Faking it to fit?

Babble my way through oblivious

I have been thinking about how I used to fake it

Fake what? Fake me…that’s what! I would act so well to be like everyone else, just so I wasn’t on my own. It was such bloody hard work, and I still got rejected. I see so many people pushing themselves to be like others so they feel accepted. I have done it so many times myself, made comparisons and moulded, recreated me to the likeness of another. Wanting so much to be part of the norm, but never really quite meeting the mark.

Most of the time now I am happy just being me

I don’t feel the need to conform and I tend to avoid all people who are not open to who I am. But it hasn’t always been like this, especially when I was younger. Yes, I still have days when I would love to be just like everyone else. To be able to just mingle with other women my age and find chatting easy. To be able to do that light and surface conversation thing they do and not be dragged into a tangent thought. My tangents will spiral off in all directions, my visual thinking sees to that. Mainly it goes into abstract, depth and meaning. My analytical thinking has to take things apart, back down to the roots and find parallels. This is my way of understanding and finding connection, feeling part of what goes on.

What happens with my thinking?

If I’m confident with those around me, without realising, I become intense and self challenging in my conversation. I think out loud before even processing, all my many thoughts and analysis comes pouring out of my mouth or through my fingers. Being questioned or criticised while processing out loud is too much for me to cope with. Also having my thoughts interrupted is very hard for me to get back on track. I can go into meltdown/shutdown depending on my confidence level. I know this puts people off and I have had times when I just stopped being me.

After an out pour I very often will go into a loop, I replay everything and worry about every word, every action, every suggestion, every idea. But I know now, that those who are genuine, loving, accepting and kind will get to know me and know my ways. They see past all my quirkiness, all my babble and see my heart. When I’m not confident I don’t speak, or I take on the persona of another mimicking and agreeing with their confident ways, out of my own insecurity and fear of rejection.

Thoughts I have to fight, these lead to spirals

It would be nice to occasionally have a friend to sit with for coffee, or someone to chat to while out walking. It would be nice to have someone who is interested in the same things as me and I don’t have to just talk on line. It would be nice to be able to cope with the crowd and noise, not have this social fear and anxiety of doing things that are new. It would have been nice to have had a best friend growing up, to have been part of a girlie group and accepted.

But being chatty on a surface level is too hard for me

It just isn’t who I am, I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m not good with the contact either, women tend to touch each other when talking and just the thought of that is uncomfortable for me. Also… truth being told, I find general chit chat extremely boring. I am so oblivious to what is on the TV and who/what is “in” or “out” of the popular. Listening to it is so irritating it hurts my head. I said I was being honest, please don’t hate me for it…giggle.

As I learn more about my Aspie traits

I see that I have always put myself down, always seen myself as the one at fault. I have never really appreciated the way I am wired, because I felt so alone, so alien. Being Dyslexic and not being able to read at times is an added aloneness, but something I am seeing now as my time for reconnection with God. A time to recharge and a time to download all my many, many, many thoughts in whatever way I can.

Since finding others who are like myself

Other female Aspies, Mom’s of Aspies and those who are accepting and loving towards people on the spectrum, things have started to change for me. I see that through me learning to accept myself, actually love who I am created to be, God is helping me to see that I have done extremely well. It is fine for me to be unique and not part of the crowd because I am connected to Him, to self and to those who I can love and receive love from.

I believe God brings people at the right time

I think that once I have learned how to remain myself and not imitate, God will bring me close friendship in my everyday life as well as my on-line friends. I feel good about that now! Those who rejected or did not appreciate my friendship I have stepped back from and allowed God to bring me more open, honest, loyal friendship.

New LONG words, that I don’t know

I am reading my thesaurus a lot and writing a list of new long words that I don’t know. Words that speak happy. I can write poetry from the depths of my emotion, but I can’t seem to write it from the experience of joy. God has been speaking a lot of Psalms into me lately. I know a lot of Psalms about pulling myself from the depths of despair, I perhaps need to look to the Psalms on rejoicing in His name and bringing Him glory.

I know how to express being happy in Jesus, being happy in my kids, happy in nature and animals, even being happy absorbed in my special interests. But I don’t know how to express or write about being happy in just being myself. It seems a very new thing but I know it’s one of the first things I ever did. It means tapping into my inner child. All little children are happy just being themselves.

Thanks for listening and letting me babble. I think I have found a direction to ponder in now.

Love and hugs. xx 🙂

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

A song off the new Christian CD I have just ordered.

Jamie Grace – With You

(The first few lines are just perfect for Aspies. 🙂 )

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Pondering

Me and Louise

I remembered this post today and thought I would share it again. I wrote it over a year ago but it means a lot to me. I know that some of my readers may remember it, I also know that I have many new blog followers that will not know this part of my childhood. It’s not something that I talk about a lot but I do believe it played a big part in shaping my thoughts and feeling as a teen.

The photo is of me and my cousin Louise.

I’m the one doing the kissing. 🙂

Louise is exactly three months younger than me. My Mom and her Mom were best friends and our Dad’s are identical twins, both our Dads have High Functioning Autism.

Thoughts through old photos

When I was growing up I very often caught my Mom upstairs looking through a box of old photos. There were SO many of me and Louise together as babies, toddlers. So many of my Mom and her best friend together laughing.

My Uncle and Louise’s Mom *JK had a very messy break-up and Louise stayed with her Mom. It was so hard on my Uncle, with his lack of understanding, that my Nan and Grandad never talked about Louise again. I have never heard my uncle mention her once, it’s like she never existed.

I know most families have things they never talk about

BUT…As a child I really needed to talk about this and I wasn’t allowed to. Only when I was with my Mom and when we were alone upstairs in her bedroom.

I suppose knowing there was a girl out there that was probably just like me always kept me wondering. Every time I met someone called Louise I wondered if she might be my cousin. I remember being sat in a History lesson once and thinking, I wonder what Louise likes? I wonder if she can read good? I wonder if she has many friends? I wonder if she can draw? I wonder if she would like me? I wonder how tall she is? I didn’t like History much, the teacher was boring…hehehe

When I was about 14 my Mom found out where *JK was living.

My Mom REALLY wanted to see *JK, she told me that she only ever had one best friend and she missed her, but she couldn’t go against the wishes of the family. She said to me, “I can’t keep secrets from the people I love.”

I REALLY thought that I would finally get to meet this cousin who I was so curious about. A message was sent to my Mom from a friend of a friend. This person said that Louise was not AT ALL like her younger siblings. She had brown hair and brown eyes and apparently was a lot like my younger brother, in many ways.

My Mom spoke with the family about what she wanted to do.

There was such upset going on in my Nan’s kitchen that Saturday night. It was decided and my Mom, as always, went along with what everyone else wanted. This is where I fail to understand the behaviour of my Dad’s family.

Yes, my Dad, uncle and my Nan, whom I loved dearly, all show/showed Autistic behaviour. But I can’t understand why they couldn’t see my Mom’s loneliness. She had lost her Mom and her Dad before she was even 30 years old. She was isolated on the other side of our City away from the rest of her family. She had three very demanding children who she gave everything for. She never went out because my Dad never socialised and didn’t like her to either. The only places she ever went were shopping and to Church, even then she got moaned at if she took too long.

I guess what I’m getting at is what is Autistic and what is selfish?

I really struggle to understand this, my Mom did her best to teach us how to put others before ourselves. I’m not always great at it, but I understand it. I saw her example. I have to think quite a lot about how to do this, it doesn’t come naturally for me with my Aspie wiring. I naturally think everyone thinks like me. I have to step out of this and really think it through. Praying it through is actually a lot easier than thinking it through. I’m more relaxed and I believe God helps me understand far quicker this way.

I’m not good with shallow relationships at all,

I find them WAY TOO confusing. Those I am close to know who they are because I have regular contact with them. I get to know them because I love them, I think about their needs and pray for them every day.

I am very like my Dad in his Autistic ways but I chose to follow my Mom’s loving example of giving in whatever way I can. I don’t mean to sound harsh towards my Dad’s family. My Nan was one of my very favourite people, she totally loved me and she always accepted me. She was very misunderstood and I know she only ever did what she thought best for her family. This is why I still struggle to understand all this.

I still think about Louise regularly

I wonder if we would be friends as well as cousins? I wonder about her kids and what kind of Mom she is? I wonder if she knows about me? I wonder if she has Aspie ways? I wonder if her kids have ASD too?

What I do understand about all this!

I do believe that God in His loving wisdom used this upset in our family to help me to seek true friendship. I have looked all my life for those who are like me, or would accept me. As a child I thought that maybe Louise might help fill the gap. I know and I understand now, that no matter how hard I look, it will only ever be Jesus that can help me to feel whole. I believe that God used this in my life to keep me seeking, and as I write this post I understand that it is His will, His heart, His loving arms that I need to be always seeking.

Love and hugs everyone.

Lisa. xx 🙂

Just me in my Aspie-oddness

As I walked home from the school this morning I realised just how Aspie-odd I am. In a good way of course, odd, eccentric and nutty are all good in my book. Every now and again I will walk past elderly ladies and I can smell my Nan. This is so lovely for me as I loved my Nanny so very much. The smell is a combination of Oil of Ulay moisturising cream, Bristow hairspray, Rimmel face power and a slight smell of my Grandad’s Embassy No 6 cigarette smoke. I find it so odd to smell that whole concoction on someone that looks absolutely nothing like my lovely Nanny. Also if just one thing is different it doesn’t smell like my Nan at all. It’s an exact mix of chemical smells that triggers off such happy safe feelings of comfort.

Nan with AJ and CAL

I have been feeling a mix of emotions over the last few weeks

I know God is growing me in the area of friendship. Which has taken me on quite a journey because my best friends were my Mom and my Nan. They were the people in my life who always loved me and accepted me as I am. I have always had to change for others, modify my behaviours and wear a mask to fit.

My last post was about my lovely Mom and what we experienced in the years running up to her death. It was a very healing post for me to write. If you missed it here is the link.

The Teddy Bear Diploma.

It was just a few short months after my Mom died that my Nan got ill and suffered dimentia. She became like a 2 year old for about 3 weeks and then had an accident and died on her way to hospital.

My Nan was a very strong willed lady. She was Aspie I can see this, it is SO obvious now. She raised my Dad and his twin my Uncle What (as I have always called him) almost as a single Mother because my Grandad was in the army at first. He was very old fashioned with this sort of stuff also. I remember my Nan telling me that once the boys were 14 my Grandad said, “Right now it’s my turn to teach them a trade” and he did, they both became carpenters.

I’m not going to pretend and say this friendship stuff is easy

I know that with my past, friendship is one of the hardest things for me to understand. I can’t do surface friendship, I’m hopeless at chit-chat, I have to feel I have a connection.

I know the best way of me understanding all this is to listen to what God is telling me. I never really needed close friendships as a child because I had everything I needed in the relationships I had with my Mom and my Nan. So I never really learned how to be a friend or what was or wasn’t acceptable within friendship. But I do need friends now because I feel alone a lot of the time.

So, I’m going to be stuck in my Bible for a while.

The friendships that come to mind are.

Ruth and Naomi

Jonathon and David

Elijah and Elisha

And of course Jesus’ close friendships with Peter, John and James.

I have two ways of understanding

They both come down to family connection. Physical family connection and Spiritual family connection. I know God will guide me and I have close friendships with very beautiful, kind, loving and patient friends that God has brought into my life. I know it’s time for me to learn in God’s way and He has provided just what I need to find my way forward.

Here is a poem I wrote for my Nan, and a song we danced to together in her living room when I was a teen. I was avoiding a boyfriend who wouldn’t take the dumping. I hid out at my Nan’s for over two weeks because I couldn’t cope with his constant phone calls and I couldn’t be nasty to him. 🙂

My Nan did love to dance…but that’s a whole different post.

Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂

My Nan

by Alienhippy

I was always welcome

Even when I just turned up

She would cook me bacon

Do a word search

And we’d have a cup of tea

Nan with me

She smelt of hairspray and Oil of Olay

With her face powder and lipstick

She never missed a trick

And even though

Others found her hard going

I always left knowing

She loved me

Nan and me

She never said it

But I knew

And as I grew into a women

I was still her special girl

Her pearl

Her first grand-daughter

Me at 12, Nan, Grandad & Great-Gran

I miss sitting in her chair

Playing with her hairpiece

Making apple pies

I miss her smiling eyes

And her knitting

Nan and me

I miss her asking

“Egg on one, beans on the other?”

Me and my Brother

Staying over after Bingo

I miss the dresses she would make

And the time that she would take

To show me

What was hard to do

Because she knew

I was special

My Nan

I miss my Nan

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Poem…Think about the bubbles

*CAL with Jack and Roger

Think about the bubbles

by Alienhippy

I often watch Jack the goldfish, swimming around in his bowl.

Looking at the world outside of himself, I wonder about this soul.

I’m on the outside and looking in, while in loops he swims around.

Content with life as a goldfish, the answer he seems to have found.

~

He hasn’t got legs or whiskers, he hasn’t got fur or skin.

He’s covered with shiny scales and peace he brings in his swim.

He doesn’t graze out of his bowl comparing, with all the things he is not.

He has a very short memory, so if he has he’s already forgot

~

I think about being a goldfish and seeing the world through glass.

To me it seems quite Aspie, feeling not part of the mass.

Not knowing a world outside me, but finding a way to conform.

Denying the way I’m created, feeling bewildered and torn

~

I do find some things confusing, I pray and God sorts my troubles.

As a fish it would be so simple, swim and think about bubbles.

This idea of being a goldfish is amusing, I know I’m set free.

I’m made in the image of God, my brain is the way it should be.

~

My mind dances in spectrummy tangents.

My heart sings in whispering swirls.

Guided through all I am seeking.

Given faith in the plans He unfurls.

~

Yes… Wonderfully Wired, Unique and Alive.

I may be different but with God I survive.

He shows me ways, He leads my days

Forever thankful I’ll sing His praise

The simplicity of being me.

Photo taken with my mobile

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Being Still, making the time to find who I am in Christ, “Listening through the Loops” that are constantly cycling from the hectic run of life. This is something that I really need. I’m not made to be constantly stressed, I don’t work well when my mind is constantly looping.

I sometimes find myself filling all the gaps in life with things that don’t really need to be there. It’s almost like I’m afraid to not be busy. It’s only when I actually make myself stop, be still, ponder and reflect that then I see. I see that I can sometimes add worries and stress and make myself a lovely lot of my own confusion.

I wrote a poem just after my 40th Birthday

It is called My Shelf, you can read it over on my other blog, “Listening through the Loops” In this poem I talk about realising that my whole life I had been bending over backwards trying to make people like me. I’d only ever done what I thought others wanted/needed/expected me to do. I was one big people pleaser.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping others but not when it stops me from being me, or it affects my family and those closest to me.

Jesus very often would seek out solitude.

He loved all people but He also needed to find Himself with God. He needed to pray alone sometimes, He needed to seek God without distraction. Unconditional love can only be given when we recieve it. We all long to be loved and to love others, we need to remember to fill up our own tanks. When we are constantly running on empty we just become resentful. This is where I had gotten to when I wrote that poem, I couldn’t cope anymore with being the constant yes girl. Something had to change, I wasn’t being true to myself. I thought I was doing God’s will, running around doing all the deeds, but deeds without love are not what God wants. God’s will for each of us is for us to live life to the full.

This is the last verse of the poem, “My Shelf.”

It has been one long journey to deliver me at this station

As I’ve been twisted inside-out and tortured with frustration

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

I didn’t see, the simplicity, of being me, would set me free.

It was when I started to say, “No” When I started to explain to people…

“I’m sorry, but I have a different idea and I don’t feel that this plan is actually beneficial to my life.”

It’s amazing how many people disappear out of your life when you start standing up for what you believe.

It’s also EXTREMELY WONDERFUL seeing the people who do love you just the way you are.

I’m finding that saying, “Let me think about it for a while I’ll get back to you!” Is so much easier.

Also reminding myself that guilt is NOT of God

Anyone who makes me feel guilty is putting too much pressure on me, and not thinking of my well being, therefore not truly loving me, this includes the pressure I put on myself. I can be so unloving towards myself.

I’m very grateful for the close friendships God has brought into my life, those who love and accept me for me, those that always help me with this. They help me to understand from both perspectives. Let’s face it I’m Aspie and my EFD, OCD, ADD and plain old sinful nature sometimes gets the better of me. 🙂

I’m learning all the time, I like to learn…it’s good to grow.

I was thinking of a an old poem I wrote and I decided to share it again as it was from WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days and I have a lot of wonderful new readers now. I have changed it slightly and added a different image.

Love and hugs.

Lisa. xx 🙂

 Only you Lord Jesus

by Alienhippy

Only you Lord Jesus can fill this gaping hole

Dance around inside my heart, caress my very soul

You took away my sin, it was nailed to the tree

You are my everything, your comfort sets me free

˜

Nothing can I do to deserve love so complete

I can come to you, lay my life at your feet

Knowing that you care for this life that I live

You will always love me, so my life to you I give

˜

I don’t know where you’ll lead me, I trust in all your plans

When I’m up and when I’m down, I know I’m in your hands

I’ll just accept the love you give, and know that it’s a gift

And all the songs within my heart, to you my voice I lift

˜

This world is full of darkness, but you make darkness light

With you I face the future, you give me strength to fight

You hold my hand you wipe my tears, I know you always care

Whatever I will go through, I know that you’ll be there

˜

You’ll give me everything I need, to get through trials I face

You’ll bring me safely home to you, protected in your grace

You forgive me when I lose my way, in all things that I do

So this will always be the call, to come and be with you

Friends and Acquaintances (Repost)

image from Google

Hello my lovely bloggy friends,

I’m not really feeling much like writing at the moment so I thought I’d repost an old post that helps me. I’m not about to start building those walls again but it’s good to remind myself of a time when I did.

************************************

Today didn’t start too well for me, it’s been coming on for a few days now. I haven’t really been able to figure out why or what has been making me feel sad.

This is where I suppose having people around to chat with would be good. But when I try to chat to those around me, those that are not family I feel like I’m a nuisance. I hate feeling like I’m a nuisance, I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I’m a nuisance.

I tried to get some time and a coffee with a friend the other day, but it didn’t quite work out, so I ended up feeling rejected. In fact I have tried a couple of times this week to reach out in friendship to those I speak to in my life here. I’m just not good at group conversation and I don’t come across well.  I have tried reasoning this out on my own but I can’t understand what I do wrong, and it’s looping a bit in my head.

It’s times like these when I really need help,

AND… I really miss my Mom too. I don’t understand the way people behave. I know I have friendships with people, I know they all have their own things going on. I also realise that I am extremely sensitive, and take thing personally, that are not meant to be taken personally.

This is the part of being an Aspie that I find hard. It builds up without me realising and then I either have a meltdown or I go off and shutdown completely.

I want to talk, I want to be around people,

I love listening to people and being helpful. I don’t always understand the way people communicate and I know I can talk too much and I talk myself round in circles. There are SO few people who will actually listen and accept me for who I am, without giving me loads of advice and ways I need to change. I see that I can go into a state of self punishment, because I don’t like that I feel so alone.

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My closest friend shared a footnote from her Bible study the other week with me, it said…

How can I know who my friends are?

Proverbs 17:17 (New International Version 1984)

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

One way is a test of loyalty. A genuine friend loves us through the best and the worst of times. In fact, a friend’s true colours are revealed when we go through unusually difficult and painful circumstances.

According to proverbs it’s preferable to have one or two close, intimate companions than a host of superficial acquaintances. The person who maintains only surface relationships with a wide number of people may eventually face ruin for lack of good advice when it is really needed.

Proverbs 18:24 (Good News Translation)

Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers.

True friends also wound us. They’re willing to tell us the hard truth even when it hurts. We can trust their honest feedback, but an enemy multiplies kisses (27:6). Beware of someone who does not have the courage to confront you when you need it.

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My friend shared this with me because it helped her, it has helped me so much today.

I also thought back on some of my counselling sessions when I started to use friendship rings. Learning to tell the difference between acquaintances and true friendships.

As a person on the spectrum

I think us Aspies are so desperate to be accepted that we naturally want to trust people and believe that they want to be our friends. Or, we can be quite the opposite and put up a brick wall because we feel so hurt by the world around us. I know I have done both in my life. I also know that I have bent over backwards to keep friendships/relationships with people who basically didn’t deserve my friendship at all. I did this because of a fear of being alone, of being rejected.

I thank God everyday for the friendships I have now.

I am so grateful that I can communicate through writing, that I can express who I am and how I feel.

I love that my sister lives so close to me that I can have coffee with her when I feel down.

AND…I thank God that I have one friend who I can sit face to face with and be totally myself.

No more brick walls going up for this Aspie, I have allowed God to soften my heart and I love people.

I might struggle to understand them, but I still love them.

Love and hugs everyone. xx 🙂

His Eye is on the Sparrow, His hand is on my heart.

Hello my lovely Bloggy friends,

Sometimes you just know when God is speaking to you and other times life can be so noisy we just can’t hear Him. I am a big believer in getting quiet time each day, because I know that if I don’t, it makes my Autistic traits far worse for me to cope with.

This morning as I was reading my favourite Christian blogs I was reminded of an old post of mine. It’s funny how God does that, nothing quite as challenging as seeing your own words. I have been feeling that I needed to find ways of…

“Just being me!” again.

Since coming out Aspie there have been a lot of hurtful things said to me and I have gotten to the point now where I feel I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. People will either accept me for who I am or they won’t.

So I just want to say…Thank you God for loving me.

Also I would like to thank Richard for being just who he is,

“Richard your posts are a blessing my friend.”

This is the link to Richards post, Speaking Silently.

Richard is very real and his sharing of his walk with Jesus is very honest and open.

Love and hugs everyone and enjoy the re-post.

Lisa. xx 🙂

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His Eye is on the Sparrow.

(November 21, 2010)

When I first started blogging I was in hiding.

I had gotten to a point of near breakdown and the world was just too much for me to handle. I only shared my Art and Poetry to start with. I didn’t really talk to anyone. A very special person came along and started to help me. She became my first friend and helped me to open up and start sharing a little of myself through my blog.

I have made lots of friends through my blog since and you are all very dear to me. Because of the encouragement from bloggyland I am learning to be me.

~

God certainly works in mysterious ways

Who’d have guessed that He would come and find me hiding in the internet…God is so good!

But…I guess He did send a big fishy to fetch Jonah….giggle… I’m, so strange. Where do these thoughts come from???

When my internet first started to play up I sent my lovely friend an email, from my sisters. My friend told me to reach out to God because He will pick me up.

I have been doing this, because I have felt very cut off and really quite alone. I didn’t realise how much we all used the internet it’s just something we do without thinking.

Anyway…..

I prayed about this obviously (in my childlike way) I asked God to switch it back on again, first of all.

“Had a little bit of an Aspie meltdown…or was it a tantrum Lisa?” Thank you little voice, I know. You don’t have to keep butting in. I will tell them.

Then I thought… well what can I learn from this???

Well… now I know!

I love my blog, and all my bloggy friends. I miss going onto YouTube and watching my videos, I can’t watch the TV it causes me to much negative and then it cycles.

I miss reading my friends blogs, seeing how you all are.

I miss my comments and replying to my comments.

I miss searching around on Google looking for cartoons to go with my posts.

I love that I can entertain myself doing this. I often can’t stop giggling while looking.

This morning I woke up and just wanted to sing to God.

I had had a dream, quite a strange dream actually where I was chatting with God.

God said to me, in this dream, that when I sing it comes straight from my heart and sounds beautiful to Him.

Then I said to God, “But I think my voice sounds awful God!”

Then He giggled and said…”By the time it comes to me it is perfect, so keep singing to me.”

So this morning I woke up all excited about singing to God.

I ran downstairs in my Jim-Jams, into the conservatory, grabbed my guitar and sang to Jesus.

I was looking out onto my garden, its autumn here and there are leaves everywhere.

Right outside my window a little girl Sparrow perched on the fence only 3 feet away from me.

She looked straight at me. I could see her little dark eyes. She kept tilting her little head from side to side listening to me sing.

Now I know birds do this, I once had an aviary full of Budgies and I kept Chickens for year. I also had a pet Parrot called Po-Po who I loved so much.

I can tell when a bird is listening.

AND….NO, I am not mad…I know what I saw….giggle.

I carried on singing and kept repeating the song thinking she would fly off soon, but she didn’t.

She just stayed there looking straight at me listening to every word I sang to God. Bless her little sweetness.

Eventually I stopped singing and put my guitar down.  I smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” and I nodded my head to her.

She hopped closer nodded back and flew off.

I just thought WOW….God sent a Sparrow to listen to me sing to Him.

Today I went back to my old Church

I left 18 months ago feeling very misunderstood and quite hurt. I told the people (I needed to tell) that I have Aspergers Syndrome.

I told them how the Church had not been the best environment at times for some of my ways.

I also told them that I love my Christian brothers and sisters all around the world, in fact I love all people, but I am an Aspie and that makes me a little different.

I explained that I will only be doing what I feel God wants me to do, and I will not be made to feel guilty for not always being able to cope with the environment of the Church.

I also said I know God made me this way, and I am just the way I am supposed to be.

I was welcomed back with open arms and they accepted what I said…for now anyway.

SO…..

My Aspie-happy is out again. This time it’s the real one, not the one behind a mask.

I went to Church dressed in my happy clothes, because I am a multi coloured Rainbow.

And

The negativity I carried in my heart for 18 months has been completely turned upside down.

Blogging is certainly helping me, and I thank all of you. XX 🙂