Going out on a limb

Going out on a limb here, don’t hate me for it. I’m only human and trying to make sense of each day, one day at a time, the same as everyone else.

I wrote a post back in June and I never shared it on Alienhippy. I was afraid of the come back, I was also afraid that people would get the wrong impression.

I just want to be very clear about this

I am NOT in any way against the Christian Church. I believe that God created us to be a family and that within a loving, accepting family of believers the true Church is an amazing and nurturing environment. I have also met MANY beautiful people within my faith. People who have loved me and accepted me with all my quirks. However, my experience since sharing my daughters diagnoses and my own struggles with Aspergers have not always been positive. We are all only human and we all fall short. We all have limitations and we all have our own way of seeing things.

I’m pretty sure that quite a few Christian Aspies will relate to this post. I’m sharing it because I really hate the thought of someone losing their faith in God because of the way some people make Him to be.

So this is the post I wrote

At 5am this morning I sat praying in bed, crying because I so wanted to feel that I could cope with going to church. Every Sunday morning I have the same conversation with myself, it goes something like this.

“Maybe this week I will be ok? Maybe I won’t absorb so much and I will be fine on Monday morning? Maybe I won’t get judged for having to distract my loops? Maybe I can find a church where I can be me? Maybe I will be understood and not expected to perform?”

And the list goes on.

I have come to terms now with the fact that most church going Christians see me as a church hopper, therefore weak in my faith. But I have found that when people don’t know me, they don’t expect anything of me. Therefore don’t judge me when I struggle to deliver what they expect.

Aspergers is so misunderstood

It’s an invisible disability and I can pass as “normal” I can keep up the pretence for quite some time. In fact I can secretly keep it up and look good, put on the show, for about three years. Then I feel so hurt because NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME! But when I explain just who I am and how I struggle I am met with the most ridiculous statements.

Here are a few…

“Really, you look normal to me!”

“Oh I had depression for 20 years, I decided to not be depressed.”

“Well if you have decided to be Autistic then you will find excuses.”

“You need to stop reading the psychology books and get back into the theology books.”

“Your mobile is just a way of you not listening or being part of things.”

“Stop texting.” (I was actually taking notes, I have Bible online)

“ASD is not real, self discipline will soon sort that out.”

“Your problem is you take things personally, just let it go over your head.”

“You are intelligent enough not to act autistic.”

”Why do you have to be an Aspie, you weren’t one before?”

“You did so much before, why can’t you do the same now?”

“If you want to please God you will do what needs doing.”

These are just off the top of my head, the list is so much longer than this.

Now I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, I love God, I believe Jesus is the Son of God, I believe in the Christian faith, I believe the Bible is the word of God, I also believe in God’s Church.

But if I was in a wheelchair would I be expected to leave it at the door?

If I was blind, would my guide dog be unwelcome?

I can also see that we are all a long way off

I am struggling to write this because of my religious background. I feel judged before even posting it. I am judging myself on not being perfect, I feel like I could be giving the wrong impression and making the church look bad. That’s the last thing I want to do as it is nothing to do with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or God’s Church. It’s more to do with how we as humanity view others, ourselves and our beliefs.

Where do we put our value? What is our treasure?

Is it religious self righteousness? Perfectionism? Tradition?

Or do we listen to our hearts and God’s still small voice?

Faith? Hope? Love? Compassion? Empathy? Grace?

I see a pattern as I read my Bible.

Do you see it too?

Jesus went from town to town preaching the good news. He went into the places of worship and each time he was met with mostly hostility because he challenged a tradition. He preached about unconditional love and the kingdom of God in the hearts of little children.

He sat on hill sides and in boats. I imagine him sitting under trees with children playing their games around Him.

Jesus went from town to town. I find that interesting?

Does that mean He was a church hopper too?

Galatians 5:22-26

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

 

Who’s shoes do you walk in?

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I wrote a poem back in September 2004. It is called Look Above. When I wrote this poem it was because I could see that my Mom got her strength from God. She died in October 2004 so this poem is actually quite special to me. My Mom was a wonderful lady who was very active in sharing her love and acceptance with all people.

Let me tell you a bit about her

When she was able to walk she very often went into our town centre with a shopping trolley. In her trolley she would have tinfoil containers of homemade stew or soup. I even caught her once with a bag full of Mars bars. She would go looking for the homeless and she would give them food and a contact for help.

There was once a young lad that my Mom really loved who she would go looking for. His name was Nigel and he was a runaway. My Mom very often took in the kids that were constantly outside our house or those that were left alone. She had worked in a children’s home and also for the N.S.P.C.C.

My sister found Nigel not long after my Mom had died and he was still on the streets and on drugs. He was a real mess.

When my lovely Mom got ill

Seeing her in a wheelchair and unable to wash or dress herself only aged 52. Seeing her not able to walk more than a few steps, was so hard on my family. She was our warrior Mommy and she took all the blows for all of us. She protected us from everything she could.

In her last three years we had to learn how to look after her.

All the years and all the love she had invested in raising her three Aspie kids and coping with the ups and downs of being married to an Aspie. Now it was our turn to show her that what she had always done for us had not been for nothing. She was our world and the person who made this world make sense.

So as we took care of all of her physical needs.

As we bathed her, dressed her, cooked her food and kept her home how she liked it. She prayed, she didn’t hide the fact that she hated not being able to do what she wanted to do, but she never once stopped believing that there was a plan. It’s God’s plan she told us, I don’t like it but I know God’s plans are to prosper not to harm. God works in mysterious ways!

We watched her cling to God, we watched her sing with Jesus and we heard her cry in the Holy Spirit.

I’ve been really missing my Mom these last couple of weeks,

BUT… I remember what she taught me and always through her loving example. I remember how much she loved me, I know she wasn’t perfect and boy did she have a temper….but she only ever wanted what was best for her family.

When I find myself struggling, I have this visual in my head of my Mom writing down her final instructions to me, my sister and my brother from her life support machine.

“Find Jesus and love one another!”

Writing helps me to express,

I can’t talk about what I’m dealing with, at the moment, but I can share where I get my strength from.

Here is my poem that I wrote for my Mom,

I will also be sharing this poem on my other blog “Listening through the Loops”

Look Above

by Alienhippy (Sept 04)

As time goes by we see courage

From people we know or we love

When we’re least expecting to see it

We see someone we know turn above

~

A person gets strength from believing

And encouragement from feeling their worth

In times of trial, we curl up and cry

This instinct we are given at birth

~

To take all our problems inward

Makes our hearts break our minds ache

To give in to prayers and petitions

Is the thing we should do as we wake

~

The fear we feel of the unknown

Is what makes us take on all our woes

But when we learn to trust in the Lord

The worry and pressure….. it goes

~

God gave us His Son our example

For our sins he felt pain on the cross

So when we are lost and don’t know where to turn

We should follow our saviour…..Jesus

Alienation

Alienation

by Alienhippy

Inside this shell are two,

Who  I am, and the one who speaks to you.

I’m so confident, intelligent inside,

But when I speak that person will hide.

The frustration and anger is sealed,

When who I really am,  is never revealed.

The humiliation and fear I keep,

It’s locked away inside so deep.

I practise how to talk, what to say.

It all comes out wrong on the day.

I come crushing down like a ton of rubble,

I think I’ll stay safe here in my bubble.

This planet all seems so wrong,

There must be another place where I belong.

I try to be like them………. but I’m not

Perhaps like E.T. I’m the one they forgot.

So……..I’ll sit and reflect as the world goes by.

Breathe in and swallow yet another sigh.

There’s not a lot that I can do,

Because normal to me, is not being like you.