I’ve been driving in my car…having another babble!

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

You’ve probably noticed I’ve been a bit quiet.

It’s a little unusual for me to be quiet I know,  I’m usually babbling my brain out trying to understand myself and my many, many loops. Over the past week I have been going into shutdown quite a lot and it’s taken me a while to figure out why.

I remember the constant “why?”

It still loops inside my brain. I learnt NOT to say it out loud, but it never went away.

I have a NEED to know why things are the way they are?

What makes them work the way they do?

I have a NEED to know why people act the way they act?

What makes them behave in the way that they do?

Things are quite easy, people are unpredictable

I have realised that because of not really being able to understand facial expressions, body language, being a literal thinker, also a Kinaesthetic learner AND dyslexic, I have struggled to accept and stop asking the why! Not being able to comprehend a lot of what I read does not help. I rely on experience and learn from mistakes, I have trusted that people are telling me the truth, and I have got very hurt with this. It has taken its toll in my 42 years on this planet.

It’s all in my head now.

I realise that the things that I need to talk about and the depth of conversation I need can only be met by very few people. These people are very patient, they love me, accept me and don’t want me to be anyone but me. They don’t try to fix me, cure me or change me either.

These few people understand that I need to feel safe to be able to share who I am.

Having special interests

Special interests are wonderful they give Aspies the confidence to talk, but we talk a lot about the things we love and not many people have the patience to want us around. I have spent most of my life isolating myself when I really need to talk and someone to just listen.

Writing it out and sharing my mix up of emotion and expression in the best I can, helps me to understand myself and then that helps me to understand others.

I think constant isolation caused me fear

I have a massive fear of loss, abandonment and rejection. I am now trying to work through this and understand the irrational fears I have.

I spent my day yesterday in my safe place, in my car, with my music, driving around the country side.

I see my car as my adult ATARI replacement, the down time I got playing video games, the way they stopped me stressing and the way they changed my focus. This all happens in a similar way when I drive, sing, play LOUD music and chat with God.

Even though I was alone, I kept on talking.

I prayed it out, I chatted to the imaginary friend I had as a child and I kept in touch with my lovely friend through my WONDERFUL BlackBerry.

Here are some photos I took on my drive around.

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Just because I’m being me, I had to add a blast from my past.

Tip toe through the Tulips, watch out for the wolves.

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

It just hit me slap bang in the face, metaphorically speaking of course. That fear of rejection thing, it’s to do with the “NOT KNOWING” again. The lack of understanding because of the inability to read social behaviour, sensory integration dysfunction and struggling to make sense of everything around me is bad enough, but trying to interpret human oddities when every human is unique is an impossible task. Plus people are CONSTANTLY changing, some for the good and some not so.

As an Aspie I collect information,

It’s how I learn, I try to store as much as I can. I try to learn as much as I can to help me understand about everything and everyone around me. I hate to think that something I do or say is hurting another person, I can loop terribly with this. I sometimes can imitate those around me because they are accepted socially, and I like being a part of things. I’m realising however that this is what drains me and I can’t keep it up for very long.

When I read my lovely friends post this morning, about her little boy *Harley,

It triggered off a memory for me. This is part of what  I left in Fi’s comments.

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Yep...that is me, doing my tap. LOL

I remember being in front of a crowd when I was about *Harley’s age. I’d just won a gold medal for tap dancing and I was asked a question, the microphone was stuck up my nose and all I could say was,
“Tip toe through the tulips…….tap solo!”
It had the reaction of everyone laughing and thinking I was really cute.

I’ll explain what happened, why I did it…..

I had a tape of my dance music and at the beginning of each piece my dance teacher would introduce the dance. This one was,
“Tip toe through the tulips…(pause for effect)… tap solo!” in her posh British accent.
Remember I haven’t got that, but I could mimic Miss Rose very well.

I went on stage terrified every time, I was so busy remembering my steps and getting them in time with the music, trying to remember arm movements in coordination with every other part of my body, I’d always forget to smile. I didn’t EVER think I would win, so I’d never rehearsed what I would say.
I’d programmed myself with my tape recording, I don’t know to this day what I was asked on that stage and I was terrified of my dance teacher.

Yep…those on the spot questions, in confusing places, are not the best. It’s great when you don’t care though and you can be yourself and feel like the clown that everyone loves. It’s finding those environments though, without judgmental people.

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I loved to dance as a child,

I was so very dramatic and extremely hyper, this is why my Mom sent me to dance classes, she wanted this part of me nurtured. I can understand now why something I loved became so very hard for me to do.

Laura wrote these words in this post.

“I’ve always tried to do my best, just so I could be as good as, as worthy as or as “normal” as everyone else. Somehow, I’ve never felt I measure up.”

I was fine and loved finding my own creative ways of being myself.

At a dance lesson however there were restrictions, rules and fears put into place. I became fearful to express myself in a way that was natural for me, instead I learnt to follow the rules be like everyone else. I could never predict how what I did would affect or what outcome I would see. Also I thought every correction the group got was directed at me, and took it personally. I couldn’t understand the bigger picture, so I learned to hide and wear a mask.

Like I said earlier…

People are changing all the time, so it is impossible to collect reliable data. After a life time of being misunderstood and me misunderstanding others I have learned to keep people at a distance. To not let them into my heart, out of fear they will be yet another who will break it. This is not who I truly am and it hurts that I have had to become this way. However I KNOW that all people cannot be trusted and I have learnt this the hard way, and so have my family. There are people that WILL take advantage, people who pretend really well, people who will take just because they can.

Those Wolves in sheeps clothing.

I am learning that I don’t have to be friends with everyone, it’s quite alright to only have 2 very close friends who I can totally be myself with. I don’t have to be completely open with everyone I meet. I think that I have probably tried too hard to make friends and given more of myself in the hope that they will give back. This has then been abused by some of those, in my past, who were NOT looking to my best interest only their own.

Jesus will always be my best friend.

He is the one true constant that I CAN collect data on, but also my journey is documented with Him and I can only do what He leads me to do and gives me grace as I do it. I get it wrong constantly, but it’s wonderful to know that calling out to Him will show me the way.

I am so very thankful for those God has brought into my life who accept me and love me for who I am, with all my quirky ways. They have no expectations on how or who I should be. I thank God for these few people every day.

Like I wrote in my last post these are the “Relationships that make my heart sing”

When I was reading this morning I thought on this.

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16 NIV)

How much could these words, that Jesus spoke to the twelve, have been written for young Aspies?

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂