Happy back to the future day

21.10.2015Couldn’t let today go by without reposting this old poem from 2010

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Looking Forward not back!

by Alienhippy

If I had a time machine, where would I go in time?

It’s quite simple really, I’d go back to 1969

I would befriend my own Mother at the age of 19

She’d be pregnant with me, my face yet unseen

~

I wouldn’t tell her who I was, but…I’d tell her I’m an Aspie

I’d tell her about the problems my Aspie life has dealt me

She wouldn’t have a clue, but her nature would be loving

I saw her heart and will to learn each day as I was growing

~

I saw how her personality would really confuse my Dad

His inability to socialise made him get really mad

But he couldn’t express in words or write how he felt down

So…we would catch the aftermath of his Autistic meltdown

~

I’d explain to my Mom the importance, to be aware of what is the trigger

I’d mention about the damage done, when hearing people snigger

I’d talk to her about how things were, when I was just a teen

So she could be aware of reasons I go off into daydreams

I’d tell her what objects she needs to hide, alert her to my depressions

Be aware of all the times and why I skived off so many lessons

I’d tell her about my dyslexia, so she’d get me the help I’d need

She’d find a way to help me cope and maybe learn earlier to read

She’d then understand that I’m not shy, just fearful of rejection

She’d learn to broaden my horizon, not smother me with over protection

~

But if I had a time machine and I went back in time

I’d change the person that I am…this life would not be mine

All the stuff I’m learning the things I share with friends

The loving strength I feel inside as God helps me to mend

~

All the memories God can use the bad ones and the good

Would not be mine, I’d not be me, so I don’t think I should

Even think about a time machine, because now God helps me see

That His plan is I’m an Aspie and I can help by just being me

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Looking Forward not back!

Looking Forward not back!

by Alienhippy

If I had a time machine, where would I go in time?

It’s quite simple really, I’d go back to 1969

I would befriend my own Mother at the age of 19

She’d be pregnant with me, my face yet unseen

~

I wouldn’t tell her who I was, but…I’d tell her I’m an Aspie

I’d tell her all about the problems my Aspie life has dealt me

She wouldn’t have a clue but her nature would be loving

I saw her hospitality all the time when I was growing

~

I saw how her personality would really confuse my Dad

His inability to socialise made him get really mad

But he couldn’t express in words or write how he felt down

So…we would have the aftermath of his Autistic meltdown

~

I’d explain to my Mom how important it is, to look out for what is the trigger

I’d mention about the damage done, when hearing people snigger

I’d talk to her about how it was when I was just a teen

So she could be aware of reasons why I go off into my daydream

~

I’d tell her what objects she needs to hide make her aware of my depressions

Be aware of all the times and why I skived off so many lessons

I’d tell her all about my dyslexia, so she’d get me all the help I’d need

She’d find a way to help me cope and…maybe learn earlier to read

She’d then understand that I’m not shy just fearful of rejection

She’d learn to broaden my horizon not smother me with over protection

~

But if I had a time machine and I went back in time

And changed the person who I am…this life would not be mine

All the stuff I’m learning the things I share with my friends

And all the love I feel inside as God helps me to mend

~

All the memories God can use the bad ones and the good

Would not be mine, I’d not be me, so I don’t think I should

Even think about a time machine, because now God helps me see

That His plan is I’m an Aspie and I can help by just being me

**************************************************************

NOTE: This poem was written two years ago, my blog is helping me to see patterns in my meltdowns and shutdowns. I will write more about what I have learned over Christmas when God helps me find my words again.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

It’s about “TIME!!”

I have always had a fascination for the idea of Time Travel,

My favourite film is…..

The Time Machine (2002) version. I love the old 1960 version too…It’s just that I TOTALLY love the music from the 2002 film, it takes me to a whole new place.

I have lost count of the number of times I have watched this film, it’s one of the places where I escape, for a short time, when I need to.

A very close friend of mine mentioned that her daughter was freaking out because their internet had gone down, this meant she couldn’t Skype her friends that she sees ALL day at school.

My friends children have just a bit of Aspie in them… 🙂  I love them all so very much and their journey helps me remember my childhood and figure out my own Aspie ways.

I haven’t got my Mom to ask anymore,

My Autistic Dad can’t really remember anything about me being a child apart from me being really hard work. So I’ve stopped asking him now because it was discouraging me. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me…and to be honest, it was my Mom that did everything anyway. My Dad was always at work, under a car or inventing/fixing things in one of the sheds.

What my friend said triggered off some tangent thoughts.

Monday morning going to school age 11.

Most weekends I hadn’t had any contact with my school friends.

I remember feeling really insecure EVERY Monday morning.

I spoke in THIS post of how flow activities take us away from all our anxieties, as Aspies we lose ourselves in our special interests, our special interests create flow. An hour can seem like 10 hrs while we are there, but it can also feel like 10 minutes when we are being torn away from completion. I can feel quite disorientated when coming from being lost in paint, making fractals or even a favourite film. It takes me a while to understand how much time has actually gone by.

I suddenly realised today why I get so insecure with friendships.

It’s the time lapse….when I was a kid, the weekends were full of the “NOT KNOWING”

Sometimes the friends I had were still my friends on Monday morning.

Other times they had been at sleepovers and parties that I wasn’t invited to.

I felt left out and didn’t understand that they were just chatting. I felt like they wanted me to hurt.

I thought it was all about fitting in and that I needed to be like them and they would like me.

Really it was just about learning who I was and understanding it’s ok to be me. Conforming to the popular hurt me inside, and it has taken 42 year for me to learn this. We can be who we are created to be, we just need to learn to accept who we are created to be.

As a pre-teen, I spent my weekends in my bedroom with my cat making clothes, drawing, listening to music, cleaning my fish tank, playing Atari and watching TV. My special interests took me to places where I didn’t have to feel anxious, alone, misunderstood…In fact, I didn’t have to feel.

But on Sunday evening I felt like I hadn’t seen my friends for weeks, and I never knew how they would treat me on Monday morning.

I still struggle with this “TIME” thing

I’m learning to step outside of my own perception and think in a realistic way.

I have to question myself with this.

“Ok Lisa, it feels like you haven’t spoken to anyone in weeks, but how long has it actually been?”

You know what…???

Without keeping my journal, I wouldn’t have a clue!

Like I said, I have always had a fascination for the idea of Time Travel.

Now I know why, it’s because time eludes me!

This music just has to be felt… NOT heard!

Poem…Looking Forward not back!

Looking Forward not back!

by Alienhippy

If I had a time machine, where would I go in time?

It’s quite simple really, I’d go back to 1969

I would befriend my own Mother at the age of 19

She’d be pregnant with me, my face yet unseen

~

I wouldn’t tell her who I was, but…I’d tell her I’m an Aspie

I’d tell her all about the problems my Aspie life has dealt me

She wouldn’t have a clue but her nature would be loving

I saw her hospitality all the time when I was growing

~

I saw how her personality would really confuse my Dad

His inability to socialise made him get really mad

But he couldn’t express in words or write how he felt down

So…we would have the aftermath of his Autistic meltdown

~

I’d explain to my Mom how important it is, to look out for what is the trigger

I’d mention about the damage done, when hearing people snigger

I’d talk to her about how it was when I was just a teen

So she could be aware of reasons why I go off into my daydream

I’d tell her what objects she needs to hide make her aware of my depressions

Be aware of all the times and why I skived off so many lessons

I’d tell her all about my dyslexia, so she’d get me all the help I’d need

She’d find a way to help me cope and…maybe learn earlier to read

She’d then understand that I’m not shy just fearful of rejection

She’d learn to broaden my horizon not smother me with over protection

~

But if I had a time machine and I went back in time

And changed the person who I am…this life would not be mine

All the stuff I’m learning the things I share with my friends

And all the love I feel inside as God helps me to mend

~

All the memories God can use the bad ones and the good

Would not be mine, I’d not be me, so I don’t think I should

Even think about a time machine, because now God helps me see

That His plan is I’m an Aspie and I can help by just being me