Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
I have been thinking of three meltdowns I have had over the last few months. I have a few thoughts I’m pondering on and wondered if anyone could help me process my babble.
As a child I had plenty of meltdowns
I have gone through life undiagnosed, my parents didn’t know ANYTHING about Autism. I was told by many people I had a bad temper. The usual things were said to me, that I was having a paddy, a temper tantrum and I needed to calm myself down. I learned at a young age only to show this side of me where I was loved and accepted, at home with my Mom.
I learned to internalise or shutdown
This meant I was always wrong, I was always bad, I was always rubbish. I would lose myself in daydreams and prayers, the only places I felt safe. As a teen this turned to mild self-harming and suicidal thoughts.
Since starting my blog I’ve found accepting friends
I have learned a lot about my traits, things I would never have learned from books. I love reading about the lives of my friends and their kids on their blogs. I love sharing their up days and down days. I can relate to their children and it helps me to put names to things I have never understood about myself.
I still struggle to talk
When face to face with someone who intimidates me my natural response is to imitate. I can act really well and look just like everyone else. But when I get home I shutdown and sometimes, depending on the environment and the people I have been with, I just can’t control how I feel inside. The pain of being misunderstood, rejected or taunted for trying to be me is unbearable.
To really be me is not that easy
Wearing the mask is easier, but it means I’m faking it. I don’t want to be accepted for being an imitation of another person. Doing all the things others want me to do but never really being myself. This is how I have lived my whole life. I want people to understand that I am Aspie, yes I find some things difficult but I don’t make excuses, I find my own ways of doing all the things I need to do.
I found this quote the other day, I love quotes
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
I’ll tell you now, I know many people but I only have one person who I trust to see me and talk with me in a shutdown state. My close family know my meltdowns and my husband knows exactly how to help me when I have reached the point of not knowing how to help myself. I am very blessed to have the family and friends I have.
Not many people have seen my adult meltdowns
I have learned to hold them in for quite a while, to cope with the internal twists. The total confusion of brain to mouth. A lot of the time I just go quiet. Go along with those who are in control or more assertive. Or to walk away and find a quiet corner to process.
My blog has helped me realise that I have a voice
I have my own life to live, my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and convictions. Through writing I can express these things, which has made me want to speak them too. I’m not so good at that. One to one I’m ok with, any more than that and my mind is flitting from one to another not able to keep up.
My latest meltdown happened yesterday
In a coffee shop, I’m still trying to process it and not beat myself up about it. Someone I know was giving their opinion on ASD’s and not wanting to listen to anything I had to say. I tried so hard to speak but some people just don’t let you get your words out do they. I also felt quite cornered and not able to leave. I should have just made an excuse and found a way to leave but this person then started talking about how discipline was all Autistic kids needed. The environment was challenging enough for me without this. There was a new person I had enjoyed chatting with and that was something I felt good about. I lost it and I know that who I let out wasn’t a true representation of who I am. It was a combination of the bad tempered and angry people who have abused me in my past.
My childhood meltdowns
What I can remember, they consisted of a lot of crying, rocking and chewing on my cardigan. Then that went into shouting, screaming, slapping, stamping and banging things.
I’m pondering on this last meltdown
It was not like the other two where I was overwhelmed and bombarded. I’m wondering if I absorbed/imitated the person who was on the receiving end of it. I don’t know really….I do know that I didn’t like me much after that. I came home and cried about it for nearly 2 hours.
When people don’t understand about Autism, I wish they would just not say anything.
I won’t go back to the mask, and I won’t be bullied any longer.
I can make a choice, I’m an adult now…at last that fact has sunk in.
One other thing, manipulation (of any description) doesn’t wash with me any more either.
Faith looks to God alone; laughs at impossibilities; dances in anticipation of tomorrow.
(The Lewis Awakening of 1858)