ASD’s…getting a photo with Santa (memories)

My little *AJ

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends.

Yep that is my *AJ when he was two years old, back in 1995. My little boy grew up too quickly. Santa had to hold him in place for this photo and let him unwrap his gift as a distraction. He burst into tears just seconds after this photo was taken. He didn’t like to be more than 6ft away from Mommy for too long, at any time. I ended up with a bad back from carrying him all around the shopping centre because he screamed his head off every time I tried to put him down. I put my Christmas shopping in his buggy, I place him on my hip and just got on with it. Like we ASD Mom’s do!

I remember the looks I used to get.

I didn’t have a clue why my baby boy would scream so much. I didn’t know about ASD. I didn’t know about Sensory difficulties. I so remember how hard it was and no one really understanding how he could flip so quickly. Quiet little intense puzzle solver to exploding, screaming, sobbing little mess in no time for what seemed no reason. I just knew how to protect him, I knew inside me what was making him hurt. I knew he wasn’t nasty or naughty just confused and needing to feel safe. I remember him kicking out, hitting, biting, scratching and the screaming was so very loud.

I was blaming myself and my situation at this time

*AJ’s Daddy had left us and we were homeless and living each day as it came. I knew I was different but I didn’t know why. My Mom was putting a roof over our head, so were a few other kind people. We lived like this for 12 months, mainly in my car because fitting in with everyone else’s rules and routines was very hard for me. I had had my own home since I was eighteen years old, I had particular ways of doing things and at this point my OCD and cleaning disorder was at a peak. I thought (certain “” people had told me) that I was a bad Mom, that I needed to discipline him and that I was too over protective. They saw him as naughty, I saw him as my baby struggling to understand. Getting so much unwanted negative advice, being told he was out of control, also the looks, smirks, comments behind my back. People can be so VERY damaging, so VERY ignorant, so VERY opinionated AND SO VERY WRONG!

Even though I heard all of this negative I never let it affect who I am as a Mom. My Mom did her best and taught me her loving and accepting ways. She didn’t know either that her three kids were on the spectrum, no one knew back then what that even meant. “Aspergers” my Mom would have thought Aspergers was a root vegetable, or some kind of salad stuff. She just loved us for who we were, her babies.

I learned to imitate my NT Mom so I could fit.

I still wear her beautiful mask every day to fit in with society. But I am 100% JUST like my Mom when it comes to loving my kids, I don’t have to wear a mask it comes naturally, it’s who I am. NO ONE has ever made me doubt that bond. I know deep down in my heart that God gave me my kids because He knew I would love them more than my life and I would willingly give my life to protect them.

To all those negative ninny-types.

YOU…Didn’t change who I am as a Mom. My boy has grown up and learned how to cope with this world and it’s ways. I taught him the best I could, I listened to who I am as his Mom and I dug my heels in. You saw what you wanted to see. WELL SHAME ON YOU! You missed so much by just choosing to be a judge, to be ignorant. I chose for your types not to be part of my children’s hearts. Your ways were explained to them and I prayed for you to see in a new light. You hurt me in how you treated me, but you didn’t stop me from being who I am created to be as a Mom. I am so very proud of both of my kids, I am also proud of myself for getting this far with very little support or knowledge.

I believe that every loving, accepting parent has in them the ability to read their child and know exactly what is best for them.

I put this photo up every year.

It’s the only one I have of my little *AJ with Santa because he was so scared of him, I know why now!

This was taken the year we were homeless. I put it up every year to remind me of those times and to be grateful to God that He gave me the faith, hope, love, strength and courage to get through it.

God is so good!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, β€œplans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Merry Christmas to all my bloggy friends.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx πŸ™‚


13 thoughts on “ASD’s…getting a photo with Santa (memories)

    • Hello my lovely Fi,
      YOU ARE an awesome Mum too!!
      He’s very cute isn’t he Fi? I KNEW you would love this photo!
      You love him as big *AJ too and he knows it!
      Love you my precious friend.
      Lees. xxxx πŸ™‚

  1. Lisa you are one of the most dedicated and strongest mothers there is .
    I’ve experienced seeing and hearing children screaming in public places.
    I took it that they were bored and tired ,not spoiled brats like most people think .
    Now since I see it differently ,my reasons for it ,
    are not always the cause of their up sets .
    thanks for the great post

    • Thanks Eileen, your comment means a lot.
      Autism Awareness needs to be shared.
      I can spot the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown because I have both.
      Only because of learning about my traits have I been able to recognise the difference.
      I learned to internalise and beat myself up.
      Now I will not do that if I recognise it.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

    • Hello lovely Tilly,
      You know what Tilly, after experiencing *AJ’s meltdowns, *CAL seemed so easy to cope with.
      But watching her internalise everything, now she is older, is so hard.
      Trying to get her to let it out rather than bottle it up is painful for me.
      When she flipped out on the school trip to the cinema (because of sensory difficulties) it was just what was needed for the teachers to actually sit up and pay attention. Still no statement though because she doesn’t slow down the class. She copes fine academically so the school doesn’t require a statement.
      If only teachers would come and spend a day at home.
      Oh well, life goes on and I’m doing my best. My little girl will get what she needs even if i have to do it all myself. I live for the school holidays when she is herself and not switched off every morning.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  2. Still laughing about root vegetables. lol I was SO dreading Santa this year. By some miracle, he didn’t scream and even sat on Mrs. Claus’ lap. It was a good day. πŸ™‚

    • Hello lovely Leigh,
      So glad you managed a Santa visit without the screaming, that is so good to hear.
      Root vegetables….yep, that was my Mommy, she made me giggle. You would have loved her.
      She raised 3 Aspie kids, coped with an Autistic hubby and didn’t have a clue we were anything but ourselves. Unconditional love, and a relationship with Jesus was what she lived by. Her last words to us were. “Find Jesus and love one another!”
      I’m Aspie and what my Mom taught me is in my heart and always will be.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Lisa. xx πŸ™‚

  3. I’m going to be honest here. I think it takes great courage and strength of character to be a Mother. There is no manual and it is true that genuine Mothers instinctively know their Children’s needs. We are all different and we are living in a world where the masses are expected to be the same to be accepted in society, anything outside of that is not understood through peoples ignorance. You and your little Sis and your Brother are all wonderful Parents. Love you xxxx

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