Holding my breath, hovering over publish.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

I’m going on a bit of a rant here because I REALLY need to get this out. I’m sort of holding my breath about this post. But my blog is “a place where I can be me!” So here goes…

Hebrews 10:23-25 (NLV)

  • Let us hold on to the hope we say we have and not be changed.
  • We can trust God that He will do what He promised.
  • Let us help each other to love others and to do good.
  • Let us not stay away from church meetings. Some people are doing this all the time.
  • Comfort each other as you see the day of His return coming near.

I was reading my Bible this afternoon and I stopped to ponder on these two verses from Hebrews 10. I broke them down into points, then prayed through each point thinking what God might be showing me, how I can give this to God and see what He is helping me to see.

The point that challenged me the most was point 4.

“Let us not stay away from church meetings. Some people are doing this all the time.”

Those that are closest to me know that every Sunday morning I want to be at church. I want so desperately to be part of a fellowship. I want to break bread and sing to God with God’s family of believers. Every Sunday morning I feel hurt at not feeling accepted for who I am. My whole life I have had to imitate and people please to be accepted and now I have just about had enough.

I haven’t been to church for a few weeks now,

I’m trying to find a church to go to. I really don’t feel that I want to go to a church where I am explained as having “This and That Syndrome” even if it is said in joke.

There are some very lovely people, but just having one person voice this in a public place has made me not want to return. Also knowing that this is how I am explained to others makes me see that my little girl is expected to conform and not be who she is created to be.

I’m not the Lisa they knew, or thought they knew.

I took off my mask, I stopped acting!

I realised that I didn’t want my little girl to have to feel like an actress, a performer every time she went out of the house. I started to advocate for my child, for both my children and in doing this I started to accept who I am. I started to actually be the real me. I started to say “no” to doing things that I knew would cause me to shutdown later. I started to understand that the over stimulation of certain people or environments caused me confusion. I started to understand that I absorb great amounts of information both positive and negative, not really being able to process what is applicable, so becoming totally overwhelmed. On some Monday mornings I was only able to do routine things. I just wanted to zone out and stare at the telly all day. This was not good for me or my family.

I am learning to self regulate

I no longer allow people to bombard me with their idea of what they think I should be doing, or how I should be acting. I know that there are people who will not understand what I am saying here. There will also be those that judge me on however I try to word this.

I would just like to say, that’s fine, you are entitled to your opinion.

I serve a loving Father God who sees the heart.

People see what they want to see, and they hear what they want to hear.

All of my life I have tried so hard to be accepted,

The truth is my brain is wired in an Autistic way and I find a lot of things difficult. I have pushed myself to fit, to conform. This has been like self abuse at times. I was made by one particular church to feel that I was wretched because I found it so hard to talk to strangers and to be in busy places. I found ways of doing these things though because I thought at the time that God wouldn’t love me if I didn’t do them. I was young, vulnerable and naive. It is SO very wrong to put this onto a person, to make anyone feel they are unlovable if they don’t do. If they don’t meet the mark.

Religion says do, Jesus said DONE!

We should serve God with thanks giving and a grateful heart.

Autism is a communication disorder.

Just because some of us are very verbal, doesn’t mean we are keeping up or filtering what is going on. I have had a Sunday sermon still looping in my head on a Friday.

I am not deliberately being awkward I am listening to what my body is telling me and finding ways to do things so I can keep doing them and not go into hiding again. I have decided NOT to fight against my brain but to work with it, listen to the still quiet voice that explains to me how I can be me in Christ. How I can feel the freedom that Christ brings!

Do I want to be at church on Sundays? Yes, I do!

Will I do what God tells me? Yes, I may struggle but I live by God’s grace.

Do I want to be made to feel that I am wrong, I am awkward and I am making excuses?

No. This is not loving and is not building me up. I will not be made to feel this way anymore.

I read this comment today on Fi’s blog.

If you have a Spectrumite routinely tuning out in class, it is because the mental effort required to connect is too much. Spacing out is a way of letting go of a connection that is too hard to maintain. Think of it as trying to hold on to a weight, so heavy that your hands keep getting tired, until you finally have to let go. Only when your hands are rested can you pick it back up. No amount of saying, “Pick it up” or “Stay on task” will change that fact.

Now, imagine that you are being asked to hold something heavy on each finger – that is the experience of multitasking. That is what’s required when listening, making eye contact and watching body language at the same time. Asking this of Spectrumites is psychological torture and socially selfish of anyone who requires it as a condition for being in a relationship with one of us.

Thank you Sparrow for sharing this in your comment. 🙂 xx

Image found on Facebook

As a child I had a wonderful imaginary friend

She would meet me in a secret garden and we would play on a swing that hung from a large tree. We walked and talked, we giggled and played. We picked wild flowers on the side of a river. I never had to pretend to be anyone, I was able to just be me.

When I was made to feel wrong at school, she stood behind me and whispered all the nice things she knew about me. She set a standard of how I should have been treated by friends. She set a standard of how I should have allowed people to treat me. I wouldn’t allow my kids to be talked to in this way, so I am not going to allow myself to be spoken to like this either.

I share so I can move forward.

I share because I know others go through similar things and I know I love it when I read another person’s journey and say, “YES…that is just how I feel!”

All people make mistakes,

It’s not a reflection of God, it’s not a reflection of Church, it’s a reflection of a person hurting inside, or hurting themselves. Someone dealing with their own baggage and insecurities.

Ignorance is everywhere, and arrogance hurts friendships.

We can’t change people, but we can change who we chose to be around.

I know who my friends are, they are the ones who pray for me, who whisper kind things to my heart and hold me accountable to God in their love for me.

Church is the body of Christ, God’s family on Earth. Not a building.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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19 thoughts on “Holding my breath, hovering over publish.

  1. I am sure that there are a lot that feel the same way that you do. There are lot’s of us out there (and by us, I mean people that don’t feel completely and 100% welcome in a church setting), that avoid these situations because of what PEOPLE think… not what God thinks.

    I am glad you published this post. If people don’t like it, they can go find another blog to read.

    Gentle hugs if you like them,
    Kari

    • Thank you Kari for you kind words.
      I really wasn’t expecting anyone to comment on this post, God is full of surprises. 🙂
      Thank you for the gentle hugs.
      Love and gentle hugs right back at ya!
      Lisa. xx 🙂

  2. I think this is a great post. It stands to reason that God would prefer you accept the brain he made for you rather than twist & contort it to try to match other brains. I think your stand on the issue sounds very healthy.

    • Thank you Quirky,
      It does stand to reason, He created us all to be unique, to be ourselves.
      I’m so fed up of trying to be like everyone else.
      It doesn’t matter how hard I try I will never fit anyway, so why bother…LOL
      I’m actually quite happy not to fit anymore and I find God brings along the nicest of people when I’m just being me. Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

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