her as she sits in the hospital bed with a flannel on her head, thinking she is a university professor. I prepare myself for the next showering and just as predicted my lovely Mom blows the Weetabix out in a raspberry all over my face. I wipe my face again and get another spoon full. One thing I am certain of, my Mom is going to eat something while I’m there.

The door opens and a lovely lady vicar walks in, she had visited earlier and she knew my Mom well. My stomach churns and I feel anger bubbling up inside me. I couldn’t stand being in the same room as anyone who represented religion. My Mom looks at me smiles and says, “Look Lisa, can you see the sparklies?” She points above the lady vicars head and waves her hand around smiling to herself.

I look at the lady vicar, fake a smile and say, “My Mom is being the professor of reality today, that’s why she has a flannel on her head. She got her degree in the university of life.” I wait for something religious to come out of her mouth. She says nothing, just gives a loving smile and she sits down next to my Auntie. Every part of me wants to be away from her, wants her out of the room but I know in my heart that her presence is comforting for my Mom. I pass the Weetabix to my Auntie and ask her to carry on feeding and tell her I needed to go for a walk, find my sister and my baby *CAL.

The year is 2001, around this time in June

My Mom had gone from being a healthy working lady to having an acute psychosis in a matter of days. Things were about to get much worse and we had no way of knowing. One in a thousand the statistics show. Mom was that one. The next lot of medication was about to take Mom from acute psychosis to neuroleptic malignant syndrome.

I had lost my faith

The religious sect I had been part of had messed with my childlike understanding of God and out of total fear I had rejected all forms of religion. I was angry, I was hurting, I felt so desperately alone and I thought I was going to hell. So in an attempt to keep functioning and living my life, I chose to reject everything I had once believed in.

Mom never recovered totally

The reaction to the medication did wear off after 4 months, but she was in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She died age 55 but in the 3 years she was disabled God used her to restore the faith that religious manipulators had taken from me. My Mom brought Jesus back into the equation. She wasn’t perfect and boy did she have a temper at times. What she always held onto, Jesus was her friend, He would get her through. God loved her unconditionally and one day she would see her Mom and Dad again in Heaven.

Teamwork…we made it work!

Dad gave up work and he became Mom’s fulltime carer. Every day I helped Mom get out of bed, washed and dressed. We’d sit and chat and plan the day. Dad is Autistic so he needed guidance with everything. We planned when the washing needed doing, what days to vacuum, what days they would go out and where they would go. My sister came every afternoon and sorted all Mom’s medication, kept her company and helped Dad to do what needed doing. Mom had always looked after everyone and now she couldn’t. For the first few months she was still slipping into mild psychosis. She had no strength, her one hand would sometime still cycle and some days she couldn’t breathe well.

I have wonderful memories of who she was

I had a beautiful Mom and I was blessed to have her for 35 years. We were so very precious to her, we were her life. Even while she was so ill she still kept giving unconditional love. One day Dad had left Mom at my house, he left her in her wheelchair in my front room. *CAL was about 2 years old and Mom was chatting to her while she was playing on the floor, they were watching Dora the explorer. I popped into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and when I came back into the room my Mom was sat on the floor playing toys with her precious baby Grandaughter.  I said, “Mom, what are you doing? How did you get on the floor? How am I going to get you back into your chair?” She giggled at me and said, “Well, Nanny’s are meant to play so I threw myself onto the floor. I’m not sitting in that thing when there are toys to play with. And, as for getting me back in that thing….I’ll stay on the floor till your Dad gets here. If I get tired just throw me some cushions.”

That’s who she was, to me that’s what being a Nanny is about.

Both my Nans and my Great Grannies were the same. I wish my kids could have had their Nanny for longer. I wish my *CAL could remember who she was. I wish my little nephews would have met her, little *EJ looks so much like her. I know she would have loved reading my blog, she loved my poetry and my art. She always made me feel like she could make everything better.

While she was psychotic

My Mom made me what she called my Teddy Bear diploma. It is an orange folder with all my achievements in it. They are not massive achievements in worldly standards, but everyone of them was something that terrified me. Something Mom talked me through, she broke things down and made them simpler. After Mom died I carried on collecting my Teddy Bears in this folder. Simple things that caused me fear, but I found a way to do them. Mom taught me how to think things through, to step back and look at them differently. To believe that God would help me find a way. To have faith and keep trusting in Jesus one day at a time. I have collected all sorts of bits and pieces that no one apart from me knows the meaning of.

I see my blog as an extension of my folder

Every time I publish I have a certain amount of fear that I pray about, then push through it. Mom was very good at letting me babble, I know that sometimes she would turn her hearing aid off and just smile and nod. But for me it was being able to sit face to face and have no fear of being myself. Feeling totally loved and accepted for who I am and knowing she would give her last breath for every member of her family.

No she wasn’t perfect but she was my perfect Mom.

Look Above

by Alienhippy (Sept 04)

As time goes by we see courage

From people we know or we love

When we’re least expecting to see it

We see someone we know turn above

~

A person gets strength from believing

And encouragement from feeling their worth

In times of trial, we curl up and cry

This instinct we are given at birth

~

To take all our problems inward

Makes our hearts break our minds ache

To give in to prayers and petitions

Is the thing we should do as we wake

~

The fear we feel of the unknown

Is what makes us take on all our woes

But when we learn to trust in the Lord

The worry and pressure….. it goes

~

God gave us His Son our example

For our sins he felt pain on the cross

So when we are lost and don’t know where to turn

We should follow our saviour…..Jesus

(I wrote this poem for my Mom the month before she died)

Love by imitation.

http://wmlions.org/

As an Aspie I know what it’s like to live a life of imitation. To be drawn to the brightest personality in a room. To watch in silence and long to be like them. To study and learn their ways, rehearse in visual replays, then put on the mask to perform for the crowd. I did this for many years and in those years felt so much pain, so much fear, so much rejection and so much self loathing.

It is something I still struggle with and pray about every day.

To keep…..

“JUST BEING ME!”

We all learn by imitation

But I have come to realise that we can also try to love by imitation. I mean losing oneself totally putting oneself on hold and modifying aspects of oneself in hope that people we like what we present. I have done this out of love, but found I wasn’t loved back. I was showering my love on the wrong person.

I think that a lot of people, even those who seem confident, have their own issues, their own fears and self hates. It’s just that a lot of people are not open about it. They hide these things because they want to be perfect or they don’t want people to know that they struggle. So a perfect imitation of the self they portray is not really what they are looking for. Especially if they don’t like themselves much for not being perfect.

We all have a hole in our hearts

It is God shaped. No matter how much love we give and receive without receiving God’s unconditional love we are always going to be searching. Searching for more, for deeper, for honesty, for openness and promises. I have been doing this all my life and now realise just how much pressure this puts on any relationship. It was my own insecurity that made me keep looking to others. To those that seemed more confident, “together” with life. Those who seemed to have “made it” and had gained respect. Or those who were just very out of themselves.

In essence….I can see

I believe now that what I have been seeking has always been within me.

The love and acceptance I have longed for was because I never loved or accepted myself. Therefore could not receive the love and acceptance of others because as an Aspie I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand outside of my own ways and felt rejected for what I was able, or unable to give. I couldn’t read the signs and would analyse it wrongly based on my past hurts. I stored up all the negative which then caused reactions within me as I tried to do new things or enjoy new people.

God brings me healing for this and I will be forever grateful to Him for opening my eyes. It was not easy accepting healing and I have had to pray daily for His guidance and to have the confusion in my head transformed. All those years of negativity turned to positive and now can be used to help others stuck in the darkness, the loneliness that not knowing can bring.

I trust in my Saviour and I knew He would show me. I’m not totally there yet, but each day becomes easier and I see His blessings before me.

Love by imitation

I first learned to imitate my Mom, she was a safe person for me to imitate. She loved me unconditionally and she loved and had faith in Jesus. I learned to wear her mask because I knew I was like my Dad. My Dad had and still has a lot of self hatred. This is because he is Autistic and has never felt he belonged. My Dad has never learnt about how his traits affect his everyday life. He doesn’t understand how his misunderstanding of others, the bitterness he holds inside, is only hurting him.

I know in my heart that my nature is to imitate.

I cannot be any other way it is how I am wired. So I look now not to those who can never fill my void but to God living in me. I look to who God created me to be.

I “Listen through the Loops” the many loops of my Autistic mind.

And I wait on God’s perfect timing.

God is love and I know that He will always be there for me.

I’m not talking about church, I’m not talking about Christianity, I’m not talking about others meeting my needs, or about serving and deeds. I have been very hurt/damaged by religion and the religious, forgiveness is for us so we don’t become bitter. I’m talking about personal walk with Christ. My own journey through life with my guide and counsellor the Holy Spirit.

What I see in the Bible about God’s Church

Church is not about a building, it should be about family, God’s family here on earth. But churches are social places filled with all sorts of different people, from all walks all carrying loads of baggage. They are all struggling to find who they are in God, or they are stripping down who they are to find God beneath their pride. I have been in both pairs of shoes and if people are honest they know they have too.

The problem with social places is those on the spectrum have fear from the start. Just being in groups of people is a shock to our system. We are battered inside by the noise of others and we see every detail that is presented before us. We take every challenge from the pulpit personally and we are so overwhelmed by the whole ordeal we shutdown and can’t process everything in our heads.

NOW….DON’T YOU THINK IT’S INTERESTING

JESUS PREACHED OUTSIDE? 🙂

I like to believe in what is good

I believe that all people want to be loved, want to give and receive love and that is what God is about. I know there are also some nasty people in this world but if I think on those I would never leave my house. I think a lot of people (Aspie and NT) when hurting look for an escape. I know I have lived in films, in fantasy, my special interests and it has been a wonderful place for me. But I also need to live. I need to live my life to the full just as Jesus promised I could, through the freedom He brings through the gift of the Holy Spirit.

So to love by imitation to me is not wrong

As long as I imitate Christ.

No longer looking to those in a room who I think are the Bee’s knees, but to Christ living in me and bringing me healing each day. To the love I have in my heart given by Him to love others. Sharing that love in my spirit and each day growing into His likeness. No longer hiding, no longer fearing but seeing Him in me and the brightness of Him shining from me. Accepting my humanity, my failings, my hurts and laying them at His feet, knowing he will grow me from the inside. Trusting in His perfect plan.

I pray each day to be all He has created me to be, and embrace the joy of my journey.

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit,”

(2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV)

What I read this morning.

2 Corinthians 3-4

Aspieness…is my habit!

Image found on Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Quite a few things have been going on in Alienhippy corner over the last few months. One of the main things that I have been holding onto and helping myself with is being authentic, being the original me against all odds. I was praying the other day and God reminded me of something very unusual but also very healing for me. I thought I’d share about this and pass on a little bit more of the inside workings of my Alienhippy mind.

Let’s go back in time, I love time travel.

Now…we are at my Mom and Dad’s home with some of their friends. We are all eating, laughing, singing, and having fun. These friends of the family are all male and part of the Franciscan order. They have taken a vow of poverty and my Mom and Dad see them as brothers and very often will have them stop for dinner.

One of the brothers is my sisters best friend and he loves kids, he has a gift of being a natural teacher. My little *CAL is sat singing nursery rhymes with him and *AJ is chatting his head off.

The brothers do manual work helping in the local community and the only pay they receive is kindness shown by those who understand who they are.

Jump forward a few years, after my Mom’s funeral.

We had a small get together after the service and quite a few of Mom’s work friends, neighbours and distant relatives came back to the house. Me and my sister were playing Mom’s favourite music and remembering who she was. People were friendly but quiet, we understood this and was just going with the flow.

Now this is where I see a similarity

Mom’s friends, her true friends, those who knew her best, knew her spiritually. Those who were there for her while she was ill and in a wheel chair arrived later as they knew what would happen. Three Monks and two vicars, all wearing what Monks and vicars wear. I saw Mom’s friends, others saw Habits and Dog Collars and the room cleared pretty quickly. I mean you could cut the tension with a knife. I remember giggling and saying to the one brother, “Whoops brother *T you cleared the room we can dance now!” and he said, “It’s the dress it puts them off…giggle!”

Since taking off the mask I have noticed this

When in my confidence I tend to scare people away, I don’t know why when all I want to do is love and accept them and be myself. So I have decided that it must be my invisible habit. But those who do truly love and accept all that is me, get to know the many me’s there are.

I have mastered many personas, I have learned to imitate those I have respected. Each one of them has given me something special that will always be a part of me. I know how to not get rejected, I know how to act. But if the only way to stay part of the norm is to live a false life then I don my habit and wear it with pride. Autism has a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff, I feel safe with those who accept me for me.

Yesterday we had a massive problem to sort out

My Dad is Autistic and cannot read, he was in a mess and there is only me, my sister and my Mom’s little sister who really know who my Dad is. We know how he hurts and we know how alone he feels.

While standing in an office about to deal with the mess my Dad had been tricked into. (Vulnerable adult and way too trusting) My sister leans over to me, gives me a firm yet loving look and whispers, “Remember, we are Neuro-typical today!”

With this I nod and say, “Ok sis!”

My sister is the one who has to sort out all paperwork for our family, she deals with all the difficulties that being dyslexic puts onto both my Dad and me. I own my dyslexia, I see how it can be used to seek the positive, I see how when in the right frame of mind it is a gift. My Dad has been ridiculed his whole life and will never tell anyone he struggles in this way because of the bullying and emotional torture he has lived through.

I can act Neuro-typical, but it’s not who I am.

Every mimicked part of my being is also a little bit of me, I’m learning to merge them so I’m not so intense and extreme in certain areas of my life. I was reminded of a song I used to sing as a child, the lyrics and the video really do capture a special part of my Me-ness.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Galatians 3:26-29 (GNT)

It is through faith that all of you are God’s children in union with Christ Jesus. You were baptized into union with Christ, and now you are clothed, so to speak, with the life of Christ himself. So there is no difference between Jews and Gentiles, between slaves and free people, between men and women; you are all one in union with Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are the descendants of Abraham and will receive what God has promised.

His Eye is on the Sparrow, His hand is on my heart.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Sometimes you just know when God is speaking to you and other times life can be so noisy we just can’t hear Him. I am a big believer in getting quiet time each day, because I know that if I don’t, it makes my Autistic traits far worse for me to cope with.

This morning as I was reading my favourite Christian blogs I was reminded of an old post of mine. It’s funny how God does that, nothing quite as challenging as seeing your own words. I have been feeling that I needed to find ways of…

“Just being me!” again.

Since coming out Aspie there have been a lot of hurtful things said to me and I have gotten to the point now where I feel I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. People will either accept me for who I am or they won’t.

So I just want to say…Thank you God for loving me.

Also I would like to thank Richard for being just who he is,

“Richard your posts are a blessing my friend.”

This is the link to Richards post, Speaking Silently.

Richard is very real and his sharing of his walk with Jesus is very honest and open.

Love and hugs everyone and enjoy the re-post.

Lisa. xx 🙂

******************************************************************************

His Eye is on the Sparrow.

(November 21, 2010)

When I first started blogging I was in hiding.

I had gotten to a point of near breakdown and the world was just too much for me to handle. I only shared my Art and Poetry to start with. I didn’t really talk to anyone. A very special person came along and started to help me. She became my first friend and helped me to open up and start sharing a little of myself through my blog.

I have made lots of friends through my blog since and you are all very dear to me. Because of the encouragement from bloggyland I am learning to be me.

~

God certainly works in mysterious ways

Who’d have guessed that He would come and find me hiding in the internet…God is so good!

But…I guess He did send a big fishy to fetch Jonah….giggle… I’m, so strange. Where do these thoughts come from???

When my internet first started to play up I sent my lovely friend an email, from my sisters. My friend told me to reach out to God because He will pick me up.

I have been doing this, because I have felt very cut off and really quite alone. I didn’t realise how much we all used the internet it’s just something we do without thinking.

Anyway…..

I prayed about this obviously (in my childlike way) I asked God to switch it back on again, first of all.

“Had a little bit of an Aspie meltdown…or was it a tantrum Lisa?” Thank you little voice, I know. You don’t have to keep butting in. I will tell them.

Then I thought… well what can I learn from this???

Well… now I know!

I love my blog, and all my bloggy friends. I miss going onto YouTube and watching my videos, I can’t watch the TV it causes me to much negative and then it cycles.

I miss reading my friends blogs, seeing how you all are.

I miss my comments and replying to my comments.

I miss searching around on Google looking for cartoons to go with my posts.

I love that I can entertain myself doing this. I often can’t stop giggling while looking.

This morning I woke up and just wanted to sing to God.

I had had a dream, quite a strange dream actually where I was chatting with God.

God said to me, in this dream, that when I sing it comes straight from my heart and sounds beautiful to Him.

Then I said to God, “But I think my voice sounds awful God!”

Then He giggled and said…”By the time it comes to me it is perfect, so keep singing to me.”

So this morning I woke up all excited about singing to God.

I ran downstairs in my Jim-Jams, into the conservatory, grabbed my guitar and sang to Jesus.

I was looking out onto my garden, its autumn here and there are leaves everywhere.

Right outside my window a little girl Sparrow perched on the fence only 3 feet away from me.

She looked straight at me. I could see her little dark eyes. She kept tilting her little head from side to side listening to me sing.

Now I know birds do this, I once had an aviary full of Budgies and I kept Chickens for year. I also had a pet Parrot called Po-Po who I loved so much.

I can tell when a bird is listening.

AND….NO, I am not mad…I know what I saw….giggle.

I carried on singing and kept repeating the song thinking she would fly off soon, but she didn’t.

She just stayed there looking straight at me listening to every word I sang to God. Bless her little sweetness.

Eventually I stopped singing and put my guitar down.  I smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” and I nodded my head to her.

She hopped closer nodded back and flew off.

I just thought WOW….God sent a Sparrow to listen to me sing to Him.

Today I went back to my old Church

I left 18 months ago feeling very misunderstood and quite hurt. I told the people (I needed to tell) that I have Aspergers Syndrome.

I told them how the Church had not been the best environment at times for some of my ways.

I also told them that I love my Christian brothers and sisters all around the world, in fact I love all people, but I am an Aspie and that makes me a little different.

I explained that I will only be doing what I feel God wants me to do, and I will not be made to feel guilty for not always being able to cope with the environment of the Church.

I also said I know God made me this way, and I am just the way I am supposed to be.

I was welcomed back with open arms and they accepted what I said…for now anyway.

SO…..

My Aspie-happy is out again. This time it’s the real one, not the one behind a mask.

I went to Church dressed in my happy clothes, because I am a multi coloured Rainbow.

And

The negativity I carried in my heart for 18 months has been completely turned upside down.

Blogging is certainly helping me, and I thank all of you. XX 🙂

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My lovely friend Angel sent me this video yesterday, I just had to share it!

Septic river of religious!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

This post is more of a healing process than anything else. Please read the following message, I found this while on fb yesterday and it really spoke to my heart.

Spiritual Warrior

A good mentor will affirm in public, and correct in private. Your goal should be to help, not hurt. When you rebuke someone in public you humiliate them, destroying their self-esteem. But when you affirm them in public you build their self-esteem and confidence. Of course, your praise should be genuine, not just empty words. By affirming sincerely and publicly, you plant the seeds of growth and greatness in the learner. God has called each of us to run our race and finish it successfully. God has also called us to keep the torch lit and hand it over to the next runner. Don’t merely be satisfied with doing the job; make sure the job keeps getting done by teaching or coaching someone else.

♥ Love & Light Always! ♥

It’s been over twelve years now

But still the septic river of my own religiousness can cause me to freeze.

Today I was in my local supermarket, a lady my age looked straight at me and smiled, nodded in recognition and walked past me. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but in a supermarket I am totally disorientated (How loving is our Heavenly Father) If I would have recognised her I would have been a complete mess.

It took me a while and prayer

Then a visual replay of how I knew this lovely lady.

I was already putting my groceries on the conveyor belt when it hit me how I knew her. She only had a basket and went through very quickly on a self-serve till, I so desperately wanted to talk to her but couldn’t.

My replay went like this…

I’m standing with a group of 4 women, all above me in leadership and I am being challenged and rebuked because of my failure to submit to their leadership. This is backed up by scripture with a slant. It is happening in a public place and I’m aware of others listening, I just take it and feel a total wretch. I didn’t know at this time how harmful scripture can be when used to make a person into a mould of Christianity that has been invented by mankind.

Now I’ll tell you who the lady was

She was a young single Mom that was placed in my group. I had 10 Moms altogether and at the time they were like an extension of my family. I loved them and I loved their kids too. I was in a religious sect and my whole life was centred on being part of what I thought was the only true church.

I wasn’t the one who had “studied the Bible” with her.

She was moved to my group because I had lived the single mom life and could relate to her. Also she lived close to me and we had gone to the same school. We became friends and we did things together with our kids. Her daughter was the same age as my *AJ and there was a lovely little park close to her house where we’d go and chat while the kids played.

She was a confident young mom, who had been through a lot and had gained a sense of protection for herself, her daughter and her home. I was given a set of studies to follow with her, I knew her situation and felt the study was not kind or loving. I refused to hurt her with this manipulation so my group was taken away from me. I’ll reword that, my friends, my sisters in Christ and all the children I loved spending time with were taken away from me.

Those who have lived this life know how close you become and know the pain of this. There is a kind of shunning that goes on in these types of fellowships when you choose to think for yourself.

After I left the sect

I phoned this lady and apologised for anything I may have done or said that may have hurt her. She told me I had never been anything but a friend and she knew how I had been treated. She thanked me for not doing that study with her and told me she no longer went along to this particular church.

God is LOVE; religion is man putting God in a box.

The truth is in the 4 years I was in this sect I was present in that many studies I can’t remember a lot of the women. I can’t remember the things I may have said. I do remember a lot of times feeling I should have spoken up, but out of respect and submission to my elders and leaders (actually it wasn’t respect or submission it was fear) I didn’t speak up. I do remember going home and crying a lot in prayer for the women whose stories were so painful. Their hurt and loneliness, stories of rejection and abuse were SO VERY painful.

I called this post “Septic river of religious!”

I wrote a post not long ago explaining why I had put certain words on hold for approval. I had many comments go into my spam box. I was accused of many things for choosing to do this. The one thing that hurt me and caused me to fear writing. Fear being part of this community here in Bloggyland was a comment that said I was supressing God’s word by not teaching the truth.

Words are powerful they build up and tear down.

I only share what I have lived or what I am going through. I have never claimed to teach or preach. I’m just a Mom trying to find my way sharing my ups and downs. I love God and enjoy sharing my journey, I love meeting others on a similar journey and finding new friends.

I don’t believe that I supress scripture, I just don’t want to misquote or cause harm/hurt by using it to make others believe in the way I do. God gives free will.

But so I can help myself and feel I can write again

Here is the Bible online for anyone who wants to go and have a read.

BibleGateway.com

I love to write it’s my outlet it’s my best way of communicating. It brings me friendship and conversation; it also helps me to process all the thoughts I have in my Wonderfully Wired Aspie brain. It has taken a long time for me to process this but I believe that being made to fear something that God has given is NOT kind or loving so can’t really be from God.

I read some of Revelation today what really helped me was this verse.

Revelation 22:1

The River of Life

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

Having a visual of fresh flowing life to the full.

 

Aspie babbling….trying to process!

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have been thinking of three meltdowns I have had over the last few months. I have a few thoughts I’m pondering on and wondered if anyone could help me process my babble.

As a child I had plenty of meltdowns

I have gone through life undiagnosed, my parents didn’t know ANYTHING about Autism. I was told by many people I had a bad temper. The usual things were said to me, that I was having a paddy, a temper tantrum and I needed to calm myself down. I learned at a young age only to show this side of me where I was loved and accepted, at home with my Mom.

I learned to internalise or shutdown

This meant I was always wrong, I was always bad, I was always rubbish. I would lose myself in daydreams and prayers, the only places I felt safe. As a teen this turned to mild self-harming and suicidal thoughts.

Since starting my blog I’ve found accepting friends

I have learned a lot about my traits, things I would never have learned from books. I love reading about the lives of my friends and their kids on their blogs. I love sharing their up days and down days. I can relate to their children and it helps me to put names to things I have never understood about myself.

I still struggle to talk

When face to face with someone who intimidates me my natural response is to imitate. I can act really well and look just like everyone else. But when I get home I shutdown and sometimes, depending on the environment and the people I have been with, I just can’t control how I feel inside. The pain of being misunderstood, rejected or taunted for trying to be me is unbearable.

To really be me is not that easy

Wearing the mask is easier, but it means I’m faking it. I don’t want to be accepted for being an imitation of another person. Doing all the things others want me to do but never really being myself. This is how I have lived my whole life. I want people to understand that I am Aspie, yes I find some things difficult but I don’t make excuses, I find my own ways of doing all the things I need to do.

I found this quote the other day, I love quotes

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

~Oprah Winfrey~

I’ll tell you now, I know many people but I only have one person who I trust to see me and talk with me in a shutdown state. My close family know my meltdowns and my husband knows exactly how to help me when I have reached the point of not knowing how to help myself. I am very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

Not many people have seen my adult meltdowns

I have learned to hold them in for quite a while, to cope with the internal twists. The total confusion of brain to mouth. A lot of the time I just go quiet. Go along with those who are in control or more assertive. Or to walk away and find a quiet corner to process.

My blog has helped me realise that I have a voice

I have my own life to live, my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and convictions. Through writing I can express these things, which has made me want to speak them too. I’m not so good at that. One to one I’m ok with, any more than that and my mind is flitting from one to another not able to keep up.

My latest meltdown happened yesterday

In a coffee shop, I’m still trying to process it and not beat myself up about it. Someone I know was giving their opinion on ASD’s and not wanting to listen to anything I had to say. I tried so hard to speak but some people just don’t let you get your words out do they. I also felt quite cornered and not able to leave. I should have just made an excuse and found a way to leave but this person then started talking about how discipline was all Autistic kids needed. The environment was challenging enough for me without this. There was a new person I had enjoyed chatting with and that was something I felt good about. I lost it and I know that who I let out wasn’t a true representation of who I am. It was a combination of the bad tempered and angry people who have abused me in my past.

My childhood meltdowns

What I can remember, they consisted of a lot of crying, rocking and chewing on my cardigan. Then that went into shouting, screaming, slapping, stamping and banging things.

I’m pondering on this last meltdown

It was not like the other two where I was overwhelmed and bombarded.  I’m wondering if I absorbed/imitated the person who was on the receiving end of it. I don’t know really….I do know that I didn’t like me much after that. I came home and cried about it for nearly 2 hours.

When people don’t understand about Autism, I wish they would just not say anything.

I won’t go back to the mask, and I won’t be bullied any longer.

I can make a choice, I’m an adult now…at last that fact has sunk in.

One other thing, manipulation (of any description) doesn’t wash with me any more either.

Another quote

Faith looks to God alone; laughs at impossibilities; dances in anticipation of tomorrow.

(The Lewis Awakening of 1858)

Pick up my Cross (Repost)

Pick up my Cross

I wrote this poem over 6 years ago when I was an extremely zealous and also a sometimes religiously self-righteous Christian. I was working through the knot of fundamentalism that was actually making me ill.

I have changed the poem slightly as my faith has matured and my mind has become more open.

I am not a religious scholar, just a girl who enjoys reading her Bible.

I want to share this poem because as an Aspie I can sometimes find it hard to step outside of my own life/thoughts and feelings, long enough to see the needs of others. Having an image in my mind of undying, unconditional love and empathy helps me to be more outwardly focussed.

Before you read this poem, you need to read this.

I understand that the Christian Church is not perfect, I have experienced my share of pain regarding this in both denomination and non-denominational fellowships.

Also…..Religion causes much controversy, as humanity constantly finds ways of disagreeing with itself.

However, I am a simple girl brought up in a simple Christian home. Where I was fortunate enough to be shown empathy and unconditional love.

For these reasons…

• I do not hide my beliefs, as my faith has helped get me through life so far.

• If this poem offends you in any way I am sorry. I am sharing it because I love God and this is my understanding of His love for me. (YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT)

• I do not want a theological discussion or religious debate starting on my blog. Any comments left in that nature will be deleted as I feel arguing about doctrine is counter-productive and not really in the true nature of a loving God. (I have had enough pomp and zeal to last me more than a life time.)

Pick up my Cross

by Alienhippy

Is it so hard to not do the wrongs

To give thanks to Jesus, sing Heavenly songs?

To put the Lord first, whatever people say

To pick up my cross and walk Jesus’ way

.

His body was beaten and bleeding

Half dead on the floor He lay

The soldiers just kicked Him and shouted

“PICK UP YOUR CROSS, GOLGOTHA IS THAT WAY!”

.

As He hung on the cross, with love in His eyes

He saw His Mommy and heard her cries

He looked up to Heaven, His Father to see

Crying out, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”

(“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)

.

He chose for Himself to come down to earth

His love was so deep, His blood it was worth

To give me a chance, show me how to live

To give up my sin and my life to God give

So as this is hard, to God I will pray

Then pick up my cross and live through each day

End notes

The use of Mommy instead of Mummy or Mother is for my own benefit. It helps me identify with Jesus having a human Mother that he cared deeply about. In his last breaths His thoughts were of her care.