Matthew 6:25-34 (MSG)
Verse 26
Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
Silent Sunday
4
Tag Archives: happiness
His Eye is on the Sparrow, His hand is on my heart.
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
Sometimes you just know when God is speaking to you and other times life can be so noisy we just can’t hear Him. I am a big believer in getting quiet time each day, because I know that if I don’t, it makes my Autistic traits far worse for me to cope with.
This morning as I was reading my favourite Christian blogs I was reminded of an old post of mine. It’s funny how God does that, nothing quite as challenging as seeing your own words. I have been feeling that I needed to find ways of…
“Just being me!” again.
Since coming out Aspie there have been a lot of hurtful things said to me and I have gotten to the point now where I feel I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. People will either accept me for who I am or they won’t.
So I just want to say…Thank you God for loving me.
Also I would like to thank Richard for being just who he is,
“Richard your posts are a blessing my friend.”
This is the link to Richards post, Speaking Silently.
Richard is very real and his sharing of his walk with Jesus is very honest and open.
Love and hugs everyone and enjoy the re-post.
Lisa. xx 🙂
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His Eye is on the Sparrow.
(November 21, 2010)
When I first started blogging I was in hiding.
I had gotten to a point of near breakdown and the world was just too much for me to handle. I only shared my Art and Poetry to start with. I didn’t really talk to anyone. A very special person came along and started to help me. She became my first friend and helped me to open up and start sharing a little of myself through my blog.
I have made lots of friends through my blog since and you are all very dear to me. Because of the encouragement from bloggyland I am learning to be me.
~
God certainly works in mysterious ways
Who’d have guessed that He would come and find me hiding in the internet…God is so good!
But…I guess He did send a big fishy to fetch Jonah….giggle… I’m, so strange. Where do these thoughts come from???
When my internet first started to play up I sent my lovely friend an email, from my sisters. My friend told me to reach out to God because He will pick me up.
I have been doing this, because I have felt very cut off and really quite alone. I didn’t realise how much we all used the internet it’s just something we do without thinking.
Anyway…..
I prayed about this obviously (in my childlike way) I asked God to switch it back on again, first of all.
“Had a little bit of an Aspie meltdown…or was it a tantrum Lisa?” Thank you little voice, I know. You don’t have to keep butting in. I will tell them.
Then I thought… well what can I learn from this???
Well… now I know!
I love my blog, and all my bloggy friends. I miss going onto YouTube and watching my videos, I can’t watch the TV it causes me to much negative and then it cycles.
I miss reading my friends blogs, seeing how you all are.
I miss my comments and replying to my comments.
I miss searching around on Google looking for cartoons to go with my posts.
I love that I can entertain myself doing this. I often can’t stop giggling while looking.
This morning I woke up and just wanted to sing to God.
I had had a dream, quite a strange dream actually where I was chatting with God.
God said to me, in this dream, that when I sing it comes straight from my heart and sounds beautiful to Him.
Then I said to God, “But I think my voice sounds awful God!”
Then He giggled and said…”By the time it comes to me it is perfect, so keep singing to me.”
So this morning I woke up all excited about singing to God.
I ran downstairs in my Jim-Jams, into the conservatory, grabbed my guitar and sang to Jesus.
I was looking out onto my garden, its autumn here and there are leaves everywhere.
Right outside my window a little girl Sparrow perched on the fence only 3 feet away from me.
She looked straight at me. I could see her little dark eyes. She kept tilting her little head from side to side listening to me sing.
Now I know birds do this, I once had an aviary full of Budgies and I kept Chickens for year. I also had a pet Parrot called Po-Po who I loved so much.
I can tell when a bird is listening.
AND….NO, I am not mad…I know what I saw….giggle.
I carried on singing and kept repeating the song thinking she would fly off soon, but she didn’t.
She just stayed there looking straight at me listening to every word I sang to God. Bless her little sweetness.
Eventually I stopped singing and put my guitar down. I smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” and I nodded my head to her.
She hopped closer nodded back and flew off.
I just thought WOW….God sent a Sparrow to listen to me sing to Him.
Today I went back to my old Church
I left 18 months ago feeling very misunderstood and quite hurt. I told the people (I needed to tell) that I have Aspergers Syndrome.
I told them how the Church had not been the best environment at times for some of my ways.
I also told them that I love my Christian brothers and sisters all around the world, in fact I love all people, but I am an Aspie and that makes me a little different.
I explained that I will only be doing what I feel God wants me to do, and I will not be made to feel guilty for not always being able to cope with the environment of the Church.
I also said I know God made me this way, and I am just the way I am supposed to be.
I was welcomed back with open arms and they accepted what I said…for now anyway.
SO…..
My Aspie-happy is out again. This time it’s the real one, not the one behind a mask.
I went to Church dressed in my happy clothes, because I am a multi coloured Rainbow.
And
The negativity I carried in my heart for 18 months has been completely turned upside down.
Blogging is certainly helping me, and I thank all of you. XX 🙂
It’s so easy to take me apart!
wonderfullywired.wordpress.com
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
Wonderfully Wired is what I’m learning to see
My wonderful friend Fi helps me so much with this. How? It’s so very simple really….she loves and accepts me for me! She accepts my quirky ways and doesn’t put unrealistic expectations on our friendship. She also prays for me and my family. This is something I have never had in a friendship before, but it is something I have always prayed for.
In my last post I said I’d been inspired by one of the photos Fi had sent to me. So I’m going to share some thoughts I had about it.
Let’s talk about an Autistic trait of mine…
Analysis
Analysis is the process of breaking a complex topic or substance into smaller parts to gain a better understanding of it. The technique has been applied in the study of mathematics and logic since before Aristotle (384–322 B.C.), though analysis as a formal concept is a relatively recent development.
The word is a transcription of the ancient Greek ἀνάλυσις
(analusis, “a breaking up”, from ana- “up, throughout” and lysis “a loosening”)
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Taking things apart is something a lot of ASD kids do
Not just kids though adults do it as well, I really enjoy taking things apart it’s like an adventure into another world. It’s a time of discovery and learning in my own way and in my own time. Not too long ago I took an old computer apart, just for fun, and collected all the pieces that I know I can use in a sculpture one day, when I get the time that is…. 🙂
When I’m taking something apart I can see how it all works. I can imagine rebuilding it in new ways. My brain just comes alive and I don’t notice anything else around me. Or anybody actually…I get lost in there, in the WHOLE process of it. AND….it’s so very lovely. 🙂
Putting things together is different
Why?
Instructions…expectations…a feeling of failure and disappointment.
Confusion, complications and always someone telling you you’re doing it all wrong.
I do love solving puzzles though, I just like to do it on my own with no help at all, away from everyone.
Having someone around “hovering” while I am building/making/solving something is very distracting. I have my own way of doing things, but because of how people have been in my past, I’m used to feeling like I do things wrong all the time. So having someone watching me build something (like a flatpack) while trying to follow instructions, actually throws my brain into meltdown mode.
I can keep this in for quite a while now, but as a kid the model, puzzle or board game would get kicked into the air or thrown across the room. I would then stamp off in a vile mood to a safe place, this made me feel guilty and wrong. I would then get REALLY told off for having a “temper tantrum” Yes…that’s what happens unfortunately when you are high functioning or undiagnosed. People have expectations of how you should be, because who you really are is unseen.
The invisible disability…“The invisible people”
Your intelligence in other things is noticed but your behaviour with so called simple things is unrecognised as a difficulty. This caused me a lot of confusion as a child. I felt so clever with some things and so stupid with others.
As a child I had no control over my reactions, my body acted in a way to protect me. I learned as I got older but I also learned to internalise TOO MUCH! I became far too quiet. Even the things I was good at, the things I had gifts with were no-longer enjoyable, I felt I did everything wrong.
Creating is different
With creativity it’s like building something while taking it apart. It gives me both! I see something being built/made/created but also feel the adventure of seeking and discovering. There are no rules in creativity, no instructions, no right or wrong way of doing (or there shouldn’t be)
School changes this, they place rules on the arts, they tech techniques and place expectations. I was always very good at art at school, but on my bad days I couldn’t meet the goals of my teachers.
Lisa is a quiet child with a lot of talent, she is naturally gifted in art, however she needs to try harder. She tends to drift off into daydreams and not finish the work set for her.
(one of my teachers)
I love this quote by Pablo Picasso
“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”
It’s so easy to take me apart!
With God’s love I am learning to put me back together.
God’s creativity flows through everything and also through everyone who lets Him in. I’m learning to use my Wonderfully Wired mind to see through my Aspie eyes. True creativity comes NOT from learning techniques and reading from books but from within, from who we are created to be. Creativity and expression are a scary thing to share, but it is also very healing when we do. I have always naturally wanted to learn about the things I love doing, the things I am interested in. My Aspie mind needs to feed on information, when I am interested in something it’s all I can think about.
Fi’s Blog title is…
Wonderfully Wired “Created to be remarkable…”
Created to be remarkable…I see this in my kids and Fi sees it in her kids.
“Different, but not less.” Those of us with spectrummy kids all see this and want everyone else to see it too! It’s not easy being a Mom to kids on the spectrum, not for NT or Aspie Moms. Our kids are unique and wonderful creations. They are blessings from God that we feel a need to protect. We see their quirkiness and we love it. The world however….well, let’s not go there!
As parents to kids with quirks we see its affect every day!
We already know how some people mock that which they are ignorant about, that which they refuse to try to understand.
Bringing awareness to the needs of those on the Spectrum is so very important.
Without people sharing what it’s like there will always be people who tear Aspies/Auties apart.
There will always be the bullies, the manipulators and the abusers. But through sharing our journeys we are building a path for others to walk on. We are making a safe place for others to share. We are telling our stories in the hope that things will change.
I love blogging….. WHY?
Because God has given me a way of taking me apart and building me back up, in a group of loving and accepting friends. In a little community I like to call Bloggyland.
“A place where I can be me!”
Love and hugs friends.
Lisa. xx 🙂
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message)
So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.
I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it.
Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego
Image from Google
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
A sturdy cardboard box, covered with retro funky 70’s orange floral wallpaper. Can you visualise that? I can still see it in my mind 33 years later!
Inside this box is a collection of lost and missing pieces from games, jigsaws, Lego sets. Action mans missing boot and Cindy’s lost tiara. Not to mention a few marbles, ball bearings, coloured pencils and even a few toy soldiers.
Yes, it is the lost and found and I can’t be bothered to go and sort these things out right now. I’m a very busy young Mom and I have FAR TOO much to do looking after these hyperactive kids and my moody hubby….I loved my Mom SO VERY MUCH! Thinking of her makes me smile! 🙂
My Dad built an extension on our home
We called it the playroom and it was filled with all of our toys. It was lovely in the summer, it had a terracotta tiled floor and the door opened onto the back garden. Our black Labrador (RAF) would go in and out as he pleased, following my beloved ginger tom cat Sammy. In the winter though our playroom was absolutely freezing, so me and my brother would grab a box of toys…actually we’d grab a few boxes of toys, and bring them into the living room.
The contents would then get emptied out ALL OVER the living room floor and we would play quite happily or fight over things. Mom would find all our bits under the furniture when she vacuumed. Sometimes she’d find them down the sides of the furniture, under the rug and even behind the telly if we’d been throwing things at each other. She’d then put our bits in the box.
Two Aspie kids playing our own games
As we got older my little brother became even more disorganised and I became the bossy little organiser. He would use books to build ramps for his wind-up Evel Knievel and he’d mess up the playroom something terrible. He’d mess it up SO badly that I just couldn’t cope with it actually. My bedroom became my safe place, a place of calm and order. I kept my special toys in my bedroom where I knew they wouldn’t get hurt. Notice I say *hurt* and not broken. I’ll write a post about that another time.
Thinking out side of the box
I knew that if any of my toys, puzzle pieces, bricks or bits from the Lego models were missing they would be in the box. It was just a case of going and mooching through. There was always the risk of Mom saying, “Now you’re in the box you can put things were they should be!”
I didn’t realise that this method of lost and found, find and sort was something I was STILL using until a few days ago. My computer was returned and it had been rebuilt with EVERYTHING completely wiped off. Have you ever seen a grown Aspie burst into tears because her collections and projects have all disappeared. You get the picture, I went into shutdown.
I am extremely visual and I love to collect
I had so many files of images, links and quotes that I enjoyed and could recall when I had filtered through my mix up of thoughts and loops. I had slide shows I could put on of Art I had collected. Old photos I had scanned and could find in seconds to help me with processing memories. I had 100’s of fractals I had made, 3D designer projects and landscaping I had created. Also my SPORE progress was lost, I was on the last level and I really liked the world I had created there. 😦
Over the last few days I have avoided writing
I’ve not really been able to cope with sitting at my desk. I’ve just been doing stuff from my mobile and my netbook. I know how ridiculous this will sound to some people. Those who understand the difficulties Aspies/Auties have will totally understand where I am coming from. My computer is like a friend to me, now I’m having to work at getting to know it again. I don’t cope well with change and I’m really not good with loss.
I have been thinking a lot of a post I read about Lego
A LEGO Life by my Bloggy friend Richard at “Where Living Begins”
I read this post 2 days before my computer was returned and it made me really think about my life. It’s still making me think actually! The scripture Richard added was this…
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven:a time to break down, and a time to build up
(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3).
Richard’s post is excellent, I love how he sees God in the everyday things. This post helped me to start putting my pieces back together. I don’t know what I’m building yet, as always the instructions have not been included, so I’m making it up as I go along. It’s an exciting adventure though. I trust God with this, He always provides what I need. I might not understand His ways but I can lean on His promises and accept His unconditional love.
I started a blog for my collecting
I didn’t intend to tell anyone about it, it is just storage really. But last night one of my subscribers from Alienhippy accidently found it and subscribed. Those who know me REALLY well know that when things happen like this, I see God-incidences. My storage and collecting blog is like my Mom’s retro box full of bits n bobs. I don’t know half the time why I collect what I collect, but I like to be able to find things easily when my thoughts start making tangent jumps and pulling together parts and pieces to help me move forward. To help me understand who I am in time and space. To help me make sense of the past and it’s pains. To help me share my journey and whatever else I feel God wants me to share.
Here is the link
You can read more about this on my about pages.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂
Smears on my windows
Image from Google
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
I cleaned the windows today!
I know it’s SO interesting isn’t it? But before you run off I had a lot of thoughts while cleaning and a lot of clarity to what I have been feeling. So keep reading and I’ll share what I found helpful.
I really love to write
I know that my spelling isn’t great and I’m so grateful that God inspired someone to create spellcheck. Without spellcheck I wouldn’t have the confidence to blog. But even with spellcheck my spelling, punctuation and grammar are not the best. Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I struggle to feel accepted, you know how I fear rejection and also how my Aspergers and dyslexia cause visual loops and an inability to process or even understand at times.
Longing for communication and connection
I feel that everyone longs for connection, to feel loved and accepted for who they are. People on the spectrum are just the same, we may seem to shy away from friendships but that is because we are misread, misunderstood and we see things differently. We can’t always maintain eye contact because we can’t think/understand/process all that information at the same time. Some of us can speak and act really well, so well in fact we look like we fit. However we have this big aching void inside of us because who we really are is trapped and never allowed to be shown.
I am what is called high functioning and I have learned to conform. Only a very few people really know me, my bloggy friends know more about me than the people I see every day. Communication and connection comes easier for me through writing. Only my close family and one friend can cope with me in a meltdown. I have one friend I allow to see me when I am shutdown. I know she understands me, accepts me and loves me for who I am. I feel very blessed to have the family and friends I have.
So back to cleaning windows
My Aspie brain is very good at dictating a post while I’m busy. Cleaning windows is no exception. I’m quite fussy with windows, I wrote a poem about it once.
Here is the link for anyone wanting a giggle.
When I’m cleaning windows
Those who know me personally, know I could NEVER have an iPad or touchscreen mobile because I see every finger print and have to wipe it off. Finger prints and smears really do drive me mad, it seems they become my total focus. I wish I could change it I really do.
I was cleaning my bedroom windows and making sure I had no smears when I realised how focused I was on the glass and not seeing my cat on the fence looking at me. This reminded me of the time when I was in a religious sect and I was so focused on the scriptures, and making people see them as I did, that I didn’t see the people. I didn’t see their hurt, who they were or how they loved. We are all unique and how we love is unique too.
I was speaking with Mr Locoman about this
We talked about a railway group he knows. There are those who go because they have a deep passion for locomotives, and there are those who know a lot about locomotives. Then there are people who want to learn and people who want to share and those who want to feel part of something.
Each person has equal status but sometimes we can be so caught up in the fingerprints we forget to see through the glass.
I’m being abstract but I’m sure someone will understand me.
I cleaned the windows, hubby cleaned the car
I was driving *AJ and *DWKlymax to the gym this evening. It was dark and as I was driving I noticed a smear on my windscreen. For just a few seconds I stopped looking outwards and focused too much on the imperfection. A teenage girl wearing all black walked out into the road. I am so glad I didn’t focus on the smear for too long. I could have ploughed her down.
I know it’s not the same for everyone
For me though, my Bible can be like this. I believe that God’s word needs to be digested by each of His children in the way He gives to them. We are all created differently and we all hear God in the way He choses to reveal Himself to us and in us.
I learned the hard way not to use scripture to put my point across, who am I anyway, I’m just Lisa, we are all just a mist. If God uses me then I feel blessed by that. The scriptures I share on my blog and with friends are those that inspire me or those that have helped me. My opinion or my interpretation of scripture is for me, I share my ups and my downs. I share how God helps me, how He carries me through my dark times and dances with me in my joy.
That’s right, in my understanding
Our Heavenly Father is the bestest Happy-Dancer there is!
In the words of the song that’s looping in my head while I write this post,
“If you could see what I can see when I’m cleaning windows!”
For me I have to read, inwardly digest through prayer and then live life in His unconditional love. Accepting myself with all my imperfections and loving others for who they are. This is far more of a challenge for me than using scripture.
If I focus on Jesus, He will teach me to see through His eyes and He is the true word of God. I’m learning to see through windows in His way, in the time I have here, before the glorious time of being with Him.
Love and hugs friends.
Lisa. xx 🙂
I love this song, I know I have shared it before!
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends
Happiness in your life, image is a link to fb page.
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
I am thinking of writing a post, maybe later today, I already have the title. I’m waiting on God to help me find the right words. This could be a tricky one but as we all know the Alienhippy’s Blog is “A place where I can be me!” That’s my ups and my downs, I’m only human also I find that my Aspie way of seeing things is actually helpful when I am open and honest.
When I started this blog I didn’t intend for it to go in a Christian direction. But let’s face it my blog was a total accident and I never thought for a minute anyone would actually read anything I write. I know how much I babble and a lot of my babble is me going around in circles trying to find a way of explaining the loops in my head. I find it very hard sometimes to process and at Christmas there is so much change that processing is not something I have time to do.
The title of my post will be, “Have yourself a Merry little Meltdown!”… hehe, Eeek!
While I’m waiting to find the words
I thought I’d share this poem, I wrote it in November last year but as I have quite a few lovely new readers I would like to share this again.
I was reminded of this poem while reading a post over at Flappiness Is
Leigh’s sharing is so very inspiring.
Love and hugs my lovely friends.
Lisa. xx 🙂
As a child
by Alienhippy
As a child I would call to you, I knew you were always there
I had the words and a way to speak, I understood you’d always care
But as I grew the words got lost, the light then left my eyes
So at the floor I downward looked, I put on a masked disguise
˜
I tried so hard to live like this, to fit and not be seen
A daily battle to wear a smile, In my mind I still had the dream
That one day you’d come and sort me out, and make my life make sense
You’d take away the pain I carry, freeing me from feeling so tense
˜
So you called to me when I was hiding, by this time I didn’t even care
But you pursued and did not give up, knowing I’d meet you there
You took my hand and gently guided, you understood that I was weak
You walked the path and checked the way, giving me the heart to seek
˜
You showed me love when I was alone, and filled my life with hope
Explained the way that I’ve been made, you now teach me to cope
You are my friend you are my Lord, and Autism is part of me
You really love me “JUST AS I AM!” so now I can just be free
My Christmas thoughts, Gift of Prayer
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
Merry Christmas to all of you. I posted this on Christmas day last year.
I’m posting it again today because I believe this to be the greatest gift.
Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂
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The greatest gift you will ever receive,
Is knowing someone who prays for you.
John 3:16-21
New International Version (NIV1984)
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”
I DON’T like the word “Obsessive”
Image from Google
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
Look at the word Obsession
(World English Dictionary)
obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)
1. psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness
2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling
3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed
I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS WORD!
It’s probably just me and my past, but it just seems that sometimes when it is said to me it makes me feel all icky inside, icky and wrong.
I read a quote this morning on a fb pages
I can’t remember which one now but the words stuck in my head. I also read one of the responses to the quote and it made me think how important it is to see who we are in Christ. To try hard to see who God sees in us. Not how we view ourselves, or how those in our lives make us feel about ourselves. This is a very hard balance to find. I believe it can only really be obtained through relationship with God, over time, with maturity. It’s the mark we will always keep missing. God’s love is unconditional we can rest in the blessed assurance of our precious Saviour.
This is what I wrote down, it is what I pondered on and later what I prayed about.
It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.
We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…
All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
Not knowing why I’m different has caused scars
“We see it as we are…” If you grow up never feeling you belong the world can feel pretty hostile. I learned to see beauty in nature, animals, children, interests, songs and objects. I have always shied away from people and close friendships. I only put myself with groups of people when I knew I could cope. I have learned now to pick these groups very carefully after many bad experiences.
Being an Aspie is a blessing
I don’t always see this so I am writing it down today. I need to be able to remind myself the next time I have been totally overloaded and had to shutdown completely. I see things differently because my brain is wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
People say that Auties/Aspies are obsessive
It may seem this way if that’s what you see, but I want to change that word to passionate.
Obsessive is a negative word in my head it makes me feel that I am wrong, strange, weird, freaky.
I can be very focused, I see things in great detail. If I am interested and care about something or someone I am very loyal, dedicated to that. I very often will miss other things going on that are not interesting to me. In my life I have been made to feel bad for being me, I have been made to feel stupid because I have missed things. To feel I’m a nuisance because I need to communicate in my way.
for instance…
I loved my fish tank as a child, I would sit, focus and learn everything I could about my fishes and my aquarium. Fishes have always been positive in my life and helped me feel happy. While all the girls my age, were watching the Live Aid concert. I was cleaning out my aquarium and listening to it, I had new plants and I created a new environment for my fish. I was totally happy doing this and remember it so very well. When meeting up with these “friends” I didn’t know much about what had happened in Live Aid, I only heard the music. I listened to them all talking and was afraid to say I didn’t watch it, I only listened. I knew how they would all react. I would have been 16 years old and I knew my ways seemed odd to most people.
Now look at the word passion
Passion (from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω (paskho) meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.
The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject, idea, person, or object. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.
Those who know and love Aspies/Auties
I believe you too will see this, we can’t control our happy-dance, our smiles, our clapping, our over excitement. I believe those who love and accept see how we focus and watch how we learn. I believe you can also see how we shutdown out of hurt, fear, rejection and an intense feeling of overwhelming wrongness that we can’t process.
So you too see through Aspie eyes!
Passion is what I feel towards what I am interested in
I am passionate about my family and as a Mom to understand my kids and be the best I can be for them. I am passionate about my relationship with God and finding His calling in my life. I love my blogs and I get a lot of positive experience from writing.
“Obsessive” seems….I don’t know.
I just know that to me it makes me feel like I’m bad in some way.
I used an apple to describe my brain today
That’s right I had to explain how I think to someone today.
Any other adult Aspie who can relate to this??? 🙂
I couldn’t use words and I needed something to hold and look at to explain myself. I got two apples out of the fruit bowl and explained what I understand in my way because I hate it when people tell me I am obsessive and they say it in a way that sounds so negative.
Two Apples, this one is Autistic and this one NT…..LOL
Passionate sounds so much better! (Don’t you think?)
What I am passionate about is always at the forefront of my mind, I can’t change that, my brain has ALWAYS been like that. It’s what I call my lovely loop, it’s a very positive loop for me that gives me joy and happiness. It helps me to feel I belong and gives me energy, motivation and confidence. My special interests are part of this loop. When I can feel good about this loop I can feel good about me and then functioning in a normal day and being around people is NOT at all hard.
When I’m made to feel negative about this loop THEN it becomes obsessive because I am trying so desperately not to feel rejected/isolated/defective. I can’t switch off what I love to do, what I like to think about. I can’t switch off thinking about those I love and ways I can help them. My brain is always puzzling these things out, always communicating with itself and because I have a faith my brain automatically will pray too. I can’t stop how my brain works, I can however let it loop, allow it to feed me positive energy and use that energy to help me in daily life. I can enjoy the visual overlays that inspire me in my days, the reruns and the imaginary conversations. As a child I couldn’t control this and I couldn’t understand why the things I loved to do where taken from me. Why I felt so alone or why I felt so stupid when given something to do that had NO interest to me what.so.ever. My interests are what taught me to eventually learn to read, no one had given me a book I was interested in, so why would I want to read. My passion for learning the truth about Jesus taught me to read.
Having kids, responsibilities and routines helps
I am able to plan and put slots in my day. One thing I enjoy is finding quotes in my coffee quote time. I love to write and paint, sing and play my guitar. I love spending time with my kids and my dogs. I also love spending time with those who love and accept me. I am finding me again. The person God created me to be in all my Aspieness and also in His image.
So after pointing at the front of an apple
Explaining, the best way I could, what my brain works like and how I have had to fake who I am most of my life to avoid ridicule and social rejection. I then spoke on how I have embraced my Aspieness after hiding who I am for nearly 40 years. I am not the person that bends over backwards trying to please everyone just to keep friends anymore. Today when someone I love said to me, “Lisa, hand on heart, you have to admit you are not the easiest person to have to cope with!”
I know this person meant well, I know this person totally loves me. My real self has come as a shock to this person who has only known me imitating my Mom. Not the me who had no close friends and no one who could relate to me. This person only saw what I allowed to be seen.
I thought about the words I wrote down this morning.
It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.
We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…
All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
I know God created me to be me. So I will listen to Him.
I’m not obsessive, I’m passionate about who God created me to be.
1 Corinthians 13:12
The Message (MSG)
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
ASD’s…getting a photo with Santa (memories)
My little *AJ
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends.
Yep that is my *AJ when he was two years old, back in 1995. My little boy grew up too quickly. Santa had to hold him in place for this photo and let him unwrap his gift as a distraction. He burst into tears just seconds after this photo was taken. He didn’t like to be more than 6ft away from Mommy for too long, at any time. I ended up with a bad back from carrying him all around the shopping centre because he screamed his head off every time I tried to put him down. I put my Christmas shopping in his buggy, I place him on my hip and just got on with it. Like we ASD Mom’s do!
I remember the looks I used to get.
I didn’t have a clue why my baby boy would scream so much. I didn’t know about ASD. I didn’t know about Sensory difficulties. I so remember how hard it was and no one really understanding how he could flip so quickly. Quiet little intense puzzle solver to exploding, screaming, sobbing little mess in no time for what seemed no reason. I just knew how to protect him, I knew inside me what was making him hurt. I knew he wasn’t nasty or naughty just confused and needing to feel safe. I remember him kicking out, hitting, biting, scratching and the screaming was so very loud.
I was blaming myself and my situation at this time
*AJ’s Daddy had left us and we were homeless and living each day as it came. I knew I was different but I didn’t know why. My Mom was putting a roof over our head, so were a few other kind people. We lived like this for 12 months, mainly in my car because fitting in with everyone else’s rules and routines was very hard for me. I had had my own home since I was eighteen years old, I had particular ways of doing things and at this point my OCD and cleaning disorder was at a peak. I thought (certain “not.so.nice” people had told me) that I was a bad Mom, that I needed to discipline him and that I was too over protective. They saw him as naughty, I saw him as my baby struggling to understand. Getting so much unwanted negative advice, being told he was out of control, also the looks, smirks, comments behind my back. People can be so VERY damaging, so VERY ignorant, so VERY opinionated AND SO VERY WRONG!
Even though I heard all of this negative I never let it affect who I am as a Mom. My Mom did her best and taught me her loving and accepting ways. She didn’t know either that her three kids were on the spectrum, no one knew back then what that even meant. “Aspergers” my Mom would have thought Aspergers was a root vegetable, or some kind of salad stuff. She just loved us for who we were, her babies.
I learned to imitate my NT Mom so I could fit.
I still wear her beautiful mask every day to fit in with society. But I am 100% JUST like my Mom when it comes to loving my kids, I don’t have to wear a mask it comes naturally, it’s who I am. NO ONE has ever made me doubt that bond. I know deep down in my heart that God gave me my kids because He knew I would love them more than my life and I would willingly give my life to protect them.
To all those negative ninny-types.
YOU…Didn’t change who I am as a Mom. My boy has grown up and learned how to cope with this world and it’s ways. I taught him the best I could, I listened to who I am as his Mom and I dug my heels in. You saw what you wanted to see. WELL SHAME ON YOU! You missed so much by just choosing to be a judge, to be ignorant. I chose for your types not to be part of my children’s hearts. Your ways were explained to them and I prayed for you to see in a new light. You hurt me in how you treated me, but you didn’t stop me from being who I am created to be as a Mom. I am so very proud of both of my kids, I am also proud of myself for getting this far with very little support or knowledge.
I believe that every loving, accepting parent has in them the ability to read their child and know exactly what is best for them.
I put this photo up every year.
It’s the only one I have of my little *AJ with Santa because he was so scared of him, I know why now!
This was taken the year we were homeless. I put it up every year to remind me of those times and to be grateful to God that He gave me the faith, hope, love, strength and courage to get through it.
God is so good!
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Merry Christmas to all my bloggy friends.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂
A bunch of Matildas in a Wormwood World
Image from Google
Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,
My little *CAL gave me the idea for the title of this post. She LOVES Roald Dahl and Matilda is her current favourite film to have on repeat. I have lost count, it has been on everyday for about 5 weeks now. Mr Locoman just gave me this information, I have actually learned the art of blocking. I’m very good at it actually. I first learned it at school when the teachers were boring me to death, I couldn’t read remember and most of the time I was completely oblivious. Oh hang on a minute he just shouted from the kitchen, she had a break of 3 days in the middle. You’re getting the picture though…right? 🙂
I REALLY don’t know why she LOVES it so much
But saying that, no one else seems to understand my love for The Time Machine 2002. I just know that when I’m needing to take a break from headmess, my loops and all the jumble of overload I can lose myself in that film. My mind seems to slow down and piece things together better and my body doesn’t feel it needs to react in any way. I have always had a fascination for time travel, I do think it is to do with time being so confusing to me. How when I’m stuck in flow activities and daydreams time and people problems just disappear, or if I’m stuck in a frantic thought loop time seems to last for an eternity.
Anyway I’m going off on a tangent here.
My little *CAL asked me why people say nasty things.
We were walking and chatting, there were other people with their children around and I hadn’t realised that *CAL was listening to a parent saying the most horrible and negative things to their young son. *CAL was quite upset by this and said to me, “Mom, why are most people like the Wormwoods? I sometimes feel like a Matilda in a world of Wormwoods and Miss Trunchballs.”
My little girl is very literal
She is also very quiet, she only really opens up when she feels extremely safe. She is 11 now and she has learned to wear the mask of society quite well. However not well enough to not be noticed occasionally by those who choose to point out her differences, the little quirks she has that show she is on the spectrum. She is starting to know who she can be herself with and who she has to pretend around. It breaks my heart to know that both my kids have to do this. How I have had to imitate my lovely NT Mom, learn to fit in to be accepted by most people, my kids have to do the same.
The mask is only for those who don’t love and accept us though.
In our home we can all be a bunch of Matildas. We might not have the magical gifts that Matilda was able to tap into by using the negativity around her as mental energy to move objects.
But we have the gift of each other, the gift of love and the gift of close family and close friends. We can also use the negative that is around us and turn it upside down to help those who need to know what it is like living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you like… Autism is our Matilda gift.
We also believe, hope and wait….
Because yes….there are plenty of loving, accepting Miss Honeys in this Wormwood world. I’m teaching my kids to look out for them. I prayed for nearly 40 years and there were times I gave up. The Wormwoods got to me, the Trunchbulls squashed me. But there is a difference!
I grew up not knowing I was on the spectrum
I slipped through the cracks and just thought I was odd, weird, wrong and thick…an alien.
Finding out I had Dyslexia was a massive eye opener. But hearing the word Aspergers Syndrome for the first time was the piece of the puzzle I needed to start putting me back together.
My kids know they are wired differently and they are finding who they are as Wonderfully Wired and unique creations.
My dyslexia I choose to see as a gift
It helps me to control the amount of input going into my brain and I believe stops me from overloading as much as most Aspies do.
Without it I would have read CORRECTLY what I was doing and never accidently started a blog.
Without my blog I would never have met all the wonderful Matildas and Miss Honeys that are now my Bloggy friends.
I’m also pretty sure that a lot of those Wormwoods are just wearing masks too, hiding their own insecurities from a bunch of Trunchbulls.
Love and hugs everyone.
Lisa. xx 🙂
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