Hello my lovely bloggy friends,
I LOVE writing, it helps me so much. I have kept journals for quite some time and they have really helped me to slow down ALL my many thoughts and extract the thoughts that ARE actually mine.
I still keep a journal, but a lot of what I write now comes here or I share with close friends. Those who I know will not judge me, they accept and love me for who I am. I thank God for these people every day.
I know I make many mistakes
Friendship has been one of the hardest things for me to understand in my life. As a child I hurt so deeply that every time I thought I had a friend, they would be using me for my toys. Or they would go off me and reject my friendship. I can understand why this happened, I can still struggle with the same insecurities, with those I don’t know too well. So having just a few close friends is a miracle for me. I can share JUST who I am and know they love me anyway, warts and all. It’s something I thought I would never have.
I was thinking about the…fight or flight response .
Now I’m just pondering on this from my own experiences. I know that when I’m totally comfortable and secure about a situation or relationship…I’m a fighter. If I know that I will not get rejected I will be COMPLETELY myself and say whatever I feel I need to say.
Unfortunately as someone on the spectrum, I know that I can absorb from my environment and those I spend time with. I then can’t filter or process what I have absorbed. I also can imitate and I don’t know I’m doing it. I can end up actually saying stuff or acting in a way that is not at all how I’m really thinking or feeling.
This may sound like an excuse to some people, I NEVER run away from my mistakes. I hurt deeply when I feel I am in the wrong. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I apologise to those I hurt. I never mean to hurt anyone.
I am SO very careful what information I feed my brain.
I limit what I watch on TV. I never read anything negative that will cause me to loop and I pack as much positive, open, honesty into my life as I possibly can. But when I put myself into a situation/environment that I’m NOT 100% confident in, I become a fright/flight type of girl.
I will either make excuses and leave or hide in my Blackberry which helps me SO MUCH. I LOVE my Blackberry, I have stored visuals on my Blackberry for these times and quotes that help me. I can also write myself an email when I’m stressed and then read it later so I can see that I have managed to do something new.
If I can’t hide or run, I then start to imitate.
This I can do very well, but it is extremely draining and eventually I can’t keep it up. After a three year period of imitating a particular role, I then went into hiding for 12 months. I completely isolated myself from doing anything that involved people. I couldn’t even be my best friends maid of honour, this still hurt me to this day.
My Counsellor was GREAT today
Now she knows I have Autistic traits she is coming up with some brilliant ideas. I was quite anxious about going to see her this week because I have been so emotional. I got some time in a little cafe and prepared my reflective journal, so I wouldn’t rant about things that aren’t mine. That 50 minute hour is… oh so precious!
I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it
Anything or anyone who causes me to doubt myself, or the choices I make with my life, I need to keep on limited time. I NEED to do this, it is very important for me. BUT… I also realised that it’s not just for me I’m doing this. Both my kids learn through imitation. I need to do it for them too, as I see them imitating me just as I imitated my Mom. They are my life and I will not let them down because of my own stupid insecurity.
My Bible study this morning really spoke to my heart.
John 9:1-12 (NIV-UK)
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.His disciples asked him, Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no-one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world. Having said this, he spat on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. Go, he told him, wash in the Pool of Siloam (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. His neighbours and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg? Some claimed that he was. Others said, No, he only looks like him. But he himself insisted, I am the man. How then were your eyes opened? they demanded. He replied, The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see. Where is this man? they asked him. I don’t know, he said.
I thought about blindness but also about not understanding.
Being blind from birth to my own Autistic traits, thinking everyone thought like me. Never being able to be close enough to anyone to actually ask, how do you think? Does your brain do this?
I am learning by what I experience and from a very few people, those I feel close enough to that I can be completely open. I can ask them some of the most ridiculous things sometimes. Only through feeling loved and accepted can I learn.
I am SO limited with what I can read, my dyslexia is quite bad when it comes to reading anything that is documented or negative at all. So I have a few blogs I visit, a few friends who help me and YouTube.
But I also have my faith and one big God, who I believe brings me EXACTLY what I need, and JUST at the time I need it.
Love and hugs everyone.
Lisa. xx 🙂