In searching my truth

roses

In searching my truth

by Alienhippy

In searching my truth

I found the love of God

Divine love has been calling

Whispering my name my whole life

I’d reached the end of my own strength

Admitting to myself

I was just biding time

Waiting on seeking

But never truly seeing

Never really listening

Not wanting to hear

Not wanting to see

Switched off to my senses

In the falling of the leaves came release

A casting away of all that had become

In sequence with changing seasons

My entire being grasped, gasped

Deeply inhaled

Sensed rightness

Exhaled

Sighing in relief

Recognition of soul harmony

The fullest truth of the summer blooms

Revealing to my soul

The flower trapped within

Butterflies and tickle birds

Creating new paths of flight

The key to my heart was given

Love unlocked then opened the door

And in that love

With that love

Through that love

I ventured out

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Smears on my windows

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I cleaned the windows today!

I know it’s SO interesting isn’t it? But before you run off I had a lot of thoughts while cleaning and a lot of clarity to what I have been feeling. So keep reading and I’ll share what I found helpful.

I really love to write

I know that my spelling isn’t great and I’m so grateful that God inspired someone to create spellcheck. Without spellcheck I wouldn’t have the confidence to blog. But even with spellcheck my spelling, punctuation and grammar are not the best. Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I struggle to feel accepted, you know how I fear rejection and also how my Aspergers and dyslexia cause visual loops and an inability to process or even understand at times.

Longing for communication and connection

I feel that everyone longs for connection, to feel loved and accepted for who they are. People on the spectrum are just the same, we may seem to shy away from friendships but that is because we are misread, misunderstood and we see things differently. We can’t always maintain eye contact because we can’t think/understand/process all that information at the same time. Some of us can speak and act really well, so well in fact we look like we fit. However we have this big aching void inside of us because who we really are is trapped and never allowed to be shown.

I am what is called high functioning and I have learned to conform. Only a very few people really know me, my bloggy friends know more about me than the people I see every day. Communication and connection comes easier for me through writing. Only my close family and one friend can cope with me in a meltdown. I have one friend I allow to see me when I am shutdown. I know she understands me, accepts me and loves me for who I am. I feel very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

So back to cleaning windows

My Aspie brain is very good at dictating a post while I’m busy. Cleaning windows is no exception. I’m quite fussy with windows, I wrote a poem about it once.

Here is the link for anyone wanting a giggle.

When I’m cleaning windows

Those who know me personally, know I could NEVER have an iPad or touchscreen mobile because I see every finger print and have to wipe it off. Finger prints and smears really do drive me mad, it seems they become my total focus. I wish I could change it I really do.

I was cleaning my bedroom windows and making sure I had no smears when I realised how focused I was on the glass and not seeing my cat on the fence looking at me. This reminded me of the time when I was in a religious sect and I was so focused on the scriptures, and making people see them as I did, that I didn’t see the people. I didn’t see their hurt, who they were or how they loved. We are all unique and how we love is unique too.

I was speaking with Mr Locoman about this

We talked about a railway group he knows. There are those who go because they have a deep passion for locomotives, and there are those who know a lot about locomotives. Then there are people who want to learn and people who want to share and those who want to feel part of something.

Each person has equal status but sometimes we can be so caught up in the fingerprints we forget to see through the glass.

I’m being abstract but I’m sure someone will understand me.

I cleaned the windows, hubby cleaned the car

I was driving *AJ and *DWKlymax to the gym this evening. It was dark and as I was driving I noticed a smear on my windscreen. For just a few seconds I stopped looking outwards and focused too much on the imperfection. A teenage girl wearing all black walked out into the road. I am so glad I didn’t focus on the smear for too long. I could have ploughed her down.

I know it’s not the same for everyone

For me though, my Bible can be like this. I believe that God’s word needs to be digested by each of His children in the way He gives to them. We are all created differently and we all hear God in the way He choses to reveal Himself to us and in us.

I learned the hard way not to use scripture to put my point across, who am I anyway, I’m just Lisa, we are all just a mist. If God uses me then I feel blessed by that. The scriptures I share on my blog and with friends are those that inspire me or those that have helped me. My opinion or my interpretation of scripture is for me, I share my ups and my downs. I share how God helps me, how He carries me through my dark times and dances with me in my joy.

That’s right, in my understanding

Our Heavenly Father is the bestest Happy-Dancer there is!

In the words of the song that’s looping in my head while I write this post,

“If you could see what I can see when I’m cleaning windows!”

For me I have to read, inwardly digest through prayer and then live life in His unconditional love. Accepting myself with all my imperfections and loving others for who they are. This is far more of a challenge for me than using scripture.

If I focus on Jesus, He will teach me to see through His eyes and He is the true word of God. I’m learning to see through windows in His way, in the time I have here, before the glorious time of being with Him.

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I love this song, I know I have shared it before!

I DON’T like the word “Obsessive”

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Look at the word Obsession

(World English Dictionary)

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

1. psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness

2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS WORD!

It’s probably just me and my past, but it just seems that sometimes when it is said to me it makes me feel all icky inside, icky and wrong.

I read a quote this morning on a fb pages

I can’t remember which one now but the words stuck in my head. I also read one of the responses to the quote and it made me think how important it is to see who we are in Christ. To try hard to see who God sees in us. Not how we view ourselves, or how those in our lives make us feel about ourselves. This is a very hard balance to find. I believe it can only really be obtained through relationship with God, over time, with maturity. It’s the mark we will always keep missing. God’s love is unconditional we can rest in the blessed assurance of our precious Saviour.

This is what I wrote down, it is what I pondered on and later what I prayed about.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

Not knowing why I’m different has caused scars

“We see it as we are…” If you grow up never feeling you belong the world can feel pretty hostile. I learned to see beauty in nature, animals, children, interests, songs and objects. I have always shied away from people and close friendships. I only put myself with groups of people when I knew I could cope. I have learned now to pick these groups very carefully after many bad experiences.

Being an Aspie is a blessing

I don’t always see this so I am writing it down today. I need to be able to remind myself the next time I have been totally overloaded and had to shutdown completely. I see things differently because my brain is wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

People say that Auties/Aspies are obsessive

It may seem this way if that’s what you see, but I want to change that word to passionate.

Obsessive is a negative word in my head it makes me feel that I am wrong, strange, weird, freaky.

I can be very focused, I see things in great detail. If I am interested and care about something or someone I am very loyal, dedicated to that. I very often will miss other things going on that are not interesting to me. In my life I have been made to feel bad for being me, I have been made to feel stupid because I have missed things. To feel I’m a nuisance because I need to communicate in my way.

for instance…

I loved my fish tank as a child, I would sit, focus and learn everything I could about my fishes and my aquarium. Fishes have always been positive in my life and helped me feel happy. While all the girls my age, were watching the Live Aid concert. I was cleaning out my aquarium and listening to it, I had new plants and I created a new environment for my fish. I was totally happy doing this and remember it so very well. When meeting up with these “friends” I didn’t know much about what had happened in Live Aid, I only heard the music. I listened to them all talking and was afraid to say I didn’t watch it, I only listened. I knew how they would all react. I would have been 16 years old and I knew my ways seemed odd to most people.

Now look at the word passion

Passion (from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω (paskho) meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.

The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject, idea, person, or object. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.

Those who know and love Aspies/Auties

I believe you too will see this, we can’t control our happy-dance, our smiles, our clapping, our over excitement. I believe those who love and accept see how we focus and watch how we learn. I believe you can also see how we shutdown out of hurt, fear, rejection and an intense feeling of overwhelming wrongness that we can’t process.

So you too see through Aspie eyes!

Passion is what I feel towards what I am interested in

I am passionate about my family and as a Mom to understand my kids and be the best I can be for them. I am passionate about my relationship with God and finding His calling in my life. I love my blogs and I get a lot of positive experience from writing.

“Obsessive” seems….I don’t know.

I just know that to me it makes me feel like I’m bad in some way.

I used an apple to describe my brain today

That’s right I had to explain how I think to someone today.

Any other adult Aspie who can relate to this??? 🙂

I couldn’t use words and I needed something to hold and look at to explain myself. I got two apples out of the fruit bowl and explained what I understand in my way because I hate it when people tell me I am obsessive and they say it in a way that sounds so negative.

Two Apples, this one is Autistic and this one NT…..LOL

Passionate sounds so much better! (Don’t you think?)

What I am passionate about is always at the forefront of my mind, I can’t change that, my brain has ALWAYS been like that. It’s what I call my lovely loop, it’s a very positive loop for me that gives me joy and happiness. It helps me to feel I belong and gives me energy, motivation and confidence. My special interests are part of this loop. When I can feel good about this loop I can feel good about me and then functioning in a normal day and being around people is NOT at all hard.

When I’m made to feel negative about this loop THEN it becomes obsessive because I am trying so desperately not to feel rejected/isolated/defective. I can’t switch off what I love to do, what I like to think about. I can’t switch off thinking about those I love and ways I can help them. My brain is always puzzling these things out, always communicating with itself and because I have a faith my brain automatically will pray too. I can’t stop how my brain works, I can however let it loop, allow it to feed me positive energy and use that energy to help me in daily life. I can enjoy the visual overlays that inspire me in my days, the reruns and the imaginary conversations. As a child I couldn’t control this and I couldn’t understand why the things I loved to do where taken from me. Why I felt so alone or why I felt so stupid when given something to do that had NO interest to me what.so.ever. My interests are what taught me to eventually learn to read, no one had given me a book I was interested in, so why would I want to read. My passion for learning the truth about Jesus taught me to read.

Having kids, responsibilities and routines helps

I am able to plan and put slots in my day. One thing I enjoy is finding quotes in my coffee quote time. I love to write and paint, sing and play my guitar. I love spending time with my kids and my dogs. I also love spending time with those who love and accept me. I am finding me again. The person God created me to be in all my Aspieness and also in His image.

So after pointing at the front of an apple

Explaining, the best way I could, what my brain works like and how I have had to fake who I am most of my life to avoid ridicule and social rejection. I then spoke on how I have embraced my Aspieness after hiding who I am for nearly 40 years. I am not the person that bends over backwards trying to please everyone just to keep friends anymore. Today when someone I love said to me, “Lisa, hand on heart, you have to admit you are not the easiest person to have to cope with!”

I know this person meant well, I know this person totally loves me. My real self has come as a shock to this person who has only known me imitating my Mom. Not the me who had no close friends and no one who could relate to me. This person only saw what I allowed to be seen.

I thought about the words I wrote down this morning.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

I know God created me to be me. So I will listen to Him.

I’m not obsessive, I’m passionate about who God created me to be.

1 Corinthians 13:12

The Message (MSG)

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Collection of my Aspie thoughts today

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

It’s NO secret that I am not particularly fond of foxes. Now I don’t wish them any harm, they need to survive I understand that, I just REALLY miss my chickens. Today however I cuddled on the sofa with my girl and watch story time and the story was called, The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green. It was this story of a Mommy fox that pulled some of my Aspie tangent thinking together.

I found this quote on fb      ———>

Those who know me personally know how I love quotes, images, and scriptures.

Those of you who are added to my fb see them most days when I get my coffee/quote time.

I love to share what I find, it brings me a joy to know that something I find, that helps me, may also help someone else too.

I have had a nasty cold all week this week

My little *CAL has caught it too and we haven’t done a lot today but spend time together resting, we have watched a film and a bit of TV. One of *CAL’s Goldfish (Roger) died yesterday so she is not too happy at the moment. Also because she is not well she has missed the fun day at school helping her best friend with a stall to raise money for “Children in Need.” <——–Link

I read a post today on a blog I follow

I read it from my mobile while me and *CAL were having our movie time.

Here is the link… The Chase

This post made me ponder on the simple questions

Are you chasing Him? What are you seeing? What are you seeking?

I’m an Aspie Mom with Aspie kids

This is where Story time brought it all together for me. I have so many thoughts that I ponder on, I find taking the time to be still and rest will always pull them together, and God finds the strangest things to pull my loops together.

Here is a link to the story that me and *CAL watched.

It’s a lovely story and quite short please watch it if you have time.

The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green, read by Josie Lawrence.

Yes I know it’s a kids story book but Jesus did say those who have ears let them hear.

God reaches us where we are at, and I’m still a big kid!

As Moms with kids on the spectrum

I feel we learn to protect constantly, our kids are vulnerable and misunderstood by many. The things we talk about most people are not interested in and the difficulties we have to cope with daily only other ASD parents can possibly understand.

I’m also Aspie so I have lived with the social isolation and being misunderstood by others, also me misunderstanding others all my life. I learned to conform, to act, to NOT stand out, just fit, because rejection hurt so very much! I learned that who I am is never appreciated so it is best to stay hidden. Seeing my kids getting hurt and being misunderstood hurts so very deeply. Watching them conform and lose parts of who they are breaks my heart.

Back to the fox and my tangent

I dislike foxes because they hurt something I loved, they took it from me. A lot of the time I think us ASD Moms feel this way about Autism. I know in my life I have constantly prayed to be accepted and have friends who love and accept me for who I am. I believe it’s not the Autism that is the difficulty but unaccepting people who push for conformity and set unrealistic goals for those on the spectrum to reach, in a time limit that society pushes down our throats. Unconditional love and acceptance for who we are is really all any of us need.

In the story of the Fox in the Dark

The Mommy fox is looking for her baby who is lost in the dark. All the other animals are afraid of the fox because they have their own understanding. They are judging this fox on what they know of foxes.

Isn’t this so true about Autism too?

I have heard these words so many times, “She doesn’t look autistic!”

I’m reminded of a scripture

Luke 9:58  (NIV1984)

Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

And also another…

Acts 17:28 (GNT)

as someone has said, In him we live and move and exist.
It is as some of your poets have said, We too are his children.

I don a mask for every day

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I have a poem to share today, I wrote it after a reflective prayer time. I find that is when my poetry flows easiest and very quickly. I believe prayer is a gift that God gives to us. A gift of friendship, unconditional love and acceptance from our Heavenly Father.

I don’t always think this way though

And then I end up on my knees anyway because I haven’t processed things properly, I have become overloaded and I shutdown. So I am learning to build a better friendship with Jesus because He is the best friend I could ever have.

I read a wonderful post the other day

It was written by my closest friend Fiona over at Wonderfully Wired. It is a very touching post and it reminded me of an old poem I wrote way back in my first three months of blogging.

A poem called “Internalise”

It also reminded me of words spoken by Paul to the Church in Corinth.

These are Paul’s words

2 Corinthians 3:18  (NIV)

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

As I sat and reflected on my thoughts

I “Listened through the Loops” in my mind and I knew I had a post to write, and then a poem came instead. I will share my poem at the end of this post.

All those STUPID MASKS

In Fi’s post she talks about how she has to wear a mask and pretend. She also share about how her beautiful son *Harley is learning to put on a mask too, because he sees he is different to the other kids at school. *Harley has Aspergers.

He also sees that for most people he needs to pretend and conform to society and it’s unwritten rules. That his beautiful loving nature is a thing that other children tease him for. I know these feelings all too well, seems to me the more you love the more you get hurt.

Fiona also shares of how when *Harley comes home he can take off that stupid mask and be just who he is created to be.

You can read Fiona’s post here, Stupid Masks

Fi’s unconditional love for her children, her passion for bringing awareness to the needs of those on the spectrum, her accepting, loving, open and honest nature makes her blog a must read.

Plus I find my friend so very inspiring. 🙂

Here is my poem

I don a mask for every day

by Alienhippy

I don a mask for every day

Slip out the door my head will pray

I speak the words my heart will hear

Protect me Lord from all this fear

~

As I’m walking through this day

Give me ears for what you say

With faith my hope will always please

You’ll bring these loops down to their knee

~

These masks can go and I can be

Wonderfully Wired created to be me

Seeing through your eyes, born unique

Living in acceptance gratefully I seek

~

Your Son will help me fully live

Not for myself but learning to give

And in my life your love will flow

My feet and heart will gladly go

~

To every corner that’s in darkness

Tell my story share this gladness

You came to me to heal my pain

In your love, I trust love again

~

Just like a child without restrictions

No tortured confines, obsessive addictions

But giving freely and believing in you

To guide my life and get me through

Doodling in the dirt!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

In my last babble post I spoke about an encounter while shopping. This experience has stayed with me for a WHOLE week now. I have had a shutdown during this week after a build up of “Not Knowing” how I’ve been feeling, so I was not really able to process or filter out experiences. Also a fear came over me of writing, because of misunderstanding a person and their choice of words.

“I not know what I done!”

These were the words spoken by the young man in the post I refer to. The words that caused my shutdown in a supermarket. If you are confused here is the link to that post…

Shutdown in a Supermarket…The Big Issue?

“I not know what I done!”…or for me, “I don’t know what I did wrong!” has been a familiar and constant thought. It replaced the, “Why???” question. At around 8-10 years of age I realised that my constant “WHY?” was more than annoying to everyone I asked. I started to try to guess and work out what was meant. Not easy when facial expression and body language are not part of your understanding and you take everything literally and to heart.

I over think things now!

I realised this week that because I can’t always make out what a person means, I actually read it totally wrong a lot of the time by trying to think it through. I suppose this comes down to my lack of confidence in understanding peoples intensions. Not wanting to ask because I’m fed up of being laughed at. Also a lot of people just don’t seem to have time to be bothered with anyone but themselves. I am constantly analysing what people say, I try to figure out if they actually mean the words they are saying. I think this is also to do with my literal thinking. But I hate the thought of saying or doing something that might hurt someone.

Writing is something I never thought I would do!

That is the total truth! If someone would have said to me in May 2010 you are going to write and share you thoughts and feelings to 100’s of people 3 times a week and have 2 blogs I would have thought they were mad. But here I am babbling away and I still can’t believe that I do this. I do love to write though and it helps me so much to release all the many, MANY thoughts I store up in my mind.

I don’t know what I do wrong and the “Why?” is no longer cute.

But I do know that I can’t go far wrong if I keep looking to Jesus.

If I keep following His example, I keep looking to His word and trying my best to put it into practice.

Accepting that I am only human and I know how often I fall short.

KNOWING deep in my heart that God loves and accepts me just as I am.

Even when I don’t know what I’m doing, just trying and failing is better than sitting and stagnating on what ifs and maybes.

Trusting in His plans that are to prosper and not to harm.

My head fills up with questions all the time!

I don’t get a lot of people, I simply don’t understand them and their ways. I have to filter through my understanding of who they are. This can be very draining sometimes. If I don’t do this though I am way too trusting and people are not always nice, then I get incredibly hurt.

My many loops of questions and conversations, replays and visuals can trap me and push me into wrong situations. These will then spiral and bring me to shutdown or even meltdown.

Also when people keep pushing me for decisions or for answers, I can’t reach my own perception. I will mimic and I will people please to stop the confusion in my mind. I will do this so very well I have had years and years of practice at it!

I have found a way of helping myself with this.

Now that I see this about myself, I have to first say “NO!”

Those negative, put me down voices of my past…I say, “No…That is a lie!”

I have shared before how I love art and how as a child I would doodle in my margins at school to try to understand better. This got me into a lot of trouble and because of a lack of understanding of ASD’s this also damaged my learning experience and educational development.

When I was reading my Bible the other day…

I realised that I’m not the only one who needs to doodle and look away to stop the questioning and find my truth.

I realised that I’m not the only one who has to disengage eye contact to hear my inner voice.

I realised that I’m not the only one who can process my thoughts when writing them down.

I see with Aspie eyes and my own tangents bring me peace.

Jesus saw through God’s eyes and His love brings eternal life.

John 8:6-8 (GNT)

They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger. As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them. Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her. Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee while I was coming through a shutdown.

Doodle Fish, painted with Coffee!