My Aspie sleep patterns, reminder why I blog.

Today I received a comment on an old post called “Loopy Loopy Loopy” I wrote this post while in a shutdown and have NO RECOLLECTION of writing it, what so ever. I KNOW I write a lot so this is not a concern, but it did make me wonder why I was shutdown? What was going on for me at that time? What had I been absorbing? I can see now what it was, and I can see I needed my safe place.

I very often re-read my old posts

It’s good for me to see what I have learned.It’s great when I am reminded of them, this took me on a mooch of that month. I found this post while mooching my blog and thought I’d reshare it.

**********************************************************************

Anyone who is familiar with the Autistic Spectrum will know about sleep problems. I read my friends post this morning called

“Sleep is an enigma here” about her little boy having great trouble with sleeping and how it affects the whole family. I decided to write about my sleeping difficulties and the pattern I have noticed.

I believe that my brain has cycles of learning and times where I can’t learn at all. As I am dyslexic and have read very few books about Autism I have to just explain in my own way. I call this my Lisa Lingo and it helps me to understand things for myself.

My sleep patterns and learning

As far as I know I seem to have four and they relate to my learning cycles.

I have had to give them names to help me understand.

1. Airy-Fairy.

2. The absorber.

3. Loopy-Leesy-Loo.

4. The retreat.

Airy-Fairy

Airy-Fairy is a nick name my Mom gave me as a child, meaning I lived with my head in the clouds. It is a very peaceful learning mind where I am totally happy, daydreaming, content and a bit vague. I am very certain about everything in my life and I float around oblivious. This is a mood and mind I would love to have most of the time and when I am like this sleeping is easy, it’s my Aspie-happy place, however I do have strange dreams that are very vivid and usually linked to something God is helping me to understand.

The absorber

This learning mind needs to feed, it absorbs EVERYTHING!!!!!

When I am like this I will absorb everything I see, hear, smell, taste, touch. I will create visual replays and overlay in my head. It is a time when I feel a need to handle things, smell things, rub them on my face. I have to experience them, not just see them. My Mom used to say, “You don’t have eyeballs on your fingers, you don’t need to touch everything!” But I know now that I do, I learn something by handling.

This is also the time I can actually be close to people, I’m not familiar with. I can touch them and not feel weird about it. But I do notice everything about them, even what they don’t say I seem to see it in their eyes. This is the time I can just blurt out those personal questions and statements, making people very uncomfortable. But I can tell they are not good and I need to know the truth. Eye contact is alot easier when I’m absorbing. Although some people can be very scary when I am in this mind. But it is also lovely to act a bit like everyone else and naturally touch people that I warm to. But I don’t seem to have control over it, I have in the past done things like flick dandruff off a person’s shoulder or pick a hair off their jacket. This is ok with close friends, family but NOT with someone you have only just met. hehehe

I have to be careful in this learning mind if I absorb negativity it will cause nightmares and fear of sleeping. I will wake up about 2-4 times a night in this mind but if I have answers to most things in my head I can return to sleep. Also prayer is great when I am like this. I can pray myself back to sleep.

Loopy-Leesy-Loo

This is a nick name one of my best friends gave me.

With this learning mind of mine I am getting to full capacity. I have absorbed as much as I can and I am seeing puzzles everywhere and talking nonstop. With this I also see answers, connections and ways of fixing things, creating things and being totally and COMPLETELY focused. However if my mind and sensory are fed with negative or are overwhelmed, overloaded I can go into complete panic. Then I will shutdown or meltdown depending on how safe I feel, what environment I am in. This is where having faith helps me so very much.

Sleeping when I am looping is hard, I can’t switch my brain off, it can drive me nuts, so it is really hard to get to sleep with so much going on in there. I have to be physically exhausted and even then I will only sleep four hours before waking. I usually get up and write it out and pray it out. As a child I would end up in bed with Mom. Very often both me and my brother were like this at the same time and Mom would have us both babbling to her. I remember she bought us a tape recorder and told us to talk to that and she would listen when she was awake…giggle. She was funny my Mom. 🙂

I don’t have nightmares as such with this learning mind, more wanting to solve things and understand things better. But it can keep me awake all night and also I can go into anxiety with this.

The retreat

I have called it this because I know that even though I have shutdown, I am with God I am filtering and preparing. It is from my shutdowns and giving them to God that I learn the most life changing lessons. From deep in the pit, knowing He is there with me helping me piece it all together, I know now that I will ascend with new understanding. When I am in retreat I have to just do what I can to function. I have to keep praying for God to bring me out. It is not a place I like to go but I know now that I will learn my most valuable lessons from here.

When I am in this place sleeping happens because I am completely drained. I have to be kind to myself and I have to do whatever makes me happy. Using my creativity is my way out and I find God speaks to me through what I am doing or through simple things, through the still quiet voice.

I sleep quite well when I’m in retreat but very often wake up feeling upset, angry, alone and I can’t understand why.

Why I wrote this out.

I thought that as I am seeing this with myself, maybe others have their own patterns too. I like to share what I learn on my personal journey of self discovery. I have always felt so alien and alone, sharing helps me to not feel this way. I also know there are SO many undiagnosed Aspies out there seeking answers. Some of you may never comment, but you are reading. Maybe something I write in my silly Lisa Lingo will help you feel that you are NOT alone and you are NOT alien.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I’m still a child at heart.

Be warned I have had coffee today…of the full caffeinated variety. This post is a jumble of things I said to my closest friends yesterday without caffeine just a bit of ice cream, a lot of spirit and the company of my beautiful daughter.

“I’m just being me!”

  1. Toys R Us may have found a way of bolting up the scooters. But they forgot about the skate-boards. These wide boards feel very different to my slim red flyer, still good though. 🙂 hehe
  2. I’m trying to not focus on how terrible I am at social stuff and how freaky I come across in friendships. I am thinking I need to just focus on what I am good at.
  3. I’m playing on the skate-boards in Toys R Us. such fun!!!
  4. I’m heading footballs now, it’s fun too. I found a board like my old flyer skate-board and impressed *CAL with my skills.
  5. I have just spotted a pogo stick that’s my next plan. The man keeps walking past but I’m ignoring him. He is probably worried I will break my neck, he doesn’t know I’m still bendy enough to do the splits and can still do cartwheels and stand on my head.
  6. Giggle…*CAL videoed me on a pogo stick but my boobs look huge and they’re bouncing all over the place. I need a better bra. 🙂
  7. You gonna pogo with me too then. That would be so cool, two middle aged women pogoing round Toys R Us.
  8. My friend reckons they locked the scooters up because they see me pull up in the car park. I love the Razorwings. I wrote a post once about my playtimes in Toys R Us. I think it was called “Scooters and Daleks” (Wrong title it was called “DALEKS and Flying Scooter.” Also THIS is the post I was thinking of.)
  9. I love toy shops, I can spend hours here. Not at Christmas though all the people ruin it for me.
  10. Photography while pogoing that’s original. You would have to do it one handed…LOL.
  11. I don’t think about danger when it comes to me not until I hurt myself or get stuck. I’ve always been the same. I used to worry my mom stupid. I get it from my dad, he still climbs trees just for fun, or if his kite gets stuck.
  12. I want to go down the slides, I LOVE water slides. And I want to go to animal land too.
  13. I don’t need books, I don’t like books, books are boring…I want to run and jump and slide and swing and copy all the animals.
  14. You say slides and animals, my eyes grow wide and my heart beats faster.
  15. Catch the kid in you and go with that, I see your inner child, I see you.
  16. OH YES!! I so have to see Judge Dredd in 3D even if I have to go on my own. I LOVED the original.
  17. Hmm…What to do? Write a post for one of my blogs, I do love to write. Or watch a film with dragons in it, chill out and drink some wine?
  18. A link for any other Dr Who geeks out there, warning this does include a few spoilers. BUT…seriously people Dinosaurs and Daleks, spaceships and time travel…what is NOT to LOVE!!!! (Doctor Who Series 7 2012: What We Know)
  19. I hide my childlike self with most people but I know you get me.
  20. For my lovely hubby (Mr Locoman)…. See, this is what happens to poor innocent train spotters. This explains everything…LMHO.

The problem I make for myself is I try to act like a grown up because I am aware that is what I am supposed to be. But grown ups are not always nice and I don’t really fit with that or want to act that way. I want to be me and be able to say how I feel, express myself openly and honestly like little kids do. But people get me wrong because I am no-longer a child, but I am still a child at heart.

Flower of gold

Photo taken by a friend

Flower of gold

by Alienhippy

Come hear my song of brightened delight

Bathed in this glory of radiant white

Alone I rise from this sea of doubt

Head held high yet the odd one out

~

Gaze at my beauty I’m not like the rest

Gentle and sweet always giving my best

Rooted firmly and protected I stand

Forsaken in a crowd but safe in His hand

~

Reaching heart, eyes open to the sky

Accepted in love not questioning why

Radiant in this glory my spirit runs free

Shining like a star and living to be me

~

Swayed by the breeze I’ll bend not break

Alive and growing no longer playing fake

Unique by design this truth I confess

Created to be remarkable, different not less

********************

My Aspie sleep patterns, revisited.

Today I recieved a comment on an old post called “Loopy Loopy Loopy”
I wrote this post while in a shutdown and have NO RECOLLECTION of writing it, what so ever.
I KNOW I write a lot so this is not a concern, but it did make me wonder why I was shutdown?
What was going on for me at that time? What had I been absorbing?
I can see now what it was, and I can see I needed my safe place.

I very often re-read my old posts

It’s good for me to see what I have learned.
It’s great when I am reminded of them, this took me on a mooch of that month.

I found this post while mooching my blog and thought I’d reshare it.

**********************************************************************

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Anyone who is familiar with the Autistic Spectrum will know about sleep problems. I read my friends post this morning called

“Sleep is an enigma here” about her little boy having great trouble with sleeping and how it affects the whole family. I decided to write about my sleeping difficulties and the pattern I have noticed.

I believe that my brain has cycles of learning and times where I can’t learn at all. As I am dyslexic and have read very few books about Autism I have to just explain in my own way. I call this my Lisa Lingo and it helps me to understand things for myself.

My sleep patterns and learning

As far as I know I seem to have four and they relate to my learning cycles.

I have had to give them names to help me understand.

1. Airy-Fairy.

2. The absorber.

3. Loopy-Leesy-Loo.

4. The retreat.

Airy-Fairy

Airy-Fairy is a nick name my Mom gave me as a child, meaning I lived with my head in the clouds. It is a very peaceful learning mind where I am totally happy, daydreaming, content and a bit vague. I am very certain about everything in my life and I float around oblivious. This is a mood and mind I would love to have most of the time and when I am like this sleeping is easy, it’s my Aspie-happy place, however I do have strange dreams that are very vivid and usually linked to something God is helping me to understand.

The absorber

This learning mind needs to feed, it absorbs EVERYTHING!!!!!

When I am like this I will absorb everything I see, hear, smell, taste, touch. I will create visual replays and overlay in my head. It is a time when I feel a need to handle things, smell things, rub them on my face. I have to experience them, not just see them. My Mom used to say, “You don’t have eyeballs on your fingers, you don’t need to touch everything!” But I know now that I do, I learn something by handling.

This is also the time I can actually be close to people, I’m not familiar with. I can touch them and not feel weird about it. But I do notice everything about them, even what they don’t say I seem to see it in their eyes. This is the time I can just blurt out those personal questions and statements, making people very uncomfortable. But I can tell they are not good and I need to know the truth. Eye contact is alot easier when I’m absorbing. Although some people can be very scary when I am in this mind. But it is also lovely to act a bit like everyone else and naturally touch people that I warm to. But I don’t seem to have control over it, I have in the past done things like flick dandruff off a person’s shoulder or pick a hair off their jacket. This is ok with close friends, family but NOT with someone you have only just met. hehehe

I have to be careful in this learning mind if I absorb negativity it will cause nightmares and fear of sleeping. I will wake up about 2-4 times a night in this mind but if I have answers to most things in my head I can return to sleep. Also prayer is great when I am like this. I can pray myself back to sleep.

Loopy-Leesy-Loo

This is the nick name my best friend gave me and I love it.

With this learning mind of mine I am getting to full capacity. I have absorbed as much as I can and I am seeing puzzles everywhere and talking nonstop. With this I also see answers, connections and ways of fixing things, creating things and being totally and COMPLETELY focused. However if my mind and sensory are fed with negative or are overwhelmed, overloaded I can go into complete panic. Then I will shutdown or meltdown depending on how safe I feel, what environment I am in. This is where having faith helps me so very much.

Sleeping when I am looping is hard, I can’t switch my brain off, it can drive me nuts, so it is really hard to get to sleep with so much going on in there. I have to be physically exhausted and even then I will only sleep four hours before waking. I usually get up and write it out and pray it out. As a child I would end up in bed with Mom. Very often both me and my brother were like this at the same time and Mom would have us both babbling to her. I remember she bought us a tape recorder and told us to talk to that and she would listen when she was awake…giggle. She was funny my Mom. 🙂

I don’t have nightmares as such with this learning mind, more wanting to solve things and understand things better. But it can keep me awake all night and also I can go into anxiety with this.

The retreat

I have called it this because I know that even though I have shutdown, I am with God I am filtering and preparing. It is from my shutdowns and giving them to God that I learn the most life changing lessons. From deep in the pit, knowing He is there with me helping me piece it all together, I know now that I will ascend with new understanding. When I am in retreat I have to just do what I can to function. I have to keep praying for God to bring me out. It is not a place I like to go but I know now that I will learn my most valuable lessons from here.

When I am in this place sleeping happens because I am completely drained. I have to be kind to myself and I have to do whatever makes me happy. Using my creativity is my way out and I find God speaks to me through what I am doing or through simple things, through the still quiet voice.

I sleep quite well when I’m in retreat but very often wake up feeling upset, angry, alone and I can’t understand why.

Why I wrote this out.

I thought that as I am seeing this with myself, maybe others have their own patterns too. I like to share what I learn on my personal journey of self discovery. I have always felt so alien and alone, sharing helps me to not feel this way. I also know there are SO many other undiagnosed Aspies out there.

Some of you may never comment, but you are reading. Maybe something I write in my silly Lisa Lingo will help you feel that you are NOT alone and you are NOT alien.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Smears on my windows

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I cleaned the windows today!

I know it’s SO interesting isn’t it? But before you run off I had a lot of thoughts while cleaning and a lot of clarity to what I have been feeling. So keep reading and I’ll share what I found helpful.

I really love to write

I know that my spelling isn’t great and I’m so grateful that God inspired someone to create spellcheck. Without spellcheck I wouldn’t have the confidence to blog. But even with spellcheck my spelling, punctuation and grammar are not the best. Those of you who have been reading for a while know how I struggle to feel accepted, you know how I fear rejection and also how my Aspergers and dyslexia cause visual loops and an inability to process or even understand at times.

Longing for communication and connection

I feel that everyone longs for connection, to feel loved and accepted for who they are. People on the spectrum are just the same, we may seem to shy away from friendships but that is because we are misread, misunderstood and we see things differently. We can’t always maintain eye contact because we can’t think/understand/process all that information at the same time. Some of us can speak and act really well, so well in fact we look like we fit. However we have this big aching void inside of us because who we really are is trapped and never allowed to be shown.

I am what is called high functioning and I have learned to conform. Only a very few people really know me, my bloggy friends know more about me than the people I see every day. Communication and connection comes easier for me through writing. Only my close family and one friend can cope with me in a meltdown. I have one friend I allow to see me when I am shutdown. I know she understands me, accepts me and loves me for who I am. I feel very blessed to have the family and friends I have.

So back to cleaning windows

My Aspie brain is very good at dictating a post while I’m busy. Cleaning windows is no exception. I’m quite fussy with windows, I wrote a poem about it once.

Here is the link for anyone wanting a giggle.

When I’m cleaning windows

Those who know me personally, know I could NEVER have an iPad or touchscreen mobile because I see every finger print and have to wipe it off. Finger prints and smears really do drive me mad, it seems they become my total focus. I wish I could change it I really do.

I was cleaning my bedroom windows and making sure I had no smears when I realised how focused I was on the glass and not seeing my cat on the fence looking at me. This reminded me of the time when I was in a religious sect and I was so focused on the scriptures, and making people see them as I did, that I didn’t see the people. I didn’t see their hurt, who they were or how they loved. We are all unique and how we love is unique too.

I was speaking with Mr Locoman about this

We talked about a railway group he knows. There are those who go because they have a deep passion for locomotives, and there are those who know a lot about locomotives. Then there are people who want to learn and people who want to share and those who want to feel part of something.

Each person has equal status but sometimes we can be so caught up in the fingerprints we forget to see through the glass.

I’m being abstract but I’m sure someone will understand me.

I cleaned the windows, hubby cleaned the car

I was driving *AJ and *DWKlymax to the gym this evening. It was dark and as I was driving I noticed a smear on my windscreen. For just a few seconds I stopped looking outwards and focused too much on the imperfection. A teenage girl wearing all black walked out into the road. I am so glad I didn’t focus on the smear for too long. I could have ploughed her down.

I know it’s not the same for everyone

For me though, my Bible can be like this. I believe that God’s word needs to be digested by each of His children in the way He gives to them. We are all created differently and we all hear God in the way He choses to reveal Himself to us and in us.

I learned the hard way not to use scripture to put my point across, who am I anyway, I’m just Lisa, we are all just a mist. If God uses me then I feel blessed by that. The scriptures I share on my blog and with friends are those that inspire me or those that have helped me. My opinion or my interpretation of scripture is for me, I share my ups and my downs. I share how God helps me, how He carries me through my dark times and dances with me in my joy.

That’s right, in my understanding

Our Heavenly Father is the bestest Happy-Dancer there is!

In the words of the song that’s looping in my head while I write this post,

“If you could see what I can see when I’m cleaning windows!”

For me I have to read, inwardly digest through prayer and then live life in His unconditional love. Accepting myself with all my imperfections and loving others for who they are. This is far more of a challenge for me than using scripture.

If I focus on Jesus, He will teach me to see through His eyes and He is the true word of God. I’m learning to see through windows in His way, in the time I have here, before the glorious time of being with Him.

Love and hugs friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂

I love this song, I know I have shared it before!

Collection of my Aspie thoughts today

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

It’s NO secret that I am not particularly fond of foxes. Now I don’t wish them any harm, they need to survive I understand that, I just REALLY miss my chickens. Today however I cuddled on the sofa with my girl and watch story time and the story was called, The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green. It was this story of a Mommy fox that pulled some of my Aspie tangent thinking together.

I found this quote on fb      ———>

Those who know me personally know how I love quotes, images, and scriptures.

Those of you who are added to my fb see them most days when I get my coffee/quote time.

I love to share what I find, it brings me a joy to know that something I find, that helps me, may also help someone else too.

I have had a nasty cold all week this week

My little *CAL has caught it too and we haven’t done a lot today but spend time together resting, we have watched a film and a bit of TV. One of *CAL’s Goldfish (Roger) died yesterday so she is not too happy at the moment. Also because she is not well she has missed the fun day at school helping her best friend with a stall to raise money for “Children in Need.” <——–Link

I read a post today on a blog I follow

I read it from my mobile while me and *CAL were having our movie time.

Here is the link… The Chase

This post made me ponder on the simple questions

Are you chasing Him? What are you seeing? What are you seeking?

I’m an Aspie Mom with Aspie kids

This is where Story time brought it all together for me. I have so many thoughts that I ponder on, I find taking the time to be still and rest will always pull them together, and God finds the strangest things to pull my loops together.

Here is a link to the story that me and *CAL watched.

It’s a lovely story and quite short please watch it if you have time.

The Fox in the Dark, by Alison Green, read by Josie Lawrence.

Yes I know it’s a kids story book but Jesus did say those who have ears let them hear.

God reaches us where we are at, and I’m still a big kid!

As Moms with kids on the spectrum

I feel we learn to protect constantly, our kids are vulnerable and misunderstood by many. The things we talk about most people are not interested in and the difficulties we have to cope with daily only other ASD parents can possibly understand.

I’m also Aspie so I have lived with the social isolation and being misunderstood by others, also me misunderstanding others all my life. I learned to conform, to act, to NOT stand out, just fit, because rejection hurt so very much! I learned that who I am is never appreciated so it is best to stay hidden. Seeing my kids getting hurt and being misunderstood hurts so very deeply. Watching them conform and lose parts of who they are breaks my heart.

Back to the fox and my tangent

I dislike foxes because they hurt something I loved, they took it from me. A lot of the time I think us ASD Moms feel this way about Autism. I know in my life I have constantly prayed to be accepted and have friends who love and accept me for who I am. I believe it’s not the Autism that is the difficulty but unaccepting people who push for conformity and set unrealistic goals for those on the spectrum to reach, in a time limit that society pushes down our throats. Unconditional love and acceptance for who we are is really all any of us need.

In the story of the Fox in the Dark

The Mommy fox is looking for her baby who is lost in the dark. All the other animals are afraid of the fox because they have their own understanding. They are judging this fox on what they know of foxes.

Isn’t this so true about Autism too?

I have heard these words so many times, “She doesn’t look autistic!”

I’m reminded of a scripture

Luke 9:58  (NIV1984)

Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

And also another…

Acts 17:28 (GNT)

as someone has said, In him we live and move and exist.
It is as some of your poets have said, We too are his children.