Do you remember?

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Do you remember?

Before the big bloggers, the sponsors, the adverts and the competitive edge of Pinterest perfectionism there was a community of friendly bloggers. It was a place where we found connection with others who were walking a similar path to our own. It was a place we could find friendship with people who had similar interests, and it was a place where there weren’t any trolls. Sitting down to write a post was as easy as writing an email to a friend.

I miss those days. I miss those bloggers.

Yesterday I was reminded of just how much I loved the blogosphere when a friend/author and fellow blogger posted me this link of a list from 2012.

21 Exceptionally Valuable Asperger’s Sites

I’m on that list, I’m number 7. 🙂
When seeing the list I actually cried and struggled to process. A lot of my Autism blogger friends no longer write and who I was, how I wrote back in 2012 holds a special place in my heart that I miss deeply. I also felt that I have let slip away a special interest and the joy of writing because of worrying too much about what other people think of me.

I got a message from a lady I met last week, her message was just what I needed to read. The message said, ” Thank you Lisa, I’ve learnt so much about myself from you xXx” (This was from a lady who suspects she has Aspergers.)

It made me think a lot, it made me ponder to why I had stopped writing and it made me feel deeply for other females undiagnosed in their 40’s who are still trying to find a way to fit. Then I went to find one of my most helpful posts that I read a lot when I struggle to remember why I feel so alien and why I constantly get so hurt.

I’m not ashamed of my Aspie traits.
Knowing I have Aspergers answers all the questions that have bogged my life. It’s just that it’s a lot easier to pretend to be NT and hide my feelings so no one else can hurt me. I can’t help but feel that hiding isn’t the answer and that I can push past the fear if I press into my faith.

****************************************************************

This is who I am…

(Post from 2012)

SPD,EFD,OCD & all that jazz!

I paced around my house this morning, talking to myself. Motivating myself to actually sit at my pc and write. I know when I need to write because I can find a thousand other creative things to do with my hands but my mind keeps speaking and looping on the words.

Writing for me is part of my process, a part of my healing from past hurts. It is also a way for me to move forward. Writing is my deliverer from

EFD (Executive Function Disorder)

SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

All these “disorders” but still I keep going!

I have found my own way, it takes me longer and I might seem to get stuck at times or repeat myself, but I will get there eventually. What my brain cannot execute in the neurotypical way, my reflective reviews, journaling, ANT’s charts and blogging will help me sort through the fluff and confusion. I find the backbone, the root and the will.

Writing helps me to find my confidence in a world where I am constantly trying to learn an ever changing language. Favoured items are static they are easy to comprehend and automatically will gain trust and care. Animals can be studied and act in a predictable way most of the time with a need for self care. People are constantly changing they are unpredictable and fascinating. Change can cause me major insecurity, anxiety and even paranoia when I am not focused on helping myself but allowing myself to just drift along.

Sharing is like my accountability, it’s like me opening up a covenant I make with myself. In my openness and honesty I can no-longer keep making excuses and finding ways out.

A way out of what?

Honestly…I’m still coming to terms with not being able to fit!

That’s right, I’m still coming to terms with not being able to fit! It is so much easier to take my stroppy teenage view and think that people are just plan nasty. But I don’t believe they are, I know that there are a lot of lovely people in this world. Growing up undiagnosed without any early intervention has caused me deep scars. I will not let my past define who I am today, or who I am growing into tomorrow.

I document me because my process might help another

I went to see a psychologist a few weeks ago and the main thing I took away from this meeting was how deeply I hurt from always feeling socially isolated. Growing up always being the onlooker that would have loved to have had just one true friend. To have always been seeking deep and loyal friendship but never understood why I got left out. I now have to fight the mental scar of never really feeling that I am acceptable.

I have wonderful online friendships

They are with the most beautiful and loving people and I am so very grateful for each and every one of them. However in my everyday life I have surface level acquaintanceships where I can never really be myself. I still wear the mask.

I know how to look like I fit

I can look like I fit that well no-one even notices how much I am struggling. I found my own way of hiding in the mass, I’m the quiet observer that speaks when spoken to. I have lots of personas I can use for different environments. They are all so very well rehearsed within the loops and replays predicted in my mind. When in unfamiliar circumstances I pass as shy with a touch of eccentric, but that is not who I truly am. Truth being told being part of the social norm means I am forever treading water, swimming against the current, feeling out of my depth and it is so mentally draining and such bloody hard work.

My shutdowns have become a place of comfort

Within a shutdown I can block out everything, everyone and every thought. I know in this place that I can also block out me as I take a step away.

Over the years I have learned to switch off me so that I can focus on others and show the empathy, sympathy that I have been told I don’t understand. I have learned to take on another’s pain and carry it inside as to not be uncaring. SPD makes sure I feel it too. I didn’t realise that for most people it doesn’t physically hurt when they cry. I didn’t cry for many years when I shut out and shutdown to people. I can understand feelings, I have my understanding of empathy and I feel pain for others within me. I have always understood and I have always felt but I had to learn to show and express in the appropriate way. I have learned to show social kindness to others by being unkind to me.

I can forget to switch me back on

I then lose myself in the maze of life and the passion of people puzzles. My brain loves puzzles, my brain loves finding answers, my heart wants to love and feel loved. People are not puzzles and trying to help is not always what is needed. This is not logical in my mind but I learned to not speak and just to show a certain facial expression I learned from watching my Mom.

I get so busy pleasing others, being who I think they want me to be, that I simply forget to be me. I need to remember to find grounding. I need to remember to return to self. I need to remember that I am worth knowing. I need to remember that I am a unique and loving individual. I need to remember to find my safe place. My Mom was my safe place and without her I can feel very lost. I can find comfort and safety within my faith most of the time. I can also find my safe place when I find me again within my special interests.

What stops me?

I’m still coming to terms with being a dyslexic aspergic geek!

So this is my next step

I need to let the geek out, I need to let me be me.

Face to face female friendships are so socially confusing for me. My geeky intensity and passion for interest is avoided by most NT women. I totally get this and that’s why I don’t let me out very often. When I do I have a wonderful time just being myself.

Let’s face fact though, Aspie women are good at hiding, we are excellent actresses. We learn how to fit or not be seen. When we do get real and some polite person chats and makes us feel accepted, we get excited and forget to hold back a little, we think we have found a friend and can’t wait to see them again. Then we are avoided and the pain we feel from rejection brings back every foul memory from every negative loop we have.

We don’t do the chit chat well. We tend to be too honest and open. We take the conversation to a level that stimulates our own mind without realising we make others uncomfortable. I mean who really wants to get deep and intense about …(insert your own special interests here)… writing, poetry, art, spirituality, ASD’s, animals, fishes, quotes, images, blogging, fantasy and trees.

I find companionship within the blogosphere and I LOVE it

One thing I don’t have is face to face communication with like minded friends.

For any future friends this is who I am.

  • I need to feel accepted and loved for just being me.
  • I need friends who understand I can’t always maintain eye contact but it doesn’t mean I’m not interested.
  • I sometimes need to be intense, it’s how my mind stays focused.
  • I will drift off into daydreams and tangent thoughts but it doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  • I sometimes just need to be quiet and I need you to be quiet with me while I think.
  • Just because I stop talking doesn’t mean I have finished expressing.
  • I want to be a good friend, I will think of your needs more than my own at times which can make me somewhat annoying.
  • I can get very insecure and feel my ways have hurt you, I fear rejection so I over compensate by being too open and over loving.
  • I am honest and I care deeply
  • I look for what is good in a person but I can be rather naive and gullible.
  • I can be very silly and giggley at times, in these times I may seem insensitive to your needs so I need you to tell me if you need me to be sensible.
  • I won’t just pick up on your feelings by looking at your face.
  • I need to be able to trust, without trust I can’t function within friendship.

I know that God will help me find a way forward. I’m just sharing as I process.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

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Trying to write again

1012232_4448425467485_238298099_nTrying to write again

by Alienhippy

From the depth of my emotion and the mess within my mind

I know that words will come as I write my way to find

A comfort deep inside me and a voice which often calls

Ignoring it is pointless, how I’m made cries out for rules

~

Trigger words and images that cause my mind to bend

Trying to filter through the crap and not hide from my friends

I want to be the way I was and share my poetry

But times have changed, I’m feeling lost, I’m struggling to see

~

Where I fit and if I’m needed, so I grasp this safety rope

Begging God to help me find a way to not lose hope

To accept the place I’m given and the distance that we share

And pray to love with deeper love because in love I bear

~

This pain of never feeling in the same room, time or space

Wanting, waiting, praying for acceptance, face to face

Hoping that one day being me, I will embrace

But for now I ponder on, knowing God will show me grace

~

I’m not like many others I care deeper than most do

I cannot switch off thought nor heart I have to pray them through

I have to take myself, my pain, my love, sin, fear and loss

Being still and listening and learning from The Cross

The invisible people (I need to be accepted not fixed)

invisibleThe invisible people

We stand, we listen, we even try to contribute but we are very rarely seen or heard.

ASD is known as the invisible disability, but do you know what it is like to actually feel you are invisible. That your thoughts and feelings are not important. That even when you try to explain what is going on inside of you, you are still not heard. Or told you are being ridiculous.

Do you know what it feels like to just want to run, curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of the day. To be so drained you don’t want to think of anything at all, but your mind won’t let you stop.

To sit rocking in a safe spot away from everyone you love, because the pain is unbearable.

Do you know what it’s like to have everything spinning in your head but only be able to think of one thing…escape.

Do you know how patronising it is to be told you are just out of your comfort zone, you will adapt!

How loud do we have to be?

If I throw a chair across the room you might listen!

But if I try to explain in words, your words are more important than mine.

Maybe if I just keep quiet and go along with it the best I can, I will be fine.

I can just live in my daydream and think of the impossible, my fantasy world.

I will conform I just need to give it time.

After all, that’s what everyone keeps telling me.

What do I know? I’m just an invisible person!

**********************************************************

Posted September 8, 2011 on my other blog “Listening through the Loops”

Giving you the heads up

Unfinished (acrylic on canvas)

I have given my blog a make-over. New background and new headers. The headers show at random and change each time you click (it’s fun)

I have used all kinds of images. Some are of my art and fractals. Others are walks I have been on. There are a few cropped photos of my favourite places. Places where I sit with a coffee, write, reflect and be still. Also there are a few of my favourite things and special interests. Some memory photos that help me feel connected to the special people in my life. Of course there are also fun photos with my kids, pets and my collections too.

Alienhippy’s Blog…REALLY is a place where I can be me!

YAY!!!!   (insert happy-dancing here)   🙂 )))

I was going to write a post explaining why I have done this and YES it does involve a meltdown and a shutdown. Also a panic attack that was so out of proportion but lasted in total around 3 hours. Yes I was looping over stuff BIG time.

Today I am peaceful in my mind and heart

I feel still in my being and confident in who I am. So I  have no urgency to pour out poetry, prose or my emotional guts. I don’t need to analyse myself, I am just acceptant that these things happen and I will keep learning as I go. Also my mind is a little airy-fairy and not in it’s clever place today, even with numerous coffees, it’s wanting to be calm. So I really can’t be bothered to write about it all just yet, I’m going to enjoy not thinking for a change. I’ll maybe do it tomorrow if I remember. giggle. Or if my brain is that way inclined, we’ll have to wait and see, I never know from one day to the next, unless I just stay in my bubble then I know I’ll be ok. 😉 😉

Today is about my visuals not my Wonderfully Wired weirdness.

(Just so you know I am fine with my weirdness it’s not one of my triggers)

But the important thing is that through all my loops and misunderstanding God helped me to see. Do you know what I see? I love blogging, I NEED to write. I love my visual mind and all my many, many, many loops. Writing helps me to process all that goes on inside of me, not just my brain but my body too. Writing and sharing helps me to filter out the negativity and stop it from controlling my moods and behaviour. Seeing me in print and hearing from others that I am not the only one is such a blessing. I am 43 years old and only now seeing that I am not alone.

I will write……..

I will write when and how I choose to write. I will write WHAT I need to write in a way that helps me. I love that I can share who I am now, I love that so many of you communicate with me via comments, Facebook, Twitter, email and Skype. It’s so good to have friends.

My blog is my blog, “A place where I can be me!”

With all my new headers it even seems to reflect a little of how quickly my visual brain will change. Click something new, click another idea, click oh that’s so pretty, click I’ll go for a walk now, click where is my cat, click where are my other cats, click I need to clean, click I need to paint, click I need some music, click I need to be still.

I feel it REALLY does reflect a little bit more of who I am.

I like me, I love how God created me to be.

I love my new blog look too!

Love and hugs all beautiful friends out there in bloggyland.

Hey…see my stone collection? Isn’t it cool and aren’t they just so shiny!

Here is an image to click on if you only have a small screen.

It’s my NEW background photo. 🙂Thank you for coming along on this adventure with me and being the nice, kind, loving souls you are. I’m sorry I can’t always answer your comments but I do read every single one of them. They mean the world to me and they help me so very much.

Smiling at you. Lisa. xx 🙂

Here are my headers, cropped and collected for now. I will be adding more as time goes by. I am learning and growing all the time. My blog will be a reflection of this.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This song has no relevance to this post what so ever. I’m putting it here because my *CAL has this on repeat quite loudly EVERYTIME we go for a drive.

I really enjoy trying to sing and rock out to this with my precious daughter. Eventhough we have no clue what the song is actually about.

Enjoy or don’t, we like it anyway. After all we are all unique in who we are.

Dear Doctor, did you know? (ASD)

Written in a note book

I found it in my bottom draw, a letter that I wrote to myself quite a few years ago. It was from when I first started to realise that I have Aspergers Syndrome. I had gone to see my doctor and had not been treated very well. The doctor had laughed in my face and said things that made me feel really stupid. I had not long lost my Mom, I needed help, so this hurt me intensely and delayed my understanding of self and my acceptance of me for an added 6 years. I still struggle to visit any doctor even all these years later. I only go when I really need to.

My Mom was the person who helped me make sense of this world

I really needed her with me as I walked into the surgery. My head looping with rehearsed words and I felt so alone in what I was facing. My Dad has classic Autism; he is practically non-verbal outside of the home. He has basic understanding but not enough for me to have turned to him for comfort. I had no friends and no-one who could understand how I was feeling. So I wrote down what I needed to say. This was before I had any professional counselling, and before I started to keep a reflective journal. I just felt a need to write. I had forgotten all about this letter and the poem. Funny how you find things when you need to. It’s what I like to call a God-incident.

My poem come to me at the end of the letter, I posted the poem when I first started blogging. Before I could open up about me all I posted was my poems. I thought I would share my poem in the context it was written in. At the end of the letter where it is supposed to be. That is where it truly belongs.

The letter,

My Trip to the doctors.

Walking out of the Doctors I felt half an inch tall. I wanted my Mom; I felt 12 years old again. Within 10 minutes that woman had undermined every conversation practised in my head. Every piece of information I had gathered on Aspergers Syndrome became locked away, un-retrievable.

I was no longer the Lisa I had practised so hard to become; I was a school girl again. While she went on, I returned to my dreamland only this one was with my Mom. This Doctor would not be talking to me like this if my Mom was here. Yes it’s true my Mom would have stopped her dead in her tracks and put her right in her place. But I’m alone now and Mom isn’t here to protect me anymore. Since she died all I can do is keep hiding, no-one understands.

Well I hope that doctor is proud of herself. She bullied me right back to looking at the floor. I couldn’t look at her; I just kept my head down. I ended up biting my lips and rubbing my face. Just answering her with yes and no. My breathing changed and I just wanted to get out of there.

I hate the way people treat me like this. Did she not realise how hard it was for me to get into that room in the first place. I had rehearsed what I needed to say, I felt quite confident about it and then she ripped me apart. My only defence was inside myself, back inside my shell where I have spent my whole life. I should have taken someone with me, what was I thinking. Someone who could have spoken as soon as I clammed up. I have been different though since having my kids, I do speak up and defend them. But this was for me, not my kids, and I don’t defend myself. I act different when it’s for me.

Ok it’s all over now, as soon as I became hostile towards her she wanted me out and said she would refer me. I hate it when I get angry, why can’t people be nicer to me so I don’t feel so threatened.

But…I’m the one up at 3:15 in the morning, writing this out, trying to deal with my feelings. I feel so hurt, embarrassed, frustrated and angry. I bet she’s asleep in her bed, she probably doesn’t even remember my name. I should have refused to see her, I made an appointment with the nice doctor, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

My confidence left me as soon as I walked through the door and saw how she looked at me. She stripped away all the progress I had made in less than 10 minutes. It is so hard to be part of this world when most of the people here are like her. I prefer my bubble it is safe.

Alienation

by Alienhippy

Inside this shell are two,

Who I am, and the one who speaks to you.

I’m so confident, intelligent inside,

But when I speak that person will hide.

~

The frustration and anger is sealed,

When who I really am, is never revealed.

The humiliation and fear I keep,

It’s locked away inside so deep.

~

I practise how to talk, what to say.

It all comes out wrong on the day.

I come crushing down like a ton of rubble,

I think I’ll stay safe here in my bubble.

~

This planet all seems so wrong,

There must be another place where I belong.

I try to be like them………. but I’m not

Perhaps like E.T. I’m the one they forgot.

~

So……..I’ll sit and reflect as the world goes by.

Breathe in and swallow yet another sigh.

There’s not a lot that I can do,

Because normal to me, is not being like you.

**************************************************

NOTE: This is part of a post written back in November 2010. The letter was written shortly after my Mom’s death (2004) and my Dad’s diagnoses of Autism and low IQ.

I am revisiting my old posts because it is showing me how much writing has helped me.

I am still struggling to write on my blogs.

This post explains why, “Autism Awareness or up on a soap box”

Love and hugs friends. Lisa. xx

SPD,EFD,OCD & all that jazz!

I paced around my house this morning, talking to myself. Motivating myself to actually sit at my pc and write. I know when I need to write because I can find a thousand other creative things to do with my hands but my mind keeps speaking and looping on the words.

Writing for me is part of my process, a part of my healing from past hurts. It is also a way for me to move forward. Writing is my deliverer from

EFD (Executive Function Disorder)

SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

All these “disorders” but still I keep going!

I have found my own way, it takes me longer and I might seem to get stuck at times or repeat myself, but I will get there eventually. What my brain cannot execute in the neurotypical way, my reflective reviews, journaling, ANT’s charts and blogging will help me sort through the fluff and confusion. I find the backbone, the root and the will.

Writing helps me to find my confidence in a world where I am constantly trying to learn an ever changing language. Favoured items are static they are easy to comprehend and automatically will gain trust and care. Animals can be studied and act in a predictable way most of the time with a need for self care. People are constantly changing they are unpredictable and fascinating. Change can cause me major insecurity, anxiety and even paranoia when I am not focused on helping myself but allowing myself to just drift along.

Sharing is like my accountability, it’s like me opening up a covenant I make with myself. In my openness and honesty I can no-longer keep making excuses and finding ways out.

A way out of what?

Honestly…I’m still coming to terms with not being able to fit!

That’s right, I’m still coming to terms with not being able to fit! It is so much easier to take my stroppy teenage view and think that people are just plan nasty. But I don’t believe they are, I know that there are a lot of lovely people in this world. Growing up undiagnosed without any early intervention has caused me deep scars. I will not let my past define who I am today, or who I am growing into tomorrow.

I document me because my process might help another

I went to see a psychologist a few weeks ago and the main thing I took away from this meeting was how deeply I hurt from always feeling socially isolated. Growing up always being the onlooker that would have loved to have had just one true friend. To have always been seeking deep and loyal friendship but never understood why I got left out. I now have to fight the mental scar of never really feeling that I am acceptable.

I have wonderful online friendships

They are with the most beautiful and loving people and I am so very grateful for each and every one of them. However in my everyday life I have surface level acquaintanceships where I can never really be myself. I still wear the mask.

I know how to look like I fit

I can look like I fit that well no-one even notices how much I am struggling. I found my own way of hiding in the mass, I’m the quiet observer that speaks when spoken to. I have lots of personas I can use for different environments. They are all so very well rehearsed within the loops and replays predicted in my mind. When in unfamiliar circumstances I pass as shy with a touch of eccentric, but that is not who I truly am. Truth being told being part of the social norm means I am forever treading water, swimming against the current, feeling out of my depth and it is so mentally draining and such bloody hard work.

My shutdowns have become a place of comfort

Within a shutdown I can block out everything, everyone and every thought. I know in this place that I can also block out me as I take a step away.

Over the years I have learned to switch off me so that I can focus on others and show the empathy, sympathy that I have been told I don’t understand. I have learned to take on another’s pain and carry it inside as to not be uncaring. SPD makes sure I feel it too. I didn’t realise that for most people it doesn’t physically hurt when they cry. I didn’t cry for many years when I shut out and shutdown to people. I can understand feelings, I have my understanding of empathy and I feel pain for others within me. I have always understood and I have always felt but I had to learn to show and express in the appropriate way. I have learned to show social kindness to others by being unkind to me.

I can forget to switch me back on

I then lose myself in the maze of life and the passion of people puzzles. My brain loves puzzles, my brain loves finding answers, my heart wants to love and feel loved. People are not puzzles and trying to help is not always what is needed. This is not logical in my mind but I learned to not speak and just to show a certain facial expression I learned from watching my Mom.

I get so busy pleasing others, being who I think they want me to be, that I simply forget to be me. I need to remember to find grounding. I need to remember to return to self. I need to remember that I am worth knowing. I need to remember that I am a unique and loving individual. I need to remember to find my safe place. My Mom was my safe place and without her I can feel very lost. I can find comfort and safety within my faith most of the time. I can also find my safe place when I find me again within my special interests.

What stops me?

I’m still coming to terms with being a dyslexic aspergic geek!

So this is my next step

I need to let the geek out, I need to let me be me.

Face to face female friendships are so socially confusing for me. My geeky intensity and passion for interest is avoided by most NT women. I totally get this and that’s why I don’t let me out very often. When I do I have a wonderful time just being myself.

Let’s face fact though, Aspie women are good at hiding, we are excellent actresses. We learn how to fit or not be seen. When we do get real and some polite person chats and makes us feel accepted, we get excited and forget to hold back a little, we think we have found a friend and can’t wait to see them again. Then we are avoided and the pain we feel from rejection brings back every foul memory from every negative loop we have.

We don’t do the chit chat well. We tend to be too honest and open. We take the conversation to a level that stimulates our own mind without realising we make others uncomfortable. I mean who really wants to get deep and intense about …(insert your own special interests here)… writing, poetry, art, spirituality, ASD’s, animals, fishes, quotes, images, blogging, fantasy and trees.

I find companionship within the blogosphere and I LOVE it

One thing I don’t have is face to face communication with like minded friends.

For any future friends this is who I am.

  • I need to feel accepted and loved for just being me.
  • I need friends who understand I can’t always maintain eye contact but it doesn’t mean I’m not interested.
  • I sometimes need to be intense, it’s how my mind stays focused.
  • I will drift off into daydreams and tangent thoughts but it doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  • I sometimes just need to be quiet and I need you to be quiet with me while I think.
  • Just because I stop talking doesn’t mean I have finished expressing.
  • I want to be a good friend, I will think of your needs more than my own at times which can make me somewhat annoying.
  • I can get very insecure and feel my ways have hurt you, I fear rejection so I over compensate by being too open and over loving.
  • I am honest and I care deeply
  • I look for what is good in a person but I can be rather naive and gullible.
  • I can be very silly and giggley at times, in these times I may seem insensitive to your needs so I need you to tell me if you need me to be sensible.
  • I won’t just pick up on your feelings by looking at your face.
  • I need to be able to trust, without trust I can’t function within friendship.

I know that God will help me find a way forward. I’m just sharing as I process.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂