Change is good when God prompts it.

http://www.facebook.com/PositiveInspirationalQuotes

Yep it sure is, it is exciting and refreshing.

It brings a new joy into your step and a smile in your heart.

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This is a small part of a written conversation I had today, with my closest friend.

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Alienhippy is getting back to how it started and my ASD stuff I’m putting on my Jigsaw blog. I need to understand myself but the analysing gets obsessive. Alienhippy is about passion not obsession. So collecting facts and putting them separate helps me.

My ways seem obsessive and I know there is a difference between being obsessive and being passionate. I have to understand things. I can only do this in my own way.

Imagine something you really need, it becomes a first thought. You will seek it out because it is a need. Something you really want is the same, but has an added excitement. This is how it works in my mind with learning and special interests. (Learning is my need and my interests are my wants) When I obsess it is out of insecurity, then I look WAY TOO deeply and I will start to loop. I gather too much information and can’t process it. Then I shutdown. I have to shutdown I can’t keep that up.

I have a few things collected that I obsessed on yesterday. They then made me focus on how the world sees me and how I see myself in the world, in time and space…which I find hard to understand. These things I will put on my Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego blog. Other people looking for answers about ASD will find them there. They can follow the links I leave and I feel I’m helping.

Also while it is there it is not looping in my brain. I can then pull on stuff from there as God helps me to make sense of it and see the Wonderfully Wired me not the worldly weird me.

I’m organising again…lining things up in my own God given way…LOL

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Social Cognition: Cognitive processes behind social competency

Let me backtrack to yesterday

I read the points on weak central coherence, pondered on it a little too much and the reality of it, the affect that it has had on my life brought me to tears. These tears would not stop and eleven hours later I was still a complete and utter mess. I have learnt though that God brings healing through tears. Sometimes we just have to let it out and give it to God.

In those hours I had been having flashbacks of many negative experiences over my life. Times I won’t discuss here at this point, maybe one day. Also times when I have giggled along with people when really I felt they were laughing at me. My not knowing what I have said that made people laugh but decided to act the clown and play along. Then playing that rerun in my head so many times I could not function. It all suddenly made sense and it really hurt, it hurt in my heart, my mind and it hurt me physically. Those on the spectrum with sensory difficulties know what I mean by this. Feelings, memories of being bullied and abused, feelings and memories of being shamed and mocked. But what hurt more was as time went on I learned to isolate myself, I cut people out of my life. I found them hard to understand. I had a lot of negative experiences to relate to, so I couldn’t trust people. It hurt me that I may have judged people on past experience and not given them a chance.

I spoke about this with my friend and then it occurred to me

People who truly love me and want to know me won’t and haven’t let me hide and slip out of their lives. They are the ones who are always there. There may only be a few but they are there.

I then thought about Jesus’ friendships

Something I always go back to, Jesus had many followers but twelve friends. He had three close friends. He only shared His true and deepest thoughts and feelings with God and His three friends.

We have many people come in and out of our lives

God gives us many ways of learning, many ways of loving and many ways of connecting to who we are in Him. True, open, honest, transparent friendship is such a blessing and a thing to be treasured. Without relationships we can never really find who we are. But bad relationships destroy any self, self-esteem AND self-worth we have.

Never being able to be your true self because of fear

As an Aspie I feel it takes a lot of faith to REALLY be yourself. I have one person in my life who I can sit face to face with, look in the eyes and say EXACTLY how I feel. I can share anything and know I am loved and accepted for who I am. I know that because of this friendship I am learning to trust again. I’m learning to be the me I was created to be. I see friendship as a gift from God and a way to help us heal.

I also have the choice to see my Autism as a gift from God

Help me Lord, to do what I can for you.

Help me to realize that I can use every gift to your glory, and for the good of others. Amen.

(Children’s book of prayer – Treasure Press 1985)

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Link to what I collected to help me understand.

Social confusion in Autism (Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego)

Link to a poem I wrote when pouring myself out to God.

Deep in your arms (Listening through the Loops)

Invisible love. JJ Heller