ASD in the paint of randomness

IMG03991-20121207-1703I love to paint

I haven’t studied how to paint. I just love playing with paint. Playing with paint is like therapy for me.

I went to college to study art when I was in my twenties but the environment didn’t suit me. At that time I didn’t understand why. Being undiagnosed with Dyslexia and Aspergers probably had something to do with it. 😉

My creativity is very personal

I like to experiment, mix things up, break a few rules and put a lot of myself into what I create. Just as I write it out, I also paint it out. I paint out my moods, meltdowns, shutdowns, misunderstandings. My highs, my lows, my searching and pondering. But also, I just love playing.

I paint abstract because I am too much of a perfectionist to paint any other way. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t reproduce exactly how I experience an image in my mind. So I find it best to distort that image and let it grow in the paint. I let it grow and develop its own character and in its own way. I let the paint show me how it wants to be.

The secret for me is to not try to make it perfect, just play and let it grow as it flows. It’s something just for me, a time where I can switch off my loops. For me painting is not about making pretty pictures, that’s what my photography is for, it’s about enjoying the paint. Letting the colours be an extension of what is in me, but not caging them in a fixed visual or idea. Not making the paint conform or restricting it but letting it dance and sing.

College for me seemed like I was being told to lose me and to be like everyone else. In my twenties my art was all I seemed to have left of me after having to conform in every other way. Having to imitate the styles of those who were successful, famous, idolised meant nothing to me. I got no release from trying to be like someone else. It just frustrated my brain even more. For me painting is therapy and it helps me to switch off the loops of being overwhelmed, over stimulated or from having to over analyse myself and every situation.

Today I was happy, so I played

I just purely wanted to play with my paints, like the big kid I am. An old canvas picked up from a charity shop, painted over which I scribbled some lines and patterns on. Nothing special, I just doodled.

Mr Locoman is not really interested in art

Especially art of the abstract variety…..hehehe

I have created MANY, MANY, MANY paintings. All have had so much emotion expressed in the paint. He has never understood any of what I explained to him, he says my depth of thought mostly just confuses him. That’s fine, just so you all know….anyone who knows me personally knows I talk and talk and talk. When I am processing I not only taIk and talk and talk, I also babble quite a lot in tangents and jump from arse-hole to breakfast time. In fact I KNOW that I verbally process myself round in such circles I forget what I was even talking about.

Anyway…..

My lovely hubby comes home from work and notices my play time on the kitchen table. I’m on the PC writing and researching when he walks up to me and says…

Mr Locoman…”That’s very bright, is it one of yours? What is it?”

Me (Oblivious, because I am researching gorillas)…”What’s what?”

Mr Locoman… “The painting, what is it?”

Me (Puzzled he is asking, screws up my face) … “Uh, what? It’s nothing.”

Mr Locoman… “I mean what is it about?”

Me… *rolls eyes* “Errrrrrrrr, it’s just paints and colours and shapes.”

Mr Locoman… “No, what is the meaning expressed in it?”

Me…(Giggle) …”Nothing at all, I was just playing with my paints.”

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Now, this might not seem funny to anyone else but I don’t care because it’s my blog and I’m giggling. I find it hilarious that my hubby expects me to talk non-stop because there is a painting on the kitchen table instead of his tea. He has got to know me so well that he thought I had had some kind of mental processing to do because I painted a picture.

Am I really that predictable?

Am I?

REALLY?

My play time isn’t finished yet

I’m going to add some of my squirty bottle swirls with brighter colours. I also like the idea of painting in some glitters, or metallic paints….FUN!!!! Of course I also need to add some fishes. It’s just not Alienhippy unless it has fishes.

Here is some RANDOM for you, because I like random

Take some time to escape all the Christmas shopping madness. (THINK) Wouldn’t it be nice if some of the Christmas shoppers were as kind and loving as this Gorilla?

JUST PROCESSING

Each one is a process.

It’s a battle I conquered.

Playing with colours.

As I kept moving forward.

Sometimes words say less.

Sometimes paint says more.

Sometimes words flow freely.

Sometimes paint is my outpour.

Sometimes words are just too tough.

Sometimes rhyme and colour is enough.

I went to see a psychologist today.

On the way I practised what to say.

But as I sat in the psychology chair.

I found that those words hadn’t followed me there.

Painted in oil

Beautiful Headmess

Sorry I have no words again, I have had a very busy day and none of it was planned so I feel quite overloaded. I just want to go and lose myself in a film. I’m a creature of routine and function better when I can do what I need to do. This is one of my paintings. It is painted in oil and it’s not finished yet. I call it ‘Beautiful Headmess’ because I started it while in a shutdown. I don’t know what it needs but to me it doesn’t balance yet. I don’t really like it much, but I have nothing else to share.  Love and hugs. xx 🙂

I DON’T like the word “Obsessive”

Image from Google

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Look at the word Obsession

(World English Dictionary)

obsession (əbˈsɛʃən)

1. psychiatry a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness

2. a persistent preoccupation, idea, or feeling

3. the act of obsessing or the state of being obsessed

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS WORD!

It’s probably just me and my past, but it just seems that sometimes when it is said to me it makes me feel all icky inside, icky and wrong.

I read a quote this morning on a fb pages

I can’t remember which one now but the words stuck in my head. I also read one of the responses to the quote and it made me think how important it is to see who we are in Christ. To try hard to see who God sees in us. Not how we view ourselves, or how those in our lives make us feel about ourselves. This is a very hard balance to find. I believe it can only really be obtained through relationship with God, over time, with maturity. It’s the mark we will always keep missing. God’s love is unconditional we can rest in the blessed assurance of our precious Saviour.

This is what I wrote down, it is what I pondered on and later what I prayed about.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

Not knowing why I’m different has caused scars

“We see it as we are…” If you grow up never feeling you belong the world can feel pretty hostile. I learned to see beauty in nature, animals, children, interests, songs and objects. I have always shied away from people and close friendships. I only put myself with groups of people when I knew I could cope. I have learned now to pick these groups very carefully after many bad experiences.

Being an Aspie is a blessing

I don’t always see this so I am writing it down today. I need to be able to remind myself the next time I have been totally overloaded and had to shutdown completely. I see things differently because my brain is wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

People say that Auties/Aspies are obsessive

It may seem this way if that’s what you see, but I want to change that word to passionate.

Obsessive is a negative word in my head it makes me feel that I am wrong, strange, weird, freaky.

I can be very focused, I see things in great detail. If I am interested and care about something or someone I am very loyal, dedicated to that. I very often will miss other things going on that are not interesting to me. In my life I have been made to feel bad for being me, I have been made to feel stupid because I have missed things. To feel I’m a nuisance because I need to communicate in my way.

for instance…

I loved my fish tank as a child, I would sit, focus and learn everything I could about my fishes and my aquarium. Fishes have always been positive in my life and helped me feel happy. While all the girls my age, were watching the Live Aid concert. I was cleaning out my aquarium and listening to it, I had new plants and I created a new environment for my fish. I was totally happy doing this and remember it so very well. When meeting up with these “friends” I didn’t know much about what had happened in Live Aid, I only heard the music. I listened to them all talking and was afraid to say I didn’t watch it, I only listened. I knew how they would all react. I would have been 16 years old and I knew my ways seemed odd to most people.

Now look at the word passion

Passion (from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω (paskho) meaning to suffer) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.

The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love – to a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a subject, idea, person, or object. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust.

Those who know and love Aspies/Auties

I believe you too will see this, we can’t control our happy-dance, our smiles, our clapping, our over excitement. I believe those who love and accept see how we focus and watch how we learn. I believe you can also see how we shutdown out of hurt, fear, rejection and an intense feeling of overwhelming wrongness that we can’t process.

So you too see through Aspie eyes!

Passion is what I feel towards what I am interested in

I am passionate about my family and as a Mom to understand my kids and be the best I can be for them. I am passionate about my relationship with God and finding His calling in my life. I love my blogs and I get a lot of positive experience from writing.

“Obsessive” seems….I don’t know.

I just know that to me it makes me feel like I’m bad in some way.

I used an apple to describe my brain today

That’s right I had to explain how I think to someone today.

Any other adult Aspie who can relate to this??? 🙂

I couldn’t use words and I needed something to hold and look at to explain myself. I got two apples out of the fruit bowl and explained what I understand in my way because I hate it when people tell me I am obsessive and they say it in a way that sounds so negative.

Two Apples, this one is Autistic and this one NT…..LOL

Passionate sounds so much better! (Don’t you think?)

What I am passionate about is always at the forefront of my mind, I can’t change that, my brain has ALWAYS been like that. It’s what I call my lovely loop, it’s a very positive loop for me that gives me joy and happiness. It helps me to feel I belong and gives me energy, motivation and confidence. My special interests are part of this loop. When I can feel good about this loop I can feel good about me and then functioning in a normal day and being around people is NOT at all hard.

When I’m made to feel negative about this loop THEN it becomes obsessive because I am trying so desperately not to feel rejected/isolated/defective. I can’t switch off what I love to do, what I like to think about. I can’t switch off thinking about those I love and ways I can help them. My brain is always puzzling these things out, always communicating with itself and because I have a faith my brain automatically will pray too. I can’t stop how my brain works, I can however let it loop, allow it to feed me positive energy and use that energy to help me in daily life. I can enjoy the visual overlays that inspire me in my days, the reruns and the imaginary conversations. As a child I couldn’t control this and I couldn’t understand why the things I loved to do where taken from me. Why I felt so alone or why I felt so stupid when given something to do that had NO interest to me what.so.ever. My interests are what taught me to eventually learn to read, no one had given me a book I was interested in, so why would I want to read. My passion for learning the truth about Jesus taught me to read.

Having kids, responsibilities and routines helps

I am able to plan and put slots in my day. One thing I enjoy is finding quotes in my coffee quote time. I love to write and paint, sing and play my guitar. I love spending time with my kids and my dogs. I also love spending time with those who love and accept me. I am finding me again. The person God created me to be in all my Aspieness and also in His image.

So after pointing at the front of an apple

Explaining, the best way I could, what my brain works like and how I have had to fake who I am most of my life to avoid ridicule and social rejection. I then spoke on how I have embraced my Aspieness after hiding who I am for nearly 40 years. I am not the person that bends over backwards trying to please everyone just to keep friends anymore. Today when someone I love said to me, “Lisa, hand on heart, you have to admit you are not the easiest person to have to cope with!”

I know this person meant well, I know this person totally loves me. My real self has come as a shock to this person who has only known me imitating my Mom. Not the me who had no close friends and no one who could relate to me. This person only saw what I allowed to be seen.

I thought about the words I wrote down this morning.

It’s not what we look at, it’s what we see.

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are…

All the more reason to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.

I know God created me to be me. So I will listen to Him.

I’m not obsessive, I’m passionate about who God created me to be.

1 Corinthians 13:12

The Message (MSG)

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Mom’s day…with a few photos.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’ve been out ALL day today, I have just sat down at my desk and turned my computer on for the first time today. It’s after 9pm and I have been out of my home for almost 12 hours. I know I’m going to pay for it over the next few days it’s just remembering why I’ll be feeling drained.

So I decided the best way for me to remember is to write it down as time can elude me and my short term memory is diabolical.

Ok…7am my alarm goes off.

It’s school holidays, I switched it off and fell back to sleep…LOL

I forgot what day it was and that my counselling, with my lovely counsellor, starts at 10:30am. Fortunately I got a text message that woke me up. I woke *CAL up and we quickly got ready. While I was praying in the shower I was reminded of something. Now my Aspie brain CANNOT let these things go…so I had to email my friend from my mobile while I sat drying in my bathrobe…I know crazy, but believe me these things just don’t leave my head otherwise.

It’s amazing I get there on time.

There is a little cafe that I go to and grab a tea to take out when I go to see my counsellor.

After my counselling I go back to the same cafe and write out a reflective review of what I have worked through. Like I said I have terrible short term memory. This also gives me the time I need to process all I have discussed in my 50 minute hour.

I received a text while in counselling

Because it is the school holidays my little *CAL stops with my Aunt while I see my counsellor. My Aunt TOTALLY enjoys this time and so does *CAL. My Aunt needed wholemeal bread and asked if I could stop off at the shop on the way back.

I decided to make the most of this time out alone and go and sit in one of my quiet places. I wanted to pray for those I love and also ponder on what life is showing me and how God is guiding me.

This is a photo I took, it doesn’t really do the scene justice.

This is what I wrote while praying and pondering.

I’m sat on a bench having a chat with God. There is quite a breeze here today and the surface of the water is quite choppy, I’m not sure if you will be able to see from the photo. I was wondering what God was showing me and it suddenly became quite clear.

The wind… it is disrupting the stillness of the surface but the depths are calm.

Also look at the birds… The seagulls are here again, there are a few resting on the water they have their heads facing into the wind and they are going with the flow of the waves, rising over them and staying in place.

Then there are the other gulls hovering above me resting in the wind also heading into it with a knowing about them.

Also there are a few who are using the wind to get momentum to dive into the depths to catch fish.

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Ok…it speaks to me, and those who get me, maybe someone else will get it too. 😉

I pop to the local shop

This can be quite dangerous, I take after my Mom with this. The local shops usually have all the local school kids playing around them and the kids all know me as I’m their dinner lady. A trip to the shop 10 minutes from my home has at times taken 2 hours. hehehe

I only saw one of the Moms and we quickly said Hi and it’s not long now till they go back to school.

This Mom has 4 kids and said, “I KNOW I can’t wait!”

Me on the other hand…I would LOVE another 6 weeks off. My Aspie kids and I thrive in the school holidays. 😦

Back at my Aunts.

My Aunt keeps kids busy…she always has. Personally I think she’s just a big kid herself and enjoys the excuse to play. I leave her to it and enjoy having a rest…ASD Moms, you all relate don’t you? Come on, speak up I can’t hear you! hehe.

Seriously I am very lucky to have someone else who loves my children unconditionally.

I gave them a 10 minute demonstration on watercolours also pen and wash then disappeared off onto my Aunts computer, with a nice cuppa to try and catch up with a few emails. I didn’t get much done before the questions started.

Then I get a phone call from *AJ

“Mom, I NEED wholemeal pasta and brown rice…also LEAN mince beef NOT the fatty stuff!”

*AJ is into cooking BIG TIME. He is also into healthy eating and body building.

He is “bulking” at the moment and cooks in great quantity. My kitchen is an *AJ Zone and in a CONSTANT mess…but he is learning and becoming independent, mess can be cleaned up. I repeat…He is learning and becoming independent, mess can be cleaned up. 🙂

So off we go to ASDA

To drag my *CAL away from ART…OMGOSH and Auntie Bubble time means bribery. McFlurry is always a good way to go.

It took us an AGE to get to McDonald’s there were SO MANY traffic diversions.

On entering McDonald’s I noticed the smell and thought “OH NO!!!” I tried not to let it show.

Within minutes *CAL started to gag and then tears welled up, I’m so proud of her though she said to me, “Mom I think we need to go through the drive thru!” So we turn around and very quickly walked back out and queue up to eat in the car. (Sensory Integration Dysfunction) Don’t tell me it is ALL in the mind, that can be SO BLOODY ANNOYING!!!

Supermarkets are best done on a sweep.

This is not just for *CAL’s benefit believe me. I HATE SUPERMARKETS!!!!!

*CAL reminding me it’s her Birthday soon.

Driving out I see the sky Ooooooo…pretty!

I can’t help it, my closest friends are constantly being sent photos of clouds.

I was stuck at traffic lights, I got lost with this and ended up with the annoying BEEP, because the lights had changed and I hadn’t noticed…hehehe

9:30pm *AJ says to me…

“Mom…can you take me round to *A’s please?”

His girlfriend and her family had been to the nearest beach for the day and he wanted to see her.

I’m a big softy and they only live a short drive away, so half way through writing this post I took my boy with his plate of healthy/measured tuna pasta bake….his 6th meal today…round to see the lovely *A. I’ll be fetching him around midnight and I told him to remember to bring my plate back out with him.

Added point…Mrs C, if you are reading this tonight on your mobile through FB while cosy in bed please shout down and remind him. He has taken one of my new plates. It’s the only complete set I have all the others have plates missing or broken. Thank you!

Ok…that’s me done for the day, time to feed the goldfish and let the dogs out to do their business.

How’s your day been?

“I’m waiting to find out!”

"I'm waiting to find out!"

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Collecting thoughts and processing them is something my Aspie brain does constantly. I have SO MANY thoughts throughout my day, so many connections that could be linked but SO MANY of them escape and are forgotten.

About 6 years ago I started to journal my personal thoughts, this I find so helpful.

My blogs have become part of this but I still have other journals too.

I find it best for me to be organised with my thoughts

My Alienhippy blog is for me to share what I have on my heart to share,

“A place where I can be me!” In a world where it is hard to fit.

Listening through the Loops is for my deeper thoughts,

my inspirations, creativity, help, dreams and imagination.

I have a personal journal that helps me,

I also choose to share my deeper thoughts with those I trust 100%

I keep a prayer journal which I find very, very helpful.

Also I keep a reflective thoughts and letter writing journal.

I don’t write in all of these every day.

My personality is one that needs to share and express.

So I go with what feels best on that particular day.

Some days I can’t express through words, this is where art and music are so very important to me.

Other days I can only express to close friends and they are very patient because believe me with all my looping thoughts I can REALLY babble.

We are all created to be unique

Aspergers Syndrome to me is all I know, when I read about cures for Autism I actually feel quite offended and hurt.

I can only speak for me, I can’t speak for others. I’m quite aware that for those who love and care for children with low functioning Autism I can try to understand the hurt and desperation felt. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my feelings, I can only share how the word “cure” makes me feel.

Being someone with High Functioning Autism, to quote Temple Grandin I also feel,

“I am different, not less.”

To cure is to fix and make better.

I don’t quite understand what is wrong with me or my kids. We struggle to make sense of the way this world is. But we get by and give as we can to community. We accept those around us and try hard to fit the best we can, so to me to cure me means changing me to be like everyone else.

I don’t want to be like everyone else, I like being me!

There are those who manipulate

I think one of the biggest problems for those of us on the spectrum is we listen to and absorb the opinions of others.

As children we were excited by life and we didn’t see anything wrong with us.

As we get older and gain understanding, also learn to conform to societies “norm” that is when we start to lose self.

“A place where I can be me!”

My blog, is a place for me to find self again, to find who I am created to be,

to find my inner Shirley!

As a Christian for me this means to be open and honest and to seek God and His will for my life.

To keep open my Aspie eyes and heart.

That also means to recognise.

Everyone of you who reads my blog and leaves me comments help me to discover little pieces of who I lost. Your words encourage me. Thank you for helping me put this Aspie Jig-saw together.

Just as Elijah waited for the Ravens to bring him meat and bread, and drank from the brook.

I wait on God to help me see, to help me discover who I am in Christ.

I have no idea what it means to be gifted with Aspergers Syndrome.

I’m waiting to find out!

Love and hugs my friends.

Lisa. xx 🙂