As I walked home from the school this morning I realised just how Aspie-odd I am. In a good way of course, odd, eccentric and nutty are all good in my book. Every now and again I will walk past elderly ladies and I can smell my Nan. This is so lovely for me as I loved my Nanny so very much. The smell is a combination of Oil of Ulay moisturising cream, Bristow hairspray, Rimmel face power and a slight smell of my Grandad’s Embassy No 6 cigarette smoke. I find it so odd to smell that whole concoction on someone that looks absolutely nothing like my lovely Nanny. Also if just one thing is different it doesn’t smell like my Nan at all. It’s an exact mix of chemical smells that triggers off such happy safe feelings of comfort.
I have been feeling a mix of emotions over the last few weeks
I know God is growing me in the area of friendship. Which has taken me on quite a journey because my best friends were my Mom and my Nan. They were the people in my life who always loved me and accepted me as I am. I have always had to change for others, modify my behaviours and wear a mask to fit.
My last post was about my lovely Mom and what we experienced in the years running up to her death. It was a very healing post for me to write. If you missed it here is the link.
It was just a few short months after my Mom died that my Nan got ill and suffered dimentia. She became like a 2 year old for about 3 weeks and then had an accident and died on her way to hospital.
My Nan was a very strong willed lady. She was Aspie I can see this, it is SO obvious now. She raised my Dad and his twin my Uncle What (as I have always called him) almost as a single Mother because my Grandad was in the army at first. He was very old fashioned with this sort of stuff also. I remember my Nan telling me that once the boys were 14 my Grandad said, “Right now it’s my turn to teach them a trade” and he did, they both became carpenters.
I’m not going to pretend and say this friendship stuff is easy
I know that with my past, friendship is one of the hardest things for me to understand. I can’t do surface friendship, I’m hopeless at chit-chat, I have to feel I have a connection.
I know the best way of me understanding all this is to listen to what God is telling me. I never really needed close friendships as a child because I had everything I needed in the relationships I had with my Mom and my Nan. So I never really learned how to be a friend or what was or wasn’t acceptable within friendship. But I do need friends now because I feel alone a lot of the time.
So, I’m going to be stuck in my Bible for a while.
The friendships that come to mind are.
Ruth and Naomi
Jonathon and David
Elijah and Elisha
And of course Jesus’ close friendships with Peter, John and James.
I have two ways of understanding
They both come down to family connection. Physical family connection and Spiritual family connection. I know God will guide me and I have close friendships with very beautiful, kind, loving and patient friends that God has brought into my life. I know it’s time for me to learn in God’s way and He has provided just what I need to find my way forward.
Here is a poem I wrote for my Nan, and a song we danced to together in her living room when I was a teen. I was avoiding a boyfriend who wouldn’t take the dumping. I hid out at my Nan’s for over two weeks because I couldn’t cope with his constant phone calls and I couldn’t be nasty to him.
My Nan did love to dance…but that’s a whole different post.
Love and hugs. Lisa. xx
I was always welcome
Even when I just turned up
She would cook me bacon
Do a word search
And we’d have a cup of tea
She smelt of hairspray and Oil of Olay
With her face powder and lipstick
She never missed a trick
And even though
Others found her hard going
I always left knowing
She loved me
She never said it
But I knew
And as I grew into a women
I was still her special girl
Her first grand-daughter
I miss sitting in her chair
Playing with her hairpiece
Making apple pies
I miss her smiling eyes
And her knitting
I miss her asking
“Egg on one, beans on the other?”
Me and my Brother
Staying over after Bingo
I miss the dresses she would make
And the time that she would take
To show me
What was hard to do
Because she knew
I was special
I miss my Nan