Simplicity is being me.

Photo taken with my mobile

Being Still, making the time to find who I am in Christ, “Listening through the Loops” that are constantly cycling in my head from the hectic run of life. Being Still is something that I really need. I’ve come to realise that I’m not made to be constantly stressed, I don’t work well when my mind is constantly looping with emotional overload or any form of anxiety.

I sometimes find myself filling all the gaps in life with things that don’t really need to be there. I try to avoid all the silent moments and it’s almost like I’m afraid to not keep busy. It’s only when I actually make myself stop, be still, ponder and reflect that then I see clearly. I see that I can sometimes add worries and stress and make myself a lovely lot of my own confusion.

I wrote a poem not long after my 40th Birthday

It is called My Shelf, you can read it over on my poetry blog, “Listening through the Loops” In this poem I express how my whole life I had been bending over backwards trying to make people like me. I’d only ever done what I thought others wanted/needed/expected me to do. I was one big people pleaser.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping others but not when it is to the detriment of my self-worth, my core beliefs, or it affects my family and those closest to me.

Jesus very often would seek out solitude.

He loved all people but He also needed to find Himself with God. He needed to pray alone sometimes, He needed to seek God without distraction. Unconditional love can only be given to others when we truly understand and have received it. We all long to feel loved and to give love to others.

We need to remember to fill up our own tanks. When we are constantly running on empty we just become resentful. This is where I had gotten to when I wrote that poem, I couldn’t cope anymore with being the constant “Yes” girl. Something had to change, I wasn’t being true to myself. I thought I was doing God’s will, running around doing all the deeds, but deeds without love are not what God wants. God’s will for each of us is for us to live life to the full.

This is the last verse of the poem, “My Shelf.”

It has been one long journey to deliver me at this station

As I’ve been twisted inside-out and tortured with frustration

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

It was when I started to say, “No” When I started to explain to people…

“I’m sorry, but I have a different idea and I don’t feel that this plan is actually beneficial to my life.”

It’s amazing how many people disappear out of your life when you start standing up for what you believe. It’s also EXTREMELY WONDERFUL seeing the people who do love you just the way you are. I’m finding that saying, “Let me think about it for a while I’ll get back to you!” is so much easier.

Also reminding myself that guilt is NOT of God

Anyone who makes me feel guilty is putting too much pressure on me, and not thinking of my well-being, therefore not truly loving me, this includes the pressure I put on myself. I can be so unloving towards myself at times.

I’m very grateful for the close friendships God has brought into my life, those who love and accept me for who I am. Those who constantly remind me that they love me unconditionally and know my heart. They help me to understand from both perspectives (Aspie and NT) and never judge me, reject me or ignore me.

I’m learning all the time, I like to learn…it’s good to grow.

I was thinking of a an old poem I wrote and I decided to share it again as it was from WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days and I have over 500 wonderful new readers now. I have changed it slightly and added a different image.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

 Only you Lord Jesus

by Alienhippy

Only you Lord Jesus can fill this gaping hole

Dance around inside my heart, caress my very soul

You took away my sin, grace nailed it to the tree

You are my everything, your comfort sets me free

˜

Nothing can I do to deserve love so complete

I can come to you, lay my all at your feet

Knowing that you care for this life that I live

You will always love me, so my heart to you I give

˜

I don’t know where you’ll lead me, I trust in all your plans

When I’m up and when I’m down, I know I’m in your hands

I’ll just accept the love you give, and know that it’s a gift

And all the songs within my heart, to you my voice I lift

˜

This world is full of darkness, but you make darkness light

With you I face the future, you give me strength to fight

You hold my hand you wipe my tears, I know you always care

Whatever storm I go through, I know that you’ll be there

˜

You’ll give me everything I need, to get through trials I face

You’ll bring me safely home to you, protected in your grace

You forgive me when I lose my way, in all things that I do

So this will always be the call, to come Be Still with you

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“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I started to lose myself again

THIS IS ME

THIS IS ME

What have I learnt about myself?

I am more than loyal, I give my heart. I feel deeply and I hurt intensely. I give above and beyond what most people expect, what most people are used to. I give my all and I wear my heart on my sleeve. People can’t always cope with who I am, I think that who I am is probably challenging, but I don’t know how to be any other way. A lot of people avoid me. Maybe they like to stay hidden? I don’t know, I don’t pretend to understand. I just know it hurts.

I know that I once viewed life through a mask, never showing who I truly am, it was so very lonely. I kept a piece of me locked away because I could no longer trust, I had been hurt more than I could process so I stopped trying to.

Maybe this is why people run and avoid me, they trusted once and now fear the worst. Perhaps they can’t see that I am real, that who I am is open and honest. I love, I have love in me to share and only want to give love and feel loved. I trust in my God and in those that He has shown to me. I am blessed in the few close friendships I have. I don’t ever need to hide who I am from those who truly love me.

What have I learnt about others?

People will be who they can be, I don’t have to like the way they act, just love and accept them for who they are and where they are at. We are all on a journey. Some people are not nice, I have to accept this and keep myself safe. I don’t have to be their friend, they only ever do what is best for them. These people are the ones who will use me, they have ulterior motives and I can’t always see this until it’s too late. They become my friend for what I can do for them, what they can get off me, out of me. I’m starting to recognise the signs a lot quicker these days. I can be too nice for my own good at times.

Then there are people like me, there are not so many as what there seems to be selfish people, but they are out there. A lot of good people are in hiding, they hide because they too have been extremely hurt. I know because I have found some of them. When we connected it felt like we had already met, that we were destined to meet. Within these relationships I see a glimpse of what God calls friendship. A little piece of heaven in the smiles of compassionate and loving souls.

What do I need to do different?

I need to be MORE myself! I need to be me to the max! I need to not imitate or follow the crowd, crowds are not good for me anyway. I get lost in the crowd and no one ever sees or hears me. I do much better one to one. I need to accept I have a fear of loss and change, but it’s ok most people do it’s not just an aspie thing. Also remember that when these things come it makes room for new adventure.

But people move on and I don’t like change. I’m aspie, what aspie does truly like change? I will survive and I will look back and see just how much I grew through it. I can always set myself new goals, I can always dream new dreams. I will keep growing I have God on my side and He will always love me just the way I am. He will never leave me.

What do I need to practise?

I need to set myself clear boundaries and keep sticking to them.

I need to plan projects, things I am good at, and make them happen.

I need to have a routine that helps me, stop making excuses.

Don’t let other people control my time, time is precious.

I need to love me and see that I am worth loving.

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“Silhouette”

Lyrics by Owl City

I’m tired of waking up in tears
‘Cause I can’t put to bed these phobias and fears
I’m new to this grief I can’t explain
But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then
“Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I’m sick of the past I can’t erase
A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can’t retrace
The mountain of things I still regret
Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (no matter where I go)

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
“Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
“Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I watch the summer stars to lead me home.

 

It started with a fish.

It started with a fish.

I won a fish on the ‘hook a duck’ at the fun fair, I was 5 years old. My brother won one too, Mom put them both in one of those 1970’s over sized brandy glasses. We called our fishes, Tom and Jerry. For my 10th Birthday the present I wanted the most, I got.

My first Aquarium.

I kept cold water fishes and they gave me a place to stare, I found the movement of the water through the filtering system extremely calming, and I knew each of my fishes and how they responded. My aquarium was in my bedroom it acted as a night light and the soothing sound of filtering water helped me to drift off into sleep.

When I moved into my own flat at the age of 18, I still had this fish tank and I started my first tropical aquarium. I had been wanting to do this for years, but Mom and Dad would only let me have cold water fishes.

I started with easy to keep fish in a community tank, Guppies, Mollies, Zebra Danios, Neon tetras and some smaller variety of Gourami.

MY ONE BOOK

At this age I was fascinated by all the varieties

The different names and how to keep these beautiful creations alive. I learnt about water values and how to test for nitrates. I learnt how to control the temperature and which fishes would breed at higher water temperatures. I knew which fish were live bearers, egg layers, egg depositors. I became obsessed with everything that my ONE book taught me.

I can see now that if someone would have taken my passion for keeping fishes at the age of 10, and used it to help me read, to help me understand science, to look at the fishes anatomy, maybe research all the different plants that I could have grown in my aquarium. My educational experience could have been so very different and such a positive one.

Oh well…such is life!!

At the age of 26, I became homeless and I was very ill with depression. I was close to breakdown and having regular suicidal thoughts. My Mom had me back home and she gave me and my 2 year old *AJ her master bedroom. She bought me a new fish tank, a bigger one, and she told me to fill it with the most beautiful tropical fishes I could find.

Doing this helped me so much and I am so grateful for the wisdom that God gave my Mom. I would go out with my boy and we would find the most amazing Aquatic centres. They always had little cafes and we had a fabulous time looking at all the wonderful fishes.

When *AJ was 9 my Mom bought him his first aquarium

He was fascinated with testing the ph and nitrate levels he also memorised names, temperatures, origins and tank types. He would talk none stop about his aquarium and his teacher was fascinated at his knowledge. I got him so many books and he read every one of them. He loved his tank so much and then one night the thermostat over heated and boiled all the fish, we came down to an awful smell. All his beautiful tropical fish were white and floating on the top of the tank. My *AJ cried his eyes out, and refused to ever talk about it.

Here is a photo of him with his first aquarium, before the boiling obviously

In the cage next to the tank is “BOB” the Gerbil, we later changed his name to “Beelze-BOB”

That Gerbil was just plain evil.

*AJ, 9 years old, with his fishes

*AJ later went on to breeding mice,

He won shows at the national mouse association. I took advantage of his “SPECIAL INTEREST” he was obsessed with mice, so I used it to teach him in SO many ways. He had to clean them out and feed them every day and he had 57 at one point.

Over the years

Me and my kids have kept fish, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, ducks, quails, budgies, love birds, cockatiels, finches, cats, dogs, kakarikis, tree frogs and a snake.

We have quite a library of animal husbandry. I know that through animals I have not felt the loneliness in my life that some Aspies feel. My animals have been my friends, I have loved them and they have loved me back. They have given me friendship, companionship, many giggles….I had a Cockerel once called DUDE who would sit on my shoulder like a pirates parrot. A rabbit that came when it was called. My Kakariki loved being stroked and would call me to tell me he loved me. I had a cat called Fusspot who would regularly steal marsh mellows lick them and flick them up the wall. My dogs, cats and rabbits have given me a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to who is an exceptional listener, and never judgemental. My animals have brought me through tough times by being unique creations, they helped me to look to God and see Him in who they are and how they have been created.

My little *CAL looking at fish in an aquatic centre

NOTE: This post was written two years ago. I found it today to share with a lovely new friend that I “met” on facebook through Everyday Aspergers group. I have a lot of new followers that may not know about this part of my life and those who have been following me since the start of Alienhippy won’t mind reading this again.

I enjoyed reading this today, it helped me see just how far I have come.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

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Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances (Poem)

image from Google

Silly poem…Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances

by Alienhippy

Give as much as you are given

Try not to be too intense

Try not to ask any questions

Then you can’t cause an offence

~

Smile but only if they smile

Or they will call you a freak

Talk surface crap most of the time

Or they’ll just call you a geek

~

Don’t tell them anything personal

Unless you want everyone to know

Even though you told them in private

On facebook it will probably go

~

Acquaintances can’t all be like this

And…I’m sure a few, really do, care

But as they never turn up for coffee

Acquaintances cause me despair

~

I think I will stick to friendship

Because in that I know where I stand

I feel pretty happy with friendship

It’s a shame they all live in blogland.

*****************************************************************************

NOTE:

  • If you consider yourself my friend, you will not be offended by this poem, because you already know my humour!!! Giggle giggle snort. 😛
  • If you are offended by it, I suggest we talk because you really don’t know me very well at all. I have this side to me you know. It’s just the way I am created to be.
  • A message for one friend in particular…”This poem I wrote in 10 minutes flat mate!!!”…lol

Love you all. xx 😀

Dear Aspie who chooses love,

Dear Aspie who chooses love,

I know of a process that will help you move through the pain of your past scars. God is so good how He plans all this for us. I hate the crying though, the pain of releasing tears after so many years of trying not to feel. But it’s good for us to see how deeply we sense these things. The tears bring us healing and show just how vulnerable we are. Also just how much we need our Heavenly Father.

I do believe you have fallen in love with heart, spirit, gentleness, kindness, hope and a dream. It’s good to dream. We all need our safe places. However you may have done the classic aspie thing (just as I have done) looped in that fantasy and added plenty more loveliness to it. All our daydreams from all our years of waiting, longing and yearning. All our time alone replaying our happy loops over and over and reliving our smiles. Just wanting the aloneness to cease.

Now it’s time to transcend into loving the reality in all its glorious humanity, earthliness and beautiful vulnerability. It is time to be who you are created to be, a giver and receiver of love.

I must warn you…this bit can be quite a challenge. Pray for your heart to be open and loving, your motives pure and your mind to be at peace because the tears will now slow down. The loops will change and the seeds of self doubt will cause you to meltdown, shutdown, isolate yourself or run away before the pain and fear returns. This is the bit about self-control, unconditional love, feeling another’s pain, loving them through it and only ever wanting them to thrive.

Put away your ways of want, regain your childlike heart of hope, live in joy and freedom.

Your dream may never come to be. Others may never be able to see the depth of wonder you have peceived within, or grasp the intensity, emotion or passion. But the vision will always be yours and will help you to see past negativity. You will also grow through weaknesses and emotional pain. Renewed heart seeking only the beauty of the ones you love as they reflect in you and you in them.

God has amazing plans for you precious one. You are such a wonderous light. You can not stay hidden. Yes, you need to be on a hill sharing your shining beauty. Give hope to all those who cross your path. You are healing and will bring relief to others. A beacon of hope, chosen to shine truth and love to all.

I see you, I see Jesus in you and you are loved unconditionally.

So keep being you!

 Quote from Back Towards Light

Here’s to the people who try their hardest to be good enough for everyone; who spend hours reading random quotes to find the right one; who listen to the same song dozens of times because the lyrics mean a lot; who deserve so much more than they get and are willing to fight for it and those who wished upon a shooting star, wasted on someone that will never care; and to the beautiful people who feel lonely in their heart. And hide it all with a smile on their faces.

It’s okay to feel sad, anxious or afraid at times.
It is just a phase in your Life, and no matter how scary it might feel – it WILL pass.
Everything will happen in its right time, the way its meant to be – Even better than you might have dreamed of.
Never let anyone judge you for feeling this way.Have Faith – Hold on and be Strong.
Miracles Happen. Every day.Beautiful Hearts – You are Loved.
And you are Never alone. ♥

ASD’s and PTSD…Babble with a bit of Bible

I wrote this post back in 2011

I was reminded of it when reading this link from Autism Discussion Page.

PTSD and Autism

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Hello my lovely Bloggy friends

I have written before about how every day at school I was either bored stiff or scared to death. By the time I was a teen the idea of spending another week, in what I considered a hell hole, was SO NOT appealing. In my third year of secondary education (age 13-14) I had started to have suicidal thoughts. This was when I started to retreat constantly to my bedroom, also truanting whenever I could.

I have been pondering on this for the last couple of days.

Dissecting it and putting it where it belongs. In my past!

WAY IN MY PAST!!!

Also I was thinking on how, at around 8-10 years of age, I started to listen and believe the cruel jokes and taunts that children of this age use. As an undiagnosed Aspie with dyslexia the jokes were on me and they came thick and fast.

I became very quiet almost over night

At secondary school to survive I became the lookout for the groups of girls that “accepted” me. The friends I had once had in primary school were all in higher groups. My dyslexia held me back with everything, so the only kids I got to mix with were those in bottom group. Quite a few of them took on the hard knock approach, as they too were trying to survive.

Most of the jokes were played by my “so called” friends

I didn’t understand that they were just joking and I took it to heart. My bedroom became my sanctuary and I very rarely went out. I developed an attitude of acting like I didn’t care, I imitated those I hung around with at school. This then made me feel rejected in my own family because I became a nuisance. I was always arguing and made it very stressful for my Mom. I was behaving towards my Dad the way those at school were behaving towards me, both students and teachers.

What I have realised today…

By the time I had reached secondary school I had learned to cope with most of my sensory difficulties, they hadn’t gone but I was able to act well and avoid. I was able to do most things and had learned, to a degree, how to fit and not be noticed. I didn’t understand a lot of the social conversation between my peers, but I was able to fake it and giggle when they did.

I knew deep down that these kids were not really true friends and I was never able to be myself. On the rare occasion when I let little Lisa out a few of my friends liked who I was, but there was always someone to knock me back down, put me back in my place.

I have been reading lately about PTSD

(PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is mostly given as a diagnoses for people who have been in accidents, disasters, abuse, violence…etc.

There are a lot of sites that describe the symptoms of PTSD and I can’t help but notice how alike the symptoms of PTSD are to many ASD traites. One site I read talked about using Cognitive Therapy to disconnect the traumatic event from the emotions and flashbacks.

I did think this could be helpful because anyone who has suffered, or suffers from PTSD can actually, in a way, relate to what it feels like going into shutdown/meltdown. However, I also thought that perhaps for those of us who are high functioning on the spectrum these things cannot be disconnected because we have, in a way, suffered trauma most days of our lives. We have been put into situations we couldn’t understand, where we were terrified sometimes even in pain. Then when showing/reacting to this we were ridiculed, shouted at, sometimes abused, bullied and made to believe we are wrong, misfits, oddbods, freaks and weirdos.

On my post called I have a question…can anyone relate?

I was left a very helpful comment by another Aspie named eaucoin.

This is part of the comment…

You know that aspergers makes reciprocity difficult (both because we have difficulty setting boundaries and because we find it difficult to apply what we learned from one situation to another). What might seem to you (or other people) like failings can be reduced to symptoms that are unavoidable on occasion. You need to apply this to your memories and then comfort yourself for having survived situations that were difficult. I once heard a neurotypical woman describe having lost a dear friend to a misunderstanding at a time when she was going through the New Orleans flooding. She said losing that friend was worse than losing her home. I thought to myself how many times this (losing a friend or a loved one’s favour) has happened to me, and how often amidst my devastation I would tell myself I was being too dramatic, but if they walked in our shoes, even a neurotypical would understand how hard it is not to isolate oneself when the stakes are so high.

I had to look up the word reciprocity

I needed a clear understanding of what this meant to me. I was brought up by a very loving Christian Mother, we were her life and she loved us unconditionally. She loved very deeply from the heart, and everyone who knew her was her friend. I learned to imitate her ways and thought that all people were like her, my Dad confused me because he wasn’t. I knew I was like him and I didn’t want to be. Also I couldn’t understand why, when I was acting like my Mom, people still treated me badly.

While I was shutdown yesterday I prayed

I felt God’s still quiet voice explain to me that the way I talk to myself is NOT His way. It is all the memories of people who didn’t understand me, didn’t accept me. They didn’t care enough to want what was best for me, and didn’t truly love me.

I also felt that the way I should be talking to myself, explaining things to myself. Also how I allow others to treat me is how a loving Mother would.

I felt that God was telling me that I need to learn to Mother myself. I wouldn’t say the things to my kids that I allow my brain to say to me. I also wouldn’t let anyone else say these things to my kids either.

I have had years of NOT KNOWING

Years of not understanding that my brain is wired differently. The one thing I have always held onto is that God loves me and one day I will understand. Now I am older, an adult, my Mom is no longer here to help me to fit, or to help make me feel better.

I have got the love of God though and Jesus as my Saviour.

I KNOW that He will teach me His ways.

Isaiah 66:13-14

Good News Translation (GNT)

13 I will comfort you in Jerusalem, as a mother comforts her child.14 When you see this happen, you will be glad; it will make you strong and healthy. Then you will know that I, the Lord, help those who obey me, and I show my anger against my enemies.

James 1:12

Romans 5:2-5

Romans 8:17