Escape from my spiral

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Escape from my spiral

by Alienhippy

Hollow calls beckon into the darkness of silence

My heart rips as soul is dragged into its empty cavern

A sealed fate of unenlightened despair

Bleeding me of my being, sucking at my energy

Stop your ways you creature of not knowing, you will not win

Stop with your lies you blackened beast, this cave has a way out

This inviting twilight, a glimpse, a glimmer of inbetween

Fragments of a memory will not hinder my voice

An awakened rapturous hold takes me better ways

The illumination of this inner call

So tenderly spoken, a loving whisper

Bringing me up out of my spiral, my twirling doom

Away from its gravitational pull on my mind

I have a voice and as my worth grows you weaken

I can fight you with words, heart words victorious

Your terrors are not my prison any more

Escape your fear, I am no child under tyrant’s restraint

Climbing heart, learning mind, lifted spirit

Levitated from your darkened crevice

I will not be silenced any longer, I will not be caged

I will live and breathe and speak and be

And, I will love

Even from the depths of my pit

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The Burgundy Rug

I’m writing from a shutdown so this post may not make sense.

Image found on Facebook

Today has been a day when I would rather not post on my blog. It’s one of those days when I would rather hide and only speak when spoken to. I don’t want to let myself down and fail at a goal I have set for myself. I said I would post every day in July and I already did a wordless post yesterday.

Today I’ve had a meltdown, followed by a guilt ridden shutdown. I then slept because I was so drained. I needed to try to process but wasn’t able to. I woke up and got emotional and was not able to filter. I was not able to understand what was truth and what was misplaced emotion, everything seemed merged. Luckily a close friend was able to talk me through and help me with this.

I think one of the worst things about Aspergers is the not knowing. Not being able to control thought, feeling and reaction then thinking your mind is out of control. Not being able to prioritise and only having one thought constantly looping. Obsessing about simple things that no one else is even aware of. The only thing that seems to slow down my thinking is to distract. For me that comes in creativity, imagination and visual stimulation.

My friend Jo from over at MumtoJ posted this image

I saw this earlier and it triggered off a lot of happy memories for me.

I decided to go to a safe place and distract how I have been feeling today.

I lost myself in memories and wrote down the best I could from my shutdown. It helped me to slow down my looping.

Sorry, I know I get on people’s nerves when I can’t process because I babble myself round in circles with what seems unimportant to others. This post has no point at all apart from me trying to push past a fear and help myself to think clearly again.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

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The Burgundy Rug

As I ran my fingers through the long burgundy fibres I felt such pleasure, release, fun, adventure and an inner peace too. I lay full length on my Great Granny’s rug, looking up at what was around me, digging my fingers into the texture wiggling them around and following each strand to its base. Such a tiny child I was with so many habits that annoyed so many people. But not here, not in this place. I rolled over and lay stretched out on my stomach rubbing my face and palms into the pile, then raising my head looking to see if an imprint was detectable. I can still remember the smell of that burgundy rug, I can feel it to this day like it lives inside my skin. All the fun it held for me, but mostly it felt safe. It was comfort and I knew it was always there.

“Lisa, make sure you brush the rug when you finish your game.”

I’m smiling at those words and thinking back on happy memories of my lovely old Great Gran. I can see her sat in her high back chair. A short stocky lady with black curled hair, clip on earrings and wearing her green crimplene over dress.

Joey the bright yellow budgerigar had his cage to the left of her chair. The cage was on a stand with one of those plastic elasticated seed collectors around the bottom to catch any lose millet. My Nanny Poorly-leg (as I called her) was very house proud, but this want for perfection never was as important as her family.

Joey was seldom in his cage he was always perched on my Great Grandad’s shoulder, like a pirates parrot pecking at his ear. My Great Grandad, such a quiet gentleman. I see him now in the kitchen making his famous brew, always tea leaves never bags. The strongest cup of tea one could ever taste, bright orange it was and so very sweet with a slight taste of cigarette smoke, always in a fine bone china cup.

He was never without an unfiltered hanging from his lips. Chain smoker he was dressed in his long Johns, the old fashioned type with the button up flap at the back. His brown chino trousers with braces, no shirt while in the house just his top from his all in one underwear. He’d be chatting away, cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth, “Pretty Joey, who’s a pretty boy then?” I really don’t remember him talking much more than that, but he did love his roses and I do remember him letting me spray them. He would very often have the next ciggie resting behind his ear ready to light off the present one once it was used up. Funny the things that stick in your mind.

She couldn’t walk very well my Great Gran, I didn’t understand why, I was so young. She had one leg slightly longer than the other and always had a limp. She had been very ill as a child and wasn’t able to attend school. I remember her telling me she was so tiny when she was born they could fit her in a pint glass. I don’t know if this was true but I would listen to her stories and gaze at how long her ears were. People’s ears get so long with age it’s something I still notice now.

She would regularly show me the cut on her tongue that she got from trying to eat a piece of glass as a kid. This used to gross me out awfully and I really didn’t want to see it. It was almost as bad as my great Aunt Barbara flipping her false teeth around in her mouth trying to make me laugh. Gran told me she thought the glass was toffee that had fallen off the toffee apples her Mom had made. I can’t remember why she wasn’t allowed to eat them and picked up a piece of glass off the floor. It might just have been that her mom made them to earn some pennies. I don’t know, I can’t remember and I can’t ask anyone now. I know that my Great Granny was born the daughter of a lock keeper and there was Irish gypsy blood in her line. So many questions I have now and wish I could sit and chat and find some answers.

I loved going to my Great Granny’s bungalow I have such a clear picture of each room. The living room was my favourite. The china cabinet in the right hand corner, filled with all my Granny’s special crocks. The solid oak sideboard under the window with the wind up wooden clock, it’s chime I still recognise taking me back in time. Her beautiful burgundy rug by the fireplace ready for all my stories and playtime. Also that wonderful oval shaped, flamenco dancer coffee table with its thin black legs and glass top.

My fingers was my game they were my toys, my puppets. The burgundy rug was my canvas and stage for so many wonderful imaginings. The pile was so deep I could draw on its fibres. Wavy lines became rivers, the seaside or secret pathways filled with magical adventures. My finger people did the walking, my mind did the talking and my Nanny Poorly-leg sat and watched. She smiled, never disturbed me and loved me just the way I was. I just needed to remember to brush the rug when I had finished my game.

Doodling in the dirt!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

In my last babble post I spoke about an encounter while shopping. This experience has stayed with me for a WHOLE week now. I have had a shutdown during this week after a build up of “Not Knowing” how I’ve been feeling, so I was not really able to process or filter out experiences. Also a fear came over me of writing, because of misunderstanding a person and their choice of words.

“I not know what I done!”

These were the words spoken by the young man in the post I refer to. The words that caused my shutdown in a supermarket. If you are confused here is the link to that post…

Shutdown in a Supermarket…The Big Issue?

“I not know what I done!”…or for me, “I don’t know what I did wrong!” has been a familiar and constant thought. It replaced the, “Why???” question. At around 8-10 years of age I realised that my constant “WHY?” was more than annoying to everyone I asked. I started to try to guess and work out what was meant. Not easy when facial expression and body language are not part of your understanding and you take everything literally and to heart.

I over think things now!

I realised this week that because I can’t always make out what a person means, I actually read it totally wrong a lot of the time by trying to think it through. I suppose this comes down to my lack of confidence in understanding peoples intensions. Not wanting to ask because I’m fed up of being laughed at. Also a lot of people just don’t seem to have time to be bothered with anyone but themselves. I am constantly analysing what people say, I try to figure out if they actually mean the words they are saying. I think this is also to do with my literal thinking. But I hate the thought of saying or doing something that might hurt someone.

Writing is something I never thought I would do!

That is the total truth! If someone would have said to me in May 2010 you are going to write and share you thoughts and feelings to 100’s of people 3 times a week and have 2 blogs I would have thought they were mad. But here I am babbling away and I still can’t believe that I do this. I do love to write though and it helps me so much to release all the many, MANY thoughts I store up in my mind.

I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.

But I do know that I can’t go far wrong if I keep looking to Jesus.

If I keep following His example, I keep looking to His word and trying my best to put it into practice.

Accepting that I am only human and I know how often I fall short.

KNOWING deep in my heart that God loves and accepts me just as I am.

Even when I don’t know what I’m doing, just trying and failing is better than sitting and stagnating on what ifs and maybes.

Trusting in His plans that are to prosper and not to harm.

My head fills up with questions all the time!

I don’t get a lot of people, I simply don’t understand them and their ways. I have to filter through my understanding of who they are. This can be very draining sometimes. If I don’t do this though I am way too trusting and people are not always nice, then I get incredibly hurt.

My many loops of questions and conversations, replays and visuals can trap me and push me into wrong situations. These will then spiral and bring me to shutdown or even meltdown.

Also when people keep pushing me for decisions or for answers, I can’t reach my own perception. I will mimic and I will people please to stop the confusion in my mind. I will do this so very well I have had years and years of practice at it!

I have found a way of helping myself with this.

Now that I see this about myself, I have to first say “NO!”

Those negative, put me down voices of my past…I say, “No…That is a lie!”

I have shared before how I love art and how as a child I would doodle in my margins at school to try to understand better. This got me into a lot of trouble and because of a lack of understanding of ASD’s this also damaged my learning experience and educational development.

When I was reading my Bible the other day…

I realised that I’m not the only one who needs to doodle and look away to stop the questioning and find my truth.

I realised that I’m not the only one who has to disengage eye contact to hear my inner voice.

I realised that I’m not the only one who can process my thoughts when writing them down.

I see with Aspie eyes and my own tangents bring me peace.

Jesus saw through God’s eyes and His love brings eternal life.

John 8:6-8 (GNT)

They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger. As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them. Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her. Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee while I was coming through a shutdown.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee!

Shutdown in a Supermarket…The Big Issue?

uptospeednews.co.uk

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

It’s no secret that I HATE Supermarkets, they are one of my most horrible of places, closely followed by the library. Notice the title, yep…I shutdown in a Supermarket!

On 14th June 2011, they closed down my Co-op

This was a MASSIVE change for me with my ASD.

In the UK the Co-op is one of the quieter supermarkets. They play very relaxing music and it is never really busy. My Co-op was where I shopped for 24 years, I knew the lay-out, the staff and this made shopping quite easy for me and my kids. We would enjoy dancing and singing in the aisles and scooting on the trolleys. The staff knew my *AJ as a baby and watched him grow up. They also knew my *CAL and knew of her ways.

We had to find a new way

After the Co-op closed I had to find a new supermarket. I tried one close to my home and it wasn’t a good experience. I actually walked straight past one of my close friends and when she called me I hadn’t got a clue who she was. I found that a drive out to a supermarket close to the university was best. This supermarket only really has students in it so the queues are quick. They don’t play any music and they tend not to move things around too often. I take a list and I’m usually fine.

Wanting to be back home

Today, I reached the car park and it was a lot fuller than usual.

I left the kids at home with Mr Locoman. My shopping list was EXTREMELY long, I sat and read through it and prepared my mind for the aisles and where to find things. I said to myself, “I’ll put some music on and pop my earphones in. I’ve coped before, I’ll be fine! We NEED to eat, after all!”

I opened my handbag to find I had forgotten my earphone….oh crap I thought, I want to go home! 😦

So…I sat and prayed for a bit…Then went in faith.

In the first aisle holding a box of cereal.

I’d not long been there when I heard an almighty scream. I mean this was real fear and it made me shake inside. I then heard a massive bang and turned around quickly to see what had caused it. There was a huddle of 3 men wrestling on the floor, in the doorway. All the shoppers just stopped and waited to see what was going on. Then the two big guys stood up and started to drag a young man by his wrists into the store. He had obviously hurt his face by struggling and he was screaming in broken English, “Don’t kill me, I not know what I done! Please let go, I hurt!” He kept struggling and repeating the same thing over and over and over.

I felt like crying, nobody seemed to care

Everyone just carried on with their shopping. The young man was dragged to the back room.

I was trying to process this because I heard him say he didn’t know what he had done wrong. He was being punished and he didn’t know what he had done. He was also bleeding and no one was helping him. I had to try to switch off my feelings and see the facts. They were security guards and they were doing their job. But I kept seeing the fear on his face, seeing him bleeding and hearing him crying with fear. It was in my head and it was starting to loop in my visual replay. I kept hearing his words, “I not know what I done? I not know what I done? I not know what I done?”

I really don’t know how long I was stood processing this, I was on my own.

I realise that he may have tried to steal something but his pain and fear had triggered off a memory for me. The feelings I was feeling were related to my own feelings. I didn’t know if he was or wasn’t telling the truth. He was crying and he was scared.

There is a lady that sells “The Big Issue”

She was stood outside the supermarket, she always is. Usually she will have her little boy with her. He is about 4 years old, I usually get him some chocolate or a packet of crisps out my trolley when I leave. He likes to climbs on the lines of trolleys, he’s very sweet.

Today it was raining and she was stood getting wet under the tree that now has no leaves to shelter her. She never calls out, “Big Issue!” she knows no one sees her. Those who will see her, will go to her. She doesn’t speak English, but she speaks in smiles and with her eyes.

In the car before I drove home

I thought about this post and how I would write it and what would my point be.

So often I stand and stare and wonder/ponder to why the world and people just keep moving?

How come they don’t feel, see or freeze like I do?

Is it just my ASD that causes me to stop and have to process?

Then I thought about school and all the times I froze and had to stare out the window and lose myself in clouds. I couldn’t cope with the shouting of the teachers. I hated hearing the other children being told off. I would zone out and then lock myself in a toilet and wait till I could think again. If I zoned out in a classroom, I was told to pay attention. I was shouted at to pay attention, told I was being lazy. Even told I was being stupid.

I didn’t know I wasn’t paying attention.

For me I get lost in the process and time just goes by.

My Big Issue….I hate supermarkets.

But I’m not living on the street, standing in the rain, watching people who don’t see me!

Wordless Wednesday…Now this makes sense

Some people and places will always confuse me!

But at least I know what pens I’ve got…LOL

Mommy on a break

Hello lovely bloggy friends,

As I have been receiving messages and emails about my break I just thought I would repost today and fill everyone in.

In England the schools have just broken up for the six week school holidays. This means we are all adapting to a change in routine. I will be back posting as soon as everything settles, my kids are my life making plans for this holiday is what I need to be doing.

I love my blog, I’m not going anywhere. If I have a sudden burst of inspiration I can’t help but write.

However, I have a lot going on and I need to process it all. My best way is through my creativity, so you can find me on my other blog.

Link to "Listening through the Loops"

I will reply to everyone’s comments when I get the time, and the ability to string words together.

I love getting comments off all my lovely bloggy friends, they encourage me so much.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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I am the Mommy…(Repost from November)

I was really inspired by my friends post this morning called

“I am the Mother” at……Welcome to the Madhouse

New Link to the same post on Fi’s new blog…Wonderfully Wired

Fiona is so extremely open and real it is refreshing, so I decided it’s about time I let some stuff out.

As I have been parenting now for 17 years I have had many life changes over that time.

I can see that I will have to break this down into different seasons. Not all of them nice.

Starting here……….

When I lost my home!

I am the Mommy who didn’t read the paper work correctly and signed my home and all my furniture over to be rented out for 12 months, giving us no home or belongings. (I am dyslexic)

I am the Mommy who couldn’t afford food for 2 people so I didn’t eat all day and ate scraps in the kitchen I worked in on my evening shift. After having a cleaning job in the daytime that I took my baby boy to.

I am the Mommy who struggled with OCD and found having a toddler really hard, my OCD was germ related and I wanted to keep him safe. My hands bled because I washed them far too much.

I am the Mommy who walked around with holes in my boots and plastic bags on my feet, in snow and slush. But I got my boy a coat and kept him warm.

I am the Mommy who thanked God for the stains in my carpets when I got my home back because I was so grateful that we had a roof over our heads that was ours. We didn’t have to rely on family and friends any-longer.

When I went to college!

I am the Mommy who started college to try to get a better paid job not realising at the time I am dyslexic and have Aspergers. I hated leaving my little boy in the nursery from 9-4 and would get him out at lunch time because I missed him so much

I am the Mommy who had to decide alone which was the best choice to live on single parent benefits spending those precious younger years with him, or keep pushing with college so I could get work full time and leave him with a childminder. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, in the end God chose for me.

When I was sucked into a Religious sect!

I am the Mommy who only read nice Bible stories to my boy.

I am the Mommy who chose my own way of discipline to the disapproval of most of the leaders.

I am the Mommy who refused to leave my boy in Children’s ministry when he didn’t want to be there, and was having a massive tantrum. Also to the disapproval of the leaders.

I am the Mommy who carried my *AJ kicking and screaming into this sect every Sunday because I had been indoctrinated and was afraid of the consequences that certain people had put in my brain.

I am also the Mommy who spent far too much time running after friendships and approval in this sect and not paying enough attention to my lad…Thank God I had my Mom back then, and she took over where I was lacking.

Let’s get up to date shall we!

I am the Mommy who leaves the housework and takes the kids to the Safari Park or on a picnic. Only to find out we have no clean pants.

I am the Mommy who Tazzes the house work, because I would rather sit and watch a Disney film and have a cuddle off my girl.

I am the Mommy who has a job in my *CAL’s school play ground because this is the place she find the hardest.

I am the Mommy who spent my Birthday money on buying nuts and bolts and cement. So I could make my kids a swing out of branches in our garden.

I am the Mommy who dug a big hole in our garden so when it rains we can put our wellies on and dance in muddy puddles….like Peppa pig.

I am the Mommy who is constantly late taking my *CAL to school, because I get so distracted so easily and forget the time. Which then gets her a late mark.

I am the Mommy who still has to help my girl to wash and dress because she struggles with this.

I am the Mommy who goes out at 10:00 every night to fetch my 17 year old *AJ from where ever he is, because I worry about him and he has been mugged twice.

I am the Mommy who very rarely buys clothes and when I do I get them from charity shops, I spend the money I earn on my *AJ’s Gym membership and *CAL’s Piano and Violin lessons

I am the Mommy who has to play ABBA to keep me in the kitchen because I would rather be on the computer.

I am the Mommy who misses my Mommy every day, because I don’t really know what I’m doing.

I am the Mommy who believes in God and look to see Him in everyday things, so I understand that what I can’t do for my kids, God will do because He will find a way for them to receive what they need.

Taking a break!

Hello lovely bloggy friends,

Today I have been posting on my other blog.

I have quite a lot of art, poetry, music and stories that need to be published.

So, if you want to read me you will find me at LTTL.

Click on the image to go to Listening through the Loops.

You might want to subscribe, there is an email subscription on the home page.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂