I have always been an extremely stubborn child, I have to find my own way of doing things and can get so frustrated with myself and others who try to show me. I’m no different when it comes to my relationship with God and sometimes it can take quite a while before I recognise I’m in my pit again.
So many times I hear God calling to me, wanting to spend time with me and help me to find my way forward. I hear His call whispering to me, “Be still my child and know!” I do know I should listen for His guidance, yet so often I’m too busy finding my own way of doing.
Silly, silly me because I eventually see that through my stubbornness I’m now in need of fixing, not just comforting and gentle guidance anymore. I have made a bigger mess in my head than what was needed.
In my stubbornness I cut myself off
I refuse to see the light of Christ in those around me and everything becomes so negative. But God is a loving Father and He remains in my heart. I might be able to cloud my thoughts with keeping busy. Also be able to change my routines and top up on the worldly pleasures and distractions. But my heart is still listening. Whatever I do, where ever I go I still feel God calling and tugging on those heart strings, waiting patiently for me to receive. God is loving He never pushes His way in, He wants to be invited and welcomed.
I’ve heard it said that our relationship with our creator can be formed in the relationship we have with our parents. I see this because for me when I chat with God it is like I am chatting with my Mom again, talking and processing verbally brings me comfort. My Dad is Autistic and has never been one to talk or bring me comfort but he has always fixed things for me. My kids call him Grandad Fixit.
I have not been going to God to have my chat
I haven’t been feeling the need because I found other ways to feel comforted. A few weeks back I decided to skip my comfort time and just get on with life, like everyone else seems to do. But I am not like everyone else I am me, I am different, I am also an Aspie who needs a positive routine. I have been running on empty and pasting on the fake smile.
Yesterday I hit the pit good and proper.
With all my thinking and babbling I drain myself when I am at the bottom stuck in the mire. I totally get why people avoid me at this time, I would avoid me if I could. As I sat staring into nowhere wishing my Mom was still alive. I looked over to my vacuum cleaner that my Dad dropped off earlier today. My Dad has had to repair it for me again, I’m always breaking my vacuum.
As I stared at my upright vax I realised that it was time to surrender. I needed my Heavenly Father, I needed fixing. I had gone past the point of needing comfort, needing to talk. Now it was time to be stripped down and built up from the inside at the foot of the cross.
My first step forward, get humble and kneel.
Second step forward, make time to chat, be open and honest with God.
God is good, His love is unconditional, I have no fear of God just fear of myself.
My vacuum had a new belt fitted the brushes were no longer doing their job, they were not moving at all. It looked like my vacuum was working, it made all the right noises and it was still sucking up some of the bits. It wasn’t until I turned it upside down that I saw what was wrong. I can be like that too. I can look like I’m coping, I can look like I’m doing all the right things but if you turn me upside down, or make changes around me it becomes pretty obvious that I’m not plugged into the mains.
Now I can see this, I will pray and God will change it
Like I said at the beginning, I’m a stubborn child, it has taken me over two days to listen to God. He has been calling for a while and I haven’t wanted to hear Him. It was time to get humble and listen through the loops. God loves me even in my stubbornness, my stubbornness is what keeps me ignoring the norm, seeking God’s love and shining the light of Christ. It’s a sign to me that I need to hear God’s truth when I start to imitate people and not my precious Saviour. When I start to worry more about what people think of me and less about how I can seek the will of God. When I am living in insecurity and fear it is because I am worshipping the wrong thing and not the King of kings.
The scripture that came to me while praying was…
Revelation 2:4-5 (NIV)
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.
My Mom used to sing this song to us, it helped me today.
NOTE: I know the vacuum at the top is a Henry and not a Vax upright. But my little *J LOVES Henry and Henry looks like such a happy vacuum. Henry makes me smile. 🙂