Chameleon

alien cameleonChameleon
by Alienhippy
I write when I’m emotional, it seems to help at times
But lately I have not pushed through to find my words of rhyme
I let myself shrink back in fear and forgot I had a voice
That who I am is not worth less but I have to stand by choice
~
I hide when I am trying to please the masses not my needs
And fear and dread turn into pain, my soul and spirit bleeds
Invisible, when in a crowd, a Chameleon act of protection
But still the aching void speaks loud, destructive self rejection
~
Being confident that I’m enough no need for validation
Just be myself not hide my shine, this traps me in frustration
Be strong enough to walk away and hold my head up high
Better alone living in my truth than to live my life a lie
~
So now I stand and raise my voice in rhyming words of verse
As images of dancing angst replay, rebuild, rehearse
And as I push me past the zone of comfort one more time
I take deep breaths and know my heart is good yet on the line

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The most wonderful gift

Today was an amazing day

I got the most wonderful gift. Not anything that can be boxed, wrapped in pretty Christmas paper with a big red bow. No, it wasn’t anything material like that. It was something much more valuable.

Today I got to see my beautiful daughter *CAL smiling and happy spending time with her cousins, all four of them.

I would love to be able to share a photo. It’s Wednesday, Wordless Wednesday, it would have been so wonderful. But out of respect for my brother and his wife I will not be sharing a photo here on my blog. I will only be sharing a memory, something for me to find on one of those days when I look back at my old posts. My brother and his wife have very fixed ideas. Believe me when I say it is just a blessing for me to have a photo of my little girl sitting with her cousins.

I don’t know when or if this will be happening again

I do know that it was totally God and the answer to a prayer. It wasn’t arranged at all, I took my *CAL for an after school, spur of the moment, treat to McDonald’s. I was amazed when my little sister turned up with her two beautiful boys *Jah (little *J) and *EJ. But both my sister and I were totally shocked when our sister-in-law walked in with both her children following.

I miss spending time with my brother but I will not pretend to be NT just to fit and be accepted. And, I certainly won’t be forcing either of my kids to conform to someone elses idea of a social norm. I love my kids exactly as they are, they are growing at their own pace and being the perfectly unique individuals they are created to be.

Today was a blessing, a small glimpse of what could be

But I will not let it haunt me and cause me to want, I will just be grateful for the memory. I believe God is in all things, all situations and all people, especially children. The smiles we saw today will not be forgotten. Not by myself, my sister and I don’t think for one minute that my beautiful niece and handsome nephew will forget easily either. I may not get to see them often and I may not be the same kind of Auntie they are used to. But I know in my heart how much I love them and I see in their eyes that they see me.

I found this poem today on a scrap of paper

I was sorting through my paperwork, a job I totally detest. I often scribble down poems and forget where I put them unless I blog them. This one was in a pile of old school letters and certificate, so it was sort of organised and in a safe place.

It seems fitting today

So I’ll share with the piece of music I was listening to when I found it.

Love and hugs friends. xx 🙂

Love Light, Shine Bright

by Alienhippy

Crushed heart? Mocked spirit? Hidden light?

Don’t go there gentle child

All lies upon lies that feed your mind

None of them truth but silent teases

Empty out these thoughts, those taunts

And breathe in them never more

~

Cleansed in a sacrificial love

Your walk pleasing your heart is filled

Your soul lifted and daily bathed in grace

Shine and be all that you are

This slate has been washed clean

Now let there be a you in this world

~

Do not doubt and hide your face

Wrapping yourself in invisible blacks

Instead let this love light shine so bright

Giving heart to those who pass

Let your light shine bright before you, before all

Seeing worth, knowing truth, giving hope

~

And praise your Father in heaven

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Aspies don’t have emotions…???

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Many of you will know how much I enjoy watching YouTube.

I find video so helpful,

I have learnt many things through watching tutorials and I am very grateful to many YouTubers for the help they give to others.

I also love finding other Aspies

Some of them tell their stories so well. Being dyslexic as well as having Aspie traits makes reading really hard going sometimes, so video is a way for me to learn and also feel part of, and not cut off.

The AnMish is a wonderful young woman who I find has experienced so much that I can relate to.

I watched this video of hers today and she said so much of what I have bottled up inside me.

I’m so glad that she knows this about herself at such a young age.

I just hope that my *CAL can learn to express as well by this age, what I still find hard.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Keep on shining

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

You know when you feel like…

“That’s it I think I’m getting it now!”

and all your Aspie loops of insecurity and rejection seem to be slowly melting into the background.

You always know something or someone is going to throw a spanner in the works.

That has been my last four days.

Sunday morning I woke up with what I can only describe as an inner peace,

I actually blogged about it… my very words were.

“I feel a peace within my head today, going into the Jumble of Church would be wonderful for some, but for me today I know it will start my loops up. I know I won’t process everything going on, I have only just found myself. I am enjoying having only a few thoughts right now, so I’ll just stay where God has got me for as long as I can.”

Within hours of me posting that I was hit with something that I REALLY can’t get my head around.

However I know God is good and He will guide my looping Aspie brain through this.

I have been up and down since Sunday,

I have had many shutdowns trying to process the information and all my thoughts on everything that I’m dealing with. I have managed to actually speak about everything with  my closest friend and I know she will pray. This is actually quite huge for me, as speaking face to face about issues this deep is not at all easy for me.

So that is one very big positive out of the negative.

I read a post this morning that really helped me,

Here is the link to the full post….“It’s not really about me…”

I greatly recommend that you go and have a look at this blog, I totally love it.

The author is an artist as well as a writer and her art and words are just so wonderfully inspiring.

This is the part of the post that made me stop and think.

********************************************************************

Jesus came to give us life to the full.

WE SETTLE for less. Why?

Jesus’ birth was announced with STARS high in the sky, shining a message to faraway places.

We’re to be like Him. Why don’t we act like it?

Joseph…put in a well, sold in slavery yet became the leader God needed.

Moses…a mumbling man. Did he get over his fears or speech impediment?

God works through all things – if we don’t settle.

Shine friends – so He can sparkle through you!

***********************************************************************

I have also been posting on my other blog,

I have quite a lot of poetry, art, stories and inspiration that I will be sharing there.

Here is the link to “Listening through the Loops”

Tip toe through the Tulips, watch out for the wolves.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

It just hit me slap bang in the face, metaphorically speaking of course. That fear of rejection thing, it’s to do with the “NOT KNOWING” again. The lack of understanding because of the inability to read social behaviour, sensory integration dysfunction and struggling to make sense of everything around me is bad enough, but trying to interpret human oddities when every human is unique is an impossible task. Plus people are CONSTANTLY changing, some for the good and some not so.

As an Aspie I collect information,

It’s how I learn, I try to store as much as I can. I try to learn as much as I can to help me understand about everything and everyone around me. I hate to think that something I do or say is hurting another person, I can loop terribly with this. I sometimes can imitate those around me because they are accepted socially, and I like being a part of things. I’m realising however that this is what drains me and I can’t keep it up for very long.

When I read my lovely friends post this morning, about her little boy *Harley,

It triggered off a memory for me. This is part of what  I left in Fi’s comments.

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Yep...that is me, doing my tap. LOL

I remember being in front of a crowd when I was about *Harley’s age. I’d just won a gold medal for tap dancing and I was asked a question, the microphone was stuck up my nose and all I could say was,
“Tip toe through the tulips…….tap solo!”
It had the reaction of everyone laughing and thinking I was really cute.

I’ll explain what happened, why I did it…..

I had a tape of my dance music and at the beginning of each piece my dance teacher would introduce the dance. This one was,
“Tip toe through the tulips…(pause for effect)… tap solo!” in her posh British accent.
Remember I haven’t got that, but I could mimic Miss Rose very well.

I went on stage terrified every time, I was so busy remembering my steps and getting them in time with the music, trying to remember arm movements in coordination with every other part of my body, I’d always forget to smile. I didn’t EVER think I would win, so I’d never rehearsed what I would say.
I’d programmed myself with my tape recording, I don’t know to this day what I was asked on that stage and I was terrified of my dance teacher.

Yep…those on the spot questions, in confusing places, are not the best. It’s great when you don’t care though and you can be yourself and feel like the clown that everyone loves. It’s finding those environments though, without judgmental people.

**********************************************************

I loved to dance as a child,

I was so very dramatic and extremely hyper, this is why my Mom sent me to dance classes, she wanted this part of me nurtured. I can understand now why something I loved became so very hard for me to do.

Laura wrote these words in this post.

“I’ve always tried to do my best, just so I could be as good as, as worthy as or as “normal” as everyone else. Somehow, I’ve never felt I measure up.”

I was fine and loved finding my own creative ways of being myself.

At a dance lesson however there were restrictions, rules and fears put into place. I became fearful to express myself in a way that was natural for me, instead I learnt to follow the rules be like everyone else. I could never predict how what I did would affect or what outcome I would see. Also I thought every correction the group got was directed at me, and took it personally. I couldn’t understand the bigger picture, so I learned to hide and wear a mask.

Like I said earlier…

People are changing all the time, so it is impossible to collect reliable data. After a life time of being misunderstood and me misunderstanding others I have learned to keep people at a distance. To not let them into my heart, out of fear they will be yet another who will break it. This is not who I truly am and it hurts that I have had to become this way. However I KNOW that all people cannot be trusted and I have learnt this the hard way, and so have my family. There are people that WILL take advantage, people who pretend really well, people who will take just because they can.

Those Wolves in sheeps clothing.

I am learning that I don’t have to be friends with everyone, it’s quite alright to only have 2 very close friends who I can totally be myself with. I don’t have to be completely open with everyone I meet. I think that I have probably tried too hard to make friends and given more of myself in the hope that they will give back. This has then been abused by some of those, in my past, who were NOT looking to my best interest only their own.

Jesus will always be my best friend.

He is the one true constant that I CAN collect data on, but also my journey is documented with Him and I can only do what He leads me to do and gives me grace as I do it. I get it wrong constantly, but it’s wonderful to know that calling out to Him will show me the way.

I am so very thankful for those God has brought into my life who accept me and love me for who I am, with all my quirky ways. They have no expectations on how or who I should be. I thank God for these few people every day.

Like I wrote in my last post these are the “Relationships that make my heart sing”

When I was reading this morning I thought on this.

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16 NIV)

How much could these words, that Jesus spoke to the twelve, have been written for young Aspies?

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I took the Aspie-Quiz! (I need to vent)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Yep…I did the Aspie-Quiz! Why?

I’ll explain shall I…hehe

Just backtracking in my time machine, only a couple of days I think?

No need to worry about Morlocks hitching a ride. Ok…I’m there now. 🙂

I read a fb status by a fellow blogger that said she had over 600 unread email notifications for blogs she was subscribed to.

OMGoodness I thought, how will she read all those

Then I remembered….”Lisa other people can speed read and scan, you can’t, you’re dyslexic!”

I realised that I am subscribed to VERY few blogs.

I follow a few Autism blogs, a few poetry blogs, a few Art/photography blogs and a few Christian blogs. I read what keeps me happy, it’s my ME time with my friends.

Oh dear…I decided to go on a search.

Now I don’t do this very often, the reason being it can make me LOOPY in a NOT.SO.GOOD.WAY.

I have written before how negativity hurts me. How it cycles and loops around in my head. How it can become the only thing I can focus on. I have to be so very careful what I feed my brain. My close friends suggest blogs to me and I usually keep to them.

Anyways I did it, then I LOOPED!

I felt drawn to one particular blog, this one was fine but I then ventured off around bloggyland. I did find some wonderful new Christian blogs. Then I went looking for other Aspie blogs. I wanted to find others like my lovely bloggy friends. Those who are real, open and honest. I didn’t find this, I found competition and self promotion. I found Aspies who were running down NT’s and it made me feel sick.

I speak my own Lisa-Lingo

I don’t know all the long words that the books use, I don’t understand what they all mean. I can only explain how it is for me and how I have managed to find ways of coping, or not coping. But to put the blame on another I feel is wrong.

I have been hurt  A LOT by ignorance and selfishness, but the past is the past and a lot of this was also my own misinterpretation because I didn’t know I was different. I believe things can be a lot different for our children. Autism Awareness is growing but it is so hard for me to understand why we have to be divided. Why books are written in the US and THEM kind of way. I spent some time reading the comments left by others, both Aspies and NT’s and found it all quite confusing. Don’t we all just want to make it better for everyone who’s affected by ASD’s???

Blogging helps me and brings me friendship

Everyone who I communicate with I see as my friend, blogging is my social life it’s what I enjoy. When my friends disappear, it concerns me. My friendship has been rejected many times and it has really hurt. When I see blog posts and comments aimed in a negative or self opinionated way towards others that hurts me too. I have close friendships with both Aspies and NTs I don’t see that we are so very different when we love and accept one another for who we are.

I know not everyone blogs for friendship and therapy

I know that some people want to gain something from it. I understand this, everyone has a dream or a goal to aim for. But when it comes off the back of others it can’t be good and it can’t be given as achievement. Maybe this is just the way I see it, I don’t know. I just know that I can’t go reading around bloggyland without my close friends suggesting blogs for me in future. It has hurt me too much.

So why did I take the Aspie-Quiz???

Apparently:

Aspies don’t understand empathy!

Aspies are not artistic!

Aspies lack imagination!

I love living in my imagination, I LOVE art and poetry and how can I not feel empathy when I hurt so deeply? I looked at how these particular Aspies chatted to one another and use so many long words and phrases that I don’t know. They seem to know what they are talking about and they quote from all the books on Autism. I only know scripture and film monologues. I felt like maybe I’m just thick, or maybe I’m not an Aspie after all. I felt rejected as an Aspie by other Aspies.

I took the Quiz, I didn’t think I would ever do this.

Having to do this to prove to myself that I’m an Aspie, reminded me of being in the playground again. Me trying to prove that I can fit. Well, after many tears and quite a lot of prayer I have decided that I don’t want to fit into any group that points the finger of blame at anyone. I don’t feel I need to understand all the book terms that explain the life I have lived and I definitely don’t want to be anyone but who God created me to be.

But guess what…?

According to this quiz…..I am a TOTAL-ASPIE…..hehehe

It’s a HUGE Spectrum, with ALL kinds on it. At the end of the day, we are ALL only human.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Here are my results.

THIS IS THE LINK TO THE ASPIE-QUIZ

How was Father’s Day for you?

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

It was Father’s day here in the UK yesterday, there were so many blog posts floating around bloggyland about wonderful Fathers who are so loving and giving.

I read a few of them, and it made me very happy knowing those beautiful children are so blessed with such adoring Dads. Nothing is better for children than for them to have two parents who love and protect them and work hard to meet all their needs.

BUT…

I also felt a lot of hurt for all those that don’t have Dads or have Dads they never see.

Those who have lost their Dads and miss them terribly.

For those Dads who have lost their children, so Father’s Day is a stab in the heart.

I felt hurt for the children who are verbally, physically, mentally or spiritually abused by someone they trust.

I also felt hurt for all the Moms out there who struggle daily on their own raising children.

I once lived the Single Mom life, it is hard, isolating and lonely.

I have seen the hurt on my little boys face when other kids run to their Daddy after school.

I have had to be both Mom and Dad, and felt totally trapped in the home environment.

I have had no one to cry to, no one to comfort me and no one to take over when I felt totally drained.

This is where God steps in if you ask Him to

In the depth of despair, when feeling totally spent.

Sat in the pit feeling all alone we are NEVER alone.

There is a scripture in Isaiah 54 that helped me so much as a young single parent, it reads.

Isaiah 54:5-6

(NIV1984)

5 For your Maker is your husband—
   the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
   he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
   only to be rejected,” says your God.

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There are so many wonderful Dads around

If you have one please appreciate him, he is a blessing in your life and someone who will always protect you.

God is the Father of all

When we turn to Him, He never turns us away.

I can find relating to a Father figure VERY hard, my Dad is Autistic.

He has ALWAYS provided for me. I never went without food or shelter.

But emotionally, mentally and Spiritually my Dad could never understand me.

I have found that we tend to relate to God in the way we understand our relationships.

Calling God Father was a brick wall for me for a long time.

I felt like God didn’t listen to me, because this is how I felt that a Father behaved.

I had to see God as a Mother figure, my Mom was always there for me.

I felt very loved and accepted by my Mom.

I had to learn to understand that God is NOT a human Father but a Heavenly one.

That God’s love is never failing, He is the one true constant.

Then I had to convince myself that I was precious enough to deserve this love.

That God the Father knows me inside and out and loves me just as I am.

He loves us all for who He created us to be, we are His children.

Love and hugs to you all. xx 🙂