Me and my loops

Fractal loops

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I have a few thoughts AGAIN…when do I ever NOT have a few thoughts though.

Last night I was up late chatting on the computer.

I was just about to turn off the computer and go to bed, when an email notification came through for one of the blogs I follow.

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I would like to say here that what follows may be a little too intense for some parents with ASD kids.

Also…the reason I am writing this is because as an Aspie I feel relieved when I read another Aspies words and can relate.

It helps to feel not alone anymore.

When I can see that I am NOT a hopeless mess, and there are others like me it fills me with encouragement.

I am learning new ways to come through this now.

I am learning to use my shutdown time to refocus, create and tune into who I am and where God is leading me.

It always amazes me that ways through are given in scripture, the best way through a shutdown is to go through it willingly.

I had to think back to being a child.

What did I do as a child?

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The title of the blog post that came through to my email was…

“Trying To Stop My Loop”

When I read this, written by my bloggy friend Angel…..

My heart sank…I know this feeling all too well.

In fact I think every Adult Aspie/Autie out there also knows this feeling.

It’s when you start to pace, and all those pictures and re-runs just keep flashing.

Trying to make sense of all the JUMBLE in your head.

Things come flooding in from yesterday, 3 days ago, a week ago, months, years even.

All those connections that just can’t connect.

All the lightening fast thoughts that just keep slipping away.

The pacing gets more, and then you start talking to yourself in your own head, or even out loud.

Walking from room to room, finger flicking, rocking on the spot, still talking.

You want so desperately not to go there, it seems so dark and lonely.

How long…you are asking yourself, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go there.

What has happened…..???

My brain is so full it can’t cope, it has stopped making sense.

The right words can’t be found any more.

So in a frantic attempt to not shutdown,

You talk too much, write too much, in fact you obsess on anything and everything that makes you feel alive.

Because that feeling of darkness, aloneness…. is so intensely isolating.

You just want to slap yourself in the head and get it to stop.

Please stop, please….the noise, the smell, the lights…don’t touch me, this is my space!

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Right….that’s kind of intense I know,

This is how it feels for me.

Once I’m in, I have to just go through it…it’s how I go into it that makes all the difference.

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I have to be so disciplined in what I feed my brain with,

Anything negative or confusing is going to cycle.

I can’t always tell when it will resurface, so I avoid the JUMBLE the best I can.

(If you haven’t already read Laura’s post called, “Too Much Jumble,” please do)

If I feel the questioning and the obsessing starting up, it’s usually because of the “NOT KNOWING”

This is my newly named loop

My “NOT KNOWING” loop

This is why Aspie kids ask SO many questions.

I’ve started to ask questions again. It’s working.

I don’t care if I seem a little dim, it’s stopping the NOT KNOWING!

Through trying so hard to analyse and figure things out myself.

I have been throwing myself into my FRANTIC THOUGHT LOOP.

I remember the first time I gave it that name.

I was sat in my quite place under the oak tree, down by the reservoir near my home.

Trying to avoid going in…..I wrote this poem

Prayer and Poetry are a wonderful way for me to get through this.

Filtering Process

by Alienhippy

You would not believe the filters I have to use to free

The processes I go through so I can truly see

The rehearsing and the questions

Constant battles in my brain

If I attached a loud speaker

You’d think that I’m insane

~

It will start with something simple

An interest that gives safety

Or acceptance from a person

Who likes me for being me

Then that safety forms a blanket

That covers all the crap

That the world has thrown upon me

That sealed me in my trap.

~

I document my way out

Through journals and through rhyme

Reflect on change to routine

And re-organise my time

Then make plans to share the burden

That I feel I may become

Praying that God rebuilds any damage I have done

~

I cannot change this process

I have lived and I’ve obsessed

I have walked this path for many year

Alone and left depressed

I have to fight right through it

Calling out to God above

Held, accepted in His wisdom

His Guidance and His Love

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Love, hugs, blessings and peace to you my dear friends. xx πŸ™‚

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15 thoughts on “Me and my loops

  1. I can’t imagine and don’t fully understand what you are going through.Even if i try very hard to. I might go into a panic attact If I felt all those things . does it make you feel like that Lisa ? Please don’t think i’m meaning to be harsh .I’m just trying to understand ,that’s all .
    I hope you have peace each and every day Lisa.
    God bless you and the kids
    blessings and hugs
    Eileen

    • Sometimes in supermarkets or parties I have panic attacks Eileen.
      I can’t cope with the amount of stimulation they create.
      But this is all I have ever known so I cope with it and plan for times I know are going to be hard.
      Blessings and hugs to you too my friend. xx πŸ™‚

  2. I figured it out with my son when he was about 4—why he asked so many questions. At first I thought it was so annoying and I would get angry. Never a moment of peace. Always questioning everything. I finally figured out he would get more and more anxious if I didn’t answer or if I said ‘not now’ or ‘ask me later’ he’d spiral out of control. It clicked in my brain that he NEEDED the answers to stop his own loops-to gain peace. I never looked at his questions in the same way again. Sometimes it’s trying but I know he’s seeking answers to calm his mind so I’d answer a million questions to give him that peace.

    Your post has reaffirmed my belief as to what was going on with him—hugs and love–y

    • Hello Lizbeth. πŸ™‚
      Yep…it’s definitely the not knowing and trying to figure it out that starts of the loops for me. It’s catching them before they turn frantic.
      Love and hugs to you too my friend. xxx πŸ™‚

  3. I know what it is like to have repetitive thoughts but not in the same way as you have them. Ii is good that you are learning ways and strategies to help with your thought loops, by your poetry and your Blog writing. Keep up the good work. Love you xxxx

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