Happy back to the future day

21.10.2015Couldn’t let today go by without reposting this old poem from 2010

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Looking Forward not back!

by Alienhippy

If I had a time machine, where would I go in time?

It’s quite simple really, I’d go back to 1969

I would befriend my own Mother at the age of 19

She’d be pregnant with me, my face yet unseen

~

I wouldn’t tell her who I was, but…I’d tell her I’m an Aspie

I’d tell her about the problems my Aspie life has dealt me

She wouldn’t have a clue, but her nature would be loving

I saw her heart and will to learn each day as I was growing

~

I saw how her personality would really confuse my Dad

His inability to socialise made him get really mad

But he couldn’t express in words or write how he felt down

So…we would catch the aftermath of his Autistic meltdown

~

I’d explain to my Mom the importance, to be aware of what is the trigger

I’d mention about the damage done, when hearing people snigger

I’d talk to her about how things were, when I was just a teen

So she could be aware of reasons I go off into daydreams

I’d tell her what objects she needs to hide, alert her to my depressions

Be aware of all the times and why I skived off so many lessons

I’d tell her about my dyslexia, so she’d get me the help I’d need

She’d find a way to help me cope and maybe learn earlier to read

She’d then understand that I’m not shy, just fearful of rejection

She’d learn to broaden my horizon, not smother me with over protection

~

But if I had a time machine and I went back in time

I’d change the person that I am…this life would not be mine

All the stuff I’m learning the things I share with friends

The loving strength I feel inside as God helps me to mend

~

All the memories God can use the bad ones and the good

Would not be mine, I’d not be me, so I don’t think I should

Even think about a time machine, because now God helps me see

That His plan is I’m an Aspie and I can help by just being me

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“Looking for Louise!”

Me and Louise

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. ๐Ÿ™‚

I found this old post of mine today and decided to share it again. I believe that my longing to find another girl who might be “like me” was what kept me hopeful as a child/teen. Knowing that there was a possibility that this girl might actually understand me and be able to enter into my world had a profound mystery about it. I grew up undiagnosed with ASD/Dyslexia and mild ADHD it was very lonely and confusing so I was ALWAYS looking for my Louise. I think in a way that search never really ended, I just grew into an acceptance of the social norm.

So this is my story…

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both of our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom with her best friend together smiling, laughing hugging one another and dancing. It was the kind of friendship I could only dream about.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was extremely boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, no matter how many wonderful friends I find, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to always be seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

Listen to the Raven

Sharp_Raven_wallpaper_by_LadyLuminalToday we saw a raven and I thought of Elijah. Then in conversation with a friend I mentioned ravens and God using them to feed His friend. I decided to read a post I wrote some time ago and it helped me today.

In 1 Kings 19. I believe there is some wonderful advice that I have in the past put into practice. It works for me. I need to start finding that special time for me again, to keep doing that which works well with my soul.

I have had many thoughts about Elijah and I have read this chapter quite a few times. This post is one I keep returning to because I keep forgetting to let God look after me.

I have an online Bible devotional come through that is a excellent place to start. There is reference to this as I share my thoughts on Elijah. However the devotional started with Mark 1:35

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

There are two guys I know

Both of them want to please God and both of them are emotional beings. They were created this way and God understands them. They have all the same feelings and hurts as us. They also have the same fears and anxieties too. The one guy I have written a poem about in the past I also painted a picture for him. He is always there when I hit the pit. He is so real to me, so open honest and transparent. His name is Jonah.

The other friend of mine, his named is Elijah

Elijah helps me to get through my worst meltdowns. God has been allowing past hurts to surface lately and things I never believed I would have to face are being healed. In prayer and through tears I feel me growing. God is so good!

Reading 1 kings 19 is a Godsend for me.

When I first got the email I felt totally drained. I really couldn’t be bothered to read it. But that Still Small Voice inside spoke and said, “Read it Lisa!” I said, “No, reading is too hard and I feel like crap!” Again the voice inside said, “Read it!” I struggled with this for a bit, but I know when God directs it is always for our good. His plans are to prosper not harm.

This is part of what I received and decided to follow.

In the Bible we see many who experienced times of burnout. After Jonah’s miraculous delivery from the big fish and prophetic announcement to the people on Nineveh, he sank into a depression and wanted to die (Jonah 4:3). After Elijah called down fire from heaven that miraculously burned up the sacrifices of Baal, the fire in his own life went dim (1 Kings 18-19). Elijah prayed, “I have had enough, LORD. Take my life,” (1 Kings 19:4). Both of these men wanted to quit.

How do we avoid those same feelings of burnout? The first step is to realize that it can happen and does happen to the best of us.

What was God’s response to Elijah?

Let’s take a look at 1 Kings Chapter 19.

  • He allowed Elijah to sleep. (19:5) – rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat. (19:5) –ย  refreshment
  • He allowed Elijah to sleep again. (19:6) – more rest
  • He sent an angel to provide food for him to eat again. (19:7) – more refreshment
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing. “What are you doing here?” (19:9) – reflection
  • He spoke to Elijah personally. (19:11) – response
  • He caused Elijah to ponder what he was doing, again. “What are you doing here?” (19:13) – reflection
  • He told Elijah what to do next. (19:15) – redirection
  • He showed Elijah who He had appointed to help him. (19:16) – reinforcement

Rest

Refreshment

Rest

Refreshment

Reflection

Response

Reflection

Redirection

Reinforcement

Burnout happens when I focus on people and fitting in.

That includes me thinking too much about myself too.

“You can’t see yourself “in yourself,”

you have to learn to see yourself in Christ.”

~A Joyce Meyer’s fb status.

There was a reason why Jesus went off to solitary places to pray.

If Jesus had to do it maybe I should be more willing to do it too. My shutdowns are not such a bad thing if I give them to God at the foot of the cross. But I do believe that if I was more ready to listen, I wouldn’t overload myself in the first place.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

My Aspie sleep patterns, reminder why I blog.

Today I received a comment on an old post called “Loopy Loopy Loopy”ย I wrote this post while in a shutdown and have NO RECOLLECTION of writing it, what so ever. I KNOW I write a lot so this is not a concern, but it did make me wonder why I was shutdown? What was going on for me at that time? What had I been absorbing? I can see now what it was, and I can see I needed my safe place.

I very often re-read my old posts

It’s good for me to see what I have learned.It’s great when I am reminded of them, this took me on a mooch of that month. I found this post while mooching my blog and thought I’d reshare it.

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Anyone who is familiar with the Autistic Spectrum will know about sleep problems. I read my friends post this morning called

“Sleep is an enigma here” about her little boy having great trouble with sleeping and how it affects the whole family. I decided to write about my sleeping difficulties and the pattern I have noticed.

I believe that my brain has cycles of learning and times where I can’t learn at all. As I am dyslexic and have read very few books about Autism I have to just explain in my own way. I call this my Lisa Lingo and it helps me to understand things for myself.

My sleep patterns and learning

As far as I know I seem to have four and they relate to my learning cycles.

I have had to give them names to help me understand.

1. Airy-Fairy.

2. The absorber.

3. Loopy-Leesy-Loo.

4. The retreat.

Airy-Fairy

Airy-Fairy is a nick name my Mom gave me as a child, meaning I lived with my head in the clouds. It is a very peaceful learning mind where I am totally happy, daydreaming, content and a bit vague. I am very certain about everything in my life and I float around oblivious. This is a mood and mind I would love to have most of the time and when I am like this sleeping is easy, it’s my Aspie-happy place, however I do have strange dreams that are very vivid and usually linked to something God is helping me to understand.

The absorber

This learning mind needs to feed, it absorbs EVERYTHING!!!!!

When I am like this I will absorb everything I see, hear, smell, taste, touch. I will create visual replays and overlay in my head. It is a time when I feel a need to handle things, smell things, rub them on my face. I have to experience them, not just see them. My Mom used to say, “You don’t have eyeballs on your fingers, you don’t need to touch everything!” But I know now that I do, I learn something by handling.

This is also the time I can actually be close to people, I’m not familiar with. I can touch them and not feel weird about it. But I do notice everything about them, even what they don’t say I seem to see it in their eyes. This is the time I can just blurt out those personal questions and statements, making people very uncomfortable. But I can tell they are not good and I need to know the truth. Eye contact is alot easier when I’m absorbing. Although some people can be very scary when I am in this mind. But it is also lovely to act a bit like everyone else and naturally touch people that I warm to. But I don’t seem to have control over it, I have in the past done things like flick dandruff off a person’s shoulder or pick a hair off their jacket. This is ok with close friends, family but NOT with someone you have only just met. hehehe

I have to be careful in this learning mind if I absorb negativity it will cause nightmares and fear of sleeping. I will wake up about 2-4 times a night in this mind but if I have answers to most things in my head I can return to sleep. Also prayer is great when I am like this. I can pray myself back to sleep.

Loopy-Leesy-Loo

This is a nick name one of my best friends gave me.

With this learning mind of mine I am getting to full capacity. I have absorbed as much as I can and I am seeing puzzles everywhere and talking nonstop. With this I also see answers, connections and ways of fixing things, creating things and being totally and COMPLETELY focused. However if my mind and sensory are fed with negative or are overwhelmed, overloaded I can go into complete panic. Then I will shutdown or meltdown depending on how safe I feel, what environment I am in. This is where having faith helps me so very much.

Sleeping when I am looping is hard, I can’t switch my brain off, it can drive me nuts, so it is really hard to get to sleep with so much going on in there. I have to be physically exhausted and even then I will only sleep four hours before waking. I usually get up and write it out and pray it out. As a child I would end up in bed with Mom. Very often both me and my brother were like this at the same time and Mom would have us both babbling to her. I remember she bought us a tape recorder and told us to talk to that and she would listen when she was awake…giggle. She was funny my Mom. ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t have nightmares as such with this learning mind, more wanting to solve things and understand things better. But it can keep me awake all night and also I can go into anxiety with this.

The retreat

I have called it this because I know that even though I have shutdown, I am with God I am filtering and preparing. It is from my shutdowns and giving them to God that I learn the most life changing lessons. From deep in the pit, knowing He is there with me helping me piece it all together, I know now that I will ascend with new understanding. When I am in retreat I have to just do what I can to function. I have to keep praying for God to bring me out. It is not a place I like to go but I know now that I will learn my most valuable lessons from here.

When I am in this place sleeping happens because I am completely drained. I have to be kind to myself and I have to do whatever makes me happy. Using my creativity is my way out and I find God speaks to me through what I am doing or through simple things, through the still quiet voice.

I sleep quite well when I’m in retreat but very often wake up feeling upset, angry, alone and I can’t understand why.

Why I wrote this out.

I thought that as I am seeing this with myself, maybe others have their own patterns too. I like to share what I learn on my personal journey of self discovery. I have always felt so alien and alone, sharing helps me to not feel this way. I also know there are SO many undiagnosed Aspies out there seeking answers.ย Some of you may never comment, but you are reading. Maybe something I write in my silly Lisa Lingo will help you feel that you are NOT alone and you are NOT alien.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

It started with a fish.

It started with a fish.

I won a fish on the ‘hook a duck’ at the fun fair, I was 5 years old. My brother won one too, Mom put them both in one of those 1970’s over sized brandy glasses. We called our fishes, Tom and Jerry. For my 10th Birthday the present I wanted the most, I got.

My first Aquarium.

I kept cold water fishes and they gave me a place to stare, I found the movement of the water through the filtering system extremely calming, and I knew each of my fishes and how they responded. My aquarium was in my bedroom it acted as a night light and the soothing sound of filtering water helped me to drift off into sleep.

When I moved into my own flat at the age of 18, I still had this fish tank and I started my first tropical aquarium. I had been wanting to do this for years, but Mom and Dad would only let me have cold water fishes.

I started with easy to keep fish in a community tank, Guppies, Mollies, Zebra Danios, Neon tetras and some smaller variety of Gourami.

MY ONE BOOK

At this age I was fascinated by all the varieties

The different names and how to keep these beautiful creations alive. I learnt about water values and how to test for nitrates. I learnt how to control the temperature and which fishes would breed at higher water temperatures. I knew which fish were live bearers, egg layers, egg depositors. I became obsessed with everything that my ONE book taught me.

I can see now that if someone would have taken my passion for keeping fishes at the age of 10, and used it to help me read, to help me understand science, to look at the fishes anatomy, maybe research all the different plants that I could have grown in my aquarium. My educational experience could have been so very different and such a positive one.

Oh well…such is life!!

At the age of 26, I became homeless and I was very ill with depression. I was close to breakdown and having regular suicidal thoughts. My Mom had me back home and she gave me and my 2 year old *AJ her master bedroom. She bought me a new fish tank, a bigger one, and she told me to fill it with the most beautiful tropical fishes I could find.

Doing this helped me so much and I am so grateful for the wisdom that God gave my Mom. I would go out with my boy and we would find the most amazing Aquatic centres. They always had little cafes and we had a fabulous time looking at all the wonderful fishes.

When *AJ was 9 my Mom bought him his first aquarium

He was fascinated with testing the ph and nitrate levels he also memorised names, temperatures, origins and tank types. He would talk none stop about his aquarium and his teacher was fascinated at his knowledge. I got him so many books and he read every one of them. He loved his tank so much and then one night the thermostat over heated and boiled all the fish, we came down to an awful smell. All his beautiful tropical fish were white and floating on the top of the tank. My *AJ cried his eyes out, and refused to ever talk about it.

Here is a photo of him with his first aquarium, before the boiling obviously

In the cage next to the tank is “BOB” the Gerbil, we later changed his name to “Beelze-BOB”

That Gerbil was just plain evil.

*AJ, 9 years old, with his fishes

*AJ later went on to breeding mice,

He won shows at the national mouse association. I took advantage of his “SPECIAL INTEREST” he was obsessed with mice, so I used it to teach him in SO many ways. He had to clean them out and feed them every day and he had 57 at one point.

Over the years

Me and my kids have kept fish, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, ducks, quails, budgies, love birds, cockatiels, finches, cats, dogs, kakarikis, tree frogs and a snake.

We have quite a library of animal husbandry. I know that through animals I have not felt the loneliness in my life that some Aspies feel. My animals have been my friends, I have loved them and they have loved me back. They have given me friendship, companionship, many giggles….I had a Cockerel once called DUDE who would sit on my shoulder like a pirates parrot. A rabbit that came when it was called. My Kakariki loved being stroked and would call me to tell me he loved me. I had a cat called Fusspot who would regularly steal marsh mellows lick them and flick them up the wall. My dogs, cats and rabbits have given me a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to who is an exceptional listener, and never judgemental. My animals have brought me through tough times by being unique creations, they helped me to look to God and see Him in who they are and how they have been created.

My little *CAL looking at fish in an aquatic centre

NOTE: This post was written two years ago. I found it today to share with a lovely new friend that I “met” on facebook through Everyday Aspergers group. I have a lot of new followers that may not know about this part of my life and those who have been following me since the start of Alienhippy won’t mind reading this again.

I enjoyed reading this today, it helped me see just how far I have come.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

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ASD in the paint of randomness

IMG03991-20121207-1703I love to paint

I haven’t studied how to paint. I just love playing with paint. Playing with paint is like therapy for me.

I went to college to study art when I was in my twenties but the environment didn’t suit me. At that time I didn’t understand why. Being undiagnosed with Dyslexia and Aspergers probably had something to do with it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

My creativity is very personal

I like to experiment, mix things up, break a few rules and put a lot of myself into what I create. Just as I write it out, I also paint it out. I paint out my moods, meltdowns, shutdowns, misunderstandings. My highs, my lows, my searching and pondering. But also, I just love playing.

I paint abstract because I am too much of a perfectionist to paint any other way. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t reproduce exactly how I experience an image in my mind. So I find it best to distort that image and let it grow in the paint. I let it grow and develop its own character and in its own way. I let the paint show me how it wants to be.

The secret for me is to not try to make it perfect, just play and let it grow as it flows. It’s something just for me, a time where I can switch off my loops. For me painting is not about making pretty pictures, that’s what my photography is for, it’s about enjoying the paint. Letting the colours be an extension of what is in me, but not caging them in a fixed visual or idea. Not making the paint conform or restricting it but letting it dance and sing.

College for me seemed like I was being told to lose me and to be like everyone else. In my twenties my art was all I seemed to have left of me after having to conform in every other way. Having to imitate the styles of those who were successful, famous, idolised meant nothing to me. I got no release from trying to be like someone else. It just frustrated my brain even more. For me painting is therapy and it helps me to switch off the loops of being overwhelmed, over stimulated or from having to over analyse myself and every situation.

Today I was happy, so I played

I just purely wanted to play with my paints, like the big kid I am. An old canvas picked up from a charity shop, painted over which I scribbled some lines and patterns on. Nothing special, I just doodled.

Mr Locoman is not really interested in art

Especially art of the abstract variety…..hehehe

I have created MANY, MANY, MANY paintings. All have had so much emotion expressed in the paint. He has never understood any of what I explained to him, he says my depth of thought mostly just confuses him. That’s fine, just so you all know….anyone who knows me personally knows I talk and talk and talk. When I am processing I not only taIk and talk and talk, I also babble quite a lot in tangents and jump from arse-hole to breakfast time. In fact I KNOW that I verbally process myself round in such circles I forget what I was even talking about.

Anyway…..

My lovely hubby comes home from work and notices my play time on the kitchen table. I’m on the PC writing and researching when he walks up to me and says…

Mr Locoman…”That’s very bright, is it one of yours? What is it?”

Me (Oblivious, because I am researching gorillas)…”What’s what?”

Mr Locoman… “The painting, what is it?”

Me (Puzzled he is asking, screws up my face) … “Uh, what? It’s nothing.”

Mr Locoman… “I mean what is it about?”

Me… *rolls eyes* “Errrrrrrrr, it’s just paints and colours and shapes.”

Mr Locoman… “No, what is the meaning expressed in it?”

Me…(Giggle) …”Nothing at all, I was just playing with my paints.”

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Now, this might not seem funny to anyone else but I don’t care because it’s my blog and I’m giggling. I find it hilarious that my hubby expects me to talk non-stop because there is a painting on the kitchen table instead of his tea. He has got to know me so well that he thought I had had some kind of mental processing to do because I painted a picture.

Am I really that predictable?

Am I?

REALLY?

My play time isn’t finished yet

I’m going to add some of my squirty bottle swirls with brighter colours. I also like the idea of painting in some glitters, or metallic paints….FUN!!!! Of course I also need to add some fishes. It’s just not Alienhippy unless it has fishes.

Here is some RANDOM for you, because I like random

Take some time to escape all the Christmas shopping madness. (THINK) Wouldn’t it be nice if some of the Christmas shoppers were as kind and loving as this Gorilla?

Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances (Poem)

image from Google

Silly poem…Rules for Aspies on Acquaintances

by Alienhippy

Give as much as you are given

Try not to be too intense

Try not to ask any questions

Then you can’t cause an offence

~

Smile but only if they smile

Or they will call you a freak

Talk surface crap most of the time

Or they’ll just call you a geek

~

Don’t tell them anything personal

Unless you want everyone to know

Even though you told them in private

On facebook it will probably go

~

Acquaintances can’t all be like this

And…I’m sure a few, really do, care

But as they never turn up for coffee

Acquaintances cause me despair

~

I think I will stick to friendship

Because in that I know where I stand

I feel pretty happy with friendship

It’s a shame they all live in blogland.

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NOTE:

  • If you consider yourself my friend, you will not be offended by this poem, because you already know my humour!!! Giggle giggle snort. ๐Ÿ˜›
  • If you are offended by it, I suggest we talk because you really don’t know me very well at all. I have this side to me you know. It’s just the way I am created to be.
  • A message for one friend in particular…”This poem I wrote in 10 minutes flat mate!!!”…lol

Love you all. xx ๐Ÿ˜€