Back in September I wrote a post called
I read through that post this morning after having some thoughts on this topic. You might want to read my earlier post so you can see my understanding of “SELF” back then, it’s not that different to now. This is only my interpretation you understand, I can only say what goes on within me.
I have great respect for those parents of Aspie/Autie kids, who go out their way to find just what their kids need. Those I have “met” through blogging have really helped me to understand the differences that we all have. They have also really inspired me to take my experiences and make them useful to others.
I only know my own way of coping
For 36 years I didn’t realise that the way I understand things is actually quite different to how most people do. You don’t really go around asking people how their brain works do you??…giggle. So I just assumed that EVERYONE was like me and maybe I was just a little bit slow or thick.
Here are some of my thoughts,
I have LOADS you have probably noticed. 😉 I do like to babble, I find it helps me so much.
Each morning while I’m showering I look through the glass doors at my bathroom. When I first enter the shower cubicle the glass is clear and I can see my bathroom and recognise everything. As the time goes on, and I do like a nice long shower, the droplets of water and the steam make my bathroom become blurry, the glass will mist over. I can still see and I still know everything in that space, so it doesn’t bother me. I sometimes wipe the glass and give myself a window out into this space and it reminds me of how I feel whenever I am out of my comfort zone.
This is where Autism IS TOTALLY about self.
More to the point self preservation!!!
A shutdown, a meltdown is a reaction that happens within to try to gain control of the not knowing. Most of the time, now I am older, I am able to understand the changes going on in my body and mind when I am going into overload. I have had years of experiencing this so I recognise it…most of the time. I have learnt to predict potential overloads.
Sensory overload to me is EXTRA and TOO.MUCH!
What I mean by this is everything seems EXTRA and TOO.MUCH.
It will start with noise with me, but I don’t always notice it straight away. Every little noise becomes EXTRA loud and I can’t tell where they are coming from or which is loud and which isn’t, what is music and what is a buzz from a freezer or overhead lights. All conversations sound like fuzz and I can’t hear or understand what people are saying. I have to start reading lips and faces then that can trigger off fears, insecurities and visuals. Once this happens I know, now, to find a muffled place or go outside. If I can’t get outside or to a toilet, corners are good or standing close to a wall. I think this calms the echoes.
After the noise if I haven’t been able to regain me, the visuals kick in. I will have images, so many images of all my safe places, people and things. I really need them at this point. As a child I would scream to go home, I would crawl up my Mom and hide round her legs. Everything at this point is too confusing and it is impossible to explain verbally how you feel because the words just don’t connect. To me it feels like terror an unrecognisable fear, a complete change in recognition of even the ability to focus on my own breathing. My body feels different like it wants to do its own thing, no matter how I try to reason I just want to run. If I can’t run or calm myself, then I start to defend. My ears I will block and I will focus on the floor, I can also become very angry at this stage trying to control my fear.
When I start to notice ALL THE EXTRAS
With me the lights will hurt my eyes, I can sometimes see them flickering. I have films running in my head of everything I’m seeing. I can look away and still see a person overlay on a wall or a shelf, or even over another person. All the time I’m thinking of home. So that is playing too..HOME, HOME, HOME. In the past I have had to grab my kids and bag and walk out of a supermarket leaving a full trolley of groceries at this point. I locked myself in my car, took my deep breaths and I didn’t go back in, I just couldn’t. There was far too many people. Supermarket are bad enough without people, but on this particular day it was over crowded.
When overload occurs
Every part of me is extremely sensitive. I can’t cope with being touch at all.
If I can’t escape I will go into a form of survival. I didn’t realise this wasn’t how everyone was as I have said before I have lived in an Autism bubble my whole life. I am now learning that who I am and how I cope is not wrong. I have found ways that help me. I think all you Moms and Dads of ASD kids are SUPER AWESOME, you know your little angels and you are finding ways to help them, so they won’t have to do it for themselves.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂