The most wonderful gift

Today was an amazing day

I got the most wonderful gift. Not anything that can be boxed, wrapped in pretty Christmas paper with a big red bow. No, it wasn’t anything material like that. It was something much more valuable.

Today I got to see my beautiful daughter *CAL smiling and happy spending time with her cousins, all four of them.

I would love to be able to share a photo. It’s Wednesday, Wordless Wednesday, it would have been so wonderful. But out of respect for my brother and his wife I will not be sharing a photo here on my blog. I will only be sharing a memory, something for me to find on one of those days when I look back at my old posts. My brother and his wife have very fixed ideas. Believe me when I say it is just a blessing for me to have a photo of my little girl sitting with her cousins.

I don’t know when or if this will be happening again

I do know that it was totally God and the answer to a prayer. It wasn’t arranged at all, I took my *CAL for an after school, spur of the moment, treat to McDonald’s. I was amazed when my little sister turned up with her two beautiful boys *Jah (little *J) and *EJ. But both my sister and I were totally shocked when our sister-in-law walked in with both her children following.

I miss spending time with my brother but I will not pretend to be NT just to fit and be accepted. And, I certainly won’t be forcing either of my kids to conform to someone elses idea of a social norm. I love my kids exactly as they are, they are growing at their own pace and being the perfectly unique individuals they are created to be.

Today was a blessing, a small glimpse of what could be

But I will not let it haunt me and cause me to want, I will just be grateful for the memory. I believe God is in all things, all situations and all people, especially children. The smiles we saw today will not be forgotten. Not by myself, my sister and I don’t think for one minute that my beautiful niece and handsome nephew will forget easily either. I may not get to see them often and I may not be the same kind of Auntie they are used to. But I know in my heart how much I love them and I see in their eyes that they see me.

I found this poem today on a scrap of paper

I was sorting through my paperwork, a job I totally detest. I often scribble down poems and forget where I put them unless I blog them. This one was in a pile of old school letters and certificate, so it was sort of organised and in a safe place.

It seems fitting today

So I’ll share with the piece of music I was listening to when I found it.

Love and hugs friends. xx 🙂

Love Light, Shine Bright

by Alienhippy

Crushed heart? Mocked spirit? Hidden light?

Don’t go there gentle child

All lies upon lies that feed your mind

None of them truth but silent teases

Empty out these thoughts, those taunts

And breathe in them never more

~

Cleansed in a sacrificial love

Your walk pleasing your heart is filled

Your soul lifted and daily bathed in grace

Shine and be all that you are

This slate has been washed clean

Now let there be a you in this world

~

Do not doubt and hide your face

Wrapping yourself in invisible blacks

Instead let this love light shine so bright

Giving heart to those who pass

Let your light shine bright before you, before all

Seeing worth, knowing truth, giving hope

~

And praise your Father in heaven

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Kitten update, week one

*CAL with Angel

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

As promised here is my Wednesday weekly update on our new kittens. With photos and a short video. I also would like to tell you a little about Angel.

Angel was dumped in my porch,

She was already expecting when someone decided we would be a better home for her. People can be so kind can’t they. I already had too many cats at the time so I put her in a cat carrier and took her to a local animal housing (not saying which one) they told me to leave her where I found her and don’t feed her. I live on a main road and she was dumped in my porch. 🙂 Thanks for the help.

I tried this for a while…

I left the porch door open and she didn’t go anywhere. She went out for a little while and then fell asleep on the top of my camping trailer. I tried putting her in the back garden for a while because I didn’t want her by the main road, we are on a bus route, she still didn’t go anywhere. She decided she wanted to live with us. Her first litter was three ginger tom cats. We named them Garfield, Sammy and Mr Tink. Then Angel disappeared.

She came back months later with another belly full of kittens.

But as cat lovers know in those few months cats can turn if they are not around humans. She had turned feral and she didn’t want to be in the home. She had this litter under a neighbours shed and I didn’t get to see them until she brought them home for solid food. These kittens were never handled and were found homes by the cats protection league.

I have been encouraging Angel to spend more time indoors

I feel very privileged that she has become so trusting of me. She sits on my lap and gets brushed every afternoon while I get my quiet time and she has no problem with me holding her babies. While I was in the garden yesterday, I was disinfecting the litter tray and sorting out my dogs when Angel sneaked out. She had already eaten so I was a little worried she would run off. I have had to bottle feed kittens in the past it really is no fun at all, they are constantly hungry. I was so pleased that she just came over to me and waited for me to call her back in.

We are hoping she stays around this time and we can take her to the vets once these kittens are on solids. The two kittens I am holding we have called Gingy and PIB.

Enjoy the photos from this week.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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I just laugh at myself, I’m entertaining to me!

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I needed to write out my silliness, it’s good to giggle!

Why? I don’t know really, I just like giggling and I just thought it would entertain folk. It might not, but I really don’t care. My blog where I can be me! 😛

Today *CAL had an appointment

I have been dreading this appointment since the day it was booked. I mentally prepared, I made a list in case I suffered from total Aspie brain freeze in the meeting. I collected every official document I have on *CAL’s ASD/Aspergers/Dyspraxia. I knew it would be an hour long and the thought of going to a new building, meeting new people, being questioned was looping somewhat. Also the thought of having to act in a way that is seen as socially “normal ” and help my girl cope for that length of time was slightly overwhelming. I’m not going to share anymore about this. Let’s just say I shutdown this afternoon and I slept for a while, my stomach has now settled and I am giggling about something that happened this morning.

As we all know it is Valentine’s day

But did you also know that it is the 2nd anniversary of my boy *AJ and his lovely girlfriend *A. That is correct my boy and his beautiful girlfriend have been together 2 years today. How many teens do you know that stick at a relationship and make it work? They are good kids and I see how much they love each other.

Anyway back to me and my silliness

As you can imagine this morning I was pacing a bit. The appointment was at 11am. I didn’t sleep well last night and I woke up with very stiff shoulders and my back was so tense.

I’m pacing around the house and getting everything together. I am thinking ahead for *CAL and myself (as always) when *AJ asks me this, well this is what I heard anyway.

*AJ… “Mother….. where is the mash potato?”

I thought this odd because it was breakfast time, but knowing my boy and his bizarre eating habits not an uncommon question in the Alienhippy household.

Me… “It’s in the kitchen on the top shelf!” (I carry on putting *CAL’s things into a bag)

He looks at me odd and then walks into the kitchen.

*AJ… “Which shelf Mom? I can’t see it!”

*Me… “The one opposite the door son!”

I put *CAL’s bag on the sofa and pick up my mobile phone to read a text message.

From the dining room I hear a helpless call

*AJ… “I still can’t see it Mom, can you help me please!”

At this point I am writing an email message to my friend, because I want her to pray for me. I know I’m getting more and more nervous by the minute. Knowing my friends are praying helps me. I’m totally missing the point because I’m getting a little annoyed by the constant questioning of the whereabouts of mash potato.

Me… “Oh *AJ, you are 18 now and you can see I am busy. You also know I have an appointment this morning. It is on the top shelf, opposite the door, in the box.

(I call in my most loving Mother voice, while thinking to myself, why can’t he ever find anything)

I hear *AJ pace around the kitchen some more and then…

*AJ… “I’ll wait for you to finish, I’m hopeless at finding things. I need you to find it!”

My beautiful boy then decides to hovers around me while I’m trying to write. Anyone who knows me KNOWS that this is the best way to stop me from doing what I am trying to do.

With total frustration I put down my mobile on the dining room table, stomp into the kitchen and point at the mash potato that is SO obviously staring at us from the top shelf.

Me…”Look!”

*AJ looks, then screws up his face and looks at me as if I have lost the plot.

*AJ… “Yeah!” (Bewildered and puzzled)

Me… “Mash potato! Mash potato!” (I say wagging my finger at the mash potato) It’s right there in front of you, why couldn’t you see it!”

TOTAL SILENCE….the look on his face was priceless, and then.

*AJ… “Bhahahahahahahahahahaha!” (he totally cracked up)

Me… “What are you laughing at?”

*AJ… “hehehehe hehehe!” (Silent giggle, with a bright red face)

Me… “hehehe hehehe!” (Thinking to myself, what have I done now?)

*AJ… “I said to you, Mother where is the wrapping paper, not mash potato. I need to wrap up *A’s gifts!”

**********

This is funny, I don’t care if no one else laughs….I crack myself up and that’s all that matters.

I’m writing it down for me, to give me a giggle when I look back at my posts.

It might help to know that the part of England I am from we say….

P’TAY-TA, not potato, and PAY-PA, not paper.

“Wrapping pay-pa”…”Mash p’tay-ta”…….LMHO 😉 xx

About those two ugly words

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

This is a post I wrote a while back, I found it today and enjoyed reading it. So, I thought I’d repost it!

**********************************************************

I have been wanting to write this post ALL day today. It seems that every time I got onto the computer something else distracted me and consumed HUGE amounts of time causing me to lose my train of thought.

Yesterday I had an online Bible study sent through that really, REALLY helped me to resolve some of my past hurts caused by religion.

Those who follow my blog know that for some time I was in a religious sect, you also know that I’m a Christian and every day seek to find my way to be and become God’s will for my life. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Those who have been in a controlling religious group,

will know, all too well, what it feels like when you hear two certain words,

but keep reading… this may help, it certainly helped me.

The two words I refer to are…..

SUBMISSION

ACCOUNTABILITY

Yep….NOT nice are they!

I have been avoiding reading scripture with these words in for SOME time now.

As an Aspie I don’t just read the words,

I end up going through the whole experience again.

Seeing the people who twisted scripture on me and hearing their voices.

Even feeling the same emotions I was made to go through.

I have tried reading different translations of the Bible that does help.

Also praying for these people and the accountability they were put under to project these scriptures in this way.

Fear is NOT of God.

Submission and accountability is OFFERED out of love, it is NOT put upon a person.

I’m not going to quote scripture or even quote from my Bible study

I’m going to tell you a memory that was brought on by my Bible study, and I believe the way God has helped me to understand what He wants me to understand.

****************************************************************************************

A memory and a lesson.

When I was a kid my Mom and Dad had a caravan that they took to the nearest seaside town at every opportunity they got.

At this seaside place the sea only comes in for a short time, and there is a LOT of mud to wade through to get from the sand to the sea when it’s out.

Well this never seemed to stop my Mom, she was such fun and she liked to float around on an inner tube.

We’d time it just right and get to the beach when the sea was in.

Mom would go off floating.

Remember she did have an Autistic Husband and three Aspie kids, I’m sure she needed the solitude after being in such a small caravan with us all….giggle.

Now let me explain something here

My Mom was deaf in one ear and had such bad hearing and ear problems she had to block her ears with ear plugs to stop water infecting them. She also used to wear these ridiculously silly swimming hats with flowers all over them… but at least we could see her bobbing around….giggle.

Me, my brother and my Dad, sometimes even my Nan and Grandad too.

Would be sitting, playing on the beach or flying kites and Mom was floating and probably falling asleep.

Every now and then one of the adults would shout her and tell her to kick and paddle herself back up the beach as the tide was taking her side ways.

One time the sea went out quite a distance

Mom couldn’t hear us all calling her, my Dad waded through all the mud and called again.

Mom still couldn’t hear.

So my Dad swam out and brought her back.

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Godly accountability is NOT about control.

Submission is something a person chooses to offer out of love.

As I think now………………

On the words submission and accountability.

As an Aspie I’m good at following rules, so I really do need to think!

I need to think, contemplate, wonder and pray….before offering to be accountable to someone who uses the word submit.

AND…maybe ask myself.

Will this person wade through deep mud and swim in cold water to fetch me because I’m heading, drifting in the wrong direction?

“Who will love me for me?”

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Every once in a while there is a song, an image, a word, an experience that brings tears.

Not tears of sadness but tears of hope, joy and a turning in your heart and soul.

Over the last few days I have been on this rollercoaster and it has been pretty intense.

I very often have light bulb moments

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”)

is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something.

WIKIPEDIA: DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT!!!

(I could have done so well at school if only they would have had computers back then…LOL)

But let me try to explain, and pull these Aspie tangents together…..

My realization, revelation, epiphany

My Mom was NT (neurotypical) my Dad is Autistic.

One of the traits of Autism is not being able to understand outside of self and this can appear extremely selfish at times.

I grew up seeing my Mom feeling constantly hurt by my Dad’s Autistic behaviour.

My Mom was my world so I felt like I hated him for it.

I didn’t know how to stop my Mom hurting so I hid in my room and like all children with (Aspergers Syndrome) AS I blocked out what was overloading me. I became focused on what I could control, this was my room, my things, my hobbies.

I lived in self and I created my own little cell of self protection.

When I was 12 years old my baby sister was born

At 12 years of age this was a turning point for me!

I now had someone in my life that I loved more than my own life.

I couldn’t bear being away from her.

She became my focus and I wanted to protect her from EVERYTHING that could hurt her.

Every time she cried it made me hurt inside and I knew I would walk instinctively under a bus to save her life.

I had never felt this kind of love before but I realised that it was an unconditional love that must be from God.

I made a choice to be like my Mom

AS kids are good mimics so I watched everything Mom did. My Mom was naturally giving, loving, warm, selfless.

I knew that I was like my Dad and I didn’t want to be. So…I pushed down my natural state, I didn’t know I was wired differently that I have AS, we didn’t know my Dad was Autistic. I saw my AS behaviour as being selfish, so I pushed it away and rejected self.

Religiousness messed me up!

Notice I say RELIGIOUSNESS and NOT God. God is Love NOT religion!!

It was the legalism, the traditions, the indoctrination and other people’s perception of my SIN.

As a person on the Autistic Spectrum I know that I can only really understand things from my own personal experiences. I have to study really hard to understand from another persons perspective. But at 12 years of age I started making myself do this out of love for my sister.

Because I knew that this love was pure and from God I then thought I needed to have this kind of love for all people.

Religion, and the religious had made me feel that unless I could love others and see their needs I was not of God.

I only understood how to give one kind of love so this made me feel a TOTAL wretch, because I find being around people extremely draining and I knew I just didn’t feel the same way towards others as I did towards my little sis.

I love God so I kept going to Church

As a person with AS (Aspergers Syndrome) I know that I take EVERYTHING literally a good sermon can be a wonderful thing.

It can also be extremely damaging if a person with literal thinking hasn’t learnt to dissect it and take out, with wisdom, love and kindness for self what is ACTUALLY appropriate to who they are and where they are at on their personal walk with Jesus.

My closest friend said to me that she felt that I am so aware of my AS traits that I put myself last and see myself as unworthy.

She is SO right with this and I love her so very much for who she is. True friends are always there to spur you on.

I chatted with my hubby about all of my thoughts on this and he said he can see this too.

Now this is my next mountain

I know God loves me for me not for what I have done or what I’ll become.

Now I need to learn to love me, not for what I can do or for what I am learning.

Just love me for me the creation that God has made me to be.

Like I first loved my little sis, the love that I have for all my family and close friends.

I have been putting myself last for so long I don’t know how to do this.

So I’m praying that God will help me find a balance and learn this way of His.

The scripture that I am holding on to is this

Matthew 22:37-40

New International Version (NIV)

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

The word spoken in me is “AS” Love others AS yourself Lisa!

It’s funny really that the word that changed my whole perception of God’s love is the two letters AS

This is the song and video that brought me tears of hope, joy and a turning in my heart and soul.

God is good!

I have been very busy and quite used up. (via surrealhappy’s blog)

*AJ and little *J

This post is written by my sister.

It shows what she has to witness her little boy go through each day and I know she feels totally helpless.
I hate seeing my little *J go through this, I’m sharing this to help bring awareness and also please can you pray for him.
Also pray for my sister and her hubby as I know that they would appreciate your love and prayers.
Thank you. xxx

I haven’t blogged for quite a while now. It has been made quite obvious to me that I need to blog I even had a recommendation of a blog post suggested to me, this suggestion came the day before I bumped into my Vicar in the street and he informed me that he’d found and read my blog. This came as quite shocking news as I had never informed him that I blog at all never mind give him the link. So I am left only to assume that it was God, and His way … Read More

via surrealhappy’s blog