Pray with Simplicity

Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.

The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They’re full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don’t fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need.

With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:

Our Father in heaven,

Reveal who you are.

Set the world right;

Do what’s best‚ÄĒ as above, so below.

Keep us alive with three square meals.

Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.

Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.

You’re in charge!

You can do anything you want!

You’re ablaze in beauty!

Yes. Yes. Yes.

~Matthew 6:6-13 (MSG)

These photographs were taken yesterday using my BlackBerry mobile while walking in the woods with my daughter. Love and hugs. Lisa. xx ūüôā

I like lists, I learn from lists

At the beginning of July I set myself a goal to post on Alienhippy every day of the month.

Today is the last day of July and I have spent the last hour or so having a look back at what I have posted.

I have pondered and prayed and can now see what I can learn from all this.

I learn analytically, it’s part of my ASD

Some have told me I tear myself apart. I say you can’t build on shaky foundations and I want to grown not keep falling down. Some have told me I am too intense and they think I think too much. I say it’s how I am created, it’s how my mind works and God sees me as Wonderfully Wired. Some have told me I am too open, too honest and that makes me vulnerable. I say it’s who I am I can’t be any other way I believe there are others who can learn from what I live…God has got it!

Here are a few lists, this is one of my ways to process

My lists help me find reasons, these show me why I posted those particular things on those particular days. I have reflected back and can now see a new way forward.

My posts through July

Each of these is a link, you don’t have to follow them they are here for my own learning. You can just scroll down to the next part.

  1.  July, the month to be real
  2.  I’m quiet today
  3.  A new loop, I love my normal
  4.  Wordless Wednesday (ROCK)
  5.  PAR…listen to the heart
  6.  Our day with photos.
  7.  Moment of expression
  8.  Pondering
  9.  Whatever is lovely, loopy.
  10.  ASD on the Bus (Silly poem)
  11.  Is that Sonic? Wordless Wednesday
  12.  The Burgundy Rug
  13.  My heart just needs to call
  14.  Gratitude
  15.  Sitting under my tree (Silent Sunday)
  16.  The Still Small Voice
  17.  Painted in oil
  18.  Busy Being *CAL
  19.  Let it be……
  20.  Emotions let loose
  21.  A look back at my way forward
  22.  Almost Silent Sunday
  23.  Mirror Tree Speaks
  24.  What am I listening to?
  25.  Dancing with flames
  26.  Busy having fun
  27.  Love Light, Shine Bright
  28.  Don’t follow the crowd
  29.  Escape from my spiral
  30. Photo gallery of our day

On these 10 days I was shutdown

Days…2, 4, 6, 8, 11, 15, 16, 17, 22, 24

My shutdowns were brought on by

  1. Publishing a goal and instantly feeling I would fail
  2. Shame and guilt from having a meltdown in a public place
  3. Feeling over challenged by a person’s words
  4. Being overloaded after too much social activity
  5. Feeling alone and missing those I love and can’t be with
  6. Self punishment, seeing myself as unworthy, a spiralling loop
  7. More guilt this time putting myself down feeling a nuisance to all
  8. Feeling exposed and misunderstood after sharing my heart

There are only 8 because one of my shutdowns lasted 3 days.

What have I learned?

  1. Keeping my body active being out in nature slows down my thinking
  2. Writing poetry, prose also painting are ways to focus and release my thoughts
  3. Photography is another way to focus and almost stops my thinking
  4. Prayer, singing, studying all focus my energy in a positive way
  5. I need to spend time with people to keep me outwardly focused
  6. I need time alone to process my thoughts
  7. Too much time being social and no time to process causes big problems
  8. I can achieve goals I set for myself I just need accountability
  9. I like who I am, I like that I am quirky, I’m different but definitely not less
  10. I neglect my other two blogs and need to update them more regularly
  11. I am not just a Mom, wife, sister, friend, blogger, poet, artist, woman of faith
  12. I am me, I am growing, I am learning, I am changing and that is just perfect

A parable that helps me, I love this video it’s so cool

Luke 6:46-49

The Wise and Foolish Builders

‚ÄúWhy do you call me, ‚ÄėLord, Lord,‚Äô and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.‚ÄĚ

Sitting under my tree (Silent Sunday)

Sitting under my tree

AMAZING PEACE

AMAZING PEACE

Looking up, my favourite branch

Looking up, my favourite branch

WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND…………

WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND WRITE AND…………

“Mother is a plonker”

You will laugh so hard at this, I am so naive. I’m not sure if I should blog it or not, but I know it will give you a giggle and I so have to tell someone this silly story. I spent an hour praying earlier about a little blue pill I found on the stair carpet.

It looked like drugs to me,

I prayed it out and cried about it, thinking it was one of *AJ’s friends and not knowing how to tell the Mother. I knew it didn’t belong to *AJ or his lovely girlfriend *A, but I wasn’t sure about *AJ’s friends and they are all grown-up adults now, they are not little boys anymore. It’s not cool for your Mom to be hanging around when your 18 and chilling with your mates.

Anyway, I decided to confront *AJ after fetching him from the gym, I really don’t want drugs brought into my house, so I rehearsed all I would say and I took the little blue pill with me. I knew if I placed it in his hand and asked the direct question he can’t lie and I can tell if he tries to, especially if I catch him unaware.

So I waited for him outside the church, I was still praying and going over my lines. He got in the car and I was all serious with my Mommy hat on. I said to him,

‚ÄúSon, I have something I need to ask you!‚ÄĚ

I place the little blue pill in his hand, give him a concerned but loving look,

‚ÄúWhat is this and who does it belong to?‚ÄĚ

*AJ looks at it closely, screws up his face and then opens it up and says,

‚ÄúIt‚Äôs a smartie Mother, look it‚Äôs got chocolate in the middle.‚ÄĚ

*********************************************

Ok…I really didn‚Äôt know they sold mini blue smarties. I feel such an idiot now.

Tell me you wouldn‚Äôt think the same too, just look at them‚Ķ. ūüôā

Remembering the early years with *AJ

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

There are many things I have had to seek help and guidance for. Not all the help and guidance, from well meaning people, has been the best. Some of it, both good and bad, has changed my life, changed my perspective. I believe we can find positive even in the negative, we just need to see the lessons.

When it comes to my kids I am so protective.

What loving Mother isn’t though. When your kids are on the spectrum I think that Motherly instinct is even stronger. Don’t get me wrong I do listen and accept that I have faults, I know my over protection is also not good for my kids. I pray and try my best to change, it’s not easy I love my kids. I love them enough to deny my own feelings if they are not helpful and seek out what is best for them.

I have been having a few thoughts

I have been thinking about the help and advice I have received over the years. What has worked for my *AJ and my little *CAL and what hasn’t.

*AJ is now 18 years old and will be going to University to study Advanced Maths in September. He went on his open day on Saturday, he’s not a baby anymore but he will always be my baby boy. I was thinking about the early years, when I was on my own, with my little Aspie and his traits of ADHD. All the tears and screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, punching. Also how he would be as good as gold when with people he was not secure with. I have been thinking about all the times I have had to find new ways to help him do things that other children found easy, did naturally.

I thought about the time when I was in the religious sect

One of the leaders pulled me aside and told me my son was out of control and I needed to discipline him. He actually said, “Lisa, *AJ is the worse behaved child in the whole church. You need to learn to control him. If you can’t control him at three years of age how on earth are you going to control him at thirteen!” This was a big church with many children, it broke my heart to think the whole church saw me as a bad Mom with an out of control child.

I was a single parent, I went home and cried for hours, I cried until I was sick actually.

I hadn’t got a clue why my boy did the things he did. I just knew that he wasn’t always being naughty. That sometimes he was acting in the only way he knew how to. I did what was the only thing I knew how to do, I asked God to help me and I believe He did.

I’m going to get some prayer time now and chat with God about the ideas I have.

I know that my experiences as a Dyslexic-Aspie have helped others, so I thought maybe if I share some of the things that have worked for me as a Mom, maybe they might work for others too. I just want to help where I can.

Before I go I thought I’d share this poem I wrote a couple of years ago.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx ūüôā

*AJ's 2nd Birthday

The College Drive.

by Alienhippy

As I drop you off on the college drive

An image I have of you, when you were only two

You were all I had in this world

I would bring you everyday

To play at the nursery

In this place of education

You had nightmares about Baked Beans

I had dreams, that I could better myself

And give you more

Today

I watch you walk through those gates

In your checked shirt and baggy jeans

With your dreams

And a whole lot of living to do

I feel my whole stomach turn

I yearn to hold your hand

I swallow back the tears and my fears

For you

As you walk alone

Into the unknown

‚ÄúHe‚Äôs only going to college!‚ÄĚ

I tell myself….. over and over and over

I drive home, the tears roll down my face

I look over to the place

Where your baby car seat used to sit

I smile a bit as your smile plays from memory

‚ÄúBeep Beep, Mommy, Beep Beep!‚ÄĚ you say

My little boy with his toy steering wheel

I feel…. pride, joy, sick and overwhelmed

All at the same time

I pull over

‚ÄúI can cry, I know I can, I have raised a fine young man‚ÄĚ

It’s like your first day in reception all over again

I went home and cried beside your toys on the living room floor

‚ÄúWhat for‚Ķ?‚ÄĚ

You will understand, when you take the hand

Of your newborn

Only today

I have to let you go……..all by your Jack Jones

You don’t see my reluctance

I hide it with a smile

And for a while I watch you hesitate

Then you go, through the gate

And down the college drive

Head held high

I ask why? Time goes so fast

Change is good when God prompts it.

Change is good when God prompts it.

Yep it sure is, it is exciting and refreshing.

It brings a new joy into your step and a smile in your heart.

******

This is a small part of a written conversation I had today, with my closest friend.

******

Alienhippy is getting back to how it started and my ASD stuff I’m putting on my Jigsaw blog. I need to understand myself but the analysing gets obsessive. Alienhippy is about passion not obsession. So collecting facts and putting them separate helps me.

My ways seem obsessive and I know there is a difference between being obsessive and being passionate. I have to understand things. I can only do this in my own way.

Imagine something you really need, it becomes a first thought. You will seek it out because it is a need. Something you really want is the same, but has an added excitement. This is how it works in my mind with learning and special interests. (Learning is my need and my interests are my wants) When I obsess it is out of insecurity, then I look WAY TOO deeply and I will start to loop. I gather too much information and can’t process it. Then I shutdown. I have to shutdown I can’t keep that up.

I have a few things collected that I obsessed on yesterday. They then made me focus on how the world sees me and how I see myself in the world, in time and space…which I find hard to understand. These things I will put on my Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego blog. Other people looking for answers about ASD will find them there. They can follow the links I leave and I feel I’m helping.

Also while it is there it is not looping in my brain. I can then pull on stuff from there as God helps me to make sense of it and see the Wonderfully Wired me not the worldly weird me.

I’m organising again…lining things up in my own God given way…LOL

********************************************************************

Social Cognition: Cognitive processes behind social competency

Let me backtrack to yesterday

I read the points on weak central coherence, pondered on it a little too much and the reality of it, the affect that it has had on my life brought me to tears. These tears would not stop and eleven hours later I was still a complete and utter mess. I have learnt though that God brings healing through tears. Sometimes we just have to let it out and give it to God.

In those hours I had been having flashbacks of many negative experiences over my life. Times I won’t discuss here at this point, maybe one day. Also times when I have giggled along with people when really I felt they were laughing at me. My not knowing what I have said that made people laugh but decided to act the clown and play along. Then playing that rerun in my head so many times I could not function. It all suddenly made sense and it really hurt, it hurt in my heart, my mind and it hurt me physically. Those on the spectrum with sensory difficulties know what I mean by this. Feelings, memories of being bullied and abused, feelings and memories of being shamed and mocked. But what hurt more was as time went on I learned to isolate myself, I cut people out of my life. I found them hard to understand. I had a lot of negative experiences to relate to, so I couldn’t trust people. It hurt me that I may have judged people on past experience and not given them a chance.

I spoke about this with my friend and then it occurred to me

People who truly love me and want to know me won’t and haven’t let me hide and slip out of their lives. They are the ones who are always there. There may only be a few but they are there.

I then thought about Jesus’ friendships

Something I always go back to, Jesus had many followers but twelve friends. He had three close friends. He only shared His true and deepest thoughts and feelings with God and His three friends.

We have many people come in and out of our lives

God gives us many ways of learning, many ways of loving and many ways of connecting to who we are in Him. True, open, honest, transparent friendship is such a blessing and a thing to be treasured. Without relationships we can never really find who we are. But bad relationships destroy any self, self-esteem AND self-worth we have.

Never being able to be your true self because of fear

As an Aspie I feel it takes a lot of faith to REALLY be yourself. I have one person in my life who I can sit face to face with, look in the eyes and say EXACTLY how I feel. I can share anything and know I am loved and accepted for who I am. I know that because of this friendship I am learning to trust again. I’m learning to be the me I was created to be. I see friendship as a gift from God and a way to help us heal.

I also have the choice to see my Autism as a gift from God

Help me Lord, to do what I can for you.

Help me to realize that I can use every gift to your glory, and for the good of others. Amen.

(Children’s book of prayer – Treasure Press 1985)

********************************************************

Link to what I collected to help me understand.

Social confusion in Autism (Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego)

Link to a poem I wrote when pouring myself out to God.

Deep in your arms (Listening through the Loops)

Invisible love. JJ Heller

Mom’s day…with a few photos.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’ve been out ALL day today, I have just sat down at my desk and turned my computer on for the first time today. It’s after 9pm and I have been out of my home for almost 12 hours. I know I’m going to pay for it over the next few days it’s just remembering why I’ll be feeling drained.

So I decided the best way for me to remember is to write it down as time can elude me and my short term memory is diabolical.

Ok…7am my alarm goes off.

It’s school holidays, I switched it off and fell back to sleep…LOL

I forgot what day it was and that my counselling, with my lovely counsellor, starts at 10:30am. Fortunately I got a text message that woke me up. I woke *CAL up and we quickly got ready. While I was praying in the shower I was reminded of something. Now my Aspie brain CANNOT let these things go…so I had to email my friend from my mobile while I sat drying in my bathrobe…I know crazy, but believe me these things just don’t leave my head otherwise.

It’s amazing I get there on time.

There is a little cafe that I go to and grab a tea to take out when I go to see my counsellor.

After my counselling I go back to the same cafe and write out a reflective review of what I have worked through. Like I said I have terrible short term memory. This also gives me the time I need to process all I have discussed in my 50 minute hour.

I received a text while in counselling

Because it is the school holidays my little *CAL stops with my Aunt while I see my counsellor. My Aunt TOTALLY enjoys this time and so does *CAL. My Aunt needed wholemeal bread and asked if I could stop off at the shop on the way back.

I decided to make the most of this time out alone and go and sit in one of my quiet places. I wanted to pray for those I love and also ponder on what life is showing me and how God is guiding me.

This is a photo I took, it doesn’t really do the scene justice.

This is what I wrote while praying and pondering.

I’m sat on a bench having a chat with God. There is quite a breeze here today and the surface of the water is quite choppy, I’m not sure if you will be able to see from the photo. I was wondering what God was showing me and it suddenly became quite clear.

The wind… it is disrupting the stillness of the surface but the depths are calm.

Also look at the birds… The seagulls are here again, there are a few resting on the water they have their heads facing into the wind and they are going with the flow of the waves, rising over them and staying in place.

Then there are the other gulls hovering above me resting in the wind also heading into it with a knowing about them.

Also there are a few who are using the wind to get momentum to dive into the depths to catch fish.

**********************************************************

Ok…it speaks to me, and those who get me, maybe someone else will get it too. ūüėČ

I pop to the local shop

This can be quite dangerous, I take after my Mom with this. The local shops usually have all the local school kids playing around them and the kids all know me as I’m their dinner lady. A trip to the shop 10 minutes from my home has at times taken 2 hours. hehehe

I only saw one of the Moms and we quickly said Hi and it’s not long now till they go back to school.

This Mom has 4 kids and said, “I KNOW I can’t wait!”

Me on the other hand…I would LOVE another 6 weeks off. My Aspie kids and I thrive in the school holidays. ūüė¶

Back at my Aunts.

My Aunt keeps kids busy…she always has. Personally I think she’s just a big kid herself and enjoys the excuse to play. I leave her to it and enjoy having a rest…ASD Moms, you all relate don’t you? Come on, speak up I can’t hear you! hehe.

Seriously I am very lucky to have someone else who loves my children unconditionally.

I gave them a 10 minute demonstration on watercolours also pen and wash then disappeared off onto my Aunts computer, with a nice cuppa to try and catch up with a few emails. I didn’t get much done before the questions started.

Then I get a phone call from *AJ

“Mom, I NEED wholemeal pasta and brown rice…also LEAN mince beef NOT the fatty stuff!”

*AJ is into cooking BIG TIME. He is also into healthy eating and body building.

He is “bulking” at the moment and cooks in great quantity. My kitchen is an *AJ Zone and in a CONSTANT mess…but he is learning and becoming independent, mess can be cleaned up. I repeat…He is learning and becoming independent, mess can be cleaned up. ūüôā

So off we go to ASDA

To drag my *CAL away from ART…OMGOSH and Auntie Bubble time means bribery. McFlurry is always a good way to go.

It took us an AGE to get to McDonald’s there were SO MANY traffic diversions.

On entering McDonald’s I noticed the smell and thought “OH NO!!!” I tried not to let it show.

Within minutes *CAL started to gag and then tears welled up, I’m so proud of her though she said to me, “Mom I think we need to go through the drive thru!” So we turn around and very quickly walked back out and queue up to eat in the car. (Sensory Integration Dysfunction) Don’t tell me it is ALL in the mind, that can be SO BLOODY ANNOYING!!!

Supermarkets are best done on a sweep.

This is not just for *CAL’s benefit believe me. I HATE SUPERMARKETS!!!!!

*CAL reminding me it’s her Birthday soon.

Driving out I see the sky Ooooooo…pretty!

I can’t help it, my closest friends are constantly being sent photos of clouds.

I was stuck at traffic lights, I got lost with this and ended up with the annoying BEEP, because the lights had changed and I hadn’t noticed…hehehe

9:30pm *AJ says to me…

“Mom…can you take me round to *A’s please?”

His girlfriend and her family had been to the nearest beach for the day and he wanted to see her.

I’m a big softy and they only live a short drive away, so half way through writing this post I took my boy with his plate of healthy/measured tuna pasta bake….his 6th meal today…round to see the lovely *A. I’ll be fetching him around midnight and I told him to remember to bring my plate back out with him.

Added point…Mrs C, if you are reading this tonight on your mobile through FB while cosy in bed please shout down and remind him. He has taken one of my new plates. It’s the only complete set I have all the others have plates missing or broken. Thank you!

Ok…that’s me done for the day, time to feed the goldfish and let the dogs out to do their business.

How’s your day been?