This post has been circling my head for quite some time. I have not really known how to put this together so in my predictable “Lisa Lingo” style, I will just do my usual and babble my brain out. Hopefully with a little help from the Lord I will write something that has a beginning a middle and an end, and not bore you all to death in the process.
So… I got some time to pray
I wrote down my prayer, this helps because writing is a distraction for my more negative loops. Also doing creative things helps me to focus these loops.
By negative loops, I mean the ones that accuse and question and doubt. These loops can be so loud and a real pain sometimes. When my loops turn frantic or neurotic I can spiral so quickly, meltdown or shutdown is what will happen.
Now as an adult aspie
Looking back at my own meltdowns and shutdowns, over the years. I can see that they need to happen as a release. Unfortunately others can suffer as a consequence and this is where the problem starts internally. Guilt, shame, fear, all then cycle around in the negative loops the accusing voice with its usual taunt….”See, you don’t deserve to be loved! I told you they will reject you! You are just useless aren’t you?! Nobody understands you! Everyone thinks you’re a nuisance!”
These are just a few, this can go on and on and on.
Up until I was 26 I listened to these negative loops. I replayed them because I hated myself and felt they were correct in what they said.
At 26 my life got turned completely upside down.
First …my marriage fell to pieces and I went through a divorce that broke my heart.
Second…I lost my home and all my furniture and had to go back to my Mom and Dad’s with my 2 year old *AJ.
Thirdly…I became a Christian, and this gave me a completely new perspective.
I have spoken before about the religious sect I was in for 4 years.
The doctrine in this particular sect was very damaging for me, and I can see that at the time I was so low I just needed something to help me want to live. I followed blindly to start with.
Now this is where I see God working.
My dyslexia is quite bad when it comes to reading and comprehending. You can read about my dyslexia HERE.
My Aspie brain has a desperate need to know…giggle
In fact this is the best description of my brain I have ever heard…
“frantic and obsessively analytical workings and seemingly obsessive ways”
(Thank you for the quote God and the source)
I am obsessive and analytical in my aspieness.
So hearing others preach about Jesus wasn’t enough, I needed to know for myself.
I knew of only one way of doing this.
Reading the Bible…I had never read a whole book in my life. The Bible became my first.
I believe the Bible is set out in a way that actually taught me to read.
Mathematical columns, only a few words to each line and numbers so I could see when I dropped.
My obsessive nature absorbed the New Testament and quickly I needed other books. My aspie brain became so interested in knowing everything about Jesus…of course there is NO WAY I could possibly learn everything, but I gave it a good try.
My family became very worried
All I ever wanted to do was read my Bible. I can see now that it was by doing this that God made me realise the sect I was in was not actually preaching the truth.
Now here is a slant…..
You know how those on the spectrum need routine, I have found that, with me, as long as I have a spiritual routine I can cope. I am learning each day how to fight off the negativity, this I do by using what I learn about my aspie ways and then sharing it to help those who need to know the workings of the aspie mind. I take the negativity and with God’s help “Turn it upside down!”
Something that aspies are played for. I know I have been hurt SO badly by not being able to see who is genuine and who is not. I have hidden, I have run away, I have even become hostile at times. When I first started blogging I didn’t really know who Lisa was any longer.
Over the last 6 months
I have realised that I am coming to a place where I no-longer try to please people. I realised that even if I do everything to fit I’m still not accepted. Maybe that is in my mind, I’m not sure, but I know deep down that the only person I fool is myself.
I have just got to be me, the person I am created to be.
The way I can do this is by first turning to God and understanding that He loves me even when I find it hard to even like myself. I find that if I give my moments to God in praise and thanks giving I can see more clearly and feel loved by God and those He has put in my life.
Accepting God’s love and the love of those in my life then makes me want to love others and this produces more positive thinking.
I get up every morning
And…I thank God that I am Aspie-happy and I accept being different because it is the way I am made.
I open my wardrobe and there are no black clothes anymore, because accepting that I have Aspergers has given me the understanding that I am a Multi coloured Rainbow and I don’t have to hide anylonger.
When the negative voices attack my thinking and make me feel like putting the mask back on. I remind myself that as a Christian I find my strength in Jesus and just as He came and turned ideas upside down, I can walk in His light and turn the negativity that spirals in my head to good.
My life is one big story full of aspie history
I am learning by being totally open, making myself vulnerable maybe!!
But I can love because He first loved me.
(Actual scripture says, “We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 NIV)
In 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Paul says,8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (New Living Translation)