Leap of Love

sun-clouds-white-rays-pigeon

Leap of Love

A passion so refreshing it brings light to my soul

A reflection of pure love in the face of beauty

I in you, you in me, we in Him

I stepped into love in all its glorious wonder

I took flight in love as a bird set free

Free from the weighted cage of fear

I danced along the cliff edge

Leapt from my tiny nest

Unfurling my restricted wings

I dived from the precipice and in my fall

I’m captured, supported and lifted

Overflowing and tenderly kissed

In this warm breath I rise

Through the clearing into blue sky

I feel the fullness of God’s love

Shining with His Son

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Start all over again.

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It has been a long time since I last posted, over a year has gone by since I last opened a new document with the intent of writing for this space that I once considered to be “a place where I can be me!”

I don’t know why so much time went by without me blogging. I thought that I might have just lost interest in expressing myself. But if I’m totally honest that’s not possible. I believe I allowed fear to creep in and there were also times I just didn’t want to share anymore. I didn’t want to find the time to do something I once loved because I felt afraid to even try. But in saying that… my blog has been in my thoughts and on my heart each and every day but the confidence to write and truly be me again had dwindled. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about writing, but then I let it slip away. I didn’t push through, I found excuses and I found other things to do instead. Days rolled into weeks, months, a year it just got to the point where I felt so disconnected from blogging, and the whole blogging scene, that I didn’t know where to start.

I still don’t actually know where to start but I know that when I write – I feel connected and grounded, and when I feel this I am able to release, and through releasing I don’t feel alone in my journey and I don’t have a head full of looping thoughts. Writing helps me to be accountable for my plans and dreams, to make happen the creativity I hold inside.

So I’m starting again. I don’t know where Alienhippy is heading, I don’t know what direction to write in anymore. But that’s kind of exciting. One thing I do know is I’m going to just stick to what I know best…and what I know best is how to just keep being me.

So let’s go back to how I started this blog and why I started this blog.

Alienhippy’s Blog, “a place where I can be me!”

If you would like to catch up on our last 12 months of home education, family fun, our day trips and a whole heap of creativity you are welcome to come follow me on instagram.

Today in our home education journey we sat on a hillside and *CAL sketched the landscape while I crocheted and attempted to write a poem. My poetry will come back, I have faith in that.
Love and hugs. Lisa. x

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My inspiration this week is to be still and let God dig out my weeds of insecurity, doubt and distraction. Knowing He will plant and nurture gifts of insight, inspiration and discernment.

“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Accepted, Loved Unconditionally

Inspired by Psalm 40

Patiently I wait on words spoken to my heart

I listen through my noise and hear the still small voice

My heart yearns but my spirit calls peacefully

I feel raised from the unknown and set on solid truth

That truth is I am loved unconditionally

An inner peace fills me and my heart sings

My lips have a new song of praise

Fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the one I trust

I look to the heart of the one who gave His life

I know that He is the one to fix my gaze upon

Blessings are at my step as I follow His lead

When I fall I know he will always catch me

When I fail to trust and when I lose hope He remains

His gentle voice spurring me on

Holding me in His love, His light everlasting

Whispering soft reminders of His hopeful, caring promises

He has no desire for sacrifice, but a willing heart

He just calls my name and wants my love

He has me in His heart and He is living in mine

So many do not see or feel this love

They feel that it is not real but I stand in His love

I received His gift and will call out Jesus is Lord

When troubles rise and the waters are deep

His hand is upon me guiding and teaching

So patiently He is always loving

Helping me grow in all I do for Him

His plan for me is always better than my own

Bringing me ever nearer to the image He sees in me

Refining me from the inside starting in the heart

Always providing just what I need, I rest under His wing

Exposed and humbled I stand in His presence

Quickly I am covered by His grace and mercy

New every morning I am washed clean in His love

Accepted and loved, created in unique design

Crafted by the master’s hand

I am enough because He loves me

I can be loved because He loved first

I can love because He shows me the way

He will never leave me, He will never forsake me

I just need to call

Then…Be Still And Know

~

Listen to my cry for help, O God. Pay attention to my prayer. From the ends of the earth, I call to you when I begin to lose heart. Lead me to the rock that is high above me. You have been my refuge, a tower of strength against the enemy. I would like to be a guest in your tent forever and to take refuge under the protection of your wings. Selah ~Psalm 61:1-4 (by David)

Trying to write again

1012232_4448425467485_238298099_nTrying to write again

by Alienhippy

From the depth of my emotion and the mess within my mind

I know that words will come as I write my way to find

A comfort deep inside me and a voice which often calls

Ignoring it is pointless, how I’m made cries out for rules

~

Trigger words and images that cause my mind to bend

Trying to filter through the crap and not hide from my friends

I want to be the way I was and share my poetry

But times have changed, I’m feeling lost, I’m struggling to see

~

Where I fit and if I’m needed, so I grasp this safety rope

Begging God to help me find a way to not lose hope

To accept the place I’m given and the distance that we share

And pray to love with deeper love because in love I bear

~

This pain of never feeling in the same room, time or space

Wanting, waiting, praying for acceptance, face to face

Hoping that one day being me, I will embrace

But for now I ponder on, knowing God will show me grace

~

I’m not like many others I care deeper than most do

I cannot switch off thought nor heart I have to pray them through

I have to take myself, my pain, my love, sin, fear and loss

Being still and listening and learning from The Cross

Letter to little Lisa

little lisaAs Autism parents it’s heartbreaking at times to see our kids trying so hard to fit. Only those who live it daily can possibly understand. If you have stumbled upon my blog it stands a chance you are in some way interested in knowing about ASD’s.

What makes the difference?

I had a wonderful Mom who loved and accepted me for just being me. My Mom is what made all the difference. I know how much hard work I could be at times, but I always felt loved, accepted and safe when I was at home with my Mom.

I didn’t realize I was spectrummy until after my Mom died and my Dad at the age of 64 was diagnosed with Autism. It was reading about Autism, trying to help my Dad, that first brought me to finding out about Aspergers Syndrome. Reading those first few books, finding out that there were others like me, was like finding my planet. That MASSIVE light bulb moment. But truth being told, it was only when my little girl started school that I truly, deeply made the connection.

A place where I can be me, that’s what my blog is about.

I wrote a letter back in January 2009, it was part of my counseling. In this letter I had just started to understand that I am on the Spectrum. The letter is written to myself as a small child and it was very hard to write it at the time, I felt a lot of guilt and sorrow for my childhood self. I am now at a point where I can share most of this letter. There are a few parts I decided to take out.

I believe….

With early intervention, with nurturing teachers and if school was a kinder environment things could have been so different for little Lisa.

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Dear little Lisa,

It is very hard to write this letter, maybe it is so hard because all of your life I have stopped you from being you. Now I need to take a good look at who you really are, not who this world has made you become. I need to tell you it’s ok to just be you.

This is a scary step because I have spent so long and worked so hard trying to make you fit. I don’t really remember who we are anymore. So please little Lisa can you help me remember so I can help us to be who we are created to be.

My earliest memory is a pair of red slippers with zips up the front. I remember the carpet being fitted on the stairs, you were so terrified of the grippers and your slippers were in your bedroom.

I remember the pink swirly, floral wallpaper in your bedroom and how the light reflected on the walls and ceiling making the flowers seem somehow alive.

I remember your first day at school, the pain of being separated from your Mommy. You screamed all day and held onto the hood of her coat that had detached itself when the teacher dragged you away from her. I remember you feeling totally alone, you were terrified at school by everything going on around you. The other children were so rough and loud they destroyed everything you tried to do. There was no-one who cared enough to stop this. Every time you found a quiet corner someone would come along and make you do something you didn’t want to do.

You loved to sing and make noise with instruments, you loved painting, drawing and playing with clay. You loved climbing and dancing, doing handstands, being upside down and spinning around until you fell over. It didn’t matter that no-one else was doing it, it was fun.

At school the things you liked to do didn’t happen very often and you couldn’t play the games the other kids played. The play ground seemed too dangerous for you, I know I remember, you were always getting knocked over. You didn’t like the running games because you fell over a lot. I remember the special shoes you had, they were blue and built up on the one side to make your feet turn outwards.

I remember your thoughts each day as you went through the school gates, “Maybe today someone will play something I want to play. Maybe today they will be nice to me!”

I remember the time you decided to just be like everyone else. I remember the friends you tried to be like, none of them stayed around for long. You tried so hard to make them like you and each time felt more of a failure.

It’s ok that you couldn’t read you learned eventually, once you found something you were interested in there was no stopping you. Also you were really good at a lot of other things it’s just that at school no one recognised these. They just pointed at what you couldn’t do.

You are creative, you write poetry, you love to paint, your mind solves puzzles and sees things in a way that other people can’t see. You are impulsive, it’s not a lack of organisation it’s a flow of active creativity and your body needs to keep up with your mind, so you fidget a lot. You sing and make up songs and when you are 8 you learn to play the guitar. You’re kind and compassionate and you feel very deeply for people and animals. Sometimes you can’t communicate that and run away because you hurt, but that is ok, you will learn to express these things one day.

Now I want to tell you something, the language that we spoke that no one understood was called echolalia. It helped us and we did learn words and copied other peoples words too. I am learning about this now. I found out about a thing called Aspergers Syndrome, it’s very complicated but it is an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I think this is what is different about us, I’m going to learn about it so we can learn to be us again.

We never did learn how to make a time machine, but it’s ok to dream. Your daydreams take you to wonderful places and they help you to see a happy world of fun and friends. Your imaginary friend is real to you and that’s all that matters, Weena helps you to understand how friends should be and how they should treat you. She stops you from feeling alone and helps you to understand when you are being treated badly in the future.

This letter is getting really long but this is what I want you to know

People will make you change, they will make you conform to what they see as normal. You will be made to feel a freak, weird, thick. Everything you are good at you will be made to feel is unimportant, and the things you find hard will be the things people make you do. You will get to a point in your life when you feel no one cares and people just use and abuse your nature. You will lose all trust and hope but you will always have a safe place. You will always have your secret place to go. They can never take away what you see inside your dreams, what you feel inside your heart.

You grow up innocent and naive because you live in a daydream with people of another time/world a nicer place. But that is ok, it gives you faith and your faith gets you through everything. There will be tough times, times when you are no longer the person you want to be but you are strong enough to get through it and you will learn to say no.

At the end of the day all this is just lessons and it will all pass, you are unique, yes different but not boring. What my adult self wants to say little Lisa is it is great to be you, you just need to realise it.

I am enough

I am enough

by Alienhippy

Gentle guide and lover of my soul, with you I need no other.

In you I see a reflection, a growing of spirit.

You are my strength, you nurture me from within.

Only you can quench my undying thirst.

~

Hidden warmth, a refreshing breath.

I sense your lips of truth.

Giving me rest when all I am is spinning in confusion.

Patiently you wait for me and spur me on in whispers.

~

You are there when I awaken from my darkness.

In my own time, through your love, I am given new direction.

No fear as I look to you, I know you walk at my side.

Safe and secure in your arms the battle is won.

~

Your fruit, your streams refresh my soul.

I long for you alone.

Your tender hand lifts my downcast gaze, restoring my dream.

With the mountain’s peak, my heart will grasp new blessings.

~

Bursting forth an overflow from your unconditional love.

This beauty that chases me, I have no hiding place from it.

I cannot escape for you created my ways.

You meet me in my silence and comfort me in my torment.

~

One way remains.

To step into the treasured place that is your heart, my home.

To know the depth of your love, accepting that I am enough.