Aspie babbling….trying to process!

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have been thinking of three meltdowns I have had over the last few months. I have a few thoughts I’m pondering on and wondered if anyone could help me process my babble.

As a child I had plenty of meltdowns

I have gone through life undiagnosed, my parents didn’t know ANYTHING about Autism. I was told by many people I had a bad temper. The usual things were said to me, that I was having a paddy, a temper tantrum and I needed to calm myself down. I learned at a young age only to show this side of me where I was loved and accepted, at home with my Mom.

I learned to internalise or shutdown

This meant I was always wrong, I was always bad, I was always rubbish. I would lose myself in daydreams and prayers, the only places I felt safe. As a teen this turned to mild self-harming and suicidal thoughts.

Since starting my blog I’ve found accepting friends

I have learned a lot about my traits, things I would never have learned from books. I love reading about the lives of my friends and their kids on their blogs. I love sharing their up days and down days. I can relate to their children and it helps me to put names to things I have never understood about myself.

I still struggle to talk

When face to face with someone who intimidates me my natural response is to imitate. I can act really well and look just like everyone else. But when I get home I shutdown and sometimes, depending on the environment and the people I have been with, I just can’t control how I feel inside. The pain of being misunderstood, rejected or taunted for trying to be me is unbearable.

To really be me is not that easy

Wearing the mask is easier, but it means I’m faking it. I don’t want to be accepted for being an imitation of another person. Doing all the things others want me to do but never really being myself. This is how I have lived my whole life. I want people to understand that I am Aspie, yes I find some things difficult but I don’t make excuses, I find my own ways of doing all the things I need to do.

I found this quote the other day, I love quotes

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

~Oprah Winfrey~

I’ll tell you now, I know many people but I only have one person who I trust to see me and talk with me in a shutdown state. My close family know my meltdowns and my husband knows exactly how to help me when I have reached the point of not knowing how to help myself. I am very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

Not many people have seen my adult meltdowns

I have learned to hold them in for quite a while, to cope with the internal twists. The total confusion of brain to mouth. A lot of the time I just go quiet. Go along with those who are in control or more assertive. Or to walk away and find a quiet corner to process.

My blog has helped me realise that I have a voice

I have my own life to live, my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and convictions. Through writing I can express these things, which has made me want to speak them too. I’m not so good at that. One to one I’m ok with, any more than that and my mind is flitting from one to another not able to keep up.

My latest meltdown happened yesterday

In a coffee shop, I’m still trying to process it and not beat myself up about it. Someone I know was giving their opinion on ASD’s and not wanting to listen to anything I had to say. I tried so hard to speak but some people just don’t let you get your words out do they. I also felt quite cornered and not able to leave. I should have just made an excuse and found a way to leave but this person then started talking about how discipline was all Autistic kids needed. The environment was challenging enough for me without this. There was a new person I had enjoyed chatting with and that was something I felt good about. I lost it and I know that who I let out wasn’t a true representation of who I am. It was a combination of the bad tempered and angry people who have abused me in my past.

My childhood meltdowns

What I can remember, they consisted of a lot of crying, rocking and chewing on my cardigan. Then that went into shouting, screaming, slapping, stamping and banging things.

I’m pondering on this last meltdown

It was not like the other two where I was overwhelmed and bombarded.  I’m wondering if I absorbed/imitated the person who was on the receiving end of it. I don’t know really….I do know that I didn’t like me much after that. I came home and cried about it for nearly 2 hours.

When people don’t understand about Autism, I wish they would just not say anything.

I won’t go back to the mask, and I won’t be bullied any longer.

I can make a choice, I’m an adult now…at last that fact has sunk in.

One other thing, manipulation (of any description) doesn’t wash with me any more either.

Another quote

Faith looks to God alone; laughs at impossibilities; dances in anticipation of tomorrow.

(The Lewis Awakening of 1858)

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14 thoughts on “Aspie babbling….trying to process!

  1. Lees,
    I just emailed you because my comment got so long. All I have to say here is that you rock and you are an inspiration!

    Love you very much!
    Angel

    • I love you too, I just read your email it brought me to tears.
      You are such a blessing. What you wrote needs to be shared Angel.
      Do you mind if I take a certain sentence out and share it here?
      You really helped me, having another Aspie help me see these things is so reassuring.
      You are such a wonderful friend.
      Lees. xxx 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing this – I just had a meltdown at work today but thankfully I was not face to face with the person and no one saw me crying. I absolutely love that Oprah quote – so true!!

    • Hello lovely AM,
      So sorry to hear you had one too, they just suck don’t they.
      Not as bad as a shutdown though, they’re like the depth of darkness sometimes.
      I’m glad you managed to get away to process with tears. It’s the only way sometimes!
      We can’t always understand why we hurt but we can let it out and give it to God.
      Love and hugs my friend. Lisa. xx 🙂

  3. You have defined who you really are..if people won’t accept it …why should you care…life is too short to waste it on uncaring people…my personal feelings on the issue…Peace be with you.

  4. Thank-you for sharing this and for introducing yourself to me. I am grateful and blessed to have met you. 🙂 I can’t write much right now because I am on a borrowed comp and have been on already longer than I should have but I will be back as soon as I can. 🙂

    I appreciate your honesty and openess and I also appreciate your insight. Thank-you so much. 🙂

  5. ((hugs)) hang in there and try to not be too hard on yourself. Overloads and meltdowns are not easy to prevent sometimes and are always hardest on the individual that had to go through it, not the ones watching. Please know you have a listening and compassionate ear here if you need it. : ) I am not on the spectrum myself, but my sons are. Also, I do suffer from Sensory Processing Disorder so I have tasted a bit of what it’s like. I don’t know exactly but I know enough to have compassion if that makes any sense.

  6. Who we are is who we are. And the people who love us most will understand us best. I am thankful that I have someone in my life, who encourages me to be me, and who, when I have a meltdown, is always there to love and hold me until I can stand on my own two feet again. Thanks again for sharing Lisa.

  7. People have these misconceptions because they don’t understand autism. They think the autistic kids are just being stubborn and misbehaving. We have had this struggle with school administrators. It’s frustrating, and your “meltdown” is entirely understandable, especially considering the people wouldn’t listen to you. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. Hugs!

  8. You writing your Blog helps you and many others. Writing helps me too, writing a reflective journal is what you and Mental Health Professionals told me to do and this is a great help. It not only gets it out of your head but it helps you put it in prospective. First and foremost you have great Faith and know that God is always there to help. Love you xxxx

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