I still feel at a loss for words
Everything I am seeing and hearing in the autism community is too much. I have shared before that when negativity hits me I can’t switch off my brain and this is not good for me or my family. My way of coping is to retreat. A lot of over sensitive aspies/auties are all doing the same, afraid of our own words and saying things wrong, we focus on what keeps us functioning and happy. This I feel can make us look like we don’t feel, for me this is so untrue, I feel intensely. It’s not that we don’t care it’s that we can’t process what we are experiencing at this time. Our thoughts are with the families of those who died in the event of last week, but also the negativity that has been irresponsibly placed on who we are. We spend our lives trying to understand why we feel so different, why we feel so isolated. Then we start to understand why and claim our place on the spectrum. It’s hard to tell people because so many refuse to acknowledge it or even accept what we are saying. This week has hit quite a few of us extremely hard on so many levels. Some of us have kids and the visuals of this haunts our loops, and we can’t switch off our loops no matter how hard we try.
I wrote a post some time ago, my reflections on Autism and Empathy an explanation as to why a 10 year child would give all her toys away. I had no choice I wanted to help and in my mind I solved a puzzle, a problem that hurt me deeply. My toys would save the lives of little children, so I gave them all away. I know who I am and Aspergers is part of who I am, who do you see when you read me?
I can’t find a way to express any better my feelings of what has happened than with my own words from that old post.
I know that over the years I have had to shut down to my feelings because they are so intense. I can get so overwhelmed by emotion that I can barely function. I know that when I love a person they become as important as myself. My children are more important and I would die for them.
Because I have visual reruns of things that either hurt me or confuse me, I end up rehearsing and chatting and analysing, this can be quite tiring. I will have so many conversations going around in my head. I have managed to stay in touch with my feelings, emotions and show empathy by being careful what I feed my brain with. Being careful not to overload myself. I know now what will replay in my constant thought loops and which things to avoid. I can also praise up the less noisy loops and help myself to do the things that are hard to do.
I think that the lack of empathy thing is just a shut down mechanism of self protection because emotion is so intense…it will overload the system and cause sensory difficulties and eventually complete shutdown. But this is just a whole load of Lisa Lingo from my babbling thought loops.
No mentions here
I am only linking this post to ASD and Empathy. I do not want search engines hitting my blog with people seeking out ridiculous Google searches. We all know what I am writing about so I am not going to even write the words. Instead I offer prayers to those grieving the loss of loved ones and I share a poem for all children everywhere, those on the spectrum and those who are just a little different. Also all those who are childlike in mind or heart who cannot comprehend the pain, confusion and fear that this tragedy has brought.
As a child
As a child I would call to you, I knew you were always there
I had the words and a way to speak, I understood you’d always care
But as I grew the words got lost, the light then left my eyes
So at the floor I downward looked, I put on a masked disguise
I tried so hard to live like this, to fit and not be seen
A daily battle to wear a smile, in my mind I still had the dream
That one day you’d come and sort me out, and make my life make sense
You’d take away the pain I carry, freeing me from feeling so tense
So you called to me when I was hiding, by this time I didn’t even care
But you pursued and did not give up, knowing I’d meet you there
You took my hand and gently guided, you understood that I was weak
You walked the path and checked the way, giving me the heart to seek
You showed me love when I was alone, and filled my life with hope
Explained the way that I’ve been made, you now teach me to cope
You are my friend you are my Lord, and Autism is part of me
You really love me “JUST AS I AM!” so now I can just be free