“Lisa, you are a nice person, the problem is you think everyone is like you and they are not. Some people are actually not nice at all.” I was 26 years old when these words were spoken to me. These words actually sent me into a state of shock (Shutdown) I didn’t want to believe them. It was the same wonderful lady who first spoke the word Aspergers to me 10 years later when we were struggling so much to understand what was happening to Dad after the death of our Mom.
I have been replaying this video in my head today
Trying to distract myself from negative self talk. I have been feeling a complete gullible idiot. Obliviously stupid and so very naive. Let me tell you about my day.
This morning I decided to be good to myself
I decided to spend the day with Jesus in nature and fill myself up with God’s unconditional love. To listen to the spirit within and do things to help me to feel good about being me. To switch off all distractions and enjoy who God has created me to be.
I first went to the pet shop to stock up on pet food then I intended to drive to my special place and sit under my Oak tree. As I was driving I felt I wanted to go somewhere different, so I drove out towards some local hills. I turned into the visitors centre and spotted a lovely church. I had my camera in my bag and I love country churches. I parked up and walked around the church yard taking photos. The church doors were open but I didn’t intend to go in, it was a sunny day I wanted to take a few shots and drive to the hills and trees.
I met a lady named Vi
She was an elder lady that was walking towards me on the church path. She asked if I was coming inside to the service. It was midweek communion.
You know those moments when you don’t really want to but the voice inside says you should. I listened to the voice and went inside. It was a small congregation of mainly elderly people with a lovely lady vicar. The service had already started, that was fine with me it cuts down on the chit-chat and eye contact.
The elderly lady led me through the service
She very lovingly showed me what to do with all the traditions of the church of England. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I grew up around the church and it’s like my second home. I think she sort of realised after a while. I can recite the “book of common prayer” parrot fashion. Dyslexia and Aspergers is good with memorising instead of reading.
“I have only one sermon!”
“I have only one sermon that I will keep preaching, that is the unconditional love of God!”
These words made me smile as the lady vicars stuttered her way through her sermon. I loved that she stuttered and lost her train of thought. I loved the little baby sat on the floor blowing raspberries all through the service. I stopped for coffee and spoke with a few people but I knew I didn’t intend to return. I did chat with one lady who asked what church I went to. I told her that where churches are concerned I feel like my friend Angel, I’m a wandering butterfly.
I drove to the hills and walked in the woods
Beautiful sunny day, birds singing, horses with giggling riders, the fresh greenery of late spring and the wonderful smell of pine trees. I sat on a bench and prayed, thanking God for all I could see and praising Him for the growth I see within me. A little wild rabbit popped out of the bush and made me jump, he then hopped off before I could get my phone and take a photo.
Now this is where I fail to see the bigger picture
I was so caught up in the love of God, the gentleness of the people I had met, the wonder of being in nature that I forgot what some people are like. I had my head in the clouds and I love it that way, but I came down to earth with a bump. While I was walking someone broke into my car and took my bag, purse, money, bank cards, camera and personal belongings. They smashed my window and helped themselves.
I sat in my car in shutdown
I shutdown at the loop of my own stupidity. Why did I leave my bag in the car? What on earth was I thinking? The truth is I wasn’t thinking, I was happy and wanting to feel free.
I drove home on auto-pilot
My ability to understand the written word switched completely off. I couldn’t even find a phone number for the bank to cancel my cards. My sister came and sorted everything for me. She also recognised that I needed a hug. I needed my Mom but my sister is as close as I can get now. I don’t cry when people are around and I don’t do hugs. Even just recognising that I needed a hug is God working. Most adults on the spectrum will know exactly what I’m saying here.
I’m upset about my photos
I love photos I am a very visual person. My camera had photos and videos of my kids and my little nephews going back to Christmas. None of them had been downloaded because when my computer died it wiped the software. I hadn’t got around to finding the disk and reloading it.
These are the first words I wrote this morning.
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honour God with your body.”
1 Corinthians 6:19 (NIV)
Today is going to be a good day, I know because God is in me! I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
These words, my faith and the hope I have are what pushed me to seek God in nature, to get some fresh air and exercise, to spend time with people I didn’t even know. To share love with my family and friends, and to receive love in return. To keep going when I wanted to give up. To accept a hug while feeling vulnerable, when hugging is so very alien to me. To see the light in the eyes of a raspberry blowing infant, then see that same light in the eyes of an 87 year old women. To giggle with horse riders and send a photo of them to the other side of the world.
To see the lessons God sends that mould and refine me each day.
And the hope He puts in me to keep seeking the good.