I simply say, “Fishes”

I feel a coldness touch my skin as I press my nose against the glass, palms spread and fingers reaching. I stare deeply into the rippling water. Bubbles emerging through the gravel, they dance their merry lift, fascinating and capturing my all. I see light, so much light, reflected from each tiny shimmering sphere as they are birthed through the air stone. They saunter their way with or without connection, I feel lifted with their rising. Speed slowed right down with their weave through the waves.

My concentration is broken as a large Angelfish swims past my face. Again it’s the reflections of light coming from each individual scale. A whole rainbow of colour calling to me. Shimmering essence of living light reflected through a flowing stream. I follow my new friend, my face remains pressed against the coolness, feeling the vibration of the constant flow of water. This cycling hum and trickle I find so soothing, blocking out all other noise and gaining my full attention.

The Angel won’t keep still she is trying so hard to reach a tiny brown worm that is hidden beneath a piece of bogged wood. I watch her swimming back and forth, back and forth trying every angle to reach her food. In my heart I am willing her on, explaining to her in my mind what she needs to do. The light reflects and watching her shine makes me happy. She finally squeezes her slender frame horizontally under the wood reaching her well earned prize. My heart smiles.

I am drawn again back to the rising lights in their thousands. All is calm and I feel alive and comforted in all I absorb. Then a voice and a gentle touch. I feel my Mom lovingly stroke my hair and she asks me, “What have you been staring at for so long?” I am six years old and don’t have the words so I simply say, “Fishes.”

I love this video and this song is so perfect to go with this post

This post was written from a memory

The fish tank belonged to my Uncle and was built into the wall dividing his living room from his dining room. I have always loved fishes.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

I simply say, “Fishes”

I feel a coldness touch my skin as I press my nose against the glass, palms spread and fingers reaching. I stare deeply into the rippling water. Bubbles emerging through the gravel, they dance their merry lift, fascinating and capturing my all. I see light, so much light, reflected from each tiny shimmering sphere as they are birthed through the air stone. They saunter their way with or without connection, I feel lifted with their rising. Speed slowed right down with their weave through the waves.

My concentration is broken as a large Angelfish swims past my face. Again it’s the reflections of light coming from each individual scale. A whole rainbow of colour calling to me. Shimmering essence of living light reflected through a flowing stream. I follow my new friend, my face remains pressed against the coolness, feeling the vibration of the constant flow of water. This cycling hum and trickle I find so soothing, blocking out all other noise and gaining my full attention.

The Angel won’t keep still she is trying so hard to reach a tiny brown worm that is hidden beneath a piece of bogged wood. I watch her swimming back and forth, back and forth trying every angle to reach her food. In my heart I am willing her on, explaining to her in my mind what she needs to do. The light reflects and watching her shine makes me happy. She finally squeezes her slender frame horizontally under the wood reaching her well earned prize. My heart smiles.

I am drawn again back to the rising lights in their thousands. All is calm and I feel alive and comforted in all I absorb. Then a voice and a gentle touch. I feel my Mom lovingly stroke my hair and she asks me, “What have you been staring at for so long?” I am six years old and don’t have the words so I simply say, “Fishes.”

I love this video and this song is so perfect to go with this post

This post was written from a memory

The fish tank belonged to my Uncle and was built into the wall dividing his living room from his dining room. I have always loved fishes.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

Wordless Wednesday Playtime – acronym

Amazingly

Unique,

Totally

Incredible,

SPECTACULAR

Miss Eccentric

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Stimming…and why I HATE the hairdressers.

This finger stim is one I do when I am relaxed

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

.

Just a quick post I’m busy cooking and some thoughts came into my head while chopping carrots. So I just thought I’d write it down before I forget. ABBA is blasting in my kitchen, I’m singing and dancing to Waterloo and just wasting time while the Chicken roasts.

So…here I am with a nice glass of Dandelion and Burdock, I REALLY don’t like many other fizzy pops it’s the bubbles, and I know I’m babbling.

Get to the point Lisa!!!

OK…I had my hair cut today, yes on a Sunday.

My sister came round to visit yesterday and she had just come from the hairdressers. It’s a real treat for my sister and it helps her so much to relax, feel pampered, be herself and it’s great for her having that time just for her. Her hair looks fabulous too, I was so very jealous she has such great hair.

For me, going to the hairdressers is like my worst nightmare.

The one person I let anywhere near me with a pair of scissors (and feel comfortable about it) is my little sis. She’s the only person I can cope with touching my head/hair and it’s because I totally trust her and she tells me everything she is doing so I’m not freaking out.

At the hairdressers I’m a nervous wreck,

I feel like saying to woman that’s cutting my hair

Please stop talking at me and concentrate on what you are doing.

I can’t cope with all your chit-chat while you are touching my head.

Oh my, all these bloody mirrors, everyone seems to be looking at me.

All these hairdryers and the radio are just WAY TOO NOISY.

I hate the smell of that perm solution, why did I have to come here when a perm is going on.

If I give you an extra ยฃ10 can you please just hurry up and not talk AT ALL, I’m not interested in anything you are talking about.

Right, that’s my Aspie sensory problem now for the stimming.

Me and my sis were talking about how my hair seems to break a lot when I’m stressed or upset. When I’m peaceful and good with life my hair seems thicker and more healthy.

We worked it out, my stimming changes.

When I’m happy and life is good. When I’m living in my lovely loop, comfortable with those around me. My stimming (when it happens) is just an excited hand movement kind of thing that helps me find words. I flick my fingers outwardly and rub my thumbs along my palms. I move my arms around when talking and to be quite honest it just comes across as someone a bit arty-farty, eccentric or flamboyant.

When I’m stressed, upset or out of my comfort zone.

My stimming becomes very different. I fiddle with things, I fidget around trying to find comfort. I mess with my clothes, pull at my hems and cuffs. I rub and touch my face a lot. I scratch my arms. I bite the skin on the inside of my mouth and lick my lips constantly.

But this one I didn’t realise I did…

I run both my hand through my hair, pushing all my hair away from my face. My hair gets caught around my finger and, because my hair is fine, it breaks. Now I am aware of this I can see just how often I do it.

I found all this quite interesting…so I thought I’d share it.

It seems that insecurity stimming seems to attack self, where as my happy stimming is just external hand movements that help me to communicate. Maybe sign language and finger spelling is something that could be helpful with some Aspie/Auties. I can certainly see a big difference with my nephew little *J now he uses sign language, he seems to speak far more than he did when he just had speaking. He talked nonstop to me today about vacuum cleaners and how he followed the lady around the shop with her red Henry. He knows them ALL you know, that kid is obsessed with vacuum cleaners, he’s so very cute. I LOVE it when he talks vacuums, I could listen to him all day.

Right back to the kitchen and a bit more ABBA me thinks.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

Just chill out and have a Coffee!

*CAL and me pulling faces at the security mirror in the local shop.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

Just a quick post I think, I’m chilling out with a coffee after a mad rush this morning.

My *CAL was totally shutdown this morning and was having the usual blank moments. The hand farts…reminder of this found here… well they have now become a new stim for her. So all morning she was only verbal in this way bless her. I’m not worried about this I find it quite funny, *AJ had FAR worse stims than this and he’s managed ok.

She’s upset about her friend leaving school on Friday also they start swimming lesson this week and she’s a little nervous about going. So stimming is a soother for her, at least she’s not walking round in circles at the moment.

I managed to get her to school, only 2 minutes late today

…I really do hate sending her in so disorientated. At least I get to check on her when I get to work at dinner time. One of the reasons I like my job. One of the reasons I picked my job….hehehe

I have had a very busy morning,

I popped to my Church toddler group to have a coffee and chat with my friend before braving the supermarket. After the supermarket, I rewarded myself with a trip to the pet store for a job well done. I love the pet store, it’s just so different to the supermarket and the people seem so much more friendly. I find it quite relaxing chatting to the caged birds, the rabbits, Guinea Pigs and watching the fishes in the Aquariums.

Zazzy and ROCK

I got back though, to one hell.of.a.mess.

My Zazzy girl (That’s my Lurcher) had ripped ROCKY boy’s mattress to pieces. This was his new bed and he loved it. Last time she ripped his bean bag to bits and I ended up with little white polystyrene balls EVERYWHERE.

My ROCK, who is a massive Rottweiler was covered in them, it was so funny to see. It actually looked like it had snowed indoors. His beanbag was actually a two seat sofa bean bag, so you can imagine the amount of balls I had to clean up.

I must admit I’m getting pretty sick of it,

I haven’t got a clue why she keeps killing his bedding. ROCK is no trouble at all, he’s just a big, fat, lazy, sloppy dope. But Zazzy is a complete mystery to me, just when I think I have figured her out she starts something new.

I have got them both new blankets now and they will have to have their plastic dog baskets back. I know Zazzy will rip the blankets up, but they only cost a pound each from the charity shop.

You have probably noticed

There is absolutely no point at all to this post, I’m just babbling to myself and sharing it with my bloggy friends while enjoying a lovely frothy coffee topped with chocolate….giggle

Well I’d better think about getting to work.

I might put a post together later with some thoughts I had in the shower this morning…I’ll see how I feel after work.

I’m in the infants today, hopefully it won’t rain….if it does, there won’t be a post. I will have used up my thinking brain entertaining a class full of 5 year olds that all speak at once.

Love and hugs. xx ๐Ÿ™‚

I think it is my Trip Switch

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

This is a bit of a feeler post really…I have a few questions and I was wondering if my lovely bloggy friends can help. So excuse the babble while I try to find the right words.

It’s about shutdowns

I know I have ALWAYS had them, but I never used to understand why.

Now I can see that it’s because I get over stimulated or too stressed and then I retreat.

I don’t try to keep going through them anymore, I go to my quiet place and allow myself to be me. That will mean I will allow myself to be EVERYTHING that is me… stims and all.

This was very hard to accept in myself,

The way this world is, it has no room for someone like this.

Someone once said to me…..

Lisa, I know you have Autistic traits, but you are intelligent enough to not act on them.

At the time I agreed with this person and tried to cover up who I am.

But I realised that I am being cruel to myself by not allowing myself to be me.

I don’t ask my cat to bark, or make my dog climb trees.

Yes….I have learnt to conform and I have learnt to wear the lovely mask of my Mom’s social behaviour.

But…it doesn’t change the fact that I also have the same difficulties as my Dad.

I can only act for so long before the walls come crashing down.

I found this on WRONGPLANET last night

It seems that many AS adults have shutdowns too.

If you ever experience one let’s say at work or at school (with unsuspecting co-workers or colleagues who have no idea how much they are stressing you)…what do you do in those moments?

Do you excuse yourself from the room/meeting?

Do you refuse to talk and answer questions?

Do you feel unable to talk, exhausted, sleepy, wanting the stress to end NOW?

Do you feel like a deer in the headlights?

Do you feel confused, dizzy, insecure, shakey or anything else?

Do you have trouble doing simple things that normally wouldn’t even make you THINK about them?

Do you feel completely weak (mentally and physically)?

HOW DO YOU RECOVER QUICKLY?

***I wonder what the chemistry behind the shutdown is…I mean are levels of some chemicals in the brain changing?

ย ***************************************************************

This explained to me that what I have always experienced is a shutdown and not depression. However I do remember a time when I was suffering with depression. The two are completely different, but from another person’s perspective they may present the same in adults.

We allow our ASD kids to shutdown into daydream

We don’t think too much of it, well I don’t anyway, because I know they need to go to that place for a while. Or escape into their special interests. So why do I keep pushing myself not to, when I know it can help me.

I think some Shutdowns are just like a trip-switch

It stops my system from overloading and brings me through what is over stimulating my wiring.

So why do I run and fear the way I am made to be, the way I am created to be?

It’s because of what others think again…it is always because of what others think.

So my questions to other Aspies are this…

When you have shutdown for a while, do you then have a surge of thinking and energy?

Have you found a way of calming that energy or do you just go with it?

Also…do you allow yourself to be an Aspie, or do you hide it because of others?

How long can you keep that up before you detach yourself or push others away?

Thank you my lovely bloggy friends.

I don’t mind long comments so please leave them, I’m interested in how others work through their shutdowns.

Also if you don’t want to leave it as a comment, there is an email address in my contact page above.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx ๐Ÿ™‚