Can you spare Nine minutes and fifty six seconds?

If so I promise this time will not disappoint you. It will captivate and show in a new light what we all so easily take for granted. I watched this video early this morning and I was in awe of its beauty, humbled by the words spoken and brought to tears at all I miss.

Gratitude for each day and seeing the gift that is life

I felt so overwhelmed by my own humanity, totally humbled by my own shallowness and so grateful for the gift of grace. This video really moved me and helped me to know I need and want to open my eyes. I need and want to be more grateful for each day. I need and want to seek deeper than surface.

Our only response is gratitude when we look at each day as our first and our last, our alpha and omega. This video is so very inspiring with such beautiful words and images.

Thank you Angel for sharing it.

No more words from me. Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My lovely friend Angel sent me this video yesterday, I just had to share it!

Septic river of religious!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

This post is more of a healing process than anything else. Please read the following message, I found this while on fb yesterday and it really spoke to my heart.

Spiritual Warrior

A good mentor will affirm in public, and correct in private. Your goal should be to help, not hurt. When you rebuke someone in public you humiliate them, destroying their self-esteem. But when you affirm them in public you build their self-esteem and confidence. Of course, your praise should be genuine, not just empty words. By affirming sincerely and publicly, you plant the seeds of growth and greatness in the learner. God has called each of us to run our race and finish it successfully. God has also called us to keep the torch lit and hand it over to the next runner. Don’t merely be satisfied with doing the job; make sure the job keeps getting done by teaching or coaching someone else.

♥ Love & Light Always! ♥

It’s been over twelve years now

But still the septic river of my own religiousness can cause me to freeze.

Today I was in my local supermarket, a lady my age looked straight at me and smiled, nodded in recognition and walked past me. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but in a supermarket I am totally disorientated (How loving is our Heavenly Father) If I would have recognised her I would have been a complete mess.

It took me a while and prayer

Then a visual replay of how I knew this lovely lady.

I was already putting my groceries on the conveyor belt when it hit me how I knew her. She only had a basket and went through very quickly on a self-serve till, I so desperately wanted to talk to her but couldn’t.

My replay went like this…

I’m standing with a group of 4 women, all above me in leadership and I am being challenged and rebuked because of my failure to submit to their leadership. This is backed up by scripture with a slant. It is happening in a public place and I’m aware of others listening, I just take it and feel a total wretch. I didn’t know at this time how harmful scripture can be when used to make a person into a mould of Christianity that has been invented by mankind.

Now I’ll tell you who the lady was

She was a young single Mom that was placed in my group. I had 10 Moms altogether and at the time they were like an extension of my family. I loved them and I loved their kids too. I was in a religious sect and my whole life was centred on being part of what I thought was the only true church.

I wasn’t the one who had “studied the Bible” with her.

She was moved to my group because I had lived the single mom life and could relate to her. Also she lived close to me and we had gone to the same school. We became friends and we did things together with our kids. Her daughter was the same age as my *AJ and there was a lovely little park close to her house where we’d go and chat while the kids played.

She was a confident young mom, who had been through a lot and had gained a sense of protection for herself, her daughter and her home. I was given a set of studies to follow with her, I knew her situation and felt the study was not kind or loving. I refused to hurt her with this manipulation so my group was taken away from me. I’ll reword that, my friends, my sisters in Christ and all the children I loved spending time with were taken away from me.

Those who have lived this life know how close you become and know the pain of this. There is a kind of shunning that goes on in these types of fellowships when you choose to think for yourself.

After I left the sect

I phoned this lady and apologised for anything I may have done or said that may have hurt her. She told me I had never been anything but a friend and she knew how I had been treated. She thanked me for not doing that study with her and told me she no longer went along to this particular church.

God is LOVE; religion is man putting God in a box.

The truth is in the 4 years I was in this sect I was present in that many studies I can’t remember a lot of the women. I can’t remember the things I may have said. I do remember a lot of times feeling I should have spoken up, but out of respect and submission to my elders and leaders (actually it wasn’t respect or submission it was fear) I didn’t speak up. I do remember going home and crying a lot in prayer for the women whose stories were so painful. Their hurt and loneliness, stories of rejection and abuse were SO VERY painful.

I called this post “Septic river of religious!”

I wrote a post not long ago explaining why I had put certain words on hold for approval. I had many comments go into my spam box. I was accused of many things for choosing to do this. The one thing that hurt me and caused me to fear writing. Fear being part of this community here in Bloggyland was a comment that said I was supressing God’s word by not teaching the truth.

Words are powerful they build up and tear down.

I only share what I have lived or what I am going through. I have never claimed to teach or preach. I’m just a Mom trying to find my way sharing my ups and downs. I love God and enjoy sharing my journey, I love meeting others on a similar journey and finding new friends.

I don’t believe that I supress scripture, I just don’t want to misquote or cause harm/hurt by using it to make others believe in the way I do. God gives free will.

But so I can help myself and feel I can write again

Here is the Bible online for anyone who wants to go and have a read.

I love to write it’s my outlet it’s my best way of communicating. It brings me friendship and conversation; it also helps me to process all the thoughts I have in my Wonderfully Wired Aspie brain. It has taken a long time for me to process this but I believe that being made to fear something that God has given is NOT kind or loving so can’t really be from God.

I read some of Revelation today what really helped me was this verse.

Revelation 22:1

The River of Life

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

Having a visual of fresh flowing life to the full.


Smears on my windows

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I cleaned the windows today!

I know it’s SO interesting isn’t it? But before you run off I had a lot of thoughts while cleaning and a lot of clarity to what I have been feeling. So keep reading and I’ll share what I found helpful.

I really love to write

I know that my spelling isn’t great and I’m so grateful that God inspired someone to create spellcheck. Without spellcheck I wouldn’t have the confidence to blog. But even with spellcheck my spelling, punctuation and grammar are not the best. Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I struggle to feel accepted, you know how I fear rejection and also how my Aspergers and dyslexia cause visual loops and an inability to process or even understand at times.

Longing for communication and connection

I feel that everyone longs for connection, to feel loved and accepted for who they are. People on the spectrum are just the same, we may seem to shy away from friendships but that is because we are misread, misunderstood and we see things differently. We can’t always maintain eye contact because we can’t think/understand/process all that information at the same time. Some of us can speak and act really well, so well in fact we look like we fit. However we have this big aching void inside of us because who we really are is trapped and never allowed to be shown.

I am what is called high functioning and I have learned to conform. Only a very few people really know me, my bloggy friends know more about me than the people I see every day. Communication and connection comes easier for me through writing. Only my close family and one friend can cope with me in a meltdown. I have one friend I allow to see me when I am shutdown. I know she understands me, accepts me and loves me for who I am. I feel very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

So back to cleaning windows

My Aspie brain is very good at dictating a post while I’m busy. Cleaning windows is no exception. I’m quite fussy with windows, I wrote a poem about it once.

Here is the link for anyone wanting a giggle.

When I’m cleaning windows

Those who know me personally, know I could NEVER have an iPad or touchscreen mobile because I see every finger print and have to wipe it off. Finger prints and smears really do drive me mad, it seems they become my total focus. I wish I could change it I really do.

I was cleaning my bedroom windows and making sure I had no smears when I realised how focused I was on the glass and not seeing my cat on the fence looking at me. This reminded me of the time when I was in a religious sect and I was so focused on the scriptures, and making people see them as I did, that I didn’t see the people. I didn’t see their hurt, who they were or how they loved. We are all unique and how we love is unique too.

I was speaking with Mr Locoman about this

We talked about a railway group he knows. There are those who go because they have a deep passion for locomotives, and there are those who know a lot about locomotives. Then there are people who want to learn and people who want to share and those who want to feel part of something.

Each person has equal status but sometimes we can be so caught up in the fingerprints we forget to see through the glass.

I’m being abstract but I’m sure someone will understand me.

I cleaned the windows, hubby cleaned the car

I was driving *AJ and *DWKlymax to the gym this evening. It was dark and as I was driving I noticed a smear on my windscreen. For just a few seconds I stopped looking outwards and focused too much on the imperfection. A teenage girl wearing all black walked out into the road. I am so glad I didn’t focus on the smear for too long. I could have ploughed her down.

I know it’s not the same for everyone

For me though, my Bible can be like this. I believe that God’s word needs to be digested by each of His children in the way He gives to them. We are all created differently and we all hear God in the way He choses to reveal Himself to us and in us.

I learned the hard way not to use scripture to put my point across, who am I anyway, I’m just Lisa, we are all just a mist. If God uses me then I feel blessed by that. The scriptures I share on my blog and with friends are those that inspire me or those that have helped me. My opinion or my interpretation of scripture is for me, I share my ups and my downs. I share how God helps me, how He carries me through my dark times and dances with me in my joy.

That’s right, in my understanding

Our Heavenly Father is the bestest Happy-Dancer there is!

In the words of the song that’s looping in my head while I write this post,

“If you could see what I can see when I’m cleaning windows!”

For me I have to read, inwardly digest through prayer and then live life in His unconditional love. Accepting myself with all my imperfections and loving others for who they are. This is far more of a challenge for me than using scripture.

If I focus on Jesus, He will teach me to see through His eyes and He is the true word of God. I’m learning to see through windows in His way, in the time I have here, before the glorious time of being with Him.

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I love this song, I know I have shared it before!

Christmas…what are you about? (My Aspie brothers perspective)

Hello my lovely bloggy friends

This post is a letter about Christmas that I received from my brother the year our Mom died. My brother is Autistic and cannot communicate well with spoken words. He stutters a lot and tends to swear to fit in with those who accept him in society. But I know his heart, and that is not who he really is, it’s the mask he wears.

I keep this letter tucked in the cover of my Bible. I don’t know where he found these thoughts, he may have copied them from a book, but he also does tend to write his own thoughts down and then screws them up, throws them away. He has a very low opinion of himself and calls himself all the names that others have spoken on him. But I know my brother and he is amazing. This letter means the world to me, because he took the time to write it when he knew I was hurting.


The True and Real meaning of Christmas

The True Heart of Christmas

Sometimes it’s hard to think about Christmas when the world seems to be going mad. War in Iraq and Ivory Coast they call it “unrest” in Sudan, Africa, Burma and Indonesia. We don’t hear too much about it in the news. Everywhere there is war, violence and hate.

It would be tempting

to think of Christmas as an alternative to the mad, mad world. Carol singing, glowing fires and Christmas trees, presents, sweets and classic films on TV all seem like a magical alternative to the harsh realities of the world. At this time of year it becomes very tempting to avoid the horrors of the news as we wrap ourselves up by the fire with a glass of something nice.

It would be tempting too

to see the Christmas story as an alternative to the reality of the world. There’s the crib, the fluffy animals, the gentle shepherds, the Angels and the three wise men to think on after all.

But the Christmas story is NOT an alternative to the harsh realities of the world: it is “ABOUT” the harsh realities of the world and how God chose to place Himself right at the heart of them. Baby Jesus was born to an unmarried mother in the back of a pub. They were visited by social and religious outcasts and it’s unlikely the animals were fluffy. Almost immediately they found themselves to be asylum seekers, fleeing to Egypt to escape Herod’s violence. And the innocent baby was eventually executed as a criminal, His followers leaving Him to die among thieves.

The Christmas story is about reality, blood and guts, of birth, poverty, war, asylum and violence. And as such, it is still  relevant today as it ever was. That God chose to be among us, live as one of us, live among the poorest and die among criminals, IS THE TRUE HEART OF CHRISTMAS. This is what Christmas is truly about:

“Emmanuel” = God with us.

That God is with us, among the poor, victims of violence, the anxious and the “grieving.” God is with us in our ordinary daily lives as well as our magical moments. God is with us when we find ourselves in trouble as well as when we are joyful. God is with us in the heart of the horrors of the world, as well as in the happy smiles. Loving us and “weeping with us.” This is the REAL Christmas.

May you know God is with you this Christmas – not just in the tinsel wrapped, turkey flavoured festive season, but in the real world and in the realities of your/our real lives.

God is with us because we allowed Him in.

Personal ending from my brother (Can be read on the image)












Out of the mouths of babes.

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Out of the mouths of babes originates from,

“From the lips of children and infants”

(Psalm 8:2 also Matthew 21:16)

So yep…I’m doing Bible babble again and life application of it. Feel free to click off if you can’t handle it, I happen to love God and feel a need to share that in a real, open and honest way. It’s a big part of who I am and has to be added for my blog to be “A place where I can be me!”

I have had a head ache and sore eyes all day today

Which has turned out to be a good thing. Cutting down on the amount of sound and light, not using the computer or watching the TV. Also resting and being still has given me the time I needed without distraction to pray and ponder on my many, many, many looping thoughts.

I have had SO much going on in the last few days

On top of everything, I have been putting off writing posts on topics that are very close to my heart. I have been doing this to distract myself so I don’t go on a down, hit my pit, shutdown completely. But as a line from one of my own poems says…

Don’t fight fear, emotions are your teacher

As you ride along on life’s rollercoaster

So, I have compiled a list of post titles and I am going to pray about this and write what is in me to write. My Aspie history could be helpful to someone.

The good, the bad and the ugly all things happen for a reason and with God I can turn that negativity upside down. Writing is therapeutic for me and it helps me to move forward. I will add my list of titles to the end of this post.

I had to give up my job not too long ago

I haven’t written much about why, but it was Aspie related and as I do appear “normal” (42 years of conformity and learning to be a good actress) a lot of people in my life cannot understand why I had to leave a job I loved. This has put pressure on us financially.

Oh dear…that’s uncomfortable isn’t it?

No money this close to Christmas!!

And that barmy blogger is talking about it!

Shhhh…’re supposed to be British…LOL

Sorry…I can be so very naughty, it’s just how I feel a lot of the time!

I was reading some of my old posts about Christmas

I had a big giggle reading through them and I am so glad I wrote them. It helped me to understand something about myself that I hadn’t realised. Christmas has always been a big thing for me, not just because I’m a Christian but also I love the childlike qualities. The fairy lights and magic that builds up. The smiles on my kids faces on Christmas morning when they see all their gifts, they have had some WONDERFUL Christmases.

“Are you all ready for Christmas?”

How many times are you asked this in a day? I know it’s just people being polite and it’s a bit like the question, “How are you?” that everyone asks but doesn’t really want an answer to. BUT….as an Aspie these questions answer themselves in my head and sometimes my thoughts can come out my mouth.

Most British people tend not to cope with open honesty

I can only speak for what I have experienced but there has never been anyone who can cope with who I am. I don’t blame them I tend to be extremely intense with things I am interested in and extremely aloof with everything else. 🙂

Sometimes a kind stranger will turn up just at the right time

I had a strange experience the other day, not long after writing a very emotional letter to God.

A teenage girl knocked at my door selling Christmas plants, she was about the same age as my *AJ. I was instantly drawn to her for some reason and we spoke for about 10 minutes on my doorstep. She was wearing very dark clothing and very artistically applied make-up, on appearance not someone most people would feel comfortable with.

It was like the time I saw an old guy in the Church garden. I was alone sat crying and he appeared, kindly asked if he could sit down on the garden bench. He then spoke with me some very wise words and then said good bye and walked off.

A stranger that spoke kindly when I was alone and feeling confused and isolated.

This young woman was very wise for her age

She had beautiful Christmas plants and told me she had lost her job and needed money for Christmas. Usually when it is dark and Mr Locoman is not home I ignore answering my door, but she almost hammered it down. I don’t know why but I told her that I had no money, that I would love to buy one of her plants if only I could. Then I said to her my kids are Autistic and this Christmas everything is going to be so different for them. Even though they are 11 and 18 years old, and seem to understand, I am finding it very hard to not do the things I have always done for them.

This beautiful young woman listened

She then told me that her boyfriends little sister was Autistic.

She then said these words and they helped me so very much,

” I am sure your children will be happy just feeling loved and accepted for who they are. Just having you as their Mom at Christmas is all they really need. No amount of Christmas gifts could ever be as important as the love you give to them.”

She will never know how much I needed to hear this.

She wished me a blessed Christmas and then disappeared into the dark night. What is really odd is everyone on my street I have asked never even saw her, they have all said she didn’t knock at their houses. Perhaps they just didn’t hear her, but she knocked very loudly at my door.

I know my faith can seem very childlike

I have been undermined and ridiculed for this in the past. I cling to Jesus’ words about this.

But I was also reminded of a scripture in Hebrews 13

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

I’m not saying this girl was an Angel, but her words of kindness came just when I needed them.

I know that sometimes my readers don’t know how to comment

That is fine my friends, just knowing that you read is enough. After I have shared it is because I am dealing with it. By the time you read what I have written I am smiling, that’s why I write. God is good!

I appreciate all of you and all of your prayers.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

List of posts I have looping in my mind, no particular order.

(I will write them after I have prayed and pondered and feel inspired)

A *CAL update

*AJ’s awkward questions

Aspie…spot the abuse!

Why I share what I share

Bible basher, Jesus freak…bullying

I don’t know how to be a friend

Playing empathy, sharing toys

So what is hospitality then?

Christmas, what are you about?

And just because I love this Christmas Carol and Aled Jones singing it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

A bunch of Matildas in a Wormwood World

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

My little *CAL gave me the idea for the title of this post. She LOVES Roald Dahl and Matilda is her current favourite film to have on repeat. I have lost count, it has been on everyday for about 5 weeks now. Mr Locoman just gave me this information, I have actually learned the art of blocking. I’m very good at it actually. I first learned it at school when the teachers were boring me to death, I couldn’t read remember and most of the time I was completely oblivious. Oh hang on a minute he just shouted from the kitchen, she had a break of 3 days in the middle. You’re getting the picture though…right? 🙂

I REALLY don’t know why she LOVES it so much

But saying that, no one else seems to understand my love for The Time Machine 2002. I just know that when I’m needing to take a break from headmess, my loops and all the jumble of overload I can lose myself in that film. My mind seems to slow down and piece things together better and my body doesn’t feel it needs to react in any way. I have always had a fascination for time travel, I do think it is to do with time being so confusing to me. How when I’m stuck in flow activities and daydreams time and people problems just disappear, or if I’m stuck in a frantic thought loop time seems to last for an eternity.

Anyway I’m going off on a tangent here.

My little *CAL asked me why people say nasty things.

We were walking and chatting, there were other people with their children around and I hadn’t realised that *CAL was listening to a parent saying the most horrible and negative things to their young son. *CAL was quite upset by this and said to me, “Mom, why are most people like the Wormwoods? I sometimes feel like a Matilda in a world of Wormwoods and Miss Trunchballs.”

My little girl is very literal

She is also very quiet, she only really opens up when she feels extremely safe. She is 11 now and she has learned to wear the mask of society quite well. However not well enough to not be noticed occasionally by those who choose to point out her differences, the little quirks she has that show she is on the spectrum. She is starting to know who she can be herself with and who she has to pretend around. It breaks my heart to know that both my kids have to do this. How I have had to imitate my lovely NT Mom, learn to fit in to be accepted by most people, my kids have to do the same.

The mask is only for those who don’t love and accept us though.

In our home we can all be a bunch of Matildas. We might not have the magical gifts that Matilda was able to tap into by using the negativity around her as mental energy to move objects.

But we have the gift of each other, the gift of love and the gift of close family and close friends. We can also use the negative that is around us and turn it upside down to help those who need to know what it is like living with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you like… Autism is our Matilda gift.

We also believe, hope and wait….

Because yes….there are plenty of loving, accepting Miss Honeys in this Wormwood world. I’m teaching my kids to look out for them. I prayed for nearly 40 years and there were times I gave up. The Wormwoods got to me, the Trunchbulls squashed me. But there is a difference!

I grew up not knowing I was on the spectrum

I slipped through the cracks and just thought I was odd, weird, wrong and thick…an alien.

Finding out I had Dyslexia was a massive eye opener. But hearing the word Aspergers Syndrome for the first time was the piece of the puzzle I needed to start putting me back together.

My kids know they are wired differently and they are finding who they are as Wonderfully Wired and unique creations.

My dyslexia I choose to see as a gift

It helps me to control the amount of input going into my brain and I believe stops me from overloading as much as most Aspies do.

Without it I would have read CORRECTLY what I was doing and never accidently started a blog.

Without my blog I would never have met all the wonderful Matildas and Miss Honeys that are now my Bloggy friends.

I’m also pretty sure that a lot of those Wormwoods are just wearing masks too, hiding their own insecurities from a bunch of Trunchbulls.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Collection of my Aspie thoughts today

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

It’s NO secret that I am not particularly fond of foxes. Now I don’t wish them any harm, they need to survive I understand that, I just REALLY miss my chickens. Today however I cuddled on the sofa with my girl and watch story time and the story was called, The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green. It was this story of a Mommy fox that pulled some of my Aspie tangent thinking together.

I found this quote on fb      ———>

Those who know me personally know how I love quotes, images, and scriptures.

Those of you who are added to my fb see them most days when I get my coffee/quote time.

I love to share what I find, it brings me a joy to know that something I find, that helps me, may also help someone else too.

I have had a nasty cold all week this week

My little *CAL has caught it too and we haven’t done a lot today but spend time together resting, we have watched a film and a bit of TV. One of *CAL’s Goldfish (Roger) died yesterday so she is not too happy at the moment. Also because she is not well she has missed the fun day at school helping her best friend with a stall to raise money for “Children in Need.” <——–Link

I read a post today on a blog I follow

I read it from my mobile while me and *CAL were having our movie time.

Here is the link… The Chase

This post made me ponder on the simple questions

Are you chasing Him? What are you seeing? What are you seeking?

I’m an Aspie Mom with Aspie kids

This is where Story time brought it all together for me. I have so many thoughts that I ponder on, I find taking the time to be still and rest will always pull them together, and God finds the strangest things to pull my loops together.

Here is a link to the story that me and *CAL watched.

It’s a lovely story and quite short please watch it if you have time.

The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green, read by Josie Lawrence.

Yes I know it’s a kids story book but Jesus did say those who have ears let them hear.

God reaches us where we are at, and I’m still a big kid!

As Moms with kids on the spectrum

I feel we learn to protect constantly, our kids are vulnerable and misunderstood by many. The things we talk about most people are not interested in and the difficulties we have to cope with daily only other ASD parents can possibly understand.

I’m also Aspie so I have lived with the social isolation and being misunderstood by others, also me misunderstanding others all my life. I learned to conform, to act, to NOT stand out, just fit, because rejection hurt so very much! I learned that who I am is never appreciated so it is best to stay hidden. Seeing my kids getting hurt and being misunderstood hurts so very deeply. Watching them conform and lose parts of who they are breaks my heart.

Back to the fox and my tangent

I dislike foxes because they hurt something I loved, they took it from me. A lot of the time I think us ASD Moms feel this way about Autism. I know in my life I have constantly prayed to be accepted and have friends who love and accept me for who I am. I believe it’s not the Autism that is the difficulty but unaccepting people who push for conformity and set unrealistic goals for those on the spectrum to reach, in a time limit that society pushes down our throats. Unconditional love and acceptance for who we are is really all any of us need.

In the story of the Fox in the Dark

The Mommy fox is looking for her baby who is lost in the dark. All the other animals are afraid of the fox because they have their own understanding. They are judging this fox on what they know of foxes.

Isn’t this so true about Autism too?

I have heard these words so many times, “She doesn’t look autistic!”

I’m reminded of a scripture

Luke 9:58  (NIV1984)

Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

And also another…

Acts 17:28 (GNT)

as someone has said, In him we live and move and exist.
It is as some of your poets have said, We too are his children.