I started to lose myself again

THIS IS ME

THIS IS ME

What have I learnt about myself?

I am more than loyal, I give my heart. I feel deeply and I hurt intensely. I give above and beyond what most people expect, what most people are used to. I give my all and I wear my heart on my sleeve. People can’t always cope with who I am, I think that who I am is probably challenging, but I don’t know how to be any other way. A lot of people avoid me. Maybe they like to stay hidden? I don’t know, I don’t pretend to understand. I just know it hurts.

I know that I once viewed life through a mask, never showing who I truly am, it was so very lonely. I kept a piece of me locked away because I could no longer trust, I had been hurt more than I could process so I stopped trying to.

Maybe this is why people run and avoid me, they trusted once and now fear the worst. Perhaps they can’t see that I am real, that who I am is open and honest. I love, I have love in me to share and only want to give love and feel loved. I trust in my God and in those that He has shown to me. I am blessed in the few close friendships I have. I don’t ever need to hide who I am from those who truly love me.

What have I learnt about others?

People will be who they can be, I don’t have to like the way they act, just love and accept them for who they are and where they are at. We are all on a journey. Some people are not nice, I have to accept this and keep myself safe. I don’t have to be their friend, they only ever do what is best for them. These people are the ones who will use me, they have ulterior motives and I can’t always see this until it’s too late. They become my friend for what I can do for them, what they can get off me, out of me. I’m starting to recognise the signs a lot quicker these days. I can be too nice for my own good at times.

Then there are people like me, there are not so many as what there seems to be selfish people, but they are out there. A lot of good people are in hiding, they hide because they too have been extremely hurt. I know because I have found some of them. When we connected it felt like we had already met, that we were destined to meet. Within these relationships I see a glimpse of what God calls friendship. A little piece of heaven in the smiles of compassionate and loving souls.

What do I need to do different?

I need to be MORE myself! I need to be me to the max! I need to not imitate or follow the crowd, crowds are not good for me anyway. I get lost in the crowd and no one ever sees or hears me. I do much better one to one. I need to accept I have a fear of loss and change, but it’s ok most people do it’s not just an aspie thing. Also remember that when these things come it makes room for new adventure.

But people move on and I don’t like change. I’m aspie, what aspie does truly like change? I will survive and I will look back and see just how much I grew through it. I can always set myself new goals, I can always dream new dreams. I will keep growing I have God on my side and He will always love me just the way I am. He will never leave me.

What do I need to practise?

I need to set myself clear boundaries and keep sticking to them.

I need to plan projects, things I am good at, and make them happen.

I need to have a routine that helps me, stop making excuses.

Don’t let other people control my time, time is precious.

I need to love me and see that I am worth loving.

 ******************************************************************

“Silhouette”

Lyrics by Owl City

I’m tired of waking up in tears
‘Cause I can’t put to bed these phobias and fears
I’m new to this grief I can’t explain
But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then
“Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I’m sick of the past I can’t erase
A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can’t retrace
The mountain of things I still regret
Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (no matter where I go)

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
“Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
‘Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go

I’m a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
“Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?”
I’m a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I watch the summer stars to lead me home.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I started to lose myself again

  1. You goals are ones that everyone should really make.
    I understand what you said and agree with you. I wish to remain your friend and not skip off to do other things. We have connected and I will call you special, not aspie special, just special, a special friend.
    Thanks for being there and for telling us what you feel and need.
    Scott

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s