Hello my lovely Bloggy friends.
Yep that is my *AJ when he was two years old, back in 1995. My little boy grew up too quickly. Santa had to hold him in place for this photo and let him unwrap his gift as a distraction. He burst into tears just seconds after this photo was taken. He didn’t like to be more than 6ft away from Mommy for too long, at any time. I ended up with a bad back from carrying him all around the shopping centre because he screamed his head off every time I tried to put him down. I put my Christmas shopping in his buggy, I place him on my hip and just got on with it. Like we ASD Mom’s do!
I remember the looks I used to get.
I didn’t have a clue why my baby boy would scream so much. I didn’t know about ASD. I didn’t know about Sensory difficulties. I so remember how hard it was and no one really understanding how he could flip so quickly. Quiet little intense puzzle solver to exploding, screaming, sobbing little mess in no time for what seemed no reason. I just knew how to protect him, I knew inside me what was making him hurt. I knew he wasn’t nasty or naughty just confused and needing to feel safe. I remember him kicking out, hitting, biting, scratching and the screaming was so very loud.
I was blaming myself and my situation at this time
*AJ’s Daddy had left us and we were homeless and living each day as it came. I knew I was different but I didn’t know why. My Mom was putting a roof over our head, so were a few other kind people. We lived like this for 12 months, mainly in my car because fitting in with everyone else’s rules and routines was very hard for me. I had had my own home since I was eighteen years old, I had particular ways of doing things and at this point my OCD and cleaning disorder was at a peak. I thought (certain “not.so.nice” people had told me) that I was a bad Mom, that I needed to discipline him and that I was too over protective. They saw him as naughty, I saw him as my baby struggling to understand. Getting so much unwanted negative advice, being told he was out of control, also the looks, smirks, comments behind my back. People can be so VERY damaging, so VERY ignorant, so VERY opinionated AND SO VERY WRONG!
Even though I heard all of this negative I never let it affect who I am as a Mom. My Mom did her best and taught me her loving and accepting ways. She didn’t know either that her three kids were on the spectrum, no one knew back then what that even meant. “Aspergers” my Mom would have thought Aspergers was a root vegetable, or some kind of salad stuff. She just loved us for who we were, her babies.
I learned to imitate my NT Mom so I could fit.
I still wear her beautiful mask every day to fit in with society. But I am 100% JUST like my Mom when it comes to loving my kids, I don’t have to wear a mask it comes naturally, it’s who I am. NO ONE has ever made me doubt that bond. I know deep down in my heart that God gave me my kids because He knew I would love them more than my life and I would willingly give my life to protect them.
To all those negative ninny-types.
YOU…Didn’t change who I am as a Mom. My boy has grown up and learned how to cope with this world and it’s ways. I taught him the best I could, I listened to who I am as his Mom and I dug my heels in. You saw what you wanted to see. WELL SHAME ON YOU! You missed so much by just choosing to be a judge, to be ignorant. I chose for your types not to be part of my children’s hearts. Your ways were explained to them and I prayed for you to see in a new light. You hurt me in how you treated me, but you didn’t stop me from being who I am created to be as a Mom. I am so very proud of both of my kids, I am also proud of myself for getting this far with very little support or knowledge.
I believe that every loving, accepting parent has in them the ability to read their child and know exactly what is best for them.
I put this photo up every year.
It’s the only one I have of my little *AJ with Santa because he was so scared of him, I know why now!
This was taken the year we were homeless. I put it up every year to remind me of those times and to be grateful to God that He gave me the faith, hope, love, strength and courage to get through it.
God is so good!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Merry Christmas to all my bloggy friends.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂